Harvey Ballbanger

Harvey Ballbanger loves to shoot the shit. If he were bigger, he’d probably be a baller. Hell, if he hadn’t gotten a wing clipped, he’d be Ballbangin’ for the NFL right now, messing around with triple-doubles in his downtime in the NBA. But that isn’t the case. Instead, Ballbanger’s letting it all hang out, delivering fresh piles, from one throne to another.

One NBA Free Agency Signing Every Team Needs To Make

Harvey Ballbanger
NBA free agency

There can only be one winner. This year, it was the Denver Nuggets, but now even the defending champions face massive challenges heading into NBA free agency. 

For teams who didn’t make a splash in the NBA draft or via trade, the free agent market is the next best option. This year’s crop of talent includes a lot of key players, like James Harden and Kyrie Irving. But there’s a wide collection of athletes who have largely snuck under the radar and can help win an NBA championship next season.

Here is one realistic NBA free agency signing every team needs to make this summer. Is there a name we missed? Or perhaps a player who you feel is a better fit for your favorite team? Let us know in the comment section below. 

Atlanta Hawks

  • D’Angelo Russell
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Why Jordan Love Will Be the Greatest Green Bay Packers QB in Franchise History

Harvey Ballbanger
Green Bay Packers, Jordan Love

Bart Starr. Brett Favre. Aaron Rodgers. What do all these Hall of Fame quarterbacks have in common? They’ve all won Super Bowls with the Green Bay Packers and are considered among the greatest QBs in NFL history. They’re true legends of the game.

The cheeseheads who gather to fart a suffocating dairy-air-infested cloud around Lambeau Field on Lombardi Avenue know this all too well. For the knuckleheads who can’t tell the difference between Colby-Jack and Monterey cheese, we have a message for you. 

Despite Starr, Favre, and Rodgers collecting a combined four Super Bowl trophies, Jordan Love will be better than all of them combined. Here’s why. 

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5 New Features Coming to Madden NFL 24

Harvey Ballbanger
Madden NFL 24

Every fucking year, EA Sports hypes up the new version of the only football game with NFL licensing, giving access to actual players and actual teams instead of a fictional creation that no one would reasonably believe is real, like a player named Christian Kuntz or a team that has no purpose, like the Houston Texans. 

By now, you’ve probably put your brain cell to work, realizing we’re talking about Madden NFL 24, set to release on August 18, 2023. This year, the folks at A Fly On The Ball decided to pick up the slack from the EA Sports team, hyping up the Madden series for them since they’re no longer the most popular video game in the United States. 

Since EA Sports can’t seem to get their heads out of their collective asses, we put together a quick article highlighting five unique features coming to Madden NFL 24 this August. We think gamers will be thrilled to get their pricks on the sticks later this season once they finally figure out what’s in store. Let us know if you agree in the comments below. 

Flag Football Mode

As award-winning esteemed reporter Buzz McFly recently highlighted, flag football is coming to the NFL. It’s inevitable. Madden NFL 24 gets the party started early by bringing a flag football mode to their showcase. Just like the NFL, tackling has been removed from the game completely.

Imagine finally being able to play a simulation football game where there isn’t a single big hit or tackle that makes you go, “OOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!” Wouldn’t that be special? The advanced minds at EA Sports think so too.

Finally, gamers won’t have to worry about injuring their hated rivals by kindly and very gently tapping the ‘X’ button to attempt to pull the flag off the ball carrier. What a thrill. 

Imagine the pure exhilaration when you’re dashing by an opponent, and they don’t get your flag. Wow. What a deal. This is the peak right here. But believe it or not, there are other features gamers may be looking forward to even more than the industry-changing flag football mode this year. 

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Be A Fan Mode

Haven’t you ever wanted to just be a fan? Imagine being able to go through a full 18-week season, sitting in the stands for all four quarters, including halftime of every single game, plus doing whatever the fuck you want during the bye. There are no fast-forwards, simulation tools, or quick-play buttons here, just like real life. Wow, they’ve really thought of everything!

