Sports Celebrity Roast - A FLY ON THE BALL

Emo Jimmy Butler Demands Trade

May 4, 2024May 4, 2024 Buzz McFly

Jimmy Butler and the Miami Heat are coming off yet another disappointing season after being eliminated from the NBA Playoffs by the Boston Celtics. The pathetic 2024 Heat playoff run ended after only five games.

To say Butler has off-court distractions would be an understatement considering he did not play in a single game for the Heat against the Celtics. Jimmy didn’t care if the Heat won or lost, he’s more worried about whether he’ll get a max contract this off-season. Playoffs? Jimmy only gets off by not playing these days!

On top of that, Butler has his eye on becoming the lead singer of a new group, perhaps even away from Miami, if necessary. Word on the street is, the “Jimmy Butler demands trade from the Miami Heat” talk is circulating because he doesn’t like their setlist anymore:

The Jimmy Butler era in Miami could be ‘nearing a tipping point,’ per @davidaldridgedc

“There have been murmurings this year that Butler and the Heat may no longer be singing from the same hymnal. Butler, famously, does things his way, and Miami’s organization, famously, does… pic.twitter.com/h2R3HJ09wF
— NBACentral (@TheDunkCentral) May 3, 2024

It’s no secret Jimmy has been a secret admirer of emo music since its inception, but it wasn’t always known publicly. Butler decided to finally make his emo obsession public by showing up with a new hairstyle at the NBA’s media day before the start of the 2023-24 season.

via GIPHY

The paparazzi came out in full force while everyone was ready to roll out the red carpet for Kimmy Butler, the newest lead singer in every underground emo band you’ve probably never heard of. Like, whatever. It’s not like a big deal or anything…

Since then, Butler has become a bit of an emo celebrity. Now, Jimmy is trying to decide how to balance his basketball career with his emo priorities while capitalizing on his newfound fame. When you really think about it, Jimmy’s love for emo was always obvious considering his constant teenager-like behavior.

Kirk Cousins Rap Album Leaks Vikings Diss Tracks

April 30, 2024April 30, 2024 Harvey Ballbanger

Did you really think Kirk Cousins wanted to leave the Minnesota Vikings for the Atlanta Falcons solely for football reasons? You’d be out of your mind to believe Kirko Chainz willingly passed up on the opportunity to keep playing with Justin Jefferson just because of the dollar bills, y’all.

That’s not what happened at all.

See, what the bigwigs like Adam Schefter, Ian Rapoport, and Dianna Russini will never tell you is that Cousins had ulterior motives.

Quick, name one rapper who hails from Minneapolis. Exactly, you’re not worthy. But naming one who found success in Atlanta is easy. Whether you pick OutKast, Ludacris, or T.I., there are several rap legends from the ‘A.’

Now, Kirk Cousins is taking his rap career to the next level, hoping to become the latest, greatest rapper to ever emerge out of the Dirty South. Despite his appearances, Cousins isn’t just some geek off the streets. He’s handy with the steel if you know what I mean. He’s earned his keep, but now he’s bringing his hot bars to Atlanta, and he’s got his target aimed squarely at his old squeeze, the Minnesota Vikings.

Charles Barkley Is The Round Mound of Knuckleheads

April 28, 2024April 28, 2024 Buzz McFly

When it comes to inadvertent, unadulterated soundbites, it’s becoming clear that Charles Barkley is The Round Mound of Knuckleheads. Even though he is far removed from his playing days as an undersized and overweight forward in the NBA, Barkley still continues to deliver highlight reels for the ages on a nightly basis.

Unfortunately, Barkley’s lackadaisical approach to working out and his hatred for the gym ultimately did him in as a player. His lack of discipline became obvious as he struggled to stay in shape over the course of his career. When asked what his typical workout routine was as a player, Barkley eagerly provided a demonstration using a Shake Weight:

via GIPHY

Surprisingly, despite Barkley’s athletically challenged physique, he was actually a halfway decent basketball player back when he could still reach his toes to lace them up. During his NBA career, he waxed glass to the tune of 12,546 rebounds, proving Barkley’s knack for chasing balls. Sir Charles was so good at grabbing balls in a crowd that he earned an immortal nickname: The Round Mound of Rebound.

