The Arizona Cardinals have existed, in some form, since 1920. But they’ve never won a Super Bowl. Sure, they managed to lose one back in 2008, but who cares about the past? Life is all about the future. Using my birds-eye view, I see a Cardinals Super Bowl win coming at the end of the 2023-24 NFL season.
Steve Keim is no longer working the roster into a drunken stupor, and Kliff Kingsbury isn’t coaching this team anymore. It’s all uphill from here, with zero setbacks holding this franchise back.
Once generational talent Kyler Murray returns to the field after having offseason leg-lengthening surgery, we’ll see a completely different quarterback under center. He’ll be able to go from one end of the field to the other by leaping defenders in a single bound.
No longer held back by a muddy pocket and blurred vision lanes, K1 will let his freak flag fly, uncorking deep bombs downfield that would make Uncle Rico jealous.
It’s hard to imagine how a team who allowed the second-most points in the NFL can’t drastically improve after hiring the coach who led the league’s best passing defense. Unlike Kingsbury, who the Cardinals drafted right out of college (another drunk move by Keim), Jonathan Gannon can actually coach.
If James Conner can terminate cancer, you don’t think he can’t tell opponents, “Hasta la vista, baby,” on his way to the end zone too? Once Deuce McBrides reaches paydirt, the only question he’ll be asking defenders is, “Who’s your daddy?”
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A reinforced offensive line, along with more No. 1 receivers than this coaching staff likely knows what to do with, should lighten the feathers of all members in the Bird Gang.
Betting odds have the Cardinals as the clear favorites this year. This is a bit surprising, considering Murray’s lengthening surgery will wipe the little tucker out for the start of the season, but if you’re able to erase all biases and look objectively, how could you not like Arizona’s chances?
Fans have been overlooking this team for too long, but true members of the Red Sea know what the eye test shows. With State Farm Stadium serving as the host in February, there’s just no way the Cardinals don’t become the third franchise in NFL history to win a Super Bowl at home. Good luck finding any holes in this plot.
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Harvey Ballbanger loves to shoot the shit. If he were bigger, he’d probably be a baller. Hell, if he hadn’t gotten a wing clipped, he’d be Ballbangin’ for the NFL right now, messing around with triple-doubles in his downtime in the NBA. But that isn’t the case. Instead, Ballbanger’s letting it all hang out, delivering fresh piles, from one throne to another.
