After nearly breaking out into a war fought using golf clubs and withholding country club memberships, the golfing community will return to its regularly scheduled tee times thanks to the LIV Golf-PGA Tour merger. If you are confused about what the merger is, don’t worry. Nothing is really all that clear when it comes to golf.
If there ever was a rulebook, it went out the window when Brinks trucks full of Saudi money showed up. Didn’t you get any? Almost everyone else did. For those who were left behind, there’s still time to rake it in and live in sin.
If you were one of the lucky golfers who now has “fuck you” money because of the LIV, life is about to get even better. Give yourself a pat on the ol’ back, laddy. Ya done good.
The LIV-PGA merger essentially means golfers who were banned by the PGA due to their decision to hop into bed with the Saudi golf tour can now reapply for membership. Please take a number and wait for your turn.
As a result, it’s time for golfers who did not join the LIV to do some serious soul-searching. There is literally not a single fucking reason in the world why you couldn’t be nose-diving into your treasure vault full of Benjamin Franklins like you are Scrooge fucking McDuck right now. What are you waiting for?
Here are four people who should consider signing with the LIV now that the rulebook has been thrown out the window by the PGA:
Tiger Woods – The Obvious Choice for LIV Golf
This story practically writes itself. Tiger Woods puts his recent golfing struggles behind him once and for all by joining the LIV Tour. Tiger will finally have the platform to showcase his skills while earning the kind of paycheck he deserves for carrying the sport of golf for the past three fucking decades.
Now that LIV golfers can reapply for a PGA membership, why not get the best of both worlds? Come get a whiff of that sweet double dip by grabbing some naughty, filthy money from the LIV and still qualify for all those wholesome PGA events. Way to go Tiger, get that bag! You’ve earned it. This is a hole-in-one for golf as a whole. That’s a lot of holes.
Billy Horschel Eats Crow
From time to time, everybody eventually eats some crow. Guess what, Billy? Your time is up and dinner is served. But hey buddy, look on the bright side, it’s not all bad. You can finish chewing that crow and swallowing the final bite in time to sign your new LIV deal.
Welcome to the big leagues, Billy the Kidd, you finally fucking made it. What are you going to buy first? A new publicist? You’re welcome for that free advice, Billy.
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Donald Trump Still Curious About Putters
A lot can change in only a few short years. Just look at former President Donald Trump, for example. Now here’s a man with absolutely nothing to do these days. Despite how polarizing he can be, you can’t help but feel kinda sorry for the guy.
Set to turn 77 on June 14, President Trump also happens to be in his golfing prime. He has so much time on his hands lately, he couldn’t help but chime in on the LIV-PGA merger.
“GREAT NEWS FROM LIV GOLF. A BIG, BEAUTIFUL, AND GLAMOROUS DEAL FOR THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF GOLF. CONGRATS TO ALL!!!”
Donald Trump, screaming through the keyboard with the Caps Lock button on
Trump couldn’t wait to take to his social media like a schoolgirl and let everyone know how he felt about the “glamorous” deal. Brimming with excitement, this makes us wonder if he wants a piece of the sweet action. This is similar to another time when he was thinking about making a switch:
“It’s like in golf… A lot of people – I don’t want this to sound trivial – but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive… it’s weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can’t sink three-footers anymore. And, I hate it. I am a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.”
Donald Trump, New York Times, 1/5/11
That sounds like a guy who wants in, but he’s not sure if he has an invitation. He’s clearly very into golf and he’s kinda curious about these really long putters. In the past, they haven’t really done it for him since he sees himself as a traditionalist.
However, the Don clearly wants to be a great player and he knows he’s going to have to use these really long putters eventually because it’s what the greats use. He wants to be one of the greats. It’s all right there in the quote.
Trump also is a very savvy negotiator, he is probably just using this “will I or won’t I” technique to squeeze more money out of the Saudis. After he picks his bag up from the LIV, he can laugh all the way to the course where he is only going to boost the popularity of the brand with his viral takes on pretty much everything under the sun.
Well, there you have it, losers. Fuck off if you don’t like it, besides, it’s not your fault. Don’s brash takes and magnetizing personality are exactly what the LIV needs to take the brand global. This is a win-win and maybe it will give the Don something else to focus on right now.
Caitlyn Jenner Makes America Great Again
A true All-American hero and a fiery competitor who would stop at nothing to achieve their dreams. Absolutely nothing was impossible for this athletic freak. A former college football player at Graceland, Jenner was always willing to drop everything for the team. He dominated nearly every sport, setting world records by going balls out in the Olympics, crushing the pole vault, and several other gay events.
To this day, some still say Bruce Jenner is the greatest athlete in the world. Alright, well, time to fucking prove it. Now Caitlyn Jenner, the Male Athlete of the Year in 1976, won’t ever be more ready than she is right fucking now at the ripe age of 73. It’s time to shine, girl.
LIV Golf Gets the Starpower It Desperately Needs
As if golf couldn’t get any fucking easier. This is a no-brainer, folks. LIV gives you more money while making you work less. Check it out, LIV only plays lightning-quick three-round tournaments instead of the excessively long four-round format of the old PGA.
On top of that, there are far fewer tournaments on the LIV schedule each year compared to the demanding PGA Tour that everybody is kind of sick of at this point. Fuck the PGA. That’s what Phil Mickelson did and he’s doing just fine.
Meanwhile, Chase Koepka is making so much money from LIV that he doesn’t have a single care in the world anymore. He is so stress-free now that he was able to nail this hole in one. Impressive.
That’s how accepting LIV money can change your life and take your golfing game to the next fucking level. If Chase Koepka can do it, anybody can. Nobody’s ever fucking heard of this guy before and now he has more money than you. A lot more. Why? Because the LIV is extremely generous.
So, there you have it, Caitlyn Jenner and Donald Trump, if you join the LIV, you will make enough money to become relevant again, and who knows? Maybe you’ll even sink a hole in one. Remember those?
If you really think about it, the LIV is all about second chances, just like America. At one time, both Trump and Jenner knew what it felt like to be on top of the world. With LIV, they won’t even need blow to get back on top. That’s pretty dope.
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