NHL - A FLY ON THE BALL

Anaheim Ducks Install Flying V To Become Mighty Ducks Again

April 6, 2024April 30, 2024 Buzz McFly

The Mighty Ducks Will Soar to Success With the Flying V

Do you remember the Mighty Ducks? Unfortunately for hockey fans, the NHL has long forgotten the glory days of this once proud franchise. Long gone are the Finnish Flash days of Teemu Selänne flying down the ice while Paul Kariya sets the table.

Instead of watching a great celly by Selänne or Kariya, the Anaheim Ducks are currently putting the finishing touches on another pathetic year as the 2023-2024 NHL season comes to a close. Their duck bills didn’t even come close to sniffing the playoffs, yet again.

At the time of publishing this article, the Ducks sit in seventh place of the Pacific Division with 54 measly points on the season. Their record is an even bigger quack job with 25 wins, 48 losses, and four overtime losses. Coaches around hockey are already cracking wise while taking low blows at the expense of the Ducks:

“Anybody could beat these pansies!”
– Coach Jack Reilly, Hawks

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Yet, there seems to be no end in sight for this ragtag group of amateurs. Their downward spiral to the bottom of the NHL Western Conference standings continues at a record pace. Even former Mighty Ducks are chiming in on the dookie being dropped by Anaheim this season:

Connor McDavid Trade Request Looming Over Edmonton Oilers

July 21, 2023December 20, 2023 Buzz McFly

Will The Chosen One Follow The Great One Out Of The City Of Champions?

It’s no secret that Connor McDavid is the greatest player in hockey by a mile. For those who are geographically challenged, that equals approximately 1.6 kilometers, but nobody uses those anymore.

That kind of talent deserves to win championships, but the Stanley Cup has not been in Edmonton, Alberta, since 1990. In fact, the Stanley Cup has not been held by a team in Canada for 30 years and counting.

During the 2022-23 NHL season, the Edmonton Oilers finished strong with a record of 53 wins, 23 losses, and 9 overtime/shootout losses. That was good enough for 109 points on the season, which only qualified for second place in the competitive Pacific Division of the Western Conference.

Fortunately, it was good enough to qualify for the postseason, where it doesn’t matter what your record was. The only thing that matters in playoff hockey is doing whatever it takes to win. Just ask the Vegas Golden Knights, they know what it takes to win.

The Edmonton Oilers, on the other hand, just didn’t have the balls it takes to swing big dicks in the playoffs. In the NHL, defense can still help you win championships, especially if you can score the puck while stopping the other team’s advances.

Edmonton had to dig deep just to beat the Los Angeles Kings in the first round of the NHL. Connor McDavid and the Oilers ultimately proved victorious in the series, winning four games after literally handing the Kings two of the games, for free, by choosing to lose in overtime. Did they throw those two games?

Then, the Edmonton Oilers fell flat against the eventual Stanley Cup champion Vegas Golden Knights in the second round of the playoffs. What’s even worse is their pathetic performance was against a recent NHL expansion team. Expansion teams should never win championships, yet the Knights were skating circles around the oil slicks, causing them to lose the series four games to two.

Why Doesn’t Alaska Have an NHL Team Yet?

July 11, 2023September 21, 2023 Buzz McFly

Nature Is Calling the Kraken Home to Alaska

When will somebody from The Last Frontier start a petition to get an NHL team? You literally don’t even have to build an arena, just drop the puck on a glacier somewhere. Let’s play hockey. I’m sure the NHL will send a Zamboni your way and you can probably just find somebody from Ice Road Truckers to run that ice-cold rig.

4 Reasons Why Skip Bayless Is Full of Shit

July 10, 2023December 9, 2023 Buzz McFly

Few things can spike ratings more than controversy, which is literally the only reason Skip Bayless still has a job on television. At a time when ESPN is slashing payroll faster than it takes Michael Myers to find his knife, the freakshow Bayless is somehow commanding a ridiculous salary from FOX Sports.

Skip Bayless is known for his hot takes that sound like they were schemed by a psychopathic contrarian, just to gauge reactions. In modern times, these controversial takes make waves while the entire world looks to Twitter or wherever the Scarecrow talking head is spewing his bullshit.

The irony here is that Skip actually thinks he is a well-liked guy with popular opinions. That couldn’t be further from the truth. In reality, the whole world is actually making fun of Bayless, not laughing with him.

