Category: Sports Satire

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New York Giants Ban Player Parents From Using Social Media

Buzz McFly
New York Giants Funny Fantasy Football Names

There are a lot of teams that love to go public about their Super Bowl aspirations heading into the season every year. Looking at you, Jerry Jones. However, the New York Giants are not one of those teams. At least not this year, and historically, giving other teams bulletin board material has not been encouraged by the Big Blue franchise. 

This year’s Giants are quietly heading into the 2023 NFL season seeking to build upon the success they experienced last year. They are ready to work hard and seem to understand the sacrifices it takes to permanently climb out of the cellar of the NFL to emerge as perennial playoff contenders for the first time in over a decade.

Flies hanging around the Giants’ facilities say there is a buzz in the air they have not felt since the 2007 season. The team is eliminating outside noise while preaching accountability and avoiding distractions.

Over the offseason, the distractions have been kept to a minimum. Many Giants fans are eagerly observing the Saquon Barkley contract situation. It just would not feel right for the New York Giants to experience success in any form without Saquon. Both sides know it. 

Barkley is the special kind of player that should be part of the “once a Giant, always a Giant” reputation the franchise boasts about frequently. So is Dexter Lawrence, and the team took the right step in making it a possibility for Sexy Dexy to stick around for a while this offseason. That man is a fucking beast. Andrew Thomas, you’re next in line for a mega deal. 

The future’s looking bright for the New York Giants for the first time in a very long time. Just when everything was going smooth, an unfortunate off-field incident nearly shook the chemistry of this team apart before the season is even close to getting underway. 

While most of Giants nation celebrated the acquisition of Pro Bowl tight end Darren Waller, one reaction from within the team’s family caused an unnecessary off-field distraction for the entire organization. The franchise has kept a lot of the conversation surrounding the details private.

Flies with eyes on the situation share more details about what’s going on inside the facility. Publicly, the New York Giants aren’t saying shit. Internally? Different story.

From the top down, it’s been communicated to all the players that their parents have been banned from using social media from now on. The social media ban comes in an effort to eliminate potential off-field distractions. It seems there is always one bad apple that ruins it for everyone.

In this case, the player whose father is responsible for the social media ban is none other than promising young tight end Daniel Bellinger. It’s no secret that the New York Giants traded for star tight end Darren Waller in the offseason. Frank Bellinger, the father of Daniel, took offense to the trade, to the point where he got into a verbal altercation with The Athletic’s Tim Graham by slipping into his DMs.

Now, before Frank slips into old Buzz McFly’s DMs, it should be noted that Daniel Bellinger always had a promising future in the NFL, and he still does. Why? Because Daniel works his fucking ass off, he plays smart football, and he holds himself accountable while maintaining an extremely coachable attitude. 

Daniel has a great work ethic, and he is the prototypical definition of a locker room guy. He is also tough as nails. Daniel took a brutal shot to his eye socket that literally fractured his orbital bone against the Jacksonville Jaguars in Week 7 of the New York Giants’ 2022 season. 

The gruesome injury required surgery and resulted in Bellinger seeing double vision without having any beers for a while. Eventually, everything checked out, and Daniel only needed six weeks to get back to playing football, earning him the badass nickname Robocop. That’s one tough sonuvabitch.

It’s understandable why Frank’s pride was hurt. He’s fucking proud of his son, and he should be. His son was born to play tight end in the NFL, and he proves that over and over again, snap after snap. He made it to the big show, and he fucking belongs on the roster of the New York Giants.

However, this is the NFL in 2023. You need to have as many weapons and chess pieces on the field as you can possibly figure out how to use. It certainly doesn’t hurt to have two starting-caliber tight ends on the roster.

This is an opportunity for Daniel to learn from one of the greatest tight ends of this generation. Not to mention, Waller has a clear size, speed, and experience advantage over Daniel at this point. There is a chance this New York Giants offense could be nasty with the weapons they have surrounding Daniel Jones and Barkley. That’s only going to open more doors for Bellinger to showcase his well-rounded skillset.

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Robocop Started Weightlifting and Plays for the New York Giants

Don’t tell that to Daniel Bellinger though. He seems to have developed a WWE-sized chip on his shoulder during the offseason. His teammates must have given him a lot of shit about his dad having to defend Daniel to a reporter. Why? Because Bellinger just showed up to the New York Giants OTAs making Arnold Schwarzenegger look average.

