The Jacksonville Jaguars are tied for being the third-youngest franchise in the NFL, so it’s understandable that they have yet to win a Super Bowl. Then again, if the Baltimore Ravens can do it, there’s no excuse for the Jaguars’ perpetual failures. As we saw back in 2014 when the Jaguars drafted Blake Bortles over Derek Carr, Aaron Donald, or Zack Martin, settling for less is just what Jacksonville does.
Yet, fans still have hope, and why shouldn’t they? Trevor Lawrence is him. Everyone always thinks Jesus is coming back. Little do they know he’s finally arrived in Duval County. But does that mean the Jags have what it takes to shag a Super Bowl? Not now, and not ever. Here’s why.
Teal Is Too Soft To Win With
One of the biggest issues plaguing the Jaguars as a franchise is their unlucky choice of team colors. The simple fact is that teal is too soft to win with. Yeah, it’s unique, it’s original, and it looks cool as hell. But there’s a reason no one else has ever won in teal.
There have been 57 Super Bowl winners, 77 NBA Finals winners, 118 World Series winners, and 105 Stanley Cup winners (mostly by America lately), yet out of 357 league titles, only one has ever been won by a team bold enough to wear teal. That team was the Florida Marlins, who mystifyingly have won two World Series trophies.
But how about that success rate? Two out of 357? If you want to continue rooting for a chance for a team to win, knowing they have just a .005 chance to win, you go right ahead, buddy, but we’ll spend our money on wiser Super Bowl bets.
Right now, we just hear loud noises to get the crowd going, trying to strike some fear in their opponents. But come on, is that even a jaguar? They’re just lame sound effects I could get at any budget movie theater.
If the Jaguars want to increase their Super Bowl odds, they need to go for the intimidation factor. Obviously teal isn’t cutting it, but what if they had a real, live jaguar on the sideline? Now we’re getting somewhere.
Instead of just having Josh Allen and Travon Walker chasing pussy QBs off the field, we could have a fierce feline flying around too. I don’t think teams would use every inch of the field knowing what potential dangers lie ahead near the sideline.
Maybe it would help if the franchise got serious, like the Panthers did, by bringing the Jaguar to life.
See? The Panthers know what they’re doing, but the Jaguars? Completely clueless. Next question.
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Shad Khan Cares More About Futbol Than Football
The truth is, Shahid Khan becoming the team owner might be the best thing that ever happened to the Jaguars. He’s a billionaire who’s proven he won’t spare any expense to feature a perfect mustache. Yet, there’s only one thing Khan’s more interested in than finding a jaguar tame enough to masterfully wax his muff buffer to the max, and that’s futbol.
It took Khan just nine seasons and nine different managers to win a championship after buying Everton F.C. Yet, here we are in Khan’s 12th full season as the Jaguars owner, and they haven’t even sniffed a conference championship, and Jacksonville’s only on their fifth head coach. The commitment level isn’t the same.
Plus, did you know Everton is a soccer club based in London? That alone should be a major red flag. Could Khan eventually own two football teams in London? Who knows what plans are bequeathed behind the 73-year-old Khan’s mustache when his son Tony takes over?
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Only Miami and Tampa Bay Can Win Super Bowls in Florida
It’s a proven fact that only Miami and Tampa Bay can win Super Bowls in Florida. Each have won two Lombardi trophies. Meanwhile, Jacksonville? Even they can count to zero.
Perhaps the only solution for the Jaguars to win a Super Bowl is by moving to London, which we already know Khan would be open to. With the Jags already set to play two games in London during the 2023 season, they’re already a quarter of the way there. Why not go all the way?
Don’t look at me. It’s not what I want, buddy. But if the Jaguars are serious about having a reason to build a trophy case, they need to make some drastic changes.
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Harvey Ballbanger loves to shoot the shit. If he were bigger, he’d probably be a baller. Hell, if he hadn’t gotten a wing clipped, he’d be Ballbangin’ for the NFL right now, messing around with triple-doubles in his downtime in the NBA. But that isn’t the case. Instead, Ballbanger’s letting it all hang out, delivering fresh piles, from one throne to another.
