Douchebag Company Makes Sean Payton New Face of Franchise

Harvey Ballbanger
Sean Payton

Denver Broncos news and rumors don’t point to a Sean Payton firing, but that shouldn’t taint anyone’s offseason. Like a good yeast infection, the Broncos are learning Coach Payton is hard to get rid of. 

Two years ago, the Broncos made Russell Wilson their franchise quarterback. Denver had plans of reaching the Super Bowl, but they felt they didn’t have the right coach for the job. Then, a guy who won a Lombardi fell into Denver’s lap, and the Broncos couldn’t resist the urge to splurge.

The hope was hiring a Super Bowl winner could get the offense back on track, but there’s only room for one Coach Payton-sized ego in Denver. Suddenly, the Broncos asked Wilson to adjust his contract, the very one they agreed to just a little over a year ago. 

It was a Grade A Douchebag move from Coach Payton, and now his controlling ways have earned him an ‘in’ with a relatively unknown company that manufactures and sells feminine hygiene products. For pussies.

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Benching Russell Wilson Earns Sean Payton Endorsement with Douchebag Brand

The only bright side to Sean Payton going FUBAR on the Denver Broncos’ team chemistry that he had been working so hard to percolate is that his actions grabbed the attention of FUNGUS – A rising star in the world of douchebags. 

Included in the announcement to make Coach Payton the new face of FUNGUS was a statement: 

“We quickly recognized Sean Payton as someone who really resonated with our brand. I mean, it was obvious. When anyone thinks of a douchebag, what do you think of? Sean Payton, right? To us, this was the opportunity of a lifetime. It’s like trading for a Super Bowl QB, and then pairing him with a Lombardi-winning head coach. I mean, that’s unheard of. We can’t wait until Payton himself learns about this incredible partnership. We’re hoping to become the official douchebag of the Denver Broncos, well, after Coach Payton, respectively.”

Gene V. Ginamoist – CEO of FUNGUS (Formerly known as VagineBeClean) explaining why Sean Payton is the perfect frontman for pussy cleansers

While the financial terms of the endorsement are not known, some hovering near the piles in Mile High heard this is a lifetime douchebag contract for Coach Payton. Others are saying it’s the greatest accomplishment yet for this pussy, aside from the time the NFL managed to hand the New Orleans Saints the Super Bowl XLIV trophy for pulling off the Bountygate with so much class. 

Either way, soon enough, you just might be seeing Sean Payton’s face on your girlfriend’s douchebags, and that’s pretty fuckin’ cool man. 

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Harvey Ballbanger
Harvey Ballbanger
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Harvey Ballbanger loves to shoot the shit. If he were bigger, he’d probably be a baller. Hell, if he hadn’t gotten a wing clipped, he’d be Ballbangin’ for the NFL right now, messing around with triple-doubles in his downtime in the NBA. But that isn’t the case. Instead, Ballbanger’s letting it all hang out, delivering fresh piles, from one throne to another.

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