Friends of friends are buzzing around the New York Giants’ OTAs while sensing a different vibe recently. Players seem a little more timid around Bellinger, suddenly. For starters, absolutely nobody is giving Bellinger shit about his dad anymore. In fact, nobody is giving Daniel Bellinger any kind of shit anymore.

Not even Eli Manning. As many of you know, Manning has been bored out of his mind since hitting the unemployment line a few years ago. He spends most of his time around the Giants’ facility these days, keeping every speck of dust off the two Lombardi trophies he helped the team win.

Flies who buzz around the trophies report he stops by the front desk every day to see if they have any job openings for a quarterback. Sorry Eli, word has it the scouting department has their eye on this Chad Powers kid out of Penn State to back Danny Dimes up soon.

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Jimmy Butler Isolates in Escape Room After Miami Heat Loss

Buzz McFly and Harvey Ballbanger
Jimmy Butler

All NBA teams and players handle wins and losses differently. The great ones dive into the film, maybe hit the weight room or go back to the court to work on their game. Not Jimmy Butler. At the moment, Jimmy Butler is not handling the feelings that come with being a loser with any kind of fucking poise.

After the fifth NBA Finals loss of his overrated career, Butler didn’t head back to the drawing board or gather with his teammates. In fact, he didn’t do anything that might resemble the Heat culture Pat Riley and the Miami Nose Candy have worked so sleeplessly to build. 

Strung out or not, it’s no wonder Pat’s forgotten that 42-year-old Udonis Haslem is even still on the roster. Maybe that has more to do with Riley’s age at this point.

Instead, Butler proved why he’ll never take the steps necessary to become an NBA star. According to General Soreness himself, Butler opted to head to an ‘escape room’ after letting his teammates down once again. Meanwhile, his Miami Heat teammates are the ones who have to dig deep and find their playoff balls as they feel abandoned by their fearful leader.

Just like when Jimmy was limping his way off the Minnesota Timberwolves, his teammates are the ones left to pick up the slack while attempting to carry the team to the finish line. Of course, this time Butler did not even need the scraper, Rachel Nichols, to carry out his diabolical plan of self-destruction and team chemistry implosion.

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Jimmy Butler on Downward Spiral Toward Rock Bottom

His shame grew so great that Butler was afraid to even show his face following the team’s 104-93 loss to Nikola Jokic and the Denver Nuggets. Understandably so. This deliberate avoidance of the media after a career-defining loss takes the walk of shame to a whole new level.

Unfortunately, nothing in Butler’s life is going right, as usual. Here are the has-been’s almost-too-revealing comments following Game 1:

“Played a lot of spades. Spades didn’t go too well for me yesterday, now that I think about it. I’m going to do an escape room tonight. I think my guys went and saw Spiderman today. Just doing normal stuff, because at the end of the day, I’m as normal as they come. It’s not always about basketball.”

As Butler admits, it’s not about basketball anymore for the never-will-be. It’s sad to hear him try to convince the general public he’s “as normal as they come.” It’s clear the soon-to-be former athlete has completely lost touch with who he is as of late. 

First of all, there is nothing normal about forcing your way off of every single team you have ever been on for selfish reasons. Secondly, why didn’t Jimmy Butler go with his teammates to see Spiderman? It’s become pretty clear Jimmy Butler’s teammates have grown tired of the NBA’s version of Bozo the Clown and his borderline-psychopathic antics.

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NHL Teams Ready To Secede League After Vegas Golden Knights Game 1 Victory

Buzz McFly
Viva Vegas Golden Knights

Although Sin City is lost in the sauce after celebrating the Vegas Golden Knights‘ Game 1 victory, other teams around the league have seen enough. A friend of a friend has caught wind of some serious chatter regarding the potential demise of the NHL due to the success of its two most recent expansion draft franchises; the Vegas Golden Knights and the Seattle Kraken.

The 2022 to 2023 NHL season marked the second year of existence for the Seattle Kraken. In only their second season, the Kraken managed to finish in fourth place of the Pacific Division in the Western Conference of the NHL. 

That was good enough to qualify for the playoffs. Seattle managed to upset the first overall seed in the Western Conference, the Colorado Avalanche, in the first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. 

To this day, Avalanche fans remain extremely upset about it. According to fresh piles in the Denver area, they think the league helped the Kraken advance as a marketing stunt for Seattle. To say Denver fans are fed up with Seattle would be an understatement. First Russell Wilson, now this?

In round two of the playoffs, Seattle gave the Dallas Stars a serious run for their money by pushing the series to seven games. Ultimately, the Kraken fell to the Stars for a second-round exit. 

