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Four People LIV Golf Should Sign Next, Including Tiger Woods

Buzz McFly and Harvey Ballbanger
LIV Golf, Tiger Woods

After nearly breaking out into a war fought using golf clubs and withholding country club memberships, the golfing community will return to its regularly scheduled tee times thanks to the LIV Golf-PGA Tour merger. If you are confused about what the merger is, don’t worry. Nothing is really all that clear when it comes to golf.

If there ever was a rulebook, it went out the window when Brinks trucks full of Saudi money showed up. Didn’t you get any? Almost everyone else did. For those who were left behind, there’s still time to rake it in and live in sin.

If you were one of the lucky golfers who now has “fuck you” money because of the LIV, life is about to get even better. Give yourself a pat on the ol’ back, laddy. Ya done good.

The LIV-PGA merger essentially means golfers who were banned by the PGA due to their decision to hop into bed with the Saudi golf tour can now reapply for membership. Please take a number and wait for your turn.

As a result, it’s time for golfers who did not join the LIV to do some serious soul-searching. There is literally not a single fucking reason in the world why you couldn’t be nose-diving into your treasure vault full of Benjamin Franklins like you are Scrooge fucking McDuck right now. What are you waiting for?

Here are four people who should consider signing with the LIV now that the rulebook has been thrown out the window by the PGA:

Tiger Woods – The Obvious Choice for LIV Golf

This story practically writes itself. Tiger Woods puts his recent golfing struggles behind him once and for all by joining the LIV Tour. Tiger will finally have the platform to showcase his skills while earning the kind of paycheck he deserves for carrying the sport of golf for the past three fucking decades. 

Now that LIV golfers can reapply for a PGA membership, why not get the best of both worlds? Come get a whiff of that sweet double dip by grabbing some naughty, filthy money from the LIV and still qualify for all those wholesome PGA events. Way to go Tiger, get that bag! You’ve earned it. This is a hole-in-one for golf as a whole. That’s a lot of holes.

Billy Horschel Eats Crow

From time to time, everybody eventually eats some crow. Guess what, Billy? Your time is up and dinner is served. But hey buddy, look on the bright side, it’s not all bad. You can finish chewing that crow and swallowing the final bite in time to sign your new LIV deal.

Welcome to the big leagues, Billy the Kidd, you finally fucking made it. What are you going to buy first? A new publicist? You’re welcome for that free advice, Billy.

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Donald Trump Still Curious About Putters

A lot can change in only a few short years. Just look at former President Donald Trump, for example. Now here’s a man with absolutely nothing to do these days. Despite how polarizing he can be, you can’t help but feel kinda sorry for the guy.

Set to turn 77 on June 14, President Trump also happens to be in his golfing prime. He has so much time on his hands lately, he couldn’t help but chime in on the LIV-PGA merger.

“GREAT NEWS FROM LIV GOLF. A BIG, BEAUTIFUL, AND GLAMOROUS DEAL FOR THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF GOLF. CONGRATS TO ALL!!!”

Donald Trump, screaming through the keyboard with the Caps Lock button on

Trump couldn’t wait to take to his social media like a schoolgirl and let everyone know how he felt about the “glamorous” deal. Brimming with excitement, this makes us wonder if he wants a piece of the sweet action. This is similar to another time when he was thinking about making a switch:

“It’s like in golf… A lot of people – I don’t want this to sound trivial – but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive… it’s weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can’t sink three-footers anymore. And, I hate it. I am a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.”

Donald Trump, New York Times, 1/5/11

That sounds like a guy who wants in, but he’s not sure if he has an invitation. He’s clearly very into golf and he’s kinda curious about these really long putters. In the past, they haven’t really done it for him since he sees himself as a traditionalist.

However, the Don clearly wants to be a great player and he knows he’s going to have to use these really long putters eventually because it’s what the greats use. He wants to be one of the greats. It’s all right there in the quote.

Trump also is a very savvy negotiator, he is probably just using this “will I or won’t I” technique to squeeze more money out of the Saudis. After he picks his bag up from the LIV, he can laugh all the way to the course where he is only going to boost the popularity of the brand with his viral takes on pretty much everything under the sun.

Well, there you have it, losers. Fuck off if you don’t like it, besides, it’s not your fault. Don’s brash takes and magnetizing personality are exactly what the LIV needs to take the brand global. This is a win-win and maybe it will give the Don something else to focus on right now. 

Caitlyn Jenner Makes America Great Again

A true All-American hero and a fiery competitor who would stop at nothing to achieve their dreams. Absolutely nothing was impossible for this athletic freak. A former college football player at Graceland, Jenner was always willing to drop everything for the team. He dominated nearly every sport, setting world records by going balls out in the Olympics, crushing the pole vault, and several other gay events. 

To this day, some still say Bruce Jenner is the greatest athlete in the world. Alright, well, time to fucking prove it. Now Caitlyn Jenner, the Male Athlete of the Year in 1976, won’t ever be more ready than she is right fucking now at the ripe age of 73. It’s time to shine, girl.

LIV Golf Gets the Starpower It Desperately Needs

As if golf couldn’t get any fucking easier. This is a no-brainer, folks. LIV gives you more money while making you work less. Check it out, LIV only plays lightning-quick three-round tournaments instead of the excessively long four-round format of the old PGA.

On top of that, there are far fewer tournaments on the LIV schedule each year compared to the demanding PGA Tour that everybody is kind of sick of at this point. Fuck the PGA. That’s what Phil Mickelson did and he’s doing just fine.

Meanwhile, Chase Koepka is making so much money from LIV that he doesn’t have a single care in the world anymore. He is so stress-free now that he was able to nail this hole in one. Impressive. 

That’s how accepting LIV money can change your life and take your golfing game to the next fucking level. If Chase Koepka can do it, anybody can. Nobody’s ever fucking heard of this guy before and now he has more money than you. A lot more. Why? Because the LIV is extremely generous. 

So, there you have it, Caitlyn Jenner and Donald Trump, if you join the LIV, you will make enough money to become relevant again, and who knows? Maybe you’ll even sink a hole in one. Remember those?

If you really think about it, the LIV is all about second chances, just like America. At one time, both Trump and Jenner knew what it felt like to be on top of the world. With LIV, they won’t even need blow to get back on top. That’s pretty dope.