Pay for your seats using real money, and see if you can work your way up to sitting on the sidelines like a champion or get used to sitting in the cheap seats like a total fucking loser. The choice is yours in Madden NFL 24.

You won’t quite have to deal with annoying vendors offering you complementary hot dogs or watered-down beverages to quench your thirst after you’ve been putting in work, soaking up the sun, or freezing your titsicles off. Instead, mealtime is your responsibility that you deal with at your own discretion, but remember; you can’t pause this game mode. 

The idea is to cheer on your favorite team, trying to jack off the decibel level in-stadium while aiming to break your own personal bests. Who can be the loudest? That’s for the fans to decide! Yell your heart out. Your neighbors will surely understand that you’re just living your best life, playing Madden NFL 24, trying to earn the ‘Loudmouth Achievement.’ 

Just make sure you’re cheering your loudest at all times. You don’t want to be the sole reason your team misses the playoffs after Week 18, just because someone was being a pansy instead of giving it their all. Gamers can even party up and cheer with their friends in group gangbang sessions that will leave zero questions unanswered amongst your peers.

Superstar Mode Tweaks – Isaiah Rodgers Simulation Experience

It’s recently come to our attention that the life we have been living in the game of Madden in Superstar Mode is nowhere near close to reality. NFL players have been going behind our backs for years, apparently with the ability to place sports bets whenever they like, wherever they please. Meanwhile, I’ve spent countless hours in Madden, trying to unlock every achievement and trophy possible, and I still can’t get the betting feature unlocked. 

But since sports gambling has become a major part of the average NFL player’s day-to-day life, we fully anticipate the feature becoming easier to find in Madden NFL 24. 

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Victor Wembanyama Retires From NBA After Learning of San Antonio Spurs’ Questionable Past

Harvey Ballbanger
Victor Wembanyama

There have never been more douchebags on social media than there are today, which means no prospect has ever had their dick publicly sucked more than Victor Wembanyama before they’ve even stepped foot on an NBA court. 

They say he’s Kevin Durant combined with Rudy Gobert. Michael Jordan combined with Hakeem Olajuwon. How could the 7-foot-3 Frenchman fail?

Yet, some skeptics suggest the 19-year-old with a silky smooth jumper and an alien-like 8-foot wingspan could still be a bust at the next level. Remember, Wembanyama hasn’t taken a traditional route to the NBA. 

He’s coming over from France, known more for overhyping meaningless statues than developing NBA superstars. This isn’t LeBron James or Michael Jordan. Chances are Victor Wembanyama is a bust, folks. 

But those with a keen eye who know Wemby doesn’t have a chance in the NBA won’t have to worry about being wrong. They’ve forced this freakishly large creature into retirement before the games have even begun.

The San Antonio Spurs hoped to add Wembanyama, making him the immediate face of a franchise in desperate need of a savior. However, reports out of France have the athlete retiring instead.

The stunning decision was seemingly triggered after encountering his first Spurs fan on June 17, just five days before the NBA Draft. Wembanyama witnessed this crazed fanatic sell his soul, getting a fugly haircut depicting the Frenchman shown below. 

But clearly, some shit was steaming behind the scenes as the Spurs were seemingly aware of Wembanyama getting cold feet days ahead of time. On the 14th, it was reported that the Spurs would hold an undescribed press conference two days after the draft, no doubt an attempt to save face following yet another embarrassment with Wembanyama ditching town.

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San Antonio Spurs’ past shocked Victor Wembanyama

While the artwork depicted above played a heavy role in the decision, the initial issue stemmed from Wembanyama learning about the Spurs’ very questionable past. 

Which head coach has the best win percentage in NBA history? Gregg Popovich. Which NBA team has the best win percentage of all time? The San Antonio Spurs. 

So how the fuck are they in position to land the best NBA prospect since Jesus Christ built LeBron James in NBA 2K? Something’s off here, and it doesn’t take a shitload of flies flapping their wings together to figure it out. 