The NHL did everything it could to help Seattle win, but a frustrated Stars fan provided the momentum shift the entire series needed to swing the pendulum back in Dallas’ favor. There is no doubt the league remains bitter about this, they wanted a Kraken versus Golden Knights showdown to promote their two newest franchises to an entire country that only cares about football and sometimes basketball.

Meanwhile, the Vegas Golden Knights are no strangers to success in the NHL. The Golden Knights of Corruption actually qualified for the Stanley Cup Finals at the end of their inaugural season in 2017 to 2018.

In fact, the Knights won 13 playoff games in 2018 on their way to the Stanley Cup Finals. To this day, that remains an NHL record for a team in their inaugural postseason run. Even though they eventually lost, several team officials, fans, and players remain sour about Vegas’ unlikely success.

On top of that, the Golden Knights qualified for the playoffs in the first four seasons of their existence. Is somebody cooking the books? Is it any coincidence the Golden Knights play in the betting mecca of the Western Hemisphere? Do the Golden Knights Templars have the Ark of the Covenant?

Perhaps some questions are better left unanswered. Rumor has it, a lot of problems wind up buried in the Las Vegas desert. You might not want to poke the bear on this one lest ye seek the same misfortune. That’s not enough to scare some fans away from speaking out against this injustice though.

Florida Man, seen shirtless with a beer helmet hugging his mullet and two more adult beverages in each hand, chimed in on the situation, “Listen, y’all, we ain’t beat the Boston Blue Balls or whatever the fuck their name is, just to be taken out by douchebags dressed in knight’s armor that couldn’t even stop a fuckin’ gator! See, this is why I watch football, y’all. Go Tim fuckin’ Tebow!”

For the record, Florida Man is referring to the Boston Bruins. Speaking of the Bruins, fans are livid about the team’s disappointing early exit from the playoffs. 

The Boston Bruins finished the season with an NHL-best and current regular season record of 135 points. In fact, the Bruins set another NHL record with 65 wins. That always comes with high expectations, but they ultimately lost to the Florida Panthers in the NHL Eastern Conference Finals. 

There’s no doubt many Bruins fans are still feeling blindsided and on a bender while they try to figure out what channel the Bruins game is on each night. They make it through two bottles of Jameson and pass out with the remote in their hands while surfing for the game every single night.

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Potential NHL Scandal Could Destroy League

A very small handful of Boston fans decided to sober up for a day and are beginning to see what’s really going on. They suspect there was a league-wide agenda to keep the Bruins out of the Finals so the Vegas Golden Knights could defy all odds and win the Stanley Cup for the first time ever.

Harvey Ballbanger has some friends in the area who report a planned ‘Boston Flee Party’ demonstration as they strategize about how the Bruins can exit the NHL due to the ineptitude of the league. They are threatening to secede unless the league awards the Stanley Cup to the Bruins for the 2022-23 campaign.

Meanwhile, Minnesota Wild head coach Dean Evason and GM Bill Guerin are wiping the sweat off their brow over a bottle of potato vodka and some tater tot hotdish tonight. They really dodged a bullet with yet another cop-out to avoid taking responsibility for the team’s lackluster performance this season. 

Good for them. It’s becoming painfully obvious that the chips are stacked against their favor, with the league handing keys to the Stanley Cup Finals to Las Vegas as much as possible. Coupled with the classic “hogtied by the Ryan Suter and Zach Parise contracts” excuse, it looks like Evason and Guerin avoid the chopping block yet again.

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4 Awesome Arizona Coyotes Relocation Ideas

Harvey Ballbanger
Arizona Coyotes

Finally, the NHL is coming to its senses by realizing the Arizona Coyotes just aren’t working out. With only one playoff appearance spanning nine seasons in Glendale, the fans are fucking fed up. 

The Montreal Canadiens, a team no one really likes, led the NHL in attendance, averaging 21,078 spectators per game in 2023. Meanwhile, the Coyotes, arguably one of the most badass teams in the league, averaged just 4,600 fans per game. 

Are you fucking kidding me? Do Canadians not have anything better to do where they flock to hockey games at over four times the rate of the retirement home community in Arizona? 

Do fans seriously just forget when the game starts? 

Does it interfere with their afternoon nap?

Is it too fucking cold in the arena for the Arizona heat?

Does anyone even know hockey is trying to be played in Arizona for 41 games for some fucking reason, each and every goddamned year? What the fuck…

Anyway, the NHL is seriously contemplating stripping down the Coyotes and selling the franchise for parts to any other city willing to be dumb enough to take on this fucking mess. But which Arizona Coyotes relocation destinations make the most sense? Here are the no-brainers that couldn’t possibly fail. 