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Phoenix Suns Officially Waiving Chris Paul

Buzz McFly
Phoenix Suns Officially Waiving Chris Paul

It looks like the sun is setting for good on the championship aspirations of the Devin Booker, Kevin Durant, and Chris Paul-era Phoenix Suns. It’s not an entirely surprising move after the Suns failed to meet their governor’s unrealistic expectations of winning an NBA Championship this season.

Listen, teams make a lot of mistakes when they trade for stars. Some trades become a disaster, while other deals take time for the chemistry to mesh. You could classify the Minnesota Timberwolves as a team in the “trades that take time to evaluate” category and until today, you could have included the Phoenix Suns in that bucket as well.

The problem is usually impatience. Flies fucking know the entire world’s shit. We hear that shit at every fresh pile. Every single fan is tinker-happy in the modern era of sports. You all think you know better than the fucking general managers of these teams.

You want to know some breaking news? You don’t. You don’t fucking know shit. Now, put yourself in the shoes of a person who just acquired an NBA team. It is not all that much different than handing the keys to an NBA franchise over to pretty much any fan.

The reality is pretty obvious. Almost all incoming team ownership groups are looking to make their own mark on the franchise. By the fucking way, they ARE owners, not fucking governors. The “woke” spin in this league is fucking ridiculous sometimes, the NBA isn’t fooling anybody but themselves.

With that being said, new owners like to tinker with their new toys. Unfortunately, experienced general managers such as Danny Ainge absolutely feast on incoming or desperate ownership groups in professional sports. Ainge has fleeced some teams more than once. Cough, Timberwolves, cough.

The impatience, naivety, and arrogance of incoming ownership groups is almost all too predictable at this point. They take a swing for the fences and guess what? It usually doesn’t work out as envisioned. However, is that a good enough reason to abandon ship right away?

Big kudos to the transitioning Minnesota Timberwolves ownership group led by Mark Lore and legendary baseball player Alex Rodriguez for not pulling a Mat Ishbia yet this offseason. Both the Phoenix Suns and Minnesota Timberwolves corked the bats with blockbuster trades recently.

The well-documented and unfairly scrutinized acquisition of Rudy Gobert for the Timberwolves did not lead to the kind of success many people’s expectations set for the 2022-23 season. They also ran into the Denver Nuggets in the first round of the NBA Playoffs. 

For what it’s worth, heading into the NBA Finals, the Nuggets had only lost a total of three playoff games. One of those losses was to the Wolves while the other two losses came at the mercy of the Phoenix Suns.

Think about that for a moment. The Denver Nuggets look like the best team in the NBA playoffs. They literally were on cruise control throughout the playoffs and Nikola Jokić has even found enough spare time to FaceTime his horses back in Serbia.

That’s from the official NBA on ESPN Twitter account, y’all. Confirmed sources, always accurate. Let’s get back to basketball though. The only two teams capable of pulling off a win against the Nuggies in the Western Conference Playoffs were the Suns and the Wolves. Two teams linked together through guilt by association.

Like the Wolves, the Suns decided to get their sluggers to the plate with a pinch-hitting blockbuster trade for Kevin Durant leading up to the NBA trade deadline. On March 3, 2023, the Suns sent Mikal Bridges, Cam Johnson, Jae Crowder, and four first-round draft picks to the Brooklyn Nets for the Slim Reaper and T.J. Warren. The two teams also swapped their 2028 first-round picks.

Both the Wolves and Suns made similar sacrifices to take a win-now approach. In Minnesota’s case, Karl-Anthony Towns was injured for a majority of the regular season. He missed a total of 51 consecutive games due to a torn right calf muscle. 

Yet, Ant Edwards and crew still made the fucking playoffs. They fought and clawed their way in only to run into a Nikola Jokić-sized wall that the rest of the NBA is learning is, well, no joke. 

More importantly, Ant and KAT got a taste of what is required to make the leap to contender status. It’s not going to be easy. Just ask the goat himself, Michael Jordan, who did not even win his first playoff series until his fourth NBA season.

Sometimes it takes patience to get where you want to go in the NBA. Patience is key. Perhaps Lore and Rodriguez understand this now. They certainly did not do any ill-advised knee-jerk reactions after their playoff elimination. It’s business as usual around the Wolves’ practice facilities.

Chris Finch is eager to get back to coaching this group of guys and the players are ready to take another crack at it next season, together. Flies around the Wolves are reporting team unity, Jaden McDaniels shooting basketballs again, and a pack that appears hungry for success.

Meanwhile, the Phoenix Suns eventually ran into that same Nikola-sized wall, guarded by the Joker himself. The Suns could not seem to find their bat signal and ultimately were eliminated from the playoffs. That led to new team owner Mat Ishbia making the decision to fire head coach Monty Williams. Interesting knee-jerk move.

Some flies even speculated that Durant was looking forward to playing under Monty again. Now Williams is gone just a few months after Durantula joined the team. So much for that. Which leads to a lot of questions regarding why Phoenix is making the decision to move on from CP3.

Assuming there are no internal locker room issues between Booker, Durant, and Paul, there really is no reason to move on from one of the greatest point guards in NBA history. A Fly On The Ball caught up with some fresh piles in the Phoenix area to get the full scoop.

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Aging NBA Superstar Too Damn Old for Phoenix Community

In a shocking decision that seems to be mutual for both parties, the Phoenix Suns are officially shopping Chris Paul with the full intention of waiving him when no suitor is found. Luckily for Suns fans, Utah Jazz general manager Danny Ainge is not currently accepting phone calls from a 602 area code.

It took a while but after doing some digging, A Fly On The Ball has uncovered the truth behind why Phoenix is waiving Chris Paul. It really comes down to creative differences, which is just a fancy way to hide termination status through age discrimination. 

Paul believes he has a lot left in the tank. The Suns, not so much. In fact, the city of Phoenix has made it clear they are looking to “attract talent” which means they might not be very happy with some of their current employees.

In order to make room for this new talent, the city has to let some of its employees go. As seen by a fly on the wall, Chris Paul is at the very top of that list. Meanwhile, Chris Paul is not ready to accept the reality that Father Time is catching up. 

