3 Wicked Washington Commanders Name Change Ideas

Harvey Ballbanger
Washington Commanders

Nothing About The Washington Commanders Makes Sense

OK, so the Washington Commanders. That’s kinda cool. We have the Seattle Seahawks and also the Commanders, clearly a third-rate team. 

What’s that? They’re on the east coast? Oh, ok, so like Washington D.C., sure. That’s neat. 

Wait, hold on, the Washington (D.C.) Commanders’ official operations are in Ashburn, Virginia? Yet, when it’s actually time to play football, they travel over 50 miles away to Landover, Maryland, at FedEx Field? 

How does that make any fucking sense? Everyone knows Maryland is Ravens country. 

Obviously, Daniel Snyder’s head has been up his ass and possibly up some others too. Clearly, the biggest loser among the NFL ownership group, Snyder has finally been voted off the island after 24 years, and the world couldn’t be any happier. 

Now with the Josh Harris ownership group taking over, not only is it finally cool to be a fan of the Washington football team again, the organization is quickly trying to forget about its fugly past. 

With that, we’re already discussing a Washington name change for the third time in the past four years. If so, what are some of the best Washington Commanders name change ideas in existence? They’re right here baby. 

Washington Commandalorians

This is the way. Or, at least, it could be if Washington’s shot-callers play their cards right. 

When was the last time Washington’s football team demanded any respect? Definitely not since Dan Snyder got involved. You’d have to go back to 1991, when Washington won Super Bowl XXVI to recall any moments of glory. 

Why not capitalize on the popularity of Star Wars and The Mandalorian series? The Commanders are lame, but Star Wars isn’t. 

Lightsabers? Are you kidding me? Most fans already own one or two of those, in one form or another. And they never run out of batteries. 

Why not bring that excitement to life instead of letting everyone else have all the fun? It’s time Washington becomes known for something. Seriously, they’ll take anything. 

Looking for a funny Washington Commanders fantasy football team name?

Washington Lobbyists

Look, let’s be honest. When Dan Snyder ran the Washington football team, this organization was a bunch of douchebags. That’s no different than the lobbyists and bullshitters that make up the U.S. Congress in nearby D.C. 

So, would it really be a stretch to just lean into their reputation? Whatever crappy logo they come up with couldn’t possibly be any worse than what we’ve seen from this team already, so let’s give it a shot.

Clearly, this result would be the franchise mailing it in again, as if Snyder was still operating things. But is that any different than what we see in D.C.? 

If this happens, it’s time for everyone to find a new team. Things won’t be improving any time soon.

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Washington Redskins

I’m not sure why this moniker sticks out, but it definitely does. It seems oddly familiar, yet we can’t really explain why such a name would ever make sense to begin with. If the fans were given a choice, we have a feeling they might just pick the Washington Redskins. Or, of course, there’s the Washington Hogs, which actually has some ties to the area. 

Ultimately, unless they can use Earvin Johnson’s Magic, the new ownership group might have to start from scratch. New colors, new name ideas, hell, are we even sure Washington needs a football team? 

They can’t even make up their mind about their city, nor where they should practice or play football. Are they even committed to this thing?

We know the New York Giants, Philadelphia Eagles, and Dallas Cowboys all are. They’ve shown that by winning a Super Bowl in the past 30 years.

But the Commanders? Until they change their name again, no one will take the Washington football team seriously. Let’s just hope they can pick something good this time, or we might have to seriously start thinking about relegation, which actually sounds pretty good right now. 

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Harvey Ballbanger
Harvey Ballbanger
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Harvey Ballbanger loves to shoot the shit. If he were bigger, he’d probably be a baller. Hell, if he hadn’t gotten a wing clipped, he’d be Ballbangin’ for the NFL right now, messing around with triple-doubles in his downtime in the NBA. But that isn’t the case. Instead, Ballbanger’s letting it all hang out, delivering fresh piles, from one throne to another.

2 thoughts on “3 Wicked Washington Commanders Name Change Ideas”

  1. Commander is a mid-level rank in the Navy, below Captain and Admiral. The Commanders play at FedEx Field, 20 minutes west of Annapolis, home of the Naval Academy filled with Captains and Admirals. What was Snyder thinking of when he picked this absurdly banal nickname? Switch name to RedWolves with same colors and new Hail to the RedWolves fight song!

    Reply

    1. RedWolves is a strong option! Thanks for your submission Calvin! Who wants to be a mid-level rank? Leave that for the Dallas Cowboys!

      Reply

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