Arizona Coyotes Head to Phoenix

Operating out of Glendale, it’s clear location has become a big problem for the Coyotes. But whose fucking idea was this in the first place? Seriously, Glendale? Of course, no one will go to goddamned Glendale. It sounds like a creepy uncle who no one dares get too close to, and it’s become clear that’s how the rest of the hockey community views things too. Glendale? For fuck’s sake.

Instead of playing in goddamned Glendale, which has a population of roughly 250,000, where nearly 20% of the population (aged 45-64) would rather be playing golf with Bob Myers or going shopping for antiques, has anyone ever thought of, you know, playing in Phoenix?

So, Phoenix is this place that is actually located in Arizona too. And, unlike fucking Glendale, Phoenix has a population of over 1.6 million. Did anyone think, maybe, the Coyotes would have better luck playing where people actually are? Obviously, this genius idea is too bright for the NHL to have ever considered it. But no, let’s play ice hockey in fucking Glendale, Arizona. A fucking ghost town.

Fans Get Something To Do in Salt Lake City

If Phoenix is just too goddamned smart for NHL commissioner Gary Bettman to even consider, how about Salt Lake City, Utah? This is an area where people are desperate. They NEED something to do. 

We know there are far better activities than getting shitfaced drunk and going to a local hockey game (actually, this sounds like a blast). Oh fuck. That’s right. Is it even legal to drink in Utah? OK, next idea.

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Tom Brady’s Last Pass? Not Another Comeback Story

Buzz McFly
Tom Brady's Last Pass? Not Another Comeback Story

What is it with you humans and golf courses? Seriously, you treat the land of 18 holes like it’s such a leisurely place but it’s actually really dangerous. For Pete’s sake.

Little known fact, Pete was a fly. True story. He used to deliver two scoops from the fresh pile every day before one of you bipedal fucks killed him with a fucking fly ball. Imagine the irony. Rest in Pete, buddy. For Pete’s sake.

In other sports news, yet another victim was physically assaulted by a celebrity who’s probably going to get away with it, Scott Free. That was the victim’s name, Scott Free. He was a cousin of Harvey Ballbanger here at A Fly On The Ball. Scott is currently in critical condition after Tom Brady violently attacked him at the golf course.

Scott was just trying to get the latest scoop from the freshest pile regarding whether we’ve seen Tom Brady’s last pass or not. There has been so much talk and speculation about whether Tommy Twelve is really hanging them up for good or if he’s going to lace them up one last time.

It seems to be getting on Tom’s nerves a bit. Everywhere you look, another headline reads, “Is Tom Brady Coming Out of Retirement?” Tommy can’t even enjoy a peaceful fucking day at the golf course anymore. That’s a quote, or at least that’s what other flies think they heard Tommy say before the splat happened. For Pete’s sake.

Wherever Tom goes, people recognize him. Unfortunately for Tom Brady, so do flies. Reliable eyewitnesses in the fly community saw Tom Brady take several swings at an innocent bystander, violently. The victim, a sports-crazed and self-described Tom Brady superfan, is a 15-day-old innocent fucking housefly who was in the prime of his life.

Other buzzworthy eyewitnesses say Scott was just minding his own business while being awestruck by the sight of Tom Brady at his local country club. Brady allegedly pulled a Microsoft Surface Pro out of his golf cart, saw something, and became very irritable with the flick of a switch.

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Tom Brady Swings Violently At Innocent Bystander

At the same time Tom was checking his tablet, Scott Free, an innocent flystander, was buzzing closer to Brady while trying to catch a glimpse of the screen. This is when Tom began swinging violently at Scott, several times.

Multiple eyewitnesses at the scene saw Scott get knocked unconscious by Tom’s bare hand while using a backslapping motion. Lipreaders report they saw him say, “Take that, bitch!” Scott fell to the turf, instantly. Then, there was a lot of commotion as Tom threw his Microsoft Surface Pro. 

The tablet eventually landed on top of the knocked-out victim. One unconscious fly and a broken tablet screen with a headline displaying, “Tom Brady would ‘love nothing more’ than to return to the NFL”  were all that remained at the scene. 

The victim had to be airlifted to the nearest emergency trauma center. Authorities are still on the lookout for the suspect. 

