Wolves in First Place in Western Conference NBA Standings

In case you’ve been living under a rock or spending too much time in the multiverse, the 2023-24 NBA Season is in full swing. With almost a quarter of the games already in the books, an interesting tinfoil hat theory is emerging from certain conspiracy circles. Why? Because the Minnesota Timberwolves currently are sitting alone atop the NBA’s Western Conference Standings with a record of 15-4.

Something just isn’t adding up here. Historically speaking, the Minnesota Timberwolves are the least successful team in the entire history of the NBA. With an all-time winning percentage of .402, the Wolves have not even been capable of playing .500 ball. Pathetic.

At the time of this article, the Timberwolves have won 1,091 games in their history while managing to lose 1,621 games. Even the Los Angeles Clippers have a higher all-time winning percentage of .419 and they’re complete losers.

What’s even worse is how the Timberwolves were a once-great franchise capable of playing with pride while packing the Target Center with balls-to-the-walls fans screaming their Minnesota Nice hearts out. When the Big Ticket was slapping the hardwood and pounding his chest, the house was always packed. 

The truth is, when the Wolves are good, the so-called State of Hockey always turns into a real basketball town. They know and appreciate great basketball and their passion for rim-protecting defense can be traced all the way back to the days of 21.

Sadly, the glory days of Kevin Garnett are long gone and as much as fans wanted it to happen, KG isn’t going to walk through those locker room doors to lace them up again. Retirement has been good to the GOAT of the Wolves but it was up to the young pups to find their own footing in the Frigid North.

As the years since the first departure of KG grew to be the norm, there were more growing pains than a typical expansion franchise even faces. From former Wolves GM David Kahn drafting Jonny Flynn over Steph Curry to Jimmy Butler screwing the entire fanbase over, cellar-dwelling had become the norm for Minnesota basketball fans.

Sure, the team always had high hopes for cornerstone big Karl-Anthony Towns but this is the modern NBA. No player can turn a franchise around by himself, let alone chase a championship. It’s impossible to do it as a lone wolf, why do you think so many superstars team up in sets of threes or more now?

That’s why the Wolves tried pairing KAT with Butler. Unfortunately, Kimmy Butler acted like a bitch, thus forcing his way out of town. The Wolves received a handful of promising yet unproven beans in exchange for trading Butler to the Philadelphia 76ers at the time.

Fast forward to today and you’d think there was a disruption in the space-time continuum. Since then, all the Wolves have done is surround KAT with young pieces boasting talented potential with athletic upside. Two of their draft picks have emerged into starters with one of them being a bona-fide NBA superstar.

Obviously Anthony Edwards doesn’t need an introduction to anybody. The other one is Jaden McDaniels, one of the top elite defenders in the NBA. McDaniels is also relatively underrated and unknown to casuals such as typical Los Angeles Lakers fans but his presence is felt in the win column, unlike a guy such as D-Lo.

While learning how to play together, KAT, Ant, and McDaniels have cut their teeth to the tune of adversity every step along the way. Now, they finally feel what it’s like to have some wind in their sails. However, the entire NBA community, including some delusional Wolves fans, tried to write this team off before the season even began.

Those ignorant haters must wake up every day feeling like they are living in an alternate timeline. Imagine being somebody who was pounding the drum saying the Minnesota Timberwolves would never be successful with the roster currently constructed by Tim Connelly.

They used to roll out of bed, take a shit, and start hatin’. Now? They simply skip the toothbrush, eat crow for breakfast, and then look in the mirror so they can proceed to the shitty portion of their day. That’s just life in the day of a Wolves hater in this new timeline.

Minnesota Timberwolves’ Three Bigs Formula Dominating NBA

In July of 2022, the Timberwolves decided to swing for the fences by trading for Rudy Gobert from the Utah Jazz. The trade has often been met with criticism from nearly every single idiotic talking head in the NBA and throughout sports media. 

Especially that bumbling knucklehead, Charles Barkley. It’s time to retire, Chuck. Not only is your basketball game washed up, your opinions are collecting dust faster than your momma’s snatch. The Minnesota Timberwolves made a retirement video for you on your way out the door, Chucklehead. Call it a little parting gift:

Sure, the 2022-23 NBA season was a little rough for the Wolves but mostly because of injuries. KAT and Gobert barely shared the floor together. There just was not enough of a sample size to draw an informed conclusion from yet.

Then, the Wolves were the only team that looked competent against the eventual NBA Champion Denver Nuggets in the playoffs. That gave real fans of the Wolves hope while making casuals everywhere start pounding the table for a KAT-Gobert breakup. Casuals are always morons. Remember that. The Wolves are proof.

It’s no secret that casuals believe a lot of delusional things. Meanwhile, others on the fringes of society offer up a more interesting theory as to what’s happening. You might want to put your tinfoil hat on for this next segment, you’re going to need it.

Some people say we are currently living in a simulation but if that was the case, why wouldn’t the program be following protocol? Protocol would have the Minnesota Timberwolves in their rightful place, in the basement of the NBA’s Western Conference standings. The fact that the Wolves are in first place proves that we are not living in a simulation, right?

Not so fast, according to one crazy, wild-eyed scientist. Doctor Emmett Brown of Hill Valley, California, offers up a more scientifically sound explanation of what’s going on in the world today. According to Doc Brown, here’s what really happened:

“I suspected the NBA and their refs had been rigging games for years. So, I took the time machine into the future to confirm my suspicions. In the year 2026, the NBA called so many phantom fouls on KAT in a Wolves uniform that they forced the team to consider trading the elite offensive superstar to the New York Knicks. This move ultimately led to the Wolves relocating as the Seattle SuperSonics.

I couldn’t let this happen to a Minnesota Timberwolves team that was destined to raise a championship banner with Anthony Edwards and KAT leading the way. So, I hopped in the DeLorean to go back to 1985 where I grabbed Marty so we could travel to the year 2022 and make things right.

In my future, but your past, during July of 2022, Marty and I met with Tim Connelly of the Minnesota Timberwolves to convince him it was time to trade for Rudy Gobert. I told him, everyone will ridicule you for a season but then you will emerge from the rubble looking like a genius. I told Tim he would change the NBA and set a new trend where bigs dominate once again.

When Tim asked why he should do this, we simply told him it’s foolish to discard the Grays Sports Almanac if you want to win big. Luckily, Connelly listened to us and we were able to safely return to the year 1985 after Minnesota acquired Gobert for pennies on the dollar.

Obviously, the time continuum has been disrupted creating this new temporal event sequence, resulting in this alternate reality. Championships are priceless. When this Wolves team hits 88 wins including the postseason, you’re gonna see some serious shit.”

– Doctor Emmett Brown, Scientist

via GIPHY

If you really think about it though, of course the Minnesota Timberwolves are winning basketball games. Size matters in basketball, it always has and it always will. By a lot. 

Yet, all of the Association became so enamored with the small ball success of the Golden State Warriors. Fortunately, that era is over. Those dinosaurs will struggle to even qualify for the playoffs while the Wolves will keep pounding the paint against any team like them.

Having skilled seven-footers in basketball across your rotation is important. Keyword being skilled. Guys like KAT and Naz Reid are offensive unicorns. Rudy Gobert is playing at an All-NBA Defense level. Jaden McDaniels will get his due All-NBA Defense recognition after this team makes waves in the playoffs.

Then, you factor Ant into the mix with all those big bodies and it’s no wonder the Wolves are alone in first place. At the end of the day, the rest of the West is shaking in their boots right now. In this new alternate timeline, the Minnesota Timberwolves are the team to beat. 

The NBA Playoffs and Finals will go through the Target Center in this all-new reality. Sorry Chuck, that means game over because you and the rest of the TNT crew lost this battle. You might want to stop Shaqtin’ a fool and hop on the Wolves bandwagon before you become the clowns.

For everyone else, you can see the full version of Doc Brown’s very rational explanation of events here:

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