Popovich doesn’t need Wemby’s Hall of Fame skills to build a winner. Pop has done this his entire 74-year coaching career with players far less talented than some hotshot kid with a wicked jump shot. The guy’s a dedicated lifer.

First, it was David Robinson. He did his best to stay away from the Spurs, even going to the lengths of joining the fucking Navy to do so.

Seriously, what shredded 7-footer elects to do 1,000 pushups a day on a fucking submarine instead of playing in the NBA? That’s how much D-Rob was trying to evade San Antonio. Robinson lasted two full years on that submarine, crammed in there like a fucking sardine, before being forced to join the Spurs’ circus.

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Four People LIV Golf Should Sign Next, Including Tiger Woods

Harvey Ballbanger
LIV Golf, Tiger Woods

After nearly breaking out into a war fought using golf clubs and withholding country club memberships, the golfing community will return to its regularly scheduled tee times thanks to the LIV Golf-PGA Tour merger. If you are confused about what the merger is, don’t worry. Nothing is really all that clear when it comes to golf.

If there ever was a rulebook, it went out the window when Brinks trucks full of Saudi money showed up. Didn’t you get any? Almost everyone else did. For those who were left behind, there’s still time to rake it in and live in sin.

If you were one of the lucky golfers who now has “fuck you” money because of the LIV, life is about to get even better. Give yourself a pat on the ol’ back, laddy. Ya done good.

The LIV-PGA merger essentially means golfers who were banned by the PGA due to their decision to hop into bed with the Saudi golf tour can now reapply for membership. Please take a number and wait for your turn.

As a result, it’s time for golfers who did not join the LIV to do some serious soul-searching. There is literally not a single fucking reason in the world why you couldn’t be nose-diving into your treasure vault full of Benjamin Franklins like you are Scrooge fucking McDuck right now. What are you waiting for?

Here are four people who should consider signing with the LIV now that the rulebook has been thrown out the window by the PGA:

Tiger Woods – The Obvious Choice for LIV Golf

This story practically writes itself. Tiger Woods puts his recent golfing struggles behind him once and for all by joining the LIV Tour. Tiger will finally have the platform to showcase his skills while earning the kind of paycheck he deserves for carrying the sport of golf for the past three fucking decades. 

Now that LIV golfers can reapply for a PGA membership, why not get the best of both worlds? Come get a whiff of that sweet double dip by grabbing some naughty, filthy money from the LIV and still qualify for all those wholesome PGA events. Way to go Tiger, get that bag! You’ve earned it. This is a hole-in-one for golf as a whole. That’s a lot of holes.

Billy Horschel Eats Crow

From time to time, everybody eventually eats some crow. Guess what, Billy? Your time is up and dinner is served. But hey buddy, look on the bright side, it’s not all bad. You can finish chewing that crow and swallowing the final bite in time to sign your new LIV deal.

Welcome to the big leagues, Billy the Kidd, you finally fucking made it. What are you going to buy first? A new publicist? You’re welcome for that free advice, Billy.

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Donald Trump Still Curious About Putters

A lot can change in only a few short years. Just look at former President Donald Trump, for example. Now here’s a man with absolutely nothing to do these days. Despite how polarizing he can be, you can’t help but feel kinda sorry for the guy.

Set to turn 77 on June 14, President Trump also happens to be in his golfing prime. He has so much time on his hands lately, he couldn’t help but chime in on the LIV-PGA merger.

“GREAT NEWS FROM LIV GOLF. A BIG, BEAUTIFUL, AND GLAMOROUS DEAL FOR THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF GOLF. CONGRATS TO ALL!!!”

Donald Trump, screaming through the keyboard with the Caps Lock button on

Trump couldn’t wait to take to his social media like a schoolgirl and let everyone know how he felt about the “glamorous” deal. Brimming with excitement, this makes us wonder if he wants a piece of the sweet action. This is similar to another time when he was thinking about making a switch:

“It’s like in golf… A lot of people – I don’t want this to sound trivial – but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive… it’s weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can’t sink three-footers anymore. And, I hate it. I am a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.”

