There can only be one winner. This year, it was the Denver Nuggets, but now even the defending champions face massive challenges heading into NBA free agency.
For teams who didn’t make a splash in the NBA draft or via trade, the free agent market is the next best option. This year’s crop of talent includes a lot of key players, like James Harden and Kyrie Irving. But there’s a wide collection of athletes who have largely snuck under the radar and can help win an NBA championship next season.
Here is one realistic NBA free agency signing every team needs to make this summer. Is there a name we missed? Or perhaps a player who you feel is a better fit for your favorite team? Let us know in the comment section below.
Atlanta Hawks
- D’Angelo Russell
A two-time All-Star, at this point, Trae Young’s name is much bigger than his game. A player whose trick shots are more apt for a practice gym than the hardwood isn’t going to win an NBA championship, and it’s time for the Hawks to publicly acknowledge it. They’ve made a mistake by handing the keys to a dude who doesn’t play a lick of defense or even crack 165 pounds.
By adding D’Lo, the Hawks get an All-Star who can easily replace Young’s production for a fraction of the cost. They can then trade Trae Young for Giannis Antetokounmpo to help balance out the roster as they usher in a new rebuilding effort.
Boston Celtics
- Earvin Johnson
Let’s face it. The Celtics are going to be hungover for a while. Not the “good” kind of hangover like you get after an epic party either. These leprechauns haven’t found their pot of gold since KG was in town back in 2008. To put it bluntly, they’re reeking of desperation like a tipsy barfly at closing time.
For starters, they traded their bread and butter, Marcus Smart, for some oversized Kris Kringle. After trading Smart, the Celtics don’t really seem to have a plan in place at point guard moving forward. Considering PG is one of the most important positions in the NBA, the C’s need to make a big splash, fast.
They should take a look at former Michigan State standout Earvin Johnson. At 6-foot-9, Johnson has the length to play almost any position on the floor. There might be some rumblings regarding whether Earvin has lost a step or two, but all concerns will be put to rest if he can still put the magic touch on the basketball. Who knows, he might even be able to bring the locker room back together.
Brooklyn Nets
- Tank Time
The Nets have been mismanaging their cap situation so badly that they traded all their big-name stars away and they’re still in luxury tax hell. As a result, the best thing the Nets could do in free agency is absolutely nothing. They literally can’t afford to do shit. Maybe tank?
Charlotte Hornets
- Victor Wembanyama
The Hornets really blew it big time by not landing the first overall pick in the 2023 NBA Draft Lottery. Nobody is quite sure what they were thinking there. Whatever the Spurs did to land the number one pick is exactly what the Hornets should have done. Their best bet now is to find a time machine and make things right. Go get Wemby.
Chicago Bulls
- Michael Jordan
The Bulls have had a pretty tough time since MJ left town. They have tried pretty much every roster combination you could possibly think of and they haven’t won a championship since 23 laced ‘em up for Chicago. It’s time to win again. The Chicago Bulls need to break the NBA by signing the biggest free agent name on the list, Michael fucking Jordan.
Cleveland Cavaliers
- Zydrunas Ilgauskas
The Cavaliers had their eye on LeBron James, but evidently, their paperwork got a bit mixed up. They had been studying the 2024 free agency class. Putting their effort into recruiting LeBron and his pals didn’t turn out so well.
On the bright side, they’ll have no trouble getting a free agent to sign, we’re just not sure how the Big Z helps anymore, as the Cavs already have a cluttered frontcourt. But it is a two-year deal, so the hope to land LeBron is still alive. Next up: Find a way to tank for Bronny James, who’s projected to be a first-round pick.
Dallas Mavericks
- Mark Cuban
Described as a businessman, film producer, investor, philanthropist, television personality, and writer, Mark Cuban is quite accomplished. Why not add NBA player to the list? Cuban seems like he works out already, so making the team shouldn’t be too difficult. He also would help ease the front office’s cap concerns, helping them focus on addressing other needs like getting Luka Dončić in shape. This feels like a no-brainer.
Denver Nuggets
- Dikembe Mutombo
Now that Nikola Jokić has officially retired, the Nuggets will need a big to continue their quest of becoming a dynasty. This is the perfect opportunity to reunite the Mile High City with some member berries of their own in Dikembe Mutombo. The finger wave will be back in action, reminding Denver fans to never forget about Dikembe.
Detroit Pistons
- Dennis Rodman
Dennis Rodman has accomplished almost everything he has ever wanted to do except for winning a championship for the team who drafted him. With Cade Cunningham and Jaden Ivey in place, the Pistons are going to need somebody to shine glass, night in and night out. The Worm will do the dirty work while teaching the youngins what it takes to win a ring. Pistons in 7 with Dennis the Menace.
Golden State Warriors
- Draymond Green
Fuck the Warriors. They deserve this. They’re due for a decline. They might as well do it together to see what the rest of the NBA had to face for years and years; an impossible path to the Larry O’Brien Trophy.
