During the 2023 NFL Season, Denver Broncos head coach Sean Payton made a bold fashion statement with his Elton John glasses. In case you’re wondering why he decided to wear such outlandish frames, it’s because he loves sitting back and playing piano like a “Candle in the Wind”.
Sean Payton’s glasses are ………… pic.twitter.com/Q5zNVt6uRQ
— Lawrence Tynes (@lt4kicks) November 14, 2023
In fact, rather than spending his off-season evaluating potential quarterback prospects for the Broncos, Payton mailed it in by overdrafting Bo Nix with the 12th pick in the first round. On top of that, Payton and the Broncos think they made a “splash move” by acquiring Zach Wilson from the New York Jets. In reality, the Denver head coach just wanted to get his hands on the latest Nathaniel Hackett playbook.
Now, you may be wondering why Payton didn’t spend more time personally scouting QBs after using his Napoleon complex to send Russell Wilson packing. After all, Coach Payton’s arrogance put the Broncos on the hook for $39 million bucks (which was reduced to $37.79 million after DangeRuss signed with the Steelers).
The truth is, Payton has been preoccupied with his new hobby, preparing his audition for Elton John cover bands. There is only one catch, instead of singing Elton John’s hit songs as they were written, Payton is putting a satirical twist on the lyrics. In classic Payton fashion, he is adamant about wanting to sing parody versions of Elton John songs to any cover band who wants him as a frontman. Talk about a power move.
So far, there have not been any takers. As a result, Payton has been performing his Elton John parody songs as a solo act in the Denver area to a bunch of empty venues. His gigs are never sold out, so if you’re looking for a good time, you can probably catch his act. You can see his current set list below.
Sean Payton’s Elton John Parody Tracks:
- Hackett and the Jets – “Benny and the Jets”
- Bronco Man (I Think It’s Going To Be a Long, Long Time) – “Rocket Man”
- I’m Still Douching – “I’m Still Standing”
- Come Back Drew Brees (with Bluesology) – “Come Back Baby”
- Don’t Let the Babes Go Down on Me (with Gregg Williams) – “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me (with George Michael)”
- This Saint Don’t Stop There Anymore – “This Train Don’t Stop There Anymore”
- Funeral for a Friend, Brett Favre Bleeding – “Funeral for a Friend, Love Lies Bleeding”
- Douchebag in the Wind – “Candle in the Wind”
- Williams Saved My Life Tonight – “Someone Saved My Life Tonight”
- Suspension – “Sacrifice”
- Tiny Pecker – “Tiny Dancer”
- Circle of Lies – “Circle of Life”
- Goodbye Bountygate Road – “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road”
- The Russ Contract – “The Bitch Is Back”
- The Ballad of Blind Side – “The Ballad of Blind Tom”
- Bounty Cat – “Honky Cat”
- Can You Feel the Peg Tonight? – “Can You Feel the Love Tonight?”
- The Cheater – “Nikita”
- I Guess That’s Why They Call It the End – “I Guess That’s Why They Call It the Blues”
It’s no secret that Payton’s little man complex drives every decision he makes, on and off the field. From using his short-man syndrome for overcompensation, to paying DangeRuss Wilson to play for the Pittsburgh Steelers, Payton is always in over his head. To say Payton is on the coaching hot seat entering the 2024 season would be an understatement.
A Fly On The Ball at a recent Broncos minicamp overhead a coach wearing a golf visor saying this about a recent gig he played in the Denver area:
“I might have the smallest penis in the world but I never expected so many people would care about it. Playing these Elton John parody gigs has been the greatest honor in my life. This trumps winning the Super Bowl by at least two inches!”
– Short Denver Broncos Coach Wearing Golf Visor
At least Sean Payton won’t have to hit the unemployment line after the Broncos fire him. He seems to have his next gig lined up already. Good for him. Until then, he can keep banking cheese from his off-field endorsements while perfecting his dive-bar setlist.
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