Donald Trump, New York Times, 1/5/11

That sounds like a guy who wants in, but he’s not sure if he has an invitation. He’s clearly very into golf and he’s kinda curious about these really long putters. In the past, they haven’t really done it for him since he sees himself as a traditionalist.

However, the Don clearly wants to be a great player and he knows he’s going to have to use these really long putters eventually because it’s what the greats use. He wants to be one of the greats. It’s all right there in the quote.

Trump also is a very savvy negotiator, he is probably just using this “will I or won’t I” technique to squeeze more money out of the Saudis. After he picks his bag up from the LIV, he can laugh all the way to the course where he is only going to boost the popularity of the brand with his viral takes on pretty much everything under the sun.

Well, there you have it, losers. Fuck off if you don’t like it, besides, it’s not your fault. Don’s brash takes and magnetizing personality are exactly what the LIV needs to take the brand global. This is a win-win and maybe it will give the Don something else to focus on right now. 

Caitlyn Jenner Makes America Great Again

A true All-American hero and a fiery competitor who would stop at nothing to achieve their dreams. Absolutely nothing was impossible for this athletic freak. A former college football player at Graceland, Jenner was always willing to drop everything for the team. He dominated nearly every sport, setting world records by going balls out in the Olympics, crushing the pole vault, and several other gay events. 

To this day, some still say Bruce Jenner is the greatest athlete in the world. Alright, well, time to fucking prove it. Now Caitlyn Jenner, the Male Athlete of the Year in 1976, won’t ever be more ready than she is right fucking now at the ripe age of 73. It’s time to shine, girl.

LIV Golf Gets the Starpower It Desperately Needs

As if golf couldn’t get any fucking easier. This is a no-brainer, folks. LIV gives you more money while making you work less. Check it out, LIV only plays lightning-quick three-round tournaments instead of the excessively long four-round format of the old PGA.

On top of that, there are far fewer tournaments on the LIV schedule each year compared to the demanding PGA Tour that everybody is kind of sick of at this point. Fuck the PGA. That’s what Phil Mickelson did and he’s doing just fine.

Meanwhile, Chase Koepka is making so much money from LIV that he doesn’t have a single care in the world anymore. He is so stress-free now that he was able to nail this hole in one. Impressive. 

That’s how accepting LIV money can change your life and take your golfing game to the next fucking level. If Chase Koepka can do it, anybody can. Nobody’s ever fucking heard of this guy before and now he has more money than you. A lot more. Why? Because the LIV is extremely generous. 

So, there you have it, Caitlyn Jenner and Donald Trump, if you join the LIV, you will make enough money to become relevant again, and who knows? Maybe you’ll even sink a hole in one. Remember those?

If you really think about it, the LIV is all about second chances, just like America. At one time, both Trump and Jenner knew what it felt like to be on top of the world. With LIV, they won’t even need blow to get back on top. That’s pretty dope.

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New York Yankees Blame Canada for MLB Postponements With Claims of ‘Poor Air Quality’

Harvey Ballbanger
New York Yankees

It turns out money can’t buy happiness, even when you’re the New York Yankees, with a $558 million payroll. While this beef has been boiling over for generations, New York’s longstanding rivalry with its neighbors to the north, Canada in this case, has stooped to new lows. 

Look. Nobody likes their neighbors. That’s just a fact. Here we have two areas who likely both feel they have gotten a raw deal. Seriously, imagine being neighbors with New York? Or even worse, being neighbors with Canada? Fuck that shit, right?

The Yankees have tons of money, and they have done their best to ignore their funny-sounding neighbors since 1903, but eventually, you just get sick of putting up with someone else’s shit. Buttons have to be pressed. Changes have to be made. That effort took on a life of its own on Wednesday.