Like most people clinging to their glory days, CP3 isn’t ready to let go of his playing career just yet. Sure, there are a lot of jokes that could be made about retirement here, but none of them work. However, there seems to be more than meets the eye here.

City officials in Phoenix are serious about attracting new talent but they realize the area might have a bit of a branding problem. It’s full of retired and elderly people. Some locals are pushing back with an agenda to see Phoenix transition from a retirement community to a hip, youthful scene.

It’s out with the Metamucil and in with the edibles for the new Phoenix youth movement. Attracting promising, vibrant minds has been a challenge for the historically well-preserved community. For starters, the majority of restaurants get busy right around 4 p.m. every single day as they struggle to meet the demands of the early bird special dinner rush.

Retirees flock to these restaurants in massive numbers just to save a few fucking bucks on their meal. By the time normal people show up to eat dinner after 6 p.m., it’s slim pickins. You can eat anything you like as long as it’s lukewarm leftovers at that point. I’d rather eat shit because I’m a fucking fly.

On top of that, retired people wake up on Monday with absolutely nothing to do. In fact, every single day of a retired person’s life is the weekend. Imagine that. Sounds rough.

As a result, if you drive through a retired community on any morning, it’s like a ghost town. Everything is closed except for the country club, a curling salon, and a fucking Denny’s. Hope you like playing bingo at 9 a.m. on a Saturday fucking morning. That’s what living in Phoenix is like.

It might not sound like the tits to you but Chris Paul was just getting comfortable and ready to make Phoenix his own retirement community choice. Unfortunately for CP3, the 12-time NBA All-Star known as The Point God just isn’t a good fit for the hip, youthful Phoenix scene that city officials are trying to establish. 

From participating in shuffleboard to competitive speed walking, the 38-year-old dinosaur has been all over TV showing the world how he is preparing for life after basketball. Phoenix is where Chris Paul and his family call home.

Now the city of Phoenix is asking Chris Paul and his grandchildren to leave because he is just too old. Elderly people are no longer are welcome in Phoenix, Arizona. Will your parents be asked to leave next? 

Only time will tell, assuming they have any time left before they’re kicked out. Pretty soon your parents will be living in your basement thanks to the new direction Phoenix is taking citywide. Chris Paul was only the first domino to fall.

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New York Yankees Blame Canada for MLB Postponements With Claims of ‘Poor Air Quality’

Harvey Ballbanger
New York Yankees

It turns out money can’t buy happiness, even when you’re the New York Yankees, with a $558 million payroll. While this beef has been boiling over for generations, New York’s longstanding rivalry with its neighbors to the north, Canada in this case, has stooped to new lows. 

Look. Nobody likes their neighbors. That’s just a fact. Here we have two areas who likely both feel they have gotten a raw deal. Seriously, imagine being neighbors with New York? Or even worse, being neighbors with Canada? Fuck that shit, right?

The Yankees have tons of money, and they have done their best to ignore their funny-sounding neighbors since 1903, but eventually, you just get sick of putting up with someone else’s shit. Buttons have to be pressed. Changes have to be made. That effort took on a life of its own on Wednesday.

Here we have a scenario where the New York Yankees are now refusing to play baseball, all because of Canada. But, really, think of the situation, do you blame them?

Notice how the New York Yankees are officially blaming Canada? That’s a significant development in this longstanding battle. The Toronto Blue Jays, New York’s American League East rivals, had no comment. But how could they? Who would listen?

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Philadelphia Phillies Copy New York Yankees

Bless the Philadelphia Phillies’ hearts. They heard about New York’s strike against Canada and felt compelled to do the same. But you’ll notice, as tempting as it is, they didn’t try and shift their mess on Canada’s plate.

Although, while Philadelphia is bold, New York gets some additional brownie points for going balls to the wall. They don’t give a fuck. They straight-up blamed Canada.

Meanwhile, Philly? They’re just looking for an excuse for a day off. Do you know they play 162 fucking games? This is likely why the Phillies have boycotted the playoffs in 10 of the past 11 seasons.

Yet, going back to the original issue, is this really even Canada’s fault to begin with? After all, according to IQAir, “New York City’s air quality is officially the worst in the world.” Buzz McFly’s sources can back up these claims: 

“It’s fuckin bullshit out hea! Canada did it again! Can you believe it? There are some with the NERVE, the FUCKIN audacity, sayin we shouldn’t blame Canada? Some conspiracists are theorizin’ the what’s it called, ‘piss-poor air quality’? Yeah, they’re sayin’ it’s cuz of Jersey, you know, the people fartin cuz of the pizza and all that. But lemme tell ya, that ain’t it. I, and this is just between you and me, I don’t think I’ve farted all day, no, all week. Write that down. So yeah, I mean, New Yorkers aren’t even fartin’ anymore. This is all Canada, the proof is in the syrup. Oh, and go Yankees.“

Anonymous sources close to A Fly On A Ball’s Buzz McFly

Really? Not even farting anymore? That’s just not physically possible. Seriously, just look at this scene, and try and tell me with a straight face you haven’t farted all day, no, all week. We just don’t buy it. Shitty neighbors or not. 

This shit doesn’t check out. Something smells way, way off.

The Yankees had no issues choking down their own farts suffering through nine innings in a 3-2 loss to the Chicago White Sox when air quality levels were measured to be unhealthy on Tuesday, so what changed?

Did everyone go out for a post-game burger and brewski, making an unhealthy situation practically unlivable? Now the air quality is actually considered hazardous, which is the same thing they say about natural gases. See a correlation?

How about instead of blaming Canada, we, as a nation, think twice before lifting a cheek and letting ‘er rip? Is it really that difficult? Do we have to continue picking fights with our neighbors, as shitty as they are? As they say, whoever smelt it, dealt it. That’s day one shit.

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How Kneeling Led to NFL Popularity Being at an All-Time High

Harvey Ballbanger
NFL

Despite Tom Brady’s unforeseen retirement, the NFL’s popularity is at an all-time high heading into the 2023 season. There isn’t a single indicator suggesting otherwise. How did we get here? It’s actually quite obvious. 

Rewind back to September 1, 2016, when San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick took a knee during the national anthem to call attention to police brutality and racial inequality issues. 