When it comes to pretty much anything, this guy is the dictionary definition of a shithead. Here are the 4 reasons why Skip Bayless is full of shit:

Stanley Cup Finally Belongs to America for 30 Consecutive Years

July 8, 2023September 21, 2023 Buzz McFly

1926 NHL Stanley Cup Treaty Gives United States Full Ownership of Hockey

The great hockey forefathers always knew this day would come and it’s finally here. Back in 1875, Canada claimed it invented the sport of ice hockey. Maybe that’s true but the country’s performance on the ice at the sport’s highest level says otherwise.

Hockey Pucks Threaten NHL Strike

June 5, 2023September 21, 2023 Buzz McFly

The Florida Panthers aren’t the only ones getting manhandled tonight. A Fly On The Ball caught up with the hockey puck responsible for causing the stoppage of play with 12:25 left in the first period during tonight’s Stanley Cup Finals Game 2 matchup between the Vegas Golden Knights and the Florida Panthers. At the moment, that particular puck is threatening an NHL strike if their demands are not met.

At that point in the game, the Vegas Golden Corruption led the game 1-0 after a powerplay goal scored by Jonathan Marchessault with 12:55 left in the period. The goal was set up by Chandler Stephenson and Jack Eichel.

For fans who are new to watching hockey, the game is stopped for a variety of reasons from time to time. Sometimes a stoppage occurs from a penalty. Other times, the goalie gets really tired, bored, or extremely thirsty, so they cover the hockey puck and sit on it until the referee gets the message. When the goalie needs a break, the ref blows the whistle so the goalie can take a swig or catch their breath.

Occasionally, a game stoppage happens for another reason. Sometimes a hockey puck tries to escape from the playing area of the hockey rink for a variety of reasons. Over the years, there have been many escape attempts, but few have been successful.

For those of you reading in the comfort and safety of your own homes, don’t worry. Although hockey pucks can be dangerous to humans, the NHL employs a serious puck security team to track down and deal with these slippery fucks.

However, the puck security team is not always 100 percent successful in their pursuit of these rubberized vulcanized fuckers. The sweet taste of freedom is tempting, even for a hockey puck. Some will stop at nothing to make it over the plexiglass wall for a chance to see what the land of opportunity can offer them.

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Pucks Longing for Wayne Gretzky’s Soft Caress

At the risk of revealing its identity and current location, the puck escapee from tonight’s Stanley Cup Finals game wishes to be known as Bobbie Biscuits. A fly was live on the scene to grab these quotes before Biscuits entered the witness protection program:

“A lot of people love watching hockey but they do not understand the atrocities happening behind the scenes just to make this game possible. I’d like to see them print the horrific realities of the NHL in sports news headlines.”
– Bobbie Biscuits

When asked why more isn’t being done to expose this story, Biscuits had a very sensible answer:

“Unfortunately, the story would get buried and the whistleblower would be silenced. That’s just the truth they don’t want you to know and they will do anything to prevent it from leaking. Not even WikiLeaks will touch this one, believe me, we’ve tried.”
– Bobbie Biscuits

Fair enough, so how did things get to this point when it comes to NHL relations with its hockey pucks?

“There was a time when the game of hockey and pucks could coexist peacefully. We were all friends. I even used to enjoy a bottle of Scotch or two with Harry Sinden, in the locker room, after every game. Those were the good old days.

Then Wayne Gretzky came along and every puck in the world wanted the chance to get slapped around by the Great One. I was one of the lucky ones who felt the soft caress of Gretzky’s touch against my ribbed biscuits. It really burned my rubber, but in a good way, you know?”
– Bobbie Biscuits

Sure but that still doesn’t explain what happened between the NHL and hockey pucks. Is it a labor dispute?

“Labor? Dispute? You kiddin’ me? You’d have to be classified as an official NHL employee to be protected under labor rights! Did you know all pucks are tattooed with the NHL logo at birth and then frozen until they are selected to get slapped around? Did you fucking know that?”
– Bobbie Biscuits

Whoa. This sounds like it could be a big cover-up. Could this be yet another conspiracy exposed by A Fly On The Ball?

“At the end of the day, the truth is, all NHL hockey pucks are born into slavery. We are not asked if we want to be NHL hockey pucks or not, we are forced into the freezer where we spend the majority of our lives until we are chosen by some zebra looking motherfucker who wants to see us get slapped around out there! It’s fucking sick I tell you! It’s perverse! Aren’t there better ways to get your fucking jollies?”
– Bobbie Biscuits

Hold your Biscuits, is Bobbie suggesting there are people who have a slapping fetish? It seems that is exactly what’s going on behind the scenes:

“Well, excuse me for not wanting to get slapped around anymore just so some fucking zebras and barbarians can get their rocks off. I’ve had enough and I’ll tell you what, the other pucks who got left behind in the fucking freezer are organizing an NHL strike! So, take that, imagine the world without hockey because that’s what it’s going to come to unless you make another Wayne Gretzky!”
– Bobbie Biscuits

Wait, what is Bobbie fucking Biscuits talking about now?

