Are The Kansas City Chiefs Becoming America’s Team?

Harvey Ballbanger
Kansas City Chiefs

Meet America’s Team – The Kansas City Chiefs

Reputable studies have shown that if you’re still calling the Dallas Cowboys ‘America’s Team,’ then you’re living in the past. 

My grandpa says the Cowboys started their act in 1960, and 18 years later, after winning two Super Bowls, Dallas thought they deserved to be called America’s Team.

Then the Cowboys were useless for 15 years before falling ass backwards into winning three Lombardi Trophies from 1992-95. But like Jerry Jones, the Cowboys haven’t accomplished anything since.

Typically, titles are earned, not given. Yet, for some reason, that rule hasn’t applied to the Cowboys. You wouldn’t just go around calling Jordan Love the greatest quarterback of all time for no reason, right? Of course not, because that would be ridiculous. 

Think about it. When was the last time you overheard someone saying they actually liked the Cowboys? It’s never happened. Everyone hates the Cowboys.

But the Kansas City Chiefs are a different story. People actually like the Chiefs. Many of them. 

Consider this: when Taylor Swift and her legion were looking for a muse, she made sure to steer far clear of the Cowboys, knowing the yellow brick road didn’t lead to Dallas. Like Gronk with Tom Brady’s crypto scheme, even Swifties know those stars on the sides of the Cowboys’ helmets are just stickers.

Unlike the Cowboys, the Chiefs aren’t just a make-believe football team of actresses putting on makeup and dressing in character on gameday to help Jerry Jones transform into a Cookie Monster that feeds off glory hole glazing.

This group is different. Kansas City has winners like Andy Reid, Patrick Mahomes, and Travis Kelce. This team has panache. 

An excitable head coach with otherworldly athletic skills who now doubles as an expert cheeseburger detective? Check. 

A QB who closely resembles the main character from the Frogger arcade games our parents grew up playing? Not what we had in mind, yet still, that’s another check.

Then we get to the fairest of them all, Travis Kelce. Bearing the mustache of America, Kelce plays hero in this timeline.

He caters to the Swifties–thanks to that bushy beaver bristle and jokes that can make her cleaver whistle. Not to mention, Kelce has a super chill vibe that suggests he’d be happy just smoking weed and drinking with the fellas too.

This looks and feels like a group that your uncle could infiltrate tomorrow, and the Chiefs still wouldn’t skip a beat. 

That, my compadres, is America’s Team. 

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Harvey Ballbanger
Harvey Ballbanger

Harvey Ballbanger loves to shoot the shit. If he were bigger, he’d probably be a baller. Hell, if he hadn’t gotten a wing clipped, he’d be Ballbangin’ for the NFL right now, messing around with triple-doubles in his downtime in the NBA. But that isn’t the case. Instead, Ballbanger’s letting it all hang out, delivering fresh piles, from one throne to another.

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