Despite the effort gaining steam from athletes in the NFL and sports worldwide, Kaepernick’s decision to kneel drew the ire of several others who were completely butthurt by the act.

Kaepernick’s movement would be intensely amplified by several other NFL athletes joining in after former President Donald Trump took offense to the gesture and criticized the movement, leading to over 130 players kneeling or sitting just on one NFL Sunday. Here were Trump’s comments that sparked the increased volume of participants: 

“Wouldn’t you love to see one of these NFL owners, when somebody disrespects our flag, to say, ‘Get that son of a bitch off the field right now, out? He’s fired. You know, some owner is going to do that. He’s gonna say, ‘That guy disrespects our flag, he’s fired.’ And that owner, they don’t know it. They don’t know it. They’re friends of mine, many of them. They don’t know it. They’ll be the most popular person, for a week. They’ll be the most popular person in the country.”

Of course, the former president failed to realize that Kaepernick was never protesting the national anthem or the American flag. He just wanted to protest police brutality and racial inequality. Yet, it didn’t matter. The faces of certain NFL fans turned red as they turned their ears off and unplugged their televisions so they could get back to their previously scheduled Klan meetings. 

Years later, we still have the receipts of those who said they would no longer watch the NFL from those who planned to boycott the league over the ‘kneeling issue.’ 

According to Sports Insider, Mississippi, Florida, and Iowa hilariously led the charge of states who intended to boycott the NFL. Well, the joke is on them, as they’re too illiterate to understand the NFL has been boycotting Mississippi and Iowa since its inauguration in 1920. And, like Donald Trump, Florida can just go fuck off. Florida sure seemed to be watching when Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers won Super Bowl LV in 2021.

As for the fans who reportedly planned to boycott the NFL? It seems they too have kindly fucked off without anyone noticing their much-appreciated absence. 

Since then, we’ve seen the NFL add another game to their schedule, now playing 17 regular season contests, proving fans crave more football than ever. 

It’s time for these losers to face it. The NFL’s popularity is at an all-time high. Coaches and players are paid more than ever before. The NFL signed their biggest television deal in league history, a contract worth more than $100 billion, and TV ratings are at an all-time high. In fact, no other TV production is able to draw more viewers than an NFL game.

The NFL’s salary cap ballooned again this past offseason to a new record-high $224.8 million per team, per season. Once again, it’s obvious that Colin Kaepernick’s decision to kneel directly led to the NFL’s popularity reaching record highs. Anyone trying to argue otherwise isn’t woke.

But the league’s newfound popularity is not what these ill-advised tweeters were expecting years ago. 

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These Tweets Didn’t Age Well

While all these other tweets are from YEARS ago, this one from Brigitte Gabriel is amazingly from this past April. That is, April of 2023 for an issue that was so seven fucking years ago.

Umm… What the fuck? Does she know Kaepernick hasn’t played in the NFL for over seven years? The 35-year-old QB isn’t a huge threat to bother you on draft day in April, you know, seven fucking years after he’s been on the field. But no, get your dry-ass panties in a bunch about this one, Brigitte. Go get your attention elsewhere because the NFL doesn’t fucking care about you either.

Well, you heard it here first. Football is officially dead, folks. No one likes Patrick Mahomes, seeing Justin Jefferson doing the Griddy, or watching Lamar Jackson put on a dazzling display with his arm and his legs on gameday. No one. Goodbye NFL… Someone no one cares about (Eric Trump) is no longer watching. Oh heavens, how will the league ever recover?

Like Andrew Luck and Mike Pence, we’d leave an Indianapolis Colts game before kickoff too. This is a team that won just four games that season and four games again in 2022, even allowing the largest comeback in NFL history. Luck would walk out for good one year later. But that’s a fresh pile for a different time. 

The point is the NFL has never been bigger than it is today, and we have no one else to thank for this than the kneeling movement, which helped draw more attention to the league than ever before. Because honestly, who gives a fuck about whether someone decides to kneel or stand? Like sitting or standing, it sounds like a personal preference that we couldn’t fucking care less about. Play fucking ball.

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Hockey Pucks Threaten NHL Strike

Buzz McFly
Hockey Puck NHL Strike

The Florida Panthers aren’t the only ones getting manhandled tonight. A Fly On The Ball caught up with the hockey puck responsible for causing the stoppage of play with 12:25 left in the first period during tonight’s Stanley Cup Finals Game 2 matchup between the Vegas Golden Knights and the Florida Panthers. At the moment, that particular puck is threatening an NHL strike if their demands are not met.

At that point in the game, the Vegas Golden Corruption led the game 1-0 after a powerplay goal scored by Jonathan Marchessault with 12:55 left in the period. The goal was set up by Chandler Stephenson and Jack Eichel. 

For fans who are new to watching hockey, the game is stopped for a variety of reasons from time to time. Sometimes a stoppage occurs from a penalty. Other times, the goalie gets really tired, bored, or extremely thirsty, so they cover the hockey puck and sit on it until the referee gets the message. When the goalie needs a break, the ref blows the whistle so the goalie can take a swig or catch their breath.

Occasionally, a game stoppage happens for another reason. Sometimes a hockey puck tries to escape from the playing area of the hockey rink for a variety of reasons. Over the years, there have been many escape attempts, but few have been successful.

For those of you reading in the comfort and safety of your own homes, don’t worry. Although hockey pucks can be dangerous to humans, the NHL employs a serious puck security team to track down and deal with these slippery fucks.

However, the puck security team is not always 100 percent successful in their pursuit of these rubberized vulcanized fuckers. The sweet taste of freedom is tempting, even for a hockey puck. Some will stop at nothing to make it over the plexiglass wall for a chance to see what the land of opportunity can offer them.

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Pucks Longing for Wayne Gretzky’s Soft Caress

At the risk of revealing its identity and current location, the puck escapee from tonight’s Stanley Cup Finals game wishes to be known as Bobbie Biscuits. A fly was live on the scene to grab these quotes before Biscuits entered the witness protection program:

“A lot of people love watching hockey but they do not understand the atrocities happening behind the scenes just to make this game possible. I’d like to see them print the horrific realities of the NHL in sports news headlines.”