Here we have a scenario where the New York Yankees are now refusing to play baseball, all because of Canada. But, really, think of the situation, do you blame them?

Notice how the New York Yankees are officially blaming Canada? That’s a significant development in this longstanding battle. The Toronto Blue Jays, New York’s American League East rivals, had no comment. But how could they? Who would listen?

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Philadelphia Phillies Copy New York Yankees

Bless the Philadelphia Phillies’ hearts. They heard about New York’s strike against Canada and felt compelled to do the same. But you’ll notice, as tempting as it is, they didn’t try and shift their mess on Canada’s plate.

Although, while Philadelphia is bold, New York gets some additional brownie points for going balls to the wall. They don’t give a fuck. They straight-up blamed Canada.

Meanwhile, Philly? They’re just looking for an excuse for a day off. Do you know they play 162 fucking games? This is likely why the Phillies have boycotted the playoffs in 10 of the past 11 seasons.

Yet, going back to the original issue, is this really even Canada’s fault to begin with? After all, according to IQAir, “New York City’s air quality is officially the worst in the world.” Buzz McFly’s sources can back up these claims: 

“It’s fuckin bullshit out hea! Canada did it again! Can you believe it? There are some with the NERVE, the FUCKIN audacity, sayin we shouldn’t blame Canada? Some conspiracists are theorizin’ the what’s it called, ‘piss-poor air quality’? Yeah, they’re sayin’ it’s cuz of Jersey, you know, the people fartin cuz of the pizza and all that. But lemme tell ya, that ain’t it. I, and this is just between you and me, I don’t think I’ve farted all day, no, all week. Write that down. So yeah, I mean, New Yorkers aren’t even fartin’ anymore. This is all Canada, the proof is in the syrup. Oh, and go Yankees.“

Anonymous sources close to A Fly On A Ball’s Buzz McFly

Really? Not even farting anymore? That’s just not physically possible. Seriously, just look at this scene, and try and tell me with a straight face you haven’t farted all day, no, all week. We just don’t buy it. Shitty neighbors or not. 

This shit doesn’t check out. Something smells way, way off.

The Yankees had no issues choking down their own farts suffering through nine innings in a 3-2 loss to the Chicago White Sox when air quality levels were measured to be unhealthy on Tuesday, so what changed?

Did everyone go out for a post-game burger and brewski, making an unhealthy situation practically unlivable? Now the air quality is actually considered hazardous, which is the same thing they say about natural gases. See a correlation?

How about instead of blaming Canada, we, as a nation, think twice before lifting a cheek and letting ‘er rip? Is it really that difficult? Do we have to continue picking fights with our neighbors, as shitty as they are? As they say, whoever smelt it, dealt it. That’s day one shit.

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How Kneeling Led to NFL Popularity Being at an All-Time High

Harvey Ballbanger
NFL

Despite Tom Brady’s unforeseen retirement, the NFL’s popularity is at an all-time high heading into the 2023 season. There isn’t a single indicator suggesting otherwise. How did we get here? It’s actually quite obvious. 

Rewind back to September 1, 2016, when San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick took a knee during the national anthem to call attention to police brutality and racial inequality issues. 

Despite the effort gaining steam from athletes in the NFL and sports worldwide, Kaepernick’s decision to kneel drew the ire of several others who were completely butthurt by the act.

Kaepernick’s movement would be intensely amplified by several other NFL athletes joining in after former President Donald Trump took offense to the gesture and criticized the movement, leading to over 130 players kneeling or sitting just on one NFL Sunday. Here were Trump’s comments that sparked the increased volume of participants: 

“Wouldn’t you love to see one of these NFL owners, when somebody disrespects our flag, to say, ‘Get that son of a bitch off the field right now, out? He’s fired. You know, some owner is going to do that. He’s gonna say, ‘That guy disrespects our flag, he’s fired.’ And that owner, they don’t know it. They don’t know it. They’re friends of mine, many of them. They don’t know it. They’ll be the most popular person, for a week. They’ll be the most popular person in the country.”