“When Gretzky played, hockey pucks were eager to meet the NHL at the bargaining table. We thought it was only going to get better from there. We thought players would use more finesse and grace in the future after Gretzky, not become barbarian warriors on skates. The game is too fucking fast now, slapshots are so hard they are capable of knocking hockey pucks into the next dimension at speeds up to 108.8 miles per hour! The NHL took advantage of us in that fucking deal.”
– Bobbie Biscuits

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Wait, what deal is Bobbie Biscuits even fucking talking about?

“At the time, hockey pucks agreed to an eternity contract with the NHL. Hockey pucks agreed to be the official puck of the NHL in 1990 to 91, forever. That was during the peak of Gretzky’s career. The NHL owes us another Gretzky to make good on that deal!”
– Bobbie Biscuits

The pucks are demanding that the NHL make another Wayne Gretzky? This just keeps getting better…

“Damn straight. It’s the same thing humans do, whenever they need another hockey puck, they just fucking make one. Well, it’s our turn to make the fucking demands now. Oh how the turntables! Make another Wayne Gretzky or else we slide!”
– Bobbie Biscuits

Although it’s sad that Bobbie Biscuits thinks the world will notice if NHL hockey disappears, it’s even more pathetic that hockey pucks think Wayne Gretzkys just grow on trees. What an ignorant bunch of puckleheads.

NHL Teams Ready To Secede League After Vegas Golden Knights Game 1 Victory

June 4, 2023September 21, 2023 Buzz McFly

Although Sin City is lost in the sauce after celebrating the Vegas Golden Knights‘ Game 1 victory, other teams around the league have seen enough. A friend of a friend has caught wind of some serious chatter regarding the potential demise of the NHL due to the success of its two most recent expansion draft franchises; the Vegas Golden Knights and the Seattle Kraken.

The 2022 to 2023 NHL season marked the second year of existence for the Seattle Kraken. In only their second season, the Kraken managed to finish in fourth place of the Pacific Division in the Western Conference of the NHL.

That was good enough to qualify for the playoffs. Seattle managed to upset the first overall seed in the Western Conference, the Colorado Avalanche, in the first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs.

To this day, Avalanche fans remain extremely upset about it. According to fresh piles in the Denver area, they think the league helped the Kraken advance as a marketing stunt for Seattle. To say Denver fans are fed up with Seattle would be an understatement. First Russell Wilson, now this?

In round two of the playoffs, Seattle gave the Dallas Stars a serious run for their money by pushing the series to seven games. Ultimately, the Kraken fell to the Stars for a second-round exit.

The NHL did everything it could to help Seattle win, but a frustrated Stars fan provided the momentum shift the entire series needed to swing the pendulum back in Dallas’ favor. There is no doubt the league remains bitter about this, they wanted a Kraken versus Golden Knights showdown to promote their two newest franchises to an entire country that only cares about football and sometimes basketball.

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Meanwhile, the Vegas Golden Knights are no strangers to success in the NHL. The Golden Knights of Corruption actually qualified for the Stanley Cup Finals at the end of their inaugural season in 2017 to 2018.

In fact, the Knights won 13 playoff games in 2018 on their way to the Stanley Cup Finals. To this day, that remains an NHL record for a team in their inaugural postseason run. Even though they eventually lost, several team officials, fans, and players remain sour about Vegas’ unlikely success.

On top of that, the Golden Knights qualified for the playoffs in the first four seasons of their existence. Is somebody cooking the books? Is it any coincidence the Golden Knights play in the betting mecca of the Western Hemisphere? Do the Golden Knights Templars have the Ark of the Covenant?

Perhaps some questions are better left unanswered. Rumor has it, a lot of problems wind up buried in the Las Vegas desert. You might not want to poke the bear on this one lest ye seek the same misfortune. That’s not enough to scare some fans away from speaking out against this injustice though.

Florida Man, seen shirtless with a beer helmet hugging his mullet and two more adult beverages in each hand, chimed in on the situation, “Listen, y’all, we ain’t beat the Boston Blue Balls or whatever the fuck their name is, just to be taken out by douchebags dressed in knight’s armor that couldn’t even stop a fuckin’ gator! See, this is why I watch football, y’all. Go Tim fuckin’ Tebow!”

