The Indianapolis Colts have the third-worst Super Bowl odds this season, and it’s fuckin’ bullshit. The entire world is sleeping on the Colts, and I’m here to set the record straight.
Yeah, I realize the Colts haven’t won the Super Bowl since 2007. Fans know they haven’t won more than one playoff game since 2014. Sure, the last time we saw the Colts, they couldn’t even muster five wins. Last year, Jeff Saturday was more interested in tanking for Anthony Richardson while allowing the greatest comeback in football history, but that only sets up a more inspiring tale for Shane Steichen and Co. in 2023.
I won’t spend any time dwelling on the somber notes. Let’s cut to the chase. I’m not afraid to tell you what no one else has the cojones to say. The Indianapolis Colts are winning Super Bowl 58. Here’s why.
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Jim Irsay Doesn’t Make Mistakes
I’ve had a close watch on Jim Irsay’s moves since Peyton Manning was the sheriff, before Captain Andrew Luck roamed these valleys. I remember Irsay discarding Manning to the trash pile as if he were the next Jim Sorgi. After seeing how well that worked out, it’s safe to say Mr. Irsay never makes mistakes.
From jumping to a quick conclusion by firing Frank Reich after nine games only to hire the most inexperienced head coach in NFL history, Irsay’s moves are always extremely well thought out.
Like with Luck. The Colts knew by not giving the guy a clean pocket, he’d retire early, setting them on a path for destruction. Now, they have the most exciting QB prospect we’ve seen since. It was the perfect recipe. Once again, Irsay hatched a genius plan, and it’s only now beginning to pay off, but he had plenty of skeptics along the way.
Like when he brought in a near-MVP in Carson Wentz before adding a real MVP in Matt Ryan. These are prestigious QBs who helped bring this once-great franchise back to life. But the fans couldn’t see it.
Then we have the whole Jonathan Taylor debacle. Instead of paying the All-Pro running back, Irsay would rather have Taylor spend an entire year upset, leaving the talented star unwilling to give his all to an organization that only cares about his production. Irsay insists the team won’t part with Taylor but then allows the RB to seek a trade only weeks later.
None of it makes any sense right now. Not to your amateur football mind. But then again, you’re not on the same wavelengths as Mr. Irsay. He’s out here crushing life, playing 3D chess. You can’t even find the checkerboard. This is an organization that couldn’t be operated any better. If you can’t see that, you must be a hater.
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Anthony Richardson Is Otherworldly
Rookie quarterbacks have never won a Super Bowl. Not Johnny Unitas, Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Patrick Mahomes, no one. But Anthony Richardson has what it takes to make history. He’s Mahomes combined with Lamar Jackson and Cam Newton, boasting the arm strength to throw a strawberry through a battleship, the speed to run with even the fastest Colt on the track, and the power to run through any obstacle in his path.
First, it was Unitas, then came Manning. Now, a new Colt has been born. His name? Anthony Richardson. What more evidence does one need?
The only thing that can get in the way of a Colts Super Bowl win this season is if the unicorn gets hurt. But even then, once Minshew Mania takes over, we’ll ride that mustache to victory.
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Harvey Ballbanger loves to shoot the shit. If he were bigger, he’d probably be a baller. Hell, if he hadn’t gotten a wing clipped, he’d be Ballbangin’ for the NFL right now, messing around with triple-doubles in his downtime in the NBA. But that isn’t the case. Instead, Ballbanger’s letting it all hang out, delivering fresh piles, from one throne to another.