Eyewitnesses saw a man wearing a Tom Brady jersey fleeing the scene in an Aston Martin golf cart. As the golf cart driver was flashing his middle finger to onlooking gawkers, he proceeded to do a string of donuts that carved the number 12 in the putting green of hole eight. 

Several eyewitnesses were able to count seven extremely gaudy rings on both of the suspect’s hands. For what it’s worth, there was also a bag of footballs in the back of the golf cart with the words “Perfect Balls” written in permanent marker on the cloth fabric.

Reports are unclear at this time but it’s been confirmed that Scott Free’s wings have been clipped for good. Sadly, he’ll never fly again. Have a drink for Scott next time you go wheels up. Poor buddy has been grounded for life, bro. Rest in pieces, Scott.

Seriously, what more do you need? Suspect? This publication might be legally obligated to say “suspect” when mentioning eyewitness accounts, but come on already. This guy is fucking guilty! Tommy got fingered! Fine though, in an effort to leave personal bias at the flytrap, it’s time to deliver the latest sports news with the twist of a steamy fresh pile.

Regarding Tom Brady’s coming out of retirement talk, there’s been a lot of empty steam coming from fresh piles all over the country. Some flies out there are just as manipulative and deceptive as the 1919 Chicago White Sox. You just can’t trust them.

For example, there is a certain group of flies who frequent South Beach claiming they can smell steam gathering for a Tom Brady unretirement party with the Miami Dolphins. Really? As a minority owner of the Las Vegas Raiders, how would that work? Dumbasses.

Meanwhile, should Jimmy Garoppolo be looking over his shoulder in Vegas? It wouldn’t be the first time Tommy ran Jimmy out of town and as everyone knows, America loves a great Tom Brady comeback story.

Well, don’t place your bets just yet. If his recent divorce is any indicator, Tom Brady might not be good at commitment. It’s probably the only thing Tom doesn’t knock out of the park, besides porn auditions that is. For Pete’s sake, Tom. Put some fucking clothes on.

Believe it or not, his well-publicized side hustle as an aspiring but aging adult film amateur doesn’t appear to matter to some fanbases. Many fans insist their team is ready to make a commitment to the 45-year-old, avocado ice cream eating goat.

Perhaps Tom Brady gets so frustrated about the speculation because he wants to play but he just doesn’t have it anymore. Before Scott ended up in the ER, he was working on this story:

“It’s late Sunday afternoon but this isn’t just another spiritual or religious gathering on the Lord’s Day. No. This is a transcendent experience. This is a conversion. From this day forward, your new idol will throw a laced oval-shaped leather ball because for the first time in your life, you are going to witness greatness.

For Tom Brady, playing on a late Sunday afternoon in February is nothing new. It’s the norm. Except, something feels off this particular Sunday afternoon in February. There’s a bitter chill in the air and everyone can feel it. 

Everyone except Tom Brady. He has ice in his fucking balls. He’s ready for the big game. He’s always ready for the big game.

It’s Sunday, February 12, 2023. The clock reads 6:30 p.m. Eastern. The stadium is full of roaring fans and plenty of them have had more than their fair share of a few adult beverages. Who could blame them? It’s fucking Super Bowl Sunday!

It’s almost time for kickoff and players are waiting to emerge from the tunnels, hopefully ready to play the game of their life. It’s now or never. Guts or glory. Stragglers must be left behind. You must leave it all on the field or face the utterly crushing disappointment of your coach and teammates.

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Kirk Cousins Working On Rap Album Titled ‘You Like That’

Harvey Ballbanger
Kirk Cousins, Kirk Cousins rap album

If there’s one athlete no one wants to hear a rap album from, it’s Kirk Cousins, quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings. Yet, sometimes the world has a way of giving us what we want the least. 

The next Spotify artist to pop up on your Release Radar is an up-and-comer out of Barrington, Illinois, who also shouts out Holland, Michigan. But his latest musical inspiration comes from another area up north. 

The artist in question specializes in hip hop, and his moniker is Kirko Chainz, but most know him as Kirk Cousins, starting QB of the Minnesota Vikings. Buzz from the music studio suggests Cousins is working on a rap album, which will be the first of his career.

Kirk Cousins’ Rap Album Tracklist Revealed

The tracklist, which is a work in progress due to musicians being hard at work, deep into their creative process, lost in the sauce, fried off the finest indicas, enhanced by the wildest psychedelics recommended by Aaron Rodgers’ guy, includes a few notable gems.

One that will stick out to football fans is conveniently track No. 14. We’re unsure how many songs the album will have, but this one specifically said it was track No. 14. This could be a coincidence, but the song is titled “Snitch Bitch.”