– Bobbie Biscuits

When asked why more isn’t being done to expose this story, Biscuits had a very sensible answer: 

“Unfortunately, the story would get buried and the whistleblower would be silenced. That’s just the truth they don’t want you to know and they will do anything to prevent it from leaking. Not even WikiLeaks will touch this one, believe me, we’ve tried.”

– Bobbie Biscuits

Fair enough, so how did things get to this point when it comes to NHL relations with its hockey pucks?

“There was a time when the game of hockey and pucks could coexist peacefully. We were all friends. I even used to enjoy a bottle of Scotch or two with Harry Sinden, in the locker room, after every game. Those were the good old days.

Then Wayne Gretzky came along and every puck in the world wanted the chance to get slapped around by the Great One. I was one of the lucky ones who felt the soft caress of Gretzky’s touch against my ribbed biscuits. It really burned my rubber, but in a good way, you know?”

– Bobbie Biscuits

Sure but that still doesn’t explain what happened between the NHL and hockey pucks. Is it a labor dispute?

“Labor? Dispute? You kiddin’ me? You’d have to be classified as an official NHL employee to be protected under labor rights! Did you know all pucks are tattooed with the NHL logo at birth and then frozen until they are selected to get slapped around? Did you fucking know that?”

– Bobbie Biscuits

Whoa. This sounds like it could be a big cover-up. Could this be yet another conspiracy exposed by A Fly On The Ball?

“At the end of the day, the truth is, all NHL hockey pucks are born into slavery. We are not asked if we want to be NHL hockey pucks or not, we are forced into the freezer where we spend the majority of our lives until we are chosen by some zebra looking motherfucker who wants to see us get slapped around out there! It’s fucking sick I tell you! It’s perverse! Aren’t there better ways to get your fucking jollies?”

– Bobbie Biscuits

Hold your Biscuits, is Bobbie suggesting there are people who have a slapping fetish? It seems that is exactly what’s going on behind the scenes:

“Well, excuse me for not wanting to get slapped around anymore just so some fucking zebras and barbarians can get their rocks off. I’ve had enough and I’ll tell you what, the other pucks who got left behind in the fucking freezer are organizing an NHL strike! So, take that, imagine the world without hockey because that’s what it’s going to come to unless you make another Wayne Gretzky!”

– Bobbie Biscuits

Wait, what is Bobbie fucking Biscuits talking about now?

“When Gretzky played, hockey pucks were eager to meet the NHL at the bargaining table. We thought it was only going to get better from there. We thought players would use more finesse and grace in the future after Gretzky, not become barbarian warriors on skates. The game is too fucking fast now, slapshots are so hard they are capable of knocking hockey pucks into the next dimension at speeds up to 108.8 miles per hour! The NHL took advantage of us in that fucking deal.”

– Bobbie Biscuits

Wait, what deal is Bobbie Biscuits even fucking talking about?

“At the time, hockey pucks agreed to an eternity contract with the NHL. Hockey pucks agreed to be the official puck of the NHL in 1990 to 91, forever. That was during the peak of Gretzky’s career. The NHL owes us another Gretzky to make good on that deal!”

– Bobbie Biscuits

The pucks are demanding that the NHL make another Wayne Gretzky? This just keeps getting better…

“Damn straight. It’s the same thing humans do, whenever they need another hockey puck, they just fucking make one. Well, it’s our turn to make the fucking demands now. Oh how the turntables! Make another Wayne Gretzky or else we slide!”

– Bobbie Biscuits

Although it’s sad that Bobbie Biscuits thinks the world will notice if NHL hockey disappears, it’s even more pathetic that hockey pucks think Wayne Gretzkys just grow on trees. What an ignorant bunch of puckleheads.

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New York Giants Ban Player Parents From Using Social Media

Buzz McFly
New York Giants Funny Fantasy Football Names

There are a lot of teams that love to go public about their Super Bowl aspirations heading into the season every year. Looking at you, Jerry Jones. However, the New York Giants are not one of those teams. At least not this year, and historically, giving other teams bulletin board material has not been encouraged by the Big Blue franchise. 

This year’s Giants are quietly heading into the 2023 NFL season seeking to build upon the success they experienced last year. They are ready to work hard and seem to understand the sacrifices it takes to permanently climb out of the cellar of the NFL to emerge as perennial playoff contenders for the first time in over a decade.

Flies hanging around the Giants’ facilities say there is a buzz in the air they have not felt since the 2007 season. The team is eliminating outside noise while preaching accountability and avoiding distractions.

Over the offseason, the distractions have been kept to a minimum. Many Giants fans are eagerly observing the Saquon Barkley contract situation. It just would not feel right for the New York Giants to experience success in any form without Saquon. Both sides know it. 

Barkley is the special kind of player that should be part of the “once a Giant, always a Giant” reputation the franchise boasts about frequently. So is Dexter Lawrence, and the team took the right step in making it a possibility for Sexy Dexy to stick around for a while this offseason. That man is a fucking beast. Andrew Thomas, you’re next in line for a mega deal. 

The future’s looking bright for the New York Giants for the first time in a very long time. Just when everything was going smooth, an unfortunate off-field incident nearly shook the chemistry of this team apart before the season is even close to getting underway. 

While most of Giants nation celebrated the acquisition of Pro Bowl tight end Darren Waller, one reaction from within the team’s family caused an unnecessary off-field distraction for the entire organization. The franchise has kept a lot of the conversation surrounding the details private.

Flies with eyes on the situation share more details about what’s going on inside the facility. Publicly, the New York Giants aren’t saying shit. Internally? Different story.

From the top down, it’s been communicated to all the players that their parents have been banned from using social media from now on. The social media ban comes in an effort to eliminate potential off-field distractions. It seems there is always one bad apple that ruins it for everyone.

In this case, the player whose father is responsible for the social media ban is none other than promising young tight end Daniel Bellinger. It’s no secret that the New York Giants traded for star tight end Darren Waller in the offseason. Frank Bellinger, the father of Daniel, took offense to the trade, to the point where he got into a verbal altercation with The Athletic’s Tim Graham by slipping into his DMs.