Of course, the former president failed to realize that Kaepernick was never protesting the national anthem or the American flag. He just wanted to protest police brutality and racial inequality. Yet, it didn’t matter. The faces of certain NFL fans turned red as they turned their ears off and unplugged their televisions so they could get back to their previously scheduled Klan meetings. 

Years later, we still have the receipts of those who said they would no longer watch the NFL from those who planned to boycott the league over the ‘kneeling issue.’ 

According to Sports Insider, Mississippi, Florida, and Iowa hilariously led the charge of states who intended to boycott the NFL. Well, the joke is on them, as they’re too illiterate to understand the NFL has been boycotting Mississippi and Iowa since its inauguration in 1920. And, like Donald Trump, Florida can just go fuck off. Florida sure seemed to be watching when Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers won Super Bowl LV in 2021.

As for the fans who reportedly planned to boycott the NFL? It seems they too have kindly fucked off without anyone noticing their much-appreciated absence. 

Since then, we’ve seen the NFL add another game to their schedule, now playing 17 regular season contests, proving fans crave more football than ever. 

It’s time for these losers to face it. The NFL’s popularity is at an all-time high. Coaches and players are paid more than ever before. The NFL signed their biggest television deal in league history, a contract worth more than $100 billion, and TV ratings are at an all-time high. In fact, no other TV production is able to draw more viewers than an NFL game.

The NFL’s salary cap ballooned again this past offseason to a new record-high $224.8 million per team, per season. Once again, it’s obvious that Colin Kaepernick’s decision to kneel directly led to the NFL’s popularity reaching record highs. Anyone trying to argue otherwise isn’t woke.

But the league’s newfound popularity is not what these ill-advised tweeters were expecting years ago. 

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These Tweets Didn’t Age Well

While all these other tweets are from YEARS ago, this one from Brigitte Gabriel is amazingly from this past April. That is, April of 2023 for an issue that was so seven fucking years ago.

Umm… What the fuck? Does she know Kaepernick hasn’t played in the NFL for over seven years? The 35-year-old QB isn’t a huge threat to bother you on draft day in April, you know, seven fucking years after he’s been on the field. But no, get your dry-ass panties in a bunch about this one, Brigitte. Go get your attention elsewhere because the NFL doesn’t fucking care about you either.

Well, you heard it here first. Football is officially dead, folks. No one likes Patrick Mahomes, seeing Justin Jefferson doing the Griddy, or watching Lamar Jackson put on a dazzling display with his arm and his legs on gameday. No one. Goodbye NFL… Someone no one cares about (Eric Trump) is no longer watching. Oh heavens, how will the league ever recover?

Like Andrew Luck and Mike Pence, we’d leave an Indianapolis Colts game before kickoff too. This is a team that won just four games that season and four games again in 2022, even allowing the largest comeback in NFL history. Luck would walk out for good one year later. But that’s a fresh pile for a different time. 

The point is the NFL has never been bigger than it is today, and we have no one else to thank for this than the kneeling movement, which helped draw more attention to the league than ever before. Because honestly, who gives a fuck about whether someone decides to kneel or stand? Like sitting or standing, it sounds like a personal preference that we couldn’t fucking care less about. Play fucking ball.

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Jimmy Butler Isolates in Escape Room After Miami Heat Loss

Harvey Ballbanger
Jimmy Butler

All NBA teams and players handle wins and losses differently. The great ones dive into the film, maybe hit the weight room or go back to the court to work on their game. Not Jimmy Butler. At the moment, Jimmy Butler is not handling the feelings that come with being a loser with any kind of fucking poise.

After the fifth NBA Finals loss of his overrated career, Butler didn’t head back to the drawing board or gather with his teammates. In fact, he didn’t do anything that might resemble the Heat culture Pat Riley and the Miami Nose Candy have worked so sleeplessly to build. 

Strung out or not, it’s no wonder Pat’s forgotten that 42-year-old Udonis Haslem is even still on the roster. Maybe that has more to do with Riley’s age at this point.