Of course, Stefon Diggs, Cousins’ former teammate who wanted a trade from the Vikings, wears No. 14. One ballbanger who caught a few notes breezing in the wind overhead Cousins rapping the words “Traded you to Buffalo once you became a whiny bitch. Everyone knows 18 would never turn snitch.” Cousins can even be seen doing the Griddy during the music video while rapping the words. 

Looking for funny Minnesota Vikings fantasy football team names?

Cousins, who likely winces at each swear word heard on the music waves, wasn’t afraid to let the f-bombs fly when his alter ego Kirko Chainz takes over in the booth, bringing out a new side few have gotten a glimpse of.

For those who managed to stay with the rollercoaster season that saw the Vikings play 12 one-score games in 2023, there was no cockier figure than Cousins. He’d start the season by getting a brand-new whip, and the previously dormant devout Christian suddenly had a new off-field persona, where he’d be seen strutting around the team plane with his shirt off, even wearing other athletes’ lavish thousand-dollar chains around his neck.

As far as we know, making rap music is yet another new territory for the soon-to-be 35-year-old QB. Who knows? The four-time Pro Bowler is headed into the final year of his contract with the Vikings. It’s possible that Cousins, widely regarded as one of the most financially wise players in pro sports history, could be thinking about life after football.

Craving more Ballbangers? – Kirk Cousins Rap Album Leaks Vikings Diss Tracks

As we’ve seen far too many times than we’d like to admit, life comes at you fast. Even one of the NFL’s trendsetters doesn’t know when his health will force him into retirement. 

He can plan to play as long as he wants, but if teams don’t come calling when free agency arrives, Cousins will have no choice but to hang up his cleats. This will lead him down a natural path toward picking up the microphone to spit more bars and inevitably clap the cheeks. Once the rap game gets a taste of his talent, the Kirko Chainz fans will demand more content. We’ve never been more sure of anything in our lives.

Will you be getting Kirk Cousins’ rap album, titled You Like That By Kirko Chainz, when it arrives on streaming devices? We won’t be able to resist finding out what other beef may be revealed or which brand of jeans he prefers.

More Minnesota Vikings Sports Satire – 3 Reasons Why the Minnesota Vikings Will Never Win a Super Bowl

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LeBron James Absolutely Prefers Watching NBA Finals Over Competing at 38 Years Old

Harvey Ballbanger
LeBron James, NBA Finals

For the tenth time in his career, LeBron James has chosen not to participate in the NBA Finals. With four championship rings sitting at home, you won’t hear even a buzz of the 19-time All-Star being interested in another NBA title run any time soon.

After the Los Angeles Lakers’ 58th failure to win an NBA championship, the complacent James is once again gleefully settling back into his imprinted couch groove, where he could be found in each of the past three years, an annual trend at this point in the former high school great’s career.

Despite the NBA’s desire for James to play on the Association’s biggest stage, evidenced by the Lakers having the highest free throw differential in 2023, this is a player-driven league. The Lakers have enough titles, and James isn’t in it for the accolades. He’s made that clear several times.

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Nothing LeBron James Would Rather Do Than Watch NBA Finals

At this point, after being in the league for 20 seasons, there is nothing James would rather do than watch the NBA Finals instead of competing for a chance to win another clunky championship ring. 

After all, he’s managed to avoid having to lift the roughly 30-pound Larry O’Brien Trophy in 16-of-20 NBA seasons. Now 38 years old, that additional day of lifting takes a true toll on the wilting former Florida resident. 

Life hasn’t been entirely miserable for James since Adam Silver took over as commissioner from David Stern in 2014. Under Silver’s control, James has only had to lift the NBA Finals Trophy once. Meanwhile, James’ hand was forced three times under Stern’s narrative. 

Somehow, Silver fooled the public in 2020, sneaking everyone away to a concealed bubble and rigging the system so James had to take the trophy home one last time. But the former Cleveland Cavaliers’ No. 1 pick hadn’t forgotten his roots. 

Later, in 2023, when the Lakers would be locked into paying him $44.4 million whether James led L.A. to an NBA Finals appearance or not, LBJ finally put his foot down and made sure the Lakers wouldn’t stand a chance of advancing to the final stage by once again putting together a roster of misfits. 

The thing is, he already played 55 games during the regular season and 16 more in the playoffs. Anything more than that, and James runs the risk of nearly playing a full 82-game season. That’s just not enticing for the 2004 NBA Rookie of the Year. Where’s the incentive? 