Houston Rockets
- Yao Ming
Rumor has it there is some kid in Texas who is 7-foot-5. Houston, we have a problem. It’s time to shut that noise down. Bring back the OG, Yao Ming. At 7-foot-6, Yao towers over Wemby. Get back to being the biggest team in Texas, Houston. Texans and Cowboys included.
Indiana Pacers
- Ron Artest
No one fucking respects the Indiana Pacers anymore (if they ever did). Their lack of a foothold is the biggest concern clouding over this organization. Doesn’t anyone alive today remember Malice at the Palace? We haven’t forgotten.
Can you believe they suspended Metta World Peace for a total of 86 games (that’s over a full season folks) for this dust-up? He’s come back to get what’s his, making up for lost time. We’ve even heard he’s been working on his shot.
Los Angeles Clippers
- Jamal Crawford
The Seattle native never truly ages. Sure, Jamal Crawford’s birth certificate indicates he’s 43 years old, but you can still catch him on the local playground getting buckets every single day. You can’t tell me the three-time Sixth Man of the Year wouldn’t look great coming off the bench for Ty Lue’s squad. But we can’t act like he won’t be called upon to start, knowing Paul George and Kawhi Leonard will inevitably get hurt for at least most of the season.
Los Angeles Lakers
- Jack Nicholson
Jack hasn’t missed a Lakers game since they played in Minneapolis. You’d have to wonder if he isn’t just waiting for one of the guys to say, “Hey Jack, wanna play the next round with us?” It’s gotta be on the guy’s bucket list. Plus, he’s only a year or two older than LeBron. Give ‘em hell, Jack.
Memphis Grizzlies
- Gilbert Arenas
Rumors of this one circulated in mid-June, but now it comes to fruition. The Grizzlies are interested in Gilbert Arenas for a mentorship role for Ja Morant as he tries to discover maturity for the first time in his life.
It’s unclear how much of an on-court role the now 41-year-old could play, but he’s a career 35% shooter from distance, and Morant clearly needs to work on his bricklaying. With Arenas, the Grizzlies should get away Scott Free, assuming Carson Wentz isn’t in town.
Miami Heat
- Lavar Ball
We’ve all heard the lore about how great Lavar Ball was as an athlete a million times or so. Not only did he do a stint in the NFL, Ball would have been better than Michael Jordan had he applied himself. Don’t take it from us. Take it from the Big Baller Brand ambassador himself:
“Back in my heyday, I would kill MJ one-on-one. I would just back (Jordan) in and lift him off the ground. He fouls me when I do a jump hook to the right or the left. He cannot stop me one-on-one. He better make every shot ’cause he can’t go around me. He’s not fast enough. And he can only make so many shots outside before I make every bucket under the rim.”
Lavar Ball on being able to run circles around Michael Jordan
There’s not a single player on the roster who could challenge Ball’s status as the alpha dog in Miami. His desire to compete and put it all on the line in an effort to win would be a refreshing change for the restless Heat community seeking a serious contender.
The one question we’re not sure of is how the Heat plan to fit three max-level contracts under their budget. Obviously, Ball would be one, but out of Jimmy Butler and Bam Adebayo, who’s headed out of town? Since Ball is clearly the more talented all-around player than Butler, it would appear “Jimmy Buckets” has worn out his welcome after failing to reach the promised land.
Milwaukee Bucks
- Bango
The Bucks have been telling everyone to Fear the Deer for years. It’s time to put their money where their mouth is by signing Bango the mascot to the active roster. Check it out, this John Doe can flat-out ball:
Minnesota Timberwolves
- Kevin Garnett
This one just makes too much sense not to happen. The Wolves recently signed Naz Reid to a long-term deal to put any KAT trade speculation to rest, once and for all. The three-man frontcourt rotation of Towns, Rudy Gobert, and Reid could use one more expensive body to guarantee a championship run. It’s time for 21 to slap the court and beat his chest to the roar of the Minneapolis crowd once again. Go get ‘em, Big Ticket!
New Orleans Pelicans
- Mardi Gras
It’s time to shine the nation’s collective headlights on the big easy with some good old fashioned New Orleans hospitality. This should cheer everyone up down there while distracting fans from the fact that Zion is a myth and the Pelicans won’t be winning meaningful games any time soon. Don’t forget to collect your beads on the way out.
New York Knicks
- Spike Lee
The guy’s a lifer. Why not give him the chance he’s been waiting for since he first showed up courtside at Madison Square Garden? We heard he’s been working on his game every chance he gets since the NBA introduced the 10-day contract. Lee has been pining for an opportunity since the moment he was born in Atlanta… wait what the fuck? Lee wasn’t even born in New York or Brooklyn or something? Why the fuck is he a Knicks fan?
Oklahoma City Thunder
- Jackie Moon
Oklahoma needs a little funk to go with that Thunder. Who better to bring it than Jackie Moon himself? He will turn the OKC nightlife into whatever it already is now. Plain Vanilla. That’s better than nothing. Maybe the Thunder should just change their name to the Flint City Tropics.