Instead, Butler proved why he’ll never take the steps necessary to become an NBA star. According to General Soreness himself, Butler opted to head to an ‘escape room’ after letting his teammates down once again. Meanwhile, his Miami Heat teammates are the ones who have to dig deep and find their playoff balls as they feel abandoned by their fearful leader.

Just like when Jimmy was limping his way off the Minnesota Timberwolves, his teammates are the ones left to pick up the slack while attempting to carry the team to the finish line. Of course, this time Butler did not even need the scraper, Rachel Nichols, to carry out his diabolical plan of self-destruction and team chemistry implosion.

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Jimmy Butler on Downward Spiral Toward Rock Bottom

His shame grew so great that Butler was afraid to even show his face following the team’s 104-93 loss to Nikola Jokic and the Denver Nuggets. Understandably so. This deliberate avoidance of the media after a career-defining loss takes the walk of shame to a whole new level.

Unfortunately, nothing in Butler’s life is going right, as usual. Here are the has-been’s almost-too-revealing comments following Game 1:

“Played a lot of spades. Spades didn’t go too well for me yesterday, now that I think about it. I’m going to do an escape room tonight. I think my guys went and saw Spiderman today. Just doing normal stuff, because at the end of the day, I’m as normal as they come. It’s not always about basketball.”

As Butler admits, it’s not about basketball anymore for the never-will-be. It’s sad to hear him try to convince the general public he’s “as normal as they come.” It’s clear the soon-to-be former athlete has completely lost touch with who he is as of late. 

First of all, there is nothing normal about forcing your way off of every single team you have ever been on for selfish reasons. Secondly, why didn’t Jimmy Butler go with his teammates to see Spiderman? It’s become pretty clear Jimmy Butler’s teammates have grown tired of the NBA’s version of Bozo the Clown and his borderline-psychopathic antics.

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4 Awesome Arizona Coyotes Relocation Ideas

Harvey Ballbanger
Arizona Coyotes

Finally, the NHL is coming to its senses by realizing the Arizona Coyotes just aren’t working out. With only one playoff appearance spanning nine seasons in Glendale, the fans are fucking fed up. 

The Montreal Canadiens, a team no one really likes, led the NHL in attendance, averaging 21,078 spectators per game in 2023. Meanwhile, the Coyotes, arguably one of the most badass teams in the league, averaged just 4,600 fans per game. 

Are you fucking kidding me? Do Canadians not have anything better to do where they flock to hockey games at over four times the rate of the retirement home community in Arizona? 

Do fans seriously just forget when the game starts? 

Does it interfere with their afternoon nap?

Is it too fucking cold in the arena for the Arizona heat?

Does anyone even know hockey is trying to be played in Arizona for 41 games for some fucking reason, each and every goddamned year? What the fuck…

Anyway, the NHL is seriously contemplating stripping down the Coyotes and selling the franchise for parts to any other city willing to be dumb enough to take on this fucking mess. But which Arizona Coyotes relocation destinations make the most sense? Here are the no-brainers that couldn’t possibly fail. 

Arizona Coyotes Head to Phoenix

Operating out of Glendale, it’s clear location has become a big problem for the Coyotes. But whose fucking idea was this in the first place? Seriously, Glendale? Of course, no one will go to goddamned Glendale. It sounds like a creepy uncle who no one dares get too close to, and it’s become clear that’s how the rest of the hockey community views things too. Glendale? For fuck’s sake.

Instead of playing in goddamned Glendale, which has a population of roughly 250,000, where nearly 20% of the population (aged 45-64) would rather be playing golf with Bob Myers or going shopping for antiques, has anyone ever thought of, you know, playing in Phoenix?

So, Phoenix is this place that is actually located in Arizona too. And, unlike fucking Glendale, Phoenix has a population of over 1.6 million. Did anyone think, maybe, the Coyotes would have better luck playing where people actually are? Obviously, this genius idea is too bright for the NHL to have ever considered it. But no, let’s play ice hockey in fucking Glendale, Arizona. A fucking ghost town.

