Madison Square Garden has never witnessed a true winner walk through those doors. Without one of these trades, they may never see one, especially if they continue to ignore our well-thought-out free agency recommendations. That’s the sad reality, and New York Knicks fans know it all too well.
But we won’t harp on the fact that, historically, the New York Knickerbockers are losers, with a career win rate below .500. We’re certainly not going to go on and on about how the Knicks have existed for 77 seasons yet have only won the NBA championship a measly two times. That’s a success rate of just 2.5%.
Of course, New Yorkers are the smartest, most in-touch sports fans in the entire world. I don’t need to remind them of the Knicks now having gone 50 consecutive years without winning a goddamned thing.
It’s clear the Knicks don’t know what they’re doing when building a basketball team. They’re a developmental squad fit for the G League more than belonging with winners in the NBA. The Knicks are the Flint City Tropics. Hands down.
Players around the association view the Knicks as a stepping stone, where players do a stint in New York, then go on to win a championship not long after, as DeAndre Jordan just did in Denver. No one actually takes the Knicks seriously. We certainly don’t and you shouldn’t either.
That’s why it’s so important for the Knicks to land one, just one, of these five players this summer. Let us know if you agree. Like the Knicks, we love nothing more than to hear from our passionate fanbase.
Lebron James Takes His Talent to The Big Apple
There was a time when LeBron James took his talent to South Beach. In doing so, he led the Miami Heat to the finals all four seasons, winning the Larry O’Brien Trophy twice.
It’s time to invite The Chosen One to take a bite out of The Big Apple. He might be the only one who can break this ugly Patrick Ewing curse bestowed upon the team.
It’s not like we have to go into detail about how the Knicks haven’t been able to get back to even the Eastern Conference Finals since Ewing was blasphemously traded from the team back in Y2K. LeBron can LeLift the curse.
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Stephen Curry Gets Madison Square Garden Wet
We don’t really have to explain why adding the original Splash Brother makes sense. If the Knicks could pull off a trade for Steph Curry, anyone within the first 12 rows of MSG would officially be in the splash zone. All season long, baby. Better bring your goggles Knicks fans.
He’s already comfortable here, breaking the NBA’s all-time three-point scoring record in 2021. It was really nice to see a professional come through and try to show the local developmental team how it’s done. Unfortunately, Chef Curry’s guidance went over the Knicks’ heads, and the effort was entirely wasted.
But imagine if the four-time NBA champion (that’s twice as many as the entire Knicks team) could become the first person in league history who didn’t completely disappoint Tom Thibodeau? Knicks fans would remember that for life, even more so than being complete losers.
Joel Embiid Trolls New York State
No one likes a troll. But somehow, Joel Embiid convinced voters to hand him an MVP trophy for the first time in his career. We’re still trying to figure it out too.
But after ball-hogging his way to a league-leading 33.1 points per game with the Philadelphia 76ers, he got Doc Rivers fired. This was a former NBA Coach of the Year who won a championship. Imagine what Embiid could do with coach Thibs? That alone should entice some Knicks fans to push their chips all in on an Embiid trade.
A player who hasn’t topped 68 appearances in his career, Embiid’s dedication would reflect a work ethic New Yorkers have never even heard of. Certainly, one that rivals George Costanza’s finest work.
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Aaron Rodgers Shows New Yorkers What It Feels Like To Win
This locker room needs to loosen up a bit, no? Has anyone ever managed to make coach Thibs smile? He’s more known for getting technical fouls for asking his players what the fuck is wrong with them than expressing a momentary lapse of joy.
But Aaron Rodgers? He’s having the fucking time of his life, going on offseason adventures down the goddamned Yellow Brick Road, connecting on an interdimensional level with the mushroom man. Doesn’t that sound like more fun than whatever the fuck the Knicks do in the offseason?
Rodgers could go on the world’s largest psychedelic trip and still fall ass-backward into a championship. The 4x MVP is that good. It’s time someone, anyone, shows New Yorkers what a small victory feels like again, and Rodgers could be that man. He even already has the home crowd on his side. This one makes too much sense not to happen.
Aaron Judge Exchanges His Pinstripes for Knicks Blues
Perhaps the biggest sleeper on the list, a sleeping giant if you will, is the 6-foot-7 New York Yankees slugger himself. Aaron Judge was clearly open to a change of scenery, shopping his services to the highest bidder just a few months ago. Sure, he wound up back with the Yankees, but did the Knicks even try?
It’s time to bury the Knicks’ past mistakes and give their cross-town rivals a call. We’d present a trade package built around a lowlife player to be named later and maybe some aging ‘prospect’ stashed away in the Euro leagues.
Besides, if the Yankees aren’t going to try and win any championships either, let’s at least see what Judge can do for the Knicks. They could really use a home run hitter.
If the Knicks somehow embarrassingly can’t find a way to pull off any of these trades, the whole front office will have to be fired. But if James Dolan could fire himself, that would be much more appropriate because this whole situation is beyond fucked.
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Harvey Ballbanger loves to shoot the shit. If he were bigger, he’d probably be a baller. Hell, if he hadn’t gotten a wing clipped, he’d be Ballbangin’ for the NFL right now, messing around with triple-doubles in his downtime in the NBA. But that isn’t the case. Instead, Ballbanger’s letting it all hang out, delivering fresh piles, from one throne to another.