As a result, Chuck always had balls in his hands but he also knew how to use his clappers to score. In fact, Ball Hog Barkley scored a total of 23,757 points throughout his playing career. That takes a lot of balls. Nobody doubts Barkley’s ability to find the hole and get it in there.

Charles Barkley Chasing Balls Phoenix Suns T-Shirt

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Anaheim Ducks Install Flying V To Become Mighty Ducks Again

April 6, 2024April 30, 2024 Buzz McFly

The Mighty Ducks Will Soar to Success With the Flying V

Do you remember the Mighty Ducks? Unfortunately for hockey fans, the NHL has long forgotten the glory days of this once proud franchise. Long gone are the Finnish Flash days of Teemu Selänne flying down the ice while Paul Kariya sets the table.

Instead of watching a great celly by Selänne or Kariya, the Anaheim Ducks are currently putting the finishing touches on another pathetic year as the 2023-2024 NHL season comes to a close. Their duck bills didn’t even come close to sniffing the playoffs, yet again.

At the time of publishing this article, the Ducks sit in seventh place of the Pacific Division with 54 measly points on the season. Their record is an even bigger quack job with 25 wins, 48 losses, and four overtime losses. Coaches around hockey are already cracking wise while taking low blows at the expense of the Ducks:

“Anybody could beat these pansies!”
– Coach Jack Reilly, Hawks

Coach Riley Mighty Ducks Win Big GIFfrom Coach Riley Mighty Ducks GIFs

Yet, there seems to be no end in sight for this ragtag group of amateurs. Their downward spiral to the bottom of the NHL Western Conference standings continues at a record pace. Even former Mighty Ducks are chiming in on the dookie being dropped by Anaheim this season:

Should MLB Legalize Steroids to Get Fans Jacked About Baseball Again?

March 23, 2024April 30, 2024 Buzz McFly

MLB Hit Peak Popularity During Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, and Sammy Sosa Era

In a groundbreaking move to inject some much-needed adrenaline into America’s former favorite pastime, Major League Baseball is contemplating a radical new strategy in an effort to put more butts in the bleachers: legalizing steroids. Believe it or not, there is a serious conversation going on behind closed doors: should MLB legalize steroids?

This controversial new proposal suggests that allowing players to bulk up could reignite the spark that once made baseball the nation’s favorite sport. The data MLB is using to fuel this debate is the legendary 1998 home run race which kept fans tuned into the season like never before. And, sadly, never again since.

Who could ever forget the great home run race of 1998? This was the last time baseball was as electrifying as a Fourth of July fireworks display. The stage was set for a historic showdown between two of the most honorable sluggers of all time, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa. They were jacked to the tits:

Proof the Zion Williamson Diet Works

March 16, 2024April 28, 2024 Buzz McFly

How Zion Williamson’s Fast Food Diet is Supersizing His Game

Back in December of 2023, Zion Williamson’s strict diet of fast food made clickbait headlines again. Like Slim Fast commercials back in the day, Williamson’s diet, or lack thereof, always seems to be overplayed. Luckily, Williamson shrugs it off with the kind of cool you’d expect from the Big Easy. Enjoy that new nickname, Zion, you’ve earned it.

Needless to say, Williamson’s physique remains a topic of conversation whether the NBA superstar is active or sidelined by injuries. Much like Williamson’s weight, the speculation regarding how Zion’s obesity affects his play is getting out of control.

In fact, rumor has it Jenny Craig reached out to Williamson to gauge his interest in becoming their new spokesperson. A Fly On The Ball reached out to Williamson’s representatives to confirm whether the rumor is true, but much like a Zion airball, any kind of a response seems to have been lost like a queef in the wind.

Zion Williamson airball complete with the Marvel graphics on ESPN2. 😂 pic.twitter.com/Ajw8CHcziY
— Awful Announcing (@awfulannouncing) May 4, 2021

Douchebag Company Makes Sean Payton New Face of Franchise

February 20, 2024February 20, 2024 Harvey Ballbanger

Denver Broncos news and rumors don’t point to a Sean Payton firing, but that shouldn’t taint anyone’s offseason. Like a good yeast infection, the Broncos are learning Coach Payton is hard to get rid of.

Two years ago, the Broncos made Russell Wilson their franchise quarterback. Denver had plans of reaching the Super Bowl, but they felt they didn’t have the right coach for the job. Then, a guy who won a Lombardi fell into Denver’s lap, and the Broncos couldn’t resist the urge to splurge.