Do you think anyone would notice if they wore Tropics jerseys for a game? It might actually put some butts in the seats if you can sign Jackie Moon to go with it. Everybody love everybody.
Orlando Magic
- Shaquille O’Neal
Sitting in the Hall of Fame with four championship rings, The Big Aristotle accomplished everything a No. 1 pick is supposed to do. We’ve seen him star in movies and heard him drop four rap albums. But now the Diesel drives the engine of TNT’s NBA broadcasts. Yet, if there’s one big regret in his career (aside from sharing a desk with Ernie Johnson), it’s never bringing a championship to Orlando.
While he’s likely looking to sign with a contender, no one said these had to be one-year contracts. The Magic have time to get this thing right, and with Shaq on board, we like their fucking chances.
Philadelphia 76ers
- Ben Simmons
Is this guy even still in the league? He was once a great Sixer. Perhaps the two should join forces again? It couldn’t hurt. Both are trying to live up to lofty expectations, they might as well be tied to the hip at this point. They can really only go up from here.
Phoenix Suns
- Charles Barkley
Shaq gives Barkley so much shit about never getting it done at the championship level. To be honest, the Round Mound is fuckin’ tired of that bullshit. He puts an end to the criticism once and for all by helping KD, Devin Booker, and Bradley Beal win a Larry O’B. Nobody will play a lick of defense, but they won’t have to with Chuck’s ability to talk shit.
Portland Trail Blazers
- Greg Oden
As they say, there’s no better time than the present. Try and imagine a former No. 1 overall pick not being able to get a single team to sign him after just 105 career games. Having never really gotten a fair shot, the time is now for Greg Oden. The Blazers are getting the band back together, pushing all their chips in to try and get Damian Lillard a ring, and Oden can help get the job done.
Sacramento Kings
- Brittney Griner
For whatever reason, despite having superstars all across the league, the WNBA can’t get the respect it deserves. Seriously, what does this league need to do to let everyone know they’re serious and get on the map of sports fans across the globe?
It’s time to allow intramural play, like the good old days. Who better to make history than Brittney Griner? She has the size at 6-foot-9 and would be an ideal long-term fit next to Domantas Sabonis, showing him how to gain more respect in the locker room.
Plus, Griner is already bitchin’ about pay in the WNBA. Why shouldn’t she get the salary she’s earned by signing a massive contract with the Kings, who can carve out up to $35 million in cap space this summer?
San Antonio Spurs
- Tom Cruise
The Spurs already have the Iceman in their rafters. It’s time to add Pete Maverick’s helmet to the team’s legacy. If the two can learn to work together, big things are possible. Go Spurs Go!
Toronto Raptors
- Drake
This is a huge opportunity for Drake to silence the haters once and for all. If he can really start at the bottom and make it in the NBA, he will be handed the keys to the Toronto Raptors by Adam Silver personally. Sounds like a win-win. Now we here.
Utah Jazz
- Adam Silver
It’s crazy that this guy’s the commissioner of the NBA. The king of basketball, right? Yet, no one knows if Adam Silver can even hoop. Sure, he’s awkwardly tall, and Silver looks lanky, but how is his jump shot? That remains to be seen.
But the Jazz could use an advantage out there, and by getting the commish, we have a hard time believing some rules wouldn’t get bent. You think there’s a referee problem now? Just wait until you play the Jazz.
Plus, let’s get real. Silver’s getting up there. He won’t be able to do commish duties forever. He’ll have to find a life after management, and why not dip a toe in the life of an NBA pro? You can’t tell me the lavish lifestyles, sponsorships, and shoe deals don’t entice the potential next face of the league. Fuck Jerry West. Adam Silver can become the next logo. He just needs a fucking chance, baby.
Washington Wizards
- George Costanza
You really can’t fuck things up any more than the Wizards have at this point. They might as well go back to being the Washington Bullets because there’s no more hope in D.C.
What they need is a real chucker. Somebody who will brick as many shots as possible, for as many years as possible. They need to tank until the next basketball Christ lands in their lap while they have a bunch of first-overall picks at every other position.
The Washington Wizards need the best chucker in the business to complete a decade-long tank job without the NBA ever noticing. The Wizards need George Costanza. That’s it for me, gotta leave on a high note!
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Harvey Ballbanger loves to shoot the shit. If he were bigger, he’d probably be a baller. Hell, if he hadn’t gotten a wing clipped, he’d be Ballbangin’ for the NFL right now, messing around with triple-doubles in his downtime in the NBA. But that isn’t the case. Instead, Ballbanger’s letting it all hang out, delivering fresh piles, from one throne to another.
Buzz McFly hears all the latest buzz through his impressive network consisting of millions of flies swarming near every pile of shit in the entire world. When shit goes down, Buzz has eyes on the scene waiting to bask in the latest filth and dirt. Growing up an avid sports fan, his credibility in the field is second to none. He comes from a long line of spectator sporting event reporters willing to lay it all on the line for a fresh scoop of the latest news before it breaks wind anywhere else.