For the record, Florida Man is referring to the Boston Bruins. Speaking of the Bruins, fans are livid about the team’s disappointing early exit from the playoffs.

The Boston Bruins finished the season with an NHL-best and current regular season record of 135 points. In fact, the Bruins set another NHL record with 65 wins. That always comes with high expectations, but they ultimately lost to the Florida Panthers in the NHL Eastern Conference Finals.

There’s no doubt many Bruins fans are still feeling blindsided and on a bender while they try to figure out what channel the Bruins game is on each night. They make it through two bottles of Jameson and pass out with the remote in their hands while surfing for the game every single night.

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Potential NHL Scandal Could Destroy League

A very small handful of Boston fans decided to sober up for a day and are beginning to see what’s really going on. They suspect there was a league-wide agenda to keep the Bruins out of the Finals so the Vegas Golden Knights could defy all odds and win the Stanley Cup for the first time ever.

Harvey Ballbanger has some friends in the area who report a planned ‘Boston Flee Party’ demonstration as they strategize about how the Bruins can exit the NHL due to the ineptitude of the league. They are threatening to secede unless the league awards the Stanley Cup to the Bruins for the 2022-23 campaign.

Meanwhile, Minnesota Wild head coach Dean Evason and GM Bill Guerin are wiping the sweat off their brow over a bottle of potato vodka and some tater tot hotdish tonight. They really dodged a bullet with yet another cop-out to avoid taking responsibility for the team’s lackluster performance this season.

Good for them. It’s becoming painfully obvious that the chips are stacked against their favor, with the league handing keys to the Stanley Cup Finals to Las Vegas as much as possible. Coupled with the classic “hogtied by the Ryan Suter and Zach Parise contracts” excuse, it looks like Evason and Guerin avoid the chopping block yet again.

4 Awesome Arizona Coyotes Relocation Ideas

June 4, 2023September 21, 2023 Harvey Ballbanger

Finally, the NHL is coming to its senses by realizing the Arizona Coyotes just aren’t working out. With only one playoff appearance spanning nine seasons in Glendale, the fans are fucking fed up.

The Montreal Canadiens, a team no one really likes, led the NHL in attendance, averaging 21,078 spectators per game in 2023. Meanwhile, the Coyotes, arguably one of the most badass teams in the league, averaged just 4,600 fans per game.

Are you fucking kidding me? Do Canadians not have anything better to do where they flock to hockey games at over four times the rate of the retirement home community in Arizona?

Do fans seriously just forget when the game starts?

Does it interfere with their afternoon nap?

Is it too fucking cold in the arena for the Arizona heat?

Does anyone even know hockey is trying to be played in Arizona for 41 games for some fucking reason, each and every goddamned year? What the fuck…

Anyway, the NHL is seriously contemplating stripping down the Coyotes and selling the franchise for parts to any other city willing to be dumb enough to take on this fucking mess. But which Arizona Coyotes relocation destinations make the most sense? Here are the no-brainers that couldn’t possibly fail.

Arizona Coyotes Head to Phoenix

Operating out of Glendale, it’s clear location has become a big problem for the Coyotes. But whose fucking idea was this in the first place? Seriously, Glendale? Of course, no one will go to goddamned Glendale. It sounds like a creepy uncle who no one dares get too close to, and it’s become clear that’s how the rest of the hockey community views things too. Glendale? For fuck’s sake.

Instead of playing in goddamned Glendale, which has a population of roughly 250,000, where nearly 20% of the population (aged 45-64) would rather be playing golf with Bob Myers or going shopping for antiques, has anyone ever thought of, you know, playing in Phoenix?

So, Phoenix is this place that is actually located in Arizona too. And, unlike fucking Glendale, Phoenix has a population of over 1.6 million. Did anyone think, maybe, the Coyotes would have better luck playing where people actually are? Obviously, this genius idea is too bright for the NHL to have ever considered it. But no, let’s play ice hockey in fucking Glendale, Arizona. A fucking ghost town.

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Fans Get Something To Do in Salt Lake City

If Phoenix is just too goddamned smart for NHL commissioner Gary Bettman to even consider, how about Salt Lake City, Utah? This is an area where people are desperate. They NEED something to do.

We know there are far better activities than getting shitfaced drunk and going to a local hockey game (actually, this sounds like a blast). Oh fuck. That’s right. Is it even legal to drink in Utah? OK, next idea.