If you’ve watched the NBA this season, chances are you’ve caught a glimpse of the extraterrestrial they’ve been calling “Victor Wembanyama.” It has taken over control of the San Antonio Spurs, where shape-shifting cohort Adam Silver has assigned legendary basketball mind Gregg Popovich to teach the Wembanyama how to basketball. Just look at the excitement here after demanding a jersey with all ten letters printed on the back.
You may be surprised to learn that the rules in the NBA are not the same in other galaxies. Yet, since these advanced beings are so intelligent, it hasn’t taken long for the E.T. to adapt to how Earth plays ball.
While the extraterrestrial is a quick learner, no one has even dared to think about teaching the importance of trying to win a game. At this point, everyone’s just surprised when it passes the ball to mortals in Spurs jerseys.
Offensively, the being still has some recalibrating to do. But defensively, it uses otherworldly stretchability to block multiple shots per game, not only impacting the scoreboard but also shattering the confidence of its enemy battalion.
You’d also be amazed at what this Wembanyama is doing to grow the game of basketball. Just look at this young fan rocking a clean Wemby jersey in who the fuck knows where.
We’re also seeing an increase in aliens trying to get noticed by NBA scouts, doing whatever they can to put something credible on film, but again, as you can see, there are plenty of dedicated members ready to squad up.
As they say, there are some traits that simply cannot be measured, like an athlete’s heart. You won’t find one of those tickers on this thing, but that’s what makes the cold-blooded creature so dangerous.
Nerves? They don’t exist for the alien named Wembanyama. Yet, while winning and losing escapes this poor critter, everyone in the organization feels threatened to feed it the rock because have you seen it?
But it isn’t all bad for the Spurs. Instead of having to make Wembanyama one of the NBA’s highest-paid players, they play it cool, knowing the alien feeds off blocking the shots of underlings instead.
For now, this Wembanyama alien primarily seems focused on invading the NBA. Considering all the alternatives, like having the 7-foot-4 beast harassing you at work instead, most are pretty satisfied with this outcome.
Then again, maybe Julie deserves to have her coffee blocked by Wembanyama at 8:24 on a Wednesday morning just so that bitch would finally be put in her place.
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Harvey Ballbanger loves to shoot the shit. If he were bigger, he’d probably be a baller. Hell, if he hadn’t gotten a wing clipped, he’d be Ballbangin’ for the NFL right now, messing around with triple-doubles in his downtime in the NBA. But that isn’t the case. Instead, Ballbanger’s letting it all hang out, delivering fresh piles, from one throne to another.