Fans Get Something To Do in Salt Lake City

If Phoenix is just too goddamned smart for NHL commissioner Gary Bettman to even consider, how about Salt Lake City, Utah? This is an area where people are desperate. They NEED something to do. 

We know there are far better activities than getting shitfaced drunk and going to a local hockey game (actually, this sounds like a blast). Oh fuck. That’s right. Is it even legal to drink in Utah? OK, next idea.

Continue reading “4 Awesome Arizona Coyotes Relocation Ideas”
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Kirk Cousins Working On Rap Album Titled ‘You Like That’

Harvey Ballbanger
Kirk Cousins, Kirk Cousins rap album

If there’s one athlete no one wants to hear a rap album from, it’s Kirk Cousins, quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings. Yet, sometimes the world has a way of giving us what we want the least. 

The next Spotify artist to pop up on your Release Radar is an up-and-comer out of Barrington, Illinois, who also shouts out Holland, Michigan. But his latest musical inspiration comes from another area up north. 

The artist in question specializes in hip hop, and his moniker is Kirko Chainz, but most know him as Kirk Cousins, starting QB of the Minnesota Vikings. Buzz from the music studio suggests Cousins is working on a rap album, which will be the first of his career.

Kirk Cousins’ Rap Album Tracklist Revealed

The tracklist, which is a work in progress due to musicians being hard at work, deep into their creative process, lost in the sauce, fried off the finest indicas, enhanced by the wildest psychedelics recommended by Aaron Rodgers’ guy, includes a few notable gems.

One that will stick out to football fans is conveniently track No. 14. We’re unsure how many songs the album will have, but this one specifically said it was track No. 14. This could be a coincidence, but the song is titled “Snitch Bitch.”

Of course, Stefon Diggs, Cousins’ former teammate who wanted a trade from the Vikings, wears No. 14. One ballbanger who caught a few notes breezing in the wind overhead Cousins rapping the words “Traded you to Buffalo once you became a whiny bitch. Everyone knows 18 would never turn snitch.” Cousins can even be seen doing the Griddy during the music video while rapping the words. 

Looking for funny Minnesota Vikings fantasy football team names?

Cousins, who likely winces at each swear word heard on the music waves, wasn’t afraid to let the f-bombs fly when his alter ego Kirko Chainz takes over in the booth, bringing out a new side few have gotten a glimpse of.

For those who managed to stay with the rollercoaster season that saw the Vikings play 12 one-score games in 2023, there was no cockier figure than Cousins. He’d start the season by getting a brand-new whip, and the previously dormant devout Christian suddenly had a new off-field persona, where he’d be seen strutting around the team plane with his shirt off, even wearing other athletes’ lavish thousand-dollar chains around his neck.

As far as we know, making rap music is yet another new territory for the soon-to-be 35-year-old QB. Who knows? The four-time Pro Bowler is headed into the final year of his contract with the Vikings. It’s possible that Cousins, widely regarded as one of the most financially wise players in pro sports history, could be thinking about life after football.

Craving more Ballbangers? – Kirk Cousins Rap Album Leaks Vikings Diss Tracks

As we’ve seen far too many times than we’d like to admit, life comes at you fast. Even one of the NFL’s trendsetters doesn’t know when his health will force him into retirement. 

He can plan to play as long as he wants, but if teams don’t come calling when free agency arrives, Cousins will have no choice but to hang up his cleats. This will lead him down a natural path toward picking up the microphone to spit more bars and inevitably clap the cheeks. Once the rap game gets a taste of his talent, the Kirko Chainz fans will demand more content. We’ve never been more sure of anything in our lives.

Will you be getting Kirk Cousins’ rap album, titled You Like That By Kirko Chainz, when it arrives on streaming devices? We won’t be able to resist finding out what other beef may be revealed or which brand of jeans he prefers.

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