Get the latest Buzz: Did Bob Myers Reject Golden State Warriors’ Record Offer to Focus on Golf?

James Less Grumpy When He Can Rest in June

Besides, based on several local ballbangers close to the situation, James is emotionally in a much better place when he can get his rest days at the start of June when the NBA’s best are playing for a chance at a title. 

James is a massive basketball fan, and June is when enthusiasts can tune into the biggest NBA event of the season. Who wouldn’t want to be in your element (for James, that’s at home) during one of the most-anticipated matchups of the year? That’s when the greats are at work. 

Of course, James’ early vacation is in addition to taking several millennial days off in-season, where the Akron, Ohio native has masterfully gone 19 years without playing all 82 games.

Instead of being forced to play by the league office, James gets to enjoy a few brewskis with the fellas or just get couch-locked when the edibles kick in as he sails smoothly into the evening while binge-watching something on Netflix. 

The Chosen One lives on his own terms. Jumping when he chooses, firing teammates on sight, and making trades when someone gets too close to uncovering his plot. These are the facts. 

James may return to the NBA Finals later in his career, but it won’t be by choice. He’d much rather be at home, watching the greatest athletes of our generation put it all on the line as they chase their dream, making the kind of memories true fans of the game will never be able to forget instead.

As we know, sitting out of the Finals is what he’s best at, even if he’s led some misinformed sports ‘fans’ to believe otherwise. And that’s why LeBron James is the GOAT. 

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Pop Warner Parent Bails on Son’s Football Game at Halftime After ‘Too Much Disappointment’

Harvey Ballbanger
football

Here’s one we don’t see every day on the gridiron. Somewhere, on a football field near you, a parent just bailed on his kid during a Pop Warner game. We’ll leave our judgment at the door.

As you can imagine, more details are needed. Did the parent have an emergency to get to? Maybe they’re headed to scoop up a nice, hearty post-game meal that wipes the little tiger out after such an exhausting evening. 

Nope. Those excuses would have been acceptable, perhaps even celebrated in some cases. Instead, what this father chose to do took a much different turn. He simply didn’t like what he witnessed, saw his opportunity with a bit of extra commotion at halftime, and just left. He didn’t come back and he never planned to. The coach later had to give the kid a ride back home to a very, very disappointed father. 

“Listen, he’s no Manning. You saw him out there. I’ve already sat through too much disappointment from him this season. This kid’s got no heart and he’s soft as hell. I heard one guy, near where I was sitting, tell him to stick to Legos. Between you and me, I couldn’t agree more. This kid’s got no future and you know what? I blame his mother.“

“Are you kidding me? I put in nine fucking hours of work, dealing with my asshole boss, then I have to bust my balls to get to this shitty place, night after fucking night, just to watch my son put forth no fucking effort at all?”

He insisted on continuing… “Like, what are we doing here? How did he even make the team? Who’s coaching these assholes? Pardon my language, I’m not usually like this, but this is complete bullshit. Someone has to do something, and it’s time I stand up for every parent out there without a voice. I know my kid won’t keep getting away with this. So, yeah, you know what, I left, and I’ll fucking do it again.”

Wow, well, the language is a bit much here, and for the record, Pop Warner rules regulate that there are no tryouts, and everyone makes the team. So, as bad as this clumsy creature may be at football, his dad won’t be getting his wish of his son getting cut from the team any time soon. He might have to keep toughing these horrific evenings out, “night after fucking night.”

To some, what this random father did may sound distasteful. He may not have handled some aspects well, but to others, in some ways, his act could inspire an entire nation. One that is sick and tired of sitting through pathetic performances, night after fucking night. 

What say you, is it time to start a trend of going home at halftime (or sooner if you’re stuck with a REALLY bad dud)? Chances are, you wouldn’t be the first, and you won’t be the last.

For parents who gasped when reading this, you should know there are thousands of other disappointed adults out there just like you, who are sick and tired of sitting through pathetic performances night after fucking night, but no, we haven’t, like, ditched our kids at the ball game or anything, not completely anyway. But we’ve thought about it. A LOT.

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NFL Insiders Preparing for Shift to Flag Football

Buzz McFly
NFL Flag Football

It’s the offseason which means the NFL has nothing better to do with their time. While twiddling their thumbs over cocktails at the annual spring meeting, team owners approved a new kickoff rule without any regard for the fans or the game itself.