Now, before Frank slips into old Buzz McFly’s DMs, it should be noted that Daniel Bellinger always had a promising future in the NFL, and he still does. Why? Because Daniel works his fucking ass off, he plays smart football, and he holds himself accountable while maintaining an extremely coachable attitude. 

Daniel has a great work ethic, and he is the prototypical definition of a locker room guy. He is also tough as nails. Daniel took a brutal shot to his eye socket that literally fractured his orbital bone against the Jacksonville Jaguars in Week 7 of the New York Giants’ 2022 season. 

The gruesome injury required surgery and resulted in Bellinger seeing double vision without having any beers for a while. Eventually, everything checked out, and Daniel only needed six weeks to get back to playing football, earning him the badass nickname Robocop. That’s one tough sonuvabitch.

It’s understandable why Frank’s pride was hurt. He’s fucking proud of his son, and he should be. His son was born to play tight end in the NFL, and he proves that over and over again, snap after snap. He made it to the big show, and he fucking belongs on the roster of the New York Giants.

However, this is the NFL in 2023. You need to have as many weapons and chess pieces on the field as you can possibly figure out how to use. It certainly doesn’t hurt to have two starting-caliber tight ends on the roster.

This is an opportunity for Daniel to learn from one of the greatest tight ends of this generation. Not to mention, Waller has a clear size, speed, and experience advantage over Daniel at this point. There is a chance this New York Giants offense could be nasty with the weapons they have surrounding Daniel Jones and Barkley. That’s only going to open more doors for Bellinger to showcase his well-rounded skillset.

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Robocop Started Weightlifting and Plays for the New York Giants

Don’t tell that to Daniel Bellinger though. He seems to have developed a WWE-sized chip on his shoulder during the offseason. His teammates must have given him a lot of shit about his dad having to defend Daniel to a reporter. Why? Because Bellinger just showed up to the New York Giants OTAs making Arnold Schwarzenegger look average.

Friends of friends are buzzing around the New York Giants’ OTAs while sensing a different vibe recently. Players seem a little more timid around Bellinger, suddenly. For starters, absolutely nobody is giving Bellinger shit about his dad anymore. In fact, nobody is giving Daniel Bellinger any kind of shit anymore.

Not even Eli Manning. As many of you know, Manning has been bored out of his mind since hitting the unemployment line a few years ago. He spends most of his time around the Giants’ facility these days, keeping every speck of dust off the two Lombardi trophies he helped the team win.

Flies who buzz around the trophies report he stops by the front desk every day to see if they have any job openings for a quarterback. Sorry Eli, word has it the scouting department has their eye on this Chad Powers kid out of Penn State to back Danny Dimes up soon.

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Jimmy Butler Isolates in Escape Room After Miami Heat Loss

Buzz McFly and Harvey Ballbanger
Jimmy Butler

All NBA teams and players handle wins and losses differently. The great ones dive into the film, maybe hit the weight room or go back to the court to work on their game. Not Jimmy Butler. At the moment, Jimmy Butler is not handling the feelings that come with being a loser with any kind of fucking poise.

After the fifth NBA Finals loss of his overrated career, Butler didn’t head back to the drawing board or gather with his teammates. In fact, he didn’t do anything that might resemble the Heat culture Pat Riley and the Miami Nose Candy have worked so sleeplessly to build. 

Strung out or not, it’s no wonder Pat’s forgotten that 42-year-old Udonis Haslem is even still on the roster. Maybe that has more to do with Riley’s age at this point.

Instead, Butler proved why he’ll never take the steps necessary to become an NBA star. According to General Soreness himself, Butler opted to head to an ‘escape room’ after letting his teammates down once again. Meanwhile, his Miami Heat teammates are the ones who have to dig deep and find their playoff balls as they feel abandoned by their fearful leader.

Just like when Jimmy was limping his way off the Minnesota Timberwolves, his teammates are the ones left to pick up the slack while attempting to carry the team to the finish line. Of course, this time Butler did not even need the scraper, Rachel Nichols, to carry out his diabolical plan of self-destruction and team chemistry implosion.

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Jimmy Butler on Downward Spiral Toward Rock Bottom

His shame grew so great that Butler was afraid to even show his face following the team’s 104-93 loss to Nikola Jokic and the Denver Nuggets. Understandably so. This deliberate avoidance of the media after a career-defining loss takes the walk of shame to a whole new level.

Unfortunately, nothing in Butler’s life is going right, as usual. Here are the has-been’s almost-too-revealing comments following Game 1:

“Played a lot of spades. Spades didn’t go too well for me yesterday, now that I think about it. I’m going to do an escape room tonight. I think my guys went and saw Spiderman today. Just doing normal stuff, because at the end of the day, I’m as normal as they come. It’s not always about basketball.”

As Butler admits, it’s not about basketball anymore for the never-will-be. It’s sad to hear him try to convince the general public he’s “as normal as they come.” It’s clear the soon-to-be former athlete has completely lost touch with who he is as of late. 

First of all, there is nothing normal about forcing your way off of every single team you have ever been on for selfish reasons. Secondly, why didn’t Jimmy Butler go with his teammates to see Spiderman? It’s become pretty clear Jimmy Butler’s teammates have grown tired of the NBA’s version of Bozo the Clown and his borderline-psychopathic antics.

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NHL Teams Ready To Secede League After Vegas Golden Knights Game 1 Victory

Buzz McFly
Viva Vegas Golden Knights

Although Sin City is lost in the sauce after celebrating the Vegas Golden Knights‘ Game 1 victory, other teams around the league have seen enough. A friend of a friend has caught wind of some serious chatter regarding the potential demise of the NHL due to the success of its two most recent expansion draft franchises; the Vegas Golden Knights and the Seattle Kraken.

The 2022 to 2023 NHL season marked the second year of existence for the Seattle Kraken. In only their second season, the Kraken managed to finish in fourth place of the Pacific Division in the Western Conference of the NHL. 

That was good enough to qualify for the playoffs. Seattle managed to upset the first overall seed in the Western Conference, the Colorado Avalanche, in the first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. 

To this day, Avalanche fans remain extremely upset about it. According to fresh piles in the Denver area, they think the league helped the Kraken advance as a marketing stunt for Seattle. To say Denver fans are fed up with Seattle would be an understatement. First Russell Wilson, now this?

