It’s no secret that Willy Wonka changed the game when it comes to sugar and candy. That’s why the famous candy gods chose to name their newest scrumtrulescent creation after James Harden of the Los Angeles Clippers.
Coming soon to a convenience store near you is the Everlasting Ballstopper, a new gob-stopping flavor dropped in collaboration between Willy Wonka and James Harden. This new designer candy is fire.
When A Fly On The Ball reached out to Willy Wonka with questions regarding why they chose Harden as inspiration for their new Everlasting Ballstopper candy, the candy-czar’s response was short and sweet:
“Game recognize game.”
– Willy Wonka on Harden’s Contribution to the Everlasting Ballstopper
Wonka originally scheduled a night out on the town in Los Angeles to catch a Clippers game but the big Hollywood star is always so busy. As a result, A Fly On The Ball had the privilege to catch a Clippers game in Wonka’s suite along with some of the top-performing Oompa Loompas within the company.
Thanks to Wonka’s generous open-bar policy, there were unlimited drinks and sweets on hand. By sticking around, A Fly On The Ball was able to catch some interesting behind-the-scenes tidbits regarding how Wonka originally came up with the idea for the Everlasting Ballstopper.
There was one Oompa Loompa in particular, Iggywumpus Guzzle-Gloop, who had an affinity for Snozberry Schnapps. So, ol’ Buzz McFly slipped the bartender a 20 and told him to “keep ’em comin!” He obliged. By the time the third quarter rolled around, a nightmarish sugar buzz was in full swing while the booze was encouraging loose lips. Journalism 101.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Iggywumpus went all Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds while deciding to drop a few tabs under the blue moon. Finally, a golden ticket to the Everlasting Ballstopper story. The details were about to get juicy.
Once the hits started playing on the old Guzzle-Gloop jukebox, there were beans spilling everywhere. For brief moments, Iggywumpus Guzzle-Gloop began focusing intensely on the Clippers game. More specifically, his attention span was directly distracted by Harden’s actual beard. Several times throughout the evening, Iggywumpus asked people if they saw birds flying out of Harden’s beard.
In a very Matthew McConaughey way, Iggywumpus said:
“Just watch Harden’s game. The way the beard plays basketball is like masturbating with your hands tied behind your back. James Harden loves masturbating with his hands tied behind his back, balls out.
Harden loves him some bush-on-bush action, it’s kinda his new thing if you catch my drift. He always strives to reach for his daily double-double on and off the court. Now that’s dedication. He’s really good at it too, he does it almost every night.
The way we see it at Willy Wonka is, with the new Everlasting Ballstopper candy, you can see what it’s like to suck balls like James Harden every day too. Knock yourself out.”
– Iggywumpus Guzzle-Gloop on why Harden is the perfect spokesperson for the Everlasting Ballstopper
Although it’s true that Iggywumpus is privileged to some rather disturbing inside information, one thing became very clear while watching Harden play, the ball gets extremely sticky in his hands. Many people think it’s because Harden is a ballhog, but it’s actually just the result of James having a bit of a sweet-tooth before, during, and after games.
On this particular evening, Harden was eating a cherry popsicle during the game, which explains why the basketball was always sticking to his hands. Of course, Iggywumpus would lead you to believe the stickiness is not caused by a sugary substance but a rather starchy one.
Sure, there are a few things Harden isn’t very good at, such as playing within a system, facilitating a pro offense, or raising awareness about vaginal flatulence. However, when it comes to marketing the most anticipated candy since the Snickers bar, Harden is the biggest Everlasting Ballstopper on the planet.
Unlike winning a championship ring, this is something Harden will not fail at. Rumor has it the contract he signed with Wonka includes a clause allowing Willy to turn Harden into an Oompa Loompa, should he fail to sell enough boxes of candy.
Good luck with that, James. You’re going to need it. You really can’t afford to queef this one up like you did in Oklahoma City, Houston, Brooklyn, and Philadelphia.
If you or someone you know is currently suffering from vaginal flatulence, help is available. Vaginal flatulence affects billions of people around the planet, every single day. This is a serious issue that often leaves unsuspecting victims dazed and confused as to what is causing their sudden disorientation. Please keep queefs to yourself until you are in a safe, private space, completely removed from potential innocent victims.
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