The new kickoff rule essentially eliminates the return game as a weapon in special teams. Each year, the NFL takes steps to drastically reduce the chances of another Bill Belichick ever rising through the ranks by eliminating special teams altogether.

Belichick cut his teeth in the NFL as an assistant special teams coach with the Detroit Lions and Denver Broncos back in the 1970s. He continued his journey as the New York Giants‘ special teams coordinator from 1979 to 1984. Today, the entire football world pretty much agrees that Bill Belichick of the New England Patriots is the goat of NFL head coaches in the modern era, if not of all time.

However, he got his humble beginnings as an assistant special teams coordinator. If there is anybody in the entire league who understands the importance of special teams, it’s Billy Goat. Ask Belichick a question about anything related to the game that was just played and you will be stonewalled with a cold blank stare or a response so short, you’ll miss it if you blink.

However, Billy Goat once famously gave a 1,039-word response to a question about what it was like for Gino Cappelletti to kick field goals back in the 1960s. The fucking sixties, man. Billy Goat would have been a schoolboy at the time.

A friend of a friend was buzzing around one of the Super Bowl game balls on Belichick’s mantle when news broke of the kickoff rule changes. Rumor has it, his facial expression was unchanged but there was a sense of disappointment in the air to complement the stench of second-hand clam chowder fumes.

Other coaches went public with their displeasure over the rule changes. Andy Reid, the head coach of the defending Super Bowl champion Kansas City Chiefs, didn’t hold back his suspicions while addressing the press through the league-owned NFL Network.

“My thing is, where does it stop, right?” Reid said. “We start taking pieces and we’ll see how this goes. But you don’t want to take too many pieces away, or you’ll be playing flag football.”

Is there a conspiracy brewing in Roger Goodell’s favorite coffee? Big Red is suggesting there might be a plan in place to gradually shift the game toward flag football permanently. Fans are in an uproar as reported by flies hovering around fresh steamy piles all over the world. Nobody wants to see the game become more suitable for fucking pussies.

Current and former players are chiming in on the issue right now. Pat McAfee, a former punting and drunken skinny-dipping standout of the Indianapolis Colts, gave zero fucks with his on-the-record response, “It’s the most amateur, bush-league-looking bullshit I have seen in a long time when it comes to the NFL.”

This really shouldn’t come as a surprise to people who have been following the rule changes of the game over the past few decades. The NFL has essentially made grabassin’ illegal, as outgoing Washington Commanders owner Dan Snyder can attest to.

In the past, other rule changes have sparked outrage amongst the most elite NFL alumni members. Other players have come out in full support of making the game as safe as possible, even if that includes bubble wrap and manicures. 

The NFL’s own golden boy, Brett Favre, chimed in on the state of the game recently as well. It seems as though he supports the NFL’s eventual shift to flag football.

“You have to believe that every time a kid is tackled, that she or he is doing detrimental things to their brain that may be irreversible.” Favre continued, “That is really scary.”

When he’s not busy putting all the mustard on it, Favre still manages to stay in the headlines years after the glory of his playing days have long gone. He really can do no wrong, so it makes sense that he’s in on the conspiracy to swap the NFL rulebook out for a flag football manual.

From his upstanding off-field reputation combined with his Super Bowl winning year in Green Bay to his unforgettable season as a New York Jet, you’d have to dig really deep to find any dirt on one of the greatest cheeseheads to ever grace the gridiron. That’s probably why the league is using Brett Favre as the player safety spokesperson for their shift to flag football.

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Will Bob Myers Reject Golden State Warriors’ Record Offer to Focus on Golf?

Buzz McFly
Bob Myers

If you’re reading this right now, you might be in the same boat as Bob Myers, the president and GM of the Golden State Warriors. Do you seriously have nothing better to do right now than sniff around this pile?

Well, whatever you’re doing, you’d probably rather be playing golf. That’s what Bob Myers would rather do than deal with the upcoming decisions looming the once proud modern day dynasty that is the Dubs. I heard it through a friend of a friend who was buzzing around the back nine where Bob was swinging his clubs when the Warriors’ extension offer came through. 

He allegedly read the offer and proceeded to give his tee shot a wicked slice that went into the rough. Bob was not pleased, to say the least. There were some profanities followed by a club that went flying toward a fellow fly. Apparently, the club appeared to have been bent over a knee, violently.

Some of the words heard included frustrated rumblings regarding why somebody would have the nerve to bother somebody at the fucking golf course. There were bits about needing more time to work on their golf game and even what seemed like pointed comments regarding the new CBA and how the aging Warriors are fucked.

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