Before Sean Payton could turn the tides around for the Denver Broncos, he needed to become one with the culture Colorado natives have embraced. This was Nathaniel Hackett’s biggest oversight during his brief stint in the Centennial State.
But not Payton. He’d make sure the vibes were different at Mile High this year.
Payton began laying the groundwork in the offseason. Before he even blew his first whistle in the thin, haze-filled Colorado air, Payton learned how to breathe. Or, to translate for those outside of the 420 area code, Payton learned how to inhale.
Sure. Payton got as high as Peyton Manning’s hairline. That was the goal.
But he also learned something on that fateful Friday, or was it Monday? Nobody really knew what day it was once that Bic got clicked.
After Snoop Dogg left the room, the smoke finally cleared. Several hours later, a light went off in Coach Payton’s head, noticing the excellent team-building exercise he had experienced with his new buds.
At that point, fretting about whether Javonte Williams could match Alvin Kamara’s performance became an afterthought. Life became all about exposing Russell Wilson to these dank buds in an effort to get the Denver QB’s moonball ready to launch.
You’ve heard about the locker room ping-pong table or the nearby basketball hoop for players to build team chemistry during their downtime. Sean Payton said fuck all that shit, hold my beer.
He left the room for about 10 minutes and returned with a store employee of Denver’s ‘Giraffe Pussy Buds,’ who helped unload a six-foot bong. Then Coach Payton had the honor of fastening the new Broncos team bong to the floor of the home locker room at Empower Field.
After that, he asked for a volunteer to donate to the new team charity, ‘Real Players Play On Real Grass.’ A brief awkward silence ensued, with sweat beginning to build along the eyebrows of several players around the locker room.
Eventually, a calm Jerry Jeudy delivered for the first time all season and said, “I got you, Coach. Here’s a little something I found in the janitor’s closet.”
Payton held the crystallized bud up to the light and mumbled, “Hmm. Blue Dream. This will do the trick for now.”
He then took off his whistle and gave it a turn, revealing a miniature grinder used for breaking down the finest chronic found this side of the mountain range.
Before you knew it, Payton was putting fire to flame. As all 53 players in the locker room watched anxiously, with their hands pressed upon the glass of the floor bong, smoke filled the six-foot chamber as Payton inhaled like a fucking pro.
It wasn’t long, maybe 15 seconds, before Payton smoothly exhaled and let the smoke fill a locker room that suddenly erupted as if it had just won the Super Bowl. Because, in many ways, they did.
The Broncos then went on a five-game winning streak, and the rest, as they say, is history. As to who inhaled, that’s all left up for discussion. Let’s just say all of Broncos Country rode high that day, and some might say they’ve been galloping ever since.
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Harvey Ballbanger loves to shoot the shit. If he were bigger, he’d probably be a baller. Hell, if he hadn’t gotten a wing clipped, he’d be Ballbangin’ for the NFL right now, messing around with triple-doubles in his downtime in the NBA. But that isn’t the case. Instead, Ballbanger’s letting it all hang out, delivering fresh piles, from one throne to another.