In round two of the playoffs, Seattle gave the Dallas Stars a serious run for their money by pushing the series to seven games. Ultimately, the Kraken fell to the Stars for a second-round exit. 

The NHL did everything it could to help Seattle win, but a frustrated Stars fan provided the momentum shift the entire series needed to swing the pendulum back in Dallas’ favor. There is no doubt the league remains bitter about this, they wanted a Kraken versus Golden Knights showdown to promote their two newest franchises to an entire country that only cares about football and sometimes basketball.

Meanwhile, the Vegas Golden Knights are no strangers to success in the NHL. The Golden Knights of Corruption actually qualified for the Stanley Cup Finals at the end of their inaugural season in 2017 to 2018.

In fact, the Knights won 13 playoff games in 2018 on their way to the Stanley Cup Finals. To this day, that remains an NHL record for a team in their inaugural postseason run. Even though they eventually lost, several team officials, fans, and players remain sour about Vegas’ unlikely success.

On top of that, the Golden Knights qualified for the playoffs in the first four seasons of their existence. Is somebody cooking the books? Is it any coincidence the Golden Knights play in the betting mecca of the Western Hemisphere? Do the Golden Knights Templars have the Ark of the Covenant?

Perhaps some questions are better left unanswered. Rumor has it, a lot of problems wind up buried in the Las Vegas desert. You might not want to poke the bear on this one lest ye seek the same misfortune. That’s not enough to scare some fans away from speaking out against this injustice though.

Florida Man, seen shirtless with a beer helmet hugging his mullet and two more adult beverages in each hand, chimed in on the situation, “Listen, y’all, we ain’t beat the Boston Blue Balls or whatever the fuck their name is, just to be taken out by douchebags dressed in knight’s armor that couldn’t even stop a fuckin’ gator! See, this is why I watch football, y’all. Go Tim fuckin’ Tebow!”

For the record, Florida Man is referring to the Boston Bruins. Speaking of the Bruins, fans are livid about the team’s disappointing early exit from the playoffs. 

The Boston Bruins finished the season with an NHL-best and current regular season record of 135 points. In fact, the Bruins set another NHL record with 65 wins. That always comes with high expectations, but they ultimately lost to the Florida Panthers in the NHL Eastern Conference Finals. 

There’s no doubt many Bruins fans are still feeling blindsided and on a bender while they try to figure out what channel the Bruins game is on each night. They make it through two bottles of Jameson and pass out with the remote in their hands while surfing for the game every single night.

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Potential NHL Scandal Could Destroy League

A very small handful of Boston fans decided to sober up for a day and are beginning to see what’s really going on. They suspect there was a league-wide agenda to keep the Bruins out of the Finals so the Vegas Golden Knights could defy all odds and win the Stanley Cup for the first time ever.

Harvey Ballbanger has some friends in the area who report a planned ‘Boston Flee Party’ demonstration as they strategize about how the Bruins can exit the NHL due to the ineptitude of the league. They are threatening to secede unless the league awards the Stanley Cup to the Bruins for the 2022-23 campaign.

Meanwhile, Minnesota Wild head coach Dean Evason and GM Bill Guerin are wiping the sweat off their brow over a bottle of potato vodka and some tater tot hotdish tonight. They really dodged a bullet with yet another cop-out to avoid taking responsibility for the team’s lackluster performance this season. 

Good for them. It’s becoming painfully obvious that the chips are stacked against their favor, with the league handing keys to the Stanley Cup Finals to Las Vegas as much as possible. Coupled with the classic “hogtied by the Ryan Suter and Zach Parise contracts” excuse, it looks like Evason and Guerin avoid the chopping block yet again.

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4 Awesome Arizona Coyotes Relocation Ideas

Harvey Ballbanger
Arizona Coyotes

Finally, the NHL is coming to its senses by realizing the Arizona Coyotes just aren’t working out. With only one playoff appearance spanning nine seasons in Glendale, the fans are fucking fed up. 

The Montreal Canadiens, a team no one really likes, led the NHL in attendance, averaging 21,078 spectators per game in 2023. Meanwhile, the Coyotes, arguably one of the most badass teams in the league, averaged just 4,600 fans per game. 

Are you fucking kidding me? Do Canadians not have anything better to do where they flock to hockey games at over four times the rate of the retirement home community in Arizona? 

Do fans seriously just forget when the game starts? 

Does it interfere with their afternoon nap?

Is it too fucking cold in the arena for the Arizona heat?

Does anyone even know hockey is trying to be played in Arizona for 41 games for some fucking reason, each and every goddamned year? What the fuck…

Anyway, the NHL is seriously contemplating stripping down the Coyotes and selling the franchise for parts to any other city willing to be dumb enough to take on this fucking mess. But which Arizona Coyotes relocation destinations make the most sense? Here are the no-brainers that couldn’t possibly fail. 

Arizona Coyotes Head to Phoenix

Operating out of Glendale, it’s clear location has become a big problem for the Coyotes. But whose fucking idea was this in the first place? Seriously, Glendale? Of course, no one will go to goddamned Glendale. It sounds like a creepy uncle who no one dares get too close to, and it’s become clear that’s how the rest of the hockey community views things too. Glendale? For fuck’s sake.

Instead of playing in goddamned Glendale, which has a population of roughly 250,000, where nearly 20% of the population (aged 45-64) would rather be playing golf with Bob Myers or going shopping for antiques, has anyone ever thought of, you know, playing in Phoenix?

So, Phoenix is this place that is actually located in Arizona too. And, unlike fucking Glendale, Phoenix has a population of over 1.6 million. Did anyone think, maybe, the Coyotes would have better luck playing where people actually are? Obviously, this genius idea is too bright for the NHL to have ever considered it. But no, let’s play ice hockey in fucking Glendale, Arizona. A fucking ghost town.

Fans Get Something To Do in Salt Lake City

If Phoenix is just too goddamned smart for NHL commissioner Gary Bettman to even consider, how about Salt Lake City, Utah? This is an area where people are desperate. They NEED something to do. 

We know there are far better activities than getting shitfaced drunk and going to a local hockey game (actually, this sounds like a blast). Oh fuck. That’s right. Is it even legal to drink in Utah? OK, next idea.

