Shohei Ohtani is growing up so fast. The latest sign of the Japanese superstar’s maturity includes leaving his childhood friends behind and finding a family capable of putting a ring on his finger. 

After playing six seasons on a minor-league team, Ohtani’s set to make his Major League debut with the Los Angeles Dodgers. It shouldn’t be long before the Shotime Dodgers take over MLB, much like Magic Johnson’s infectious Showtime Lakers did with the NBA.

Shohei Ohtani’s Departure Eliminates Los Angeles Angels For Good

While the Dodgers are spending the rest of the winter getting fitted for 2024 World Series rings, buried within the news of Ohtani’s promotion was the one about the Los Angeles Angels being eliminated from the playoffs for the 10th season in a row. 

For Angels fans, it’s almost not even news. The Halos are not impacted by the playoffs in any way. Just take a glance at their October schedules, and you’ll see a calendar filled with plans to cozy up on the couch with a box of wine and a steamy new romance. Anything but baseball. 

The thing is, back in 2003, Arte Moreno purchased the Angels for a cool $184 million. He hasn’t spent a dime of his own money on the team since. 

Instead, this cheap bastard found a way to ensure any additions the Angels make are all from the hard-earned cash of Angels fans. When you’re buying that glorious watered-down stadium beer that costs $13? Just know that $12 went to paying medical bills for Ohtani, Mike Trout, and Anthony Rendon.

But when it comes to talking about the playoffs, everyone around the Angels suddenly turns into Jim Mora. 

Others around the organization find it hilarious. They’d just do their little “Playoffs?” comedic bit and walk away, chuckling as they counted the hours left on their shift. Meanwhile, Ohtani, who understandably didn’t get the football reference, never found the bit very funny at all, and he finally had enough. 

It was a complete stroke of luck (or was it?), after Ohtani’s dog Dekopin bumped the power button on the TV remote. Ohtani noticed there was a group of athletes, oddly playing baseball in October. What? The season ends in September. How could this be? After all, this was always his free time. 

So, Ohtani leaned in, turned the TV up, and started paying close attention. He quickly realized this team wasn’t just your average group of beer league dads who get together and say they play for the Los Angeles Angels or whatever. This was an actual MLB team, one that calls themselves the Los Angeles Dodgers. 

Taken aback, Ohtani knocked his beer over as he scrambled around for his phone to contact his agent and said he’d be willing to pay whatever it costs to leave the minor leagues behind. 

However, when he arrived at the meeting, Ohtani was pleasantly surprised that not only did this new team already know who he was, they even had their own contract offer in mind, one that would pay him $700 million. 

But Ohtani’s no dummy. He wasn’t born yesterday, okay? Like you, he can spot a scammer when he sees one, and as soon as the Dodgers blurted out $700 million, Ohtani was ready to leave. 

After all, he’d heard this before. That’s how he got stuck playing Bad News Baseball for the past six years. But when Ohtani was headed for the door, he overheard a travel assistant saying the 2024 World Series team hotel rooms were successfully booked.

Ohtani’s ears perked up like when he talks about his dog Decoy. In desperation, Ohtani quickly turned back and offered to play for the Dodgers, essentially for free, for the next ten years. 

“PLEASE!!! You have no idea how bad it is there! They make me pitch and hit! I never get days off like Trout. They even asked me to dress up as the Rally Monkey.”

A noticeably worried Shohei Ohtani frightened about thought of returning to Angels

Of course, Ohtani was immediately sold on the idea of playing for an actual MLB team. But he still can’t wrap his mind around how a baseball team could afford to pay anyone so much money and still compete. Just like with the Angels, Ohtani’s biggest focus is on getting to the playoffs, and he’s starting to get a little worried that no one is even sweating it with the Dodgers. 

Don’t be surprised if you eventually see Ohtani offer to pitch for the Dodgers too, in time. But first, he wants to see if he can hit a home run in the Major Leagues. Six bucks and my right nut says he does it. 

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Harvey Ballbanger

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Harvey Ballbanger loves to shoot the shit. If he were bigger, he’d probably be a baller. Hell, if he hadn’t gotten a wing clipped, he’d be Ballbangin’ for the NFL right now, messing around with triple-doubles in his downtime in the NBA. But that isn’t the case. Instead, Ballbanger’s letting it all hang out, delivering fresh piles, from one throne to another.

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