Bill Polian Was Right About Lamar Jackson + How To Make the Baltimore Ravens the NFL’s Best

January 28, 2024April 19, 2024 Harvey Ballbanger

Lamar Jackson, Bill Polian, Baltimore Ravens

Lamar Jackson is an MVP, but one of the biggest issues plaguing the Baltimore Ravens during the superstar’s NFL career is a lack of elite receivers. Sure, Justin Tucker scores more points than anyone. But aside from Mark Andrews and Zay Flowers, Jackson doesn’t really have anyone to throw to.

The solution is obvious and Hall of Fame scout, GM, and Super Bowl champion Bill Polian nailed it years ago when discussing Jackson’s NFL Draft prospects. Here was Polian’s wise advice.

The Everlasting Ballstopper: New James Harden Candy Coming Soon!

December 23, 2023April 7, 2024 Buzz McFly

It’s no secret that Willy Wonka changed the game when it comes to sugar and candy. That’s why the famous candy gods chose to name their newest scrumtrulescent creation after James Harden of the Los Angeles Clippers.

Coming soon to a convenience store near you is the Everlasting Ballstopper, a new gob-stopping flavor dropped in collaboration between Willy Wonka and James Harden. This new designer candy is fire.

When A Fly On The Ball reached out to Willy Wonka with questions regarding why they chose Harden as inspiration for their new Everlasting Ballstopper candy, the candy-czar’s response was short and sweet:

“Game recognize game.”
– Willy Wonka on Harden’s Contribution to the Everlasting Ballstopper

James Harden the Everlasting Ballstopper Meme Los Angeles Clippers T-Shirt Heavy Cotton Tee Gildan – Unisex

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Wonka originally scheduled a night out on the town in Los Angeles to catch a Clippers game but the big Hollywood star is always so busy. As a result, A Fly On The Ball had the privilege to catch a Clippers game in Wonka’s suite along with some of the top-performing Oompa Loompas within the company.

Thanks to Wonka’s generous open-bar policy, there were unlimited drinks and sweets on hand. By sticking around, A Fly On The Ball was able to catch some interesting behind-the-scenes tidbits regarding how Wonka originally came up with the idea for the Everlasting Ballstopper.

There was one Oompa Loompa in particular, Iggywumpus Guzzle-Gloop, who had an affinity for Snozberry Schnapps. So, ol’ Buzz McFly slipped the bartender a 20 and told him to “keep ’em comin!” He obliged. By the time the third quarter rolled around, a nightmarish sugar buzz was in full swing while the booze was encouraging loose lips. Journalism 101.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Iggywumpus went all Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds while deciding to drop a few tabs under the blue moon. Finally, a golden ticket to the Everlasting Ballstopper story. The details were about to get juicy.

Is Big Bird Coaching Atlanta Falcons?

December 19, 2023December 23, 2023 Buzz McFly

How Arthur Smith and Arthur Blank Are Giving Art a Bad Name

It’s never a good look when you lose to the worst team in football. Not only did the Atlanta Falcons fall to a Carolina Panthers team that would be hard-pressed to compete in the SEC, the Dirty Birds appear to have been grounded for good. Let’s face it, this Atlanta Falcons team is built to compete in an era before the forward pass was even legal.

Ask any bird or fly for that matter. It’s impossible to take off with clipped wings. The Falcons couldn’t move the ball through the air even if they wanted to. There have been plenty of Monday morning armchair general managers who want to blame the Atlanta Falcons quarterback room, but that just isn’t fair.

The real reason why the Falcons can’t get airborne has nothing to do with Desmond Ridder’s lack of talent, inability to read a defense, or go through his progressions. Rumor has it that Falcons head coach Arthur Smith is afraid to fly. Smith’s clear fear of flying is the primary reason he doesn’t even have a dedicated quarterbacks coach on his staff in 2023.

Just like Big Bird, Arthur Smith doesn’t have the wings or aerodynamic body type required to achieve flight. Both Big Bird and Arthur Smith have the beak and the aftermarket bug shield in place, by all accounts, they look like birds. Yet, something seems off. Something just isn’t quite right here.

Bigbird One Of These Things Is Not Like The Others GIFfrom Bigbird GIFs