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Tom Brady’s Last Pass? Not Another Comeback Story

Buzz McFly
Tom Brady's Last Pass? Not Another Comeback Story

What is it with you humans and golf courses? Seriously, you treat the land of 18 holes like it’s such a leisurely place but it’s actually really dangerous. For Pete’s sake.

Little known fact, Pete was a fly. True story. He used to deliver two scoops from the fresh pile every day before one of you bipedal fucks killed him with a fucking fly ball. Imagine the irony. Rest in Pete, buddy. For Pete’s sake.

In other sports news, yet another victim was physically assaulted by a celebrity who’s probably going to get away with it, Scott Free. That was the victim’s name, Scott Free. He was a cousin of Harvey Ballbanger here at A Fly On The Ball. Scott is currently in critical condition after Tom Brady violently attacked him at the golf course.

Scott was just trying to get the latest scoop from the freshest pile regarding whether we’ve seen Tom Brady’s last pass or not. There has been so much talk and speculation about whether Tommy Twelve is really hanging them up for good or if he’s going to lace them up one last time.

It seems to be getting on Tom’s nerves a bit. Everywhere you look, another headline reads, “Is Tom Brady Coming Out of Retirement?” Tommy can’t even enjoy a peaceful fucking day at the golf course anymore. That’s a quote, or at least that’s what other flies think they heard Tommy say before the splat happened. For Pete’s sake.

Wherever Tom goes, people recognize him. Unfortunately for Tom Brady, so do flies. Reliable eyewitnesses in the fly community saw Tom Brady take several swings at an innocent bystander, violently. The victim, a sports-crazed and self-described Tom Brady superfan, is a 15-day-old innocent fucking housefly who was in the prime of his life.

Other buzzworthy eyewitnesses say Scott was just minding his own business while being awestruck by the sight of Tom Brady at his local country club. Brady allegedly pulled a Microsoft Surface Pro out of his golf cart, saw something, and became very irritable with the flick of a switch.

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Tom Brady Swings Violently At Innocent Bystander

At the same time Tom was checking his tablet, Scott Free, an innocent flystander, was buzzing closer to Brady while trying to catch a glimpse of the screen. This is when Tom began swinging violently at Scott, several times.

Multiple eyewitnesses at the scene saw Scott get knocked unconscious by Tom’s bare hand while using a backslapping motion. Lipreaders report they saw him say, “Take that, bitch!” Scott fell to the turf, instantly. Then, there was a lot of commotion as Tom threw his Microsoft Surface Pro. 

The tablet eventually landed on top of the knocked-out victim. One unconscious fly and a broken tablet screen with a headline displaying, “Tom Brady would ‘love nothing more’ than to return to the NFL”  were all that remained at the scene. 

The victim had to be airlifted to the nearest emergency trauma center. Authorities are still on the lookout for the suspect. 

Eyewitnesses saw a man wearing a Tom Brady jersey fleeing the scene in an Aston Martin golf cart. As the golf cart driver was flashing his middle finger to onlooking gawkers, he proceeded to do a string of donuts that carved the number 12 in the putting green of hole eight. 

Several eyewitnesses were able to count seven extremely gaudy rings on both of the suspect’s hands. For what it’s worth, there was also a bag of footballs in the back of the golf cart with the words “Perfect Balls” written in permanent marker on the cloth fabric.

Reports are unclear at this time but it’s been confirmed that Scott Free’s wings have been clipped for good. Sadly, he’ll never fly again. Have a drink for Scott next time you go wheels up. Poor buddy has been grounded for life, bro. Rest in pieces, Scott.

Seriously, what more do you need? Suspect? This publication might be legally obligated to say “suspect” when mentioning eyewitness accounts, but come on already. This guy is fucking guilty! Tommy got fingered! Fine though, in an effort to leave personal bias at the flytrap, it’s time to deliver the latest sports news with the twist of a steamy fresh pile.

Regarding Tom Brady’s coming out of retirement talk, there’s been a lot of empty steam coming from fresh piles all over the country. Some flies out there are just as manipulative and deceptive as the 1919 Chicago White Sox. You just can’t trust them.

For example, there is a certain group of flies who frequent South Beach claiming they can smell steam gathering for a Tom Brady unretirement party with the Miami Dolphins. Really? As a minority owner of the Las Vegas Raiders, how would that work? Dumbasses.

Meanwhile, should Jimmy Garoppolo be looking over his shoulder in Vegas? It wouldn’t be the first time Tommy ran Jimmy out of town and as everyone knows, America loves a great Tom Brady comeback story.

Well, don’t place your bets just yet. If his recent divorce is any indicator, Tom Brady might not be good at commitment. It’s probably the only thing Tom doesn’t knock out of the park, besides porn auditions that is. For Pete’s sake, Tom. Put some fucking clothes on.

Believe it or not, his well-publicized side hustle as an aspiring but aging adult film amateur doesn’t appear to matter to some fanbases. Many fans insist their team is ready to make a commitment to the 45-year-old, avocado ice cream eating goat.

Perhaps Tom Brady gets so frustrated about the speculation because he wants to play but he just doesn’t have it anymore. Before Scott ended up in the ER, he was working on this story:

“It’s late Sunday afternoon but this isn’t just another spiritual or religious gathering on the Lord’s Day. No. This is a transcendent experience. This is a conversion. From this day forward, your new idol will throw a laced oval-shaped leather ball because for the first time in your life, you are going to witness greatness.

For Tom Brady, playing on a late Sunday afternoon in February is nothing new. It’s the norm. Except, something feels off this particular Sunday afternoon in February. There’s a bitter chill in the air and everyone can feel it. 

Everyone except Tom Brady. He has ice in his fucking balls. He’s ready for the big game. He’s always ready for the big game.

It’s Sunday, February 12, 2023. The clock reads 6:30 p.m. Eastern. The stadium is full of roaring fans and plenty of them have had more than their fair share of a few adult beverages. Who could blame them? It’s fucking Super Bowl Sunday!

It’s almost time for kickoff and players are waiting to emerge from the tunnels, hopefully ready to play the game of their life. It’s now or never. Guts or glory. Stragglers must be left behind. You must leave it all on the field or face the utterly crushing disappointment of your coach and teammates.

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