The Cincinnati Bengals have made it to the Super Bowl three times, but they’ve never been the better team, always failing to win on the NFL’s biggest stage. It’s an embarrassing fact for an up-and-coming franchise that has one of the league’s best quarterbacks on the roster with Joe Burrows.
But the Bengals were in the Super Bowl two years ago and came just four points away from changing the franchise’s status as a lifetime loser forever. The fans in Cincinnati haven’t given up hope since, clinging to the dream of joining the big leagues as a respectable NFL franchise.
Yet, the Bengals fanbase might want to re-evaluate their loyalty because those waiting on a Super Bowl will end up wasting all their time on a franchise that doesn’t have the same level of commitment to winning. Here are just three reasons why the Cincinnati Bengals will never win a Super Bowl, as sad as it sounds.
Cincinnati Bengals Focus Too Much on Awesome Uniforms
Lately, it seems all the Bengals care about is redesigning their outdated uniforms. Instead of assembling one of the best rosters possible, the Bengals ended up with the NFL’s best jerseys. At least they’re the best at something.
As cool as the White Bengal jerseys and helmets are, it hasn’t changed anything about the product on the field. This is still the same group led by one of the NFL’s cheapest owners in Mike Brown. This is a guy who was given a professional football franchise thanks to being born into the right family. That could have just as easily been you or me owning the Bengals. It’s not a bad gig if you can land it.
In other words, he’s just happy to be here, and at this point, the 88-year-old just likes seeing the bright colors move around aimlessly. He can’t even see the numbers on the scoreboard, let alone try and figure out what they mean anymore. But those jerseys? White hot.
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Dogs Rule, Not Cats
Nobody likes cats. They’re just weird. And even BIGGER cats? No thanks. Everyone knows this world was made for dogs, not cats. Some people genuinely enjoy the company of dogs, but people just tolerate cats because they don’t have a choice. Only, someone in Cincinnati, long ago, decided it would be a good idea to name their team after a group of large felines. Why?
Did you know there has never been a team representing a cat to win a Super Bowl? Not a one. A Fly On The Ball did this strenuous research ourselves, and let’s just say the interns here weren’t happy about spending their entire weekend fact-checking instead of experiencing the Cincinnati nightlife.
Maybe if the Cincinnati Bengals became the Cincinnati Bulldogs, they’d be able to field a winning team. Until then, don’t waste your breath cheering for a wannabe squad.
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Drafting Joe Burrows Over Tua Tagovailoa Was a Catastrophic Mistake
If there’s anyone who understands the value of a franchise QB, it’s Mike Brown. Here’s the current Bengals owner in an interview back in 1999.
“If you don’t have a productive quarterback, you won’t go anywhere.”
Cincinnati Bungles owner Mike Brown
It’s just too bad the franchise got the biggest decision of his lifetime wrong by taking Joe Burrows over Tua Tagovailoa in 2020. Burrows was hyped as the clear-cut No. 1 overall pick, which is why the Bengals, if they were smart, would have auctioned off the pick to the highest bidder, receiving a massive trade haul in return. They could have slid down a few picks and still ended up with Tagovailoa, who was the fifth overall selection.
But no, the Bengals ended up blowing their load on Burrows, who’s actually a year older than Tagovailoa and clearly less talented.
Burrows can’t stay healthy, and it’s even starting to cause strife in the locker room, with good friend and former LSU teammate Ja’Marr Chase expressing frustration. I think we’re all frustrated with Burrows at this point.
Meanwhile, Tagovailoa is leading the most kickass offense in the NFL. How are the Bengals doing with Burrows? They’re in last place of the AFC North. Burrows has one of the worst completion rates in football and has nearly as many turnovers as touchdowns. Burrows would have been benched by now if he had not been the No. 1 overall pick. Those are just the cold, hard facts.
Look, we could go on and on about several other reasons why the Cincinnati Bengals will never win a Super Bowl. The point is, it’s time to find a new team that actually wants to rule the jungle and seize the day. Maybe the Steelers?
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Harvey Ballbanger loves to shoot the shit. If he were bigger, he’d probably be a baller. Hell, if he hadn’t gotten a wing clipped, he’d be Ballbangin’ for the NFL right now, messing around with triple-doubles in his downtime in the NBA. But that isn’t the case. Instead, Ballbanger’s letting it all hang out, delivering fresh piles, from one throne to another.
