At this point, we all know who Patrick Mahomes is, right? The guy who Netflix made famous after featuring him as the sidekick to Kirk Cousins on the Quarterback series? Yeah, you remember now, he looks like Trey Lance and sounds kinda froggish? Yeah, that’s him. 

When you’re a badass dude like Patrick Mahomes, one would think there’s nothing in this world you can’t face head-on. He’s already managed to become the greatest quarterback in NFL history despite having to overcome dealing with a douchebag brother for nearly his entire life. 

Believe me, I know what that’s like, and it’s not fun. 

But Mahomes at least has a cannon for an arm, which he uses to dominate the football landscape, and he could easily step in and play baseball if he wanted, too. The rest of us don’t have these options. 

Some might think that with Andy Reid carrying him to two Super Bowl rings and the QB managing to earn one by marriage, there is nothing Mahomes is afraid of in this life. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. 

If there’s one major takeaway everyone realized after watching the Netflix Quarterback special, it’s that Mahomes is a complete pussy, dawg. 

Looking for funny fantasy football names for the Kansas City Chiefs?

We tip our caps to Omaha Productions. Unlike with Kirk Cousins, Papa Peyton did his best to try and keep Mahomes from facing any kind of criticism on camera. Unfortunately, that didn’t work for the Kansas City Chiefs quarterback. At all.

Our keen eyes and ears picked up on the not-so-subtle hints that Mahomes is completely and entirely afraid of every single NFL defender he faces. He doesn’t even want them getting close to him. It doesn’t matter how big, quick, or strong they’ve proven to be. In Mahomes’ eyes, they’re all out to get him. 

In fact, he even coined a term for these destructive peasants. He calls them “Big Dawgs.” Yeah, we’re not crazy about the name either, but they leave Mahomes scared shitless.

That’s the thing. He isn’t just frightened of NFL defenders, Mahomes is even terrified of those still in college. Despite his best attempts to buddy up to his opponents, it just hasn’t worked out yet for the rapidly declining QB. Chances are, it never will. 

Instead, Mahomes can frequently be seen running for his life, playing football like a child who’s scared to get hit for the first time. That’s obvious to anyone who’s had to witness Mahomes lamely attempt to get rid of the ball right before he’s smeared into the turf, even if that means throwing like a girl. 

If there’s one thing we can all agree on, like his dad, Mahomes would have been much better off had he just stuck to baseball instead of ever fumbling around with a pigskin. That’s never been more clear than it is right now.

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Harvey Ballbanger

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Harvey Ballbanger loves to shoot the shit. If he were bigger, he’d probably be a baller. Hell, if he hadn’t gotten a wing clipped, he’d be Ballbangin’ for the NFL right now, messing around with triple-doubles in his downtime in the NBA. But that isn’t the case. Instead, Ballbanger’s letting it all hang out, delivering fresh piles, from one throne to another.

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