Every once in a while, you hear a rippin’ good yarn about an athlete who obsesses over perfecting their craft a tit too much. Unfortunately, Denver Broncos quarterback Russell Wilson has become the latest victim of this maddening malady.
You know the facts. Like how he’ll spend every waking moment rehabbing, to the point where Russ graciously gallops around the team plane when no one needs any rest, relaxation, or goddamn peace and quiet.
What an admirable competitor. This tireless dedication is exactly why Russ led the Broncos to a —checks notes— 4-11 record last season.
Nevertheless, Wilson’s nonstop ‘Let’s Ride’ mentality is a more severe case than we’ve ever caught wind of here at A Fly On The Ball. We’ve uncovered some titillating details after gaining access to data from Russell Wilson’s watch, more accurately, his Nike smartwatch.
It turns out the sometimes Pro Bowl, but never All-Pro QB hasn’t slept a wink since the end of the 2022 season. Regrettably, the data suspiciously doesn’t go back any further.
So it’s possible Wilson hasn’t batted an eye for a full year, if not longer. Without accusing anyone outright, we’re told the watch’s memory function can be reset at the user’s choosing.
Our guess? The poor guy hasn’t been able to sleep since February 1, 2015. That was the night the Seahawks learned you couldn’t defy the football gods by passing on the 1-yard-line despite having Marshawn Lynch, a power back born to pound the rock and inhale Skittles.
Despite Seattle foolishly trying to show the world their balls were bigger than yours, millions witnessed the Seahawks lose Super Bowl XLIX to the New England Patriots instead. That’s karma for you. A loss like that could cause insomnia for the rest of Wilson’s life.
Meanwhile, we all know Tom Brady and Bill Belichick would never do anything to chip away at the integrity of the game. Like the Patriots, who emerged with another Lombardi Trophy, the Seahawks got what they deserved.
Want a funny Denver Broncos fantasy football team name?
But that was then. Now the 34-year-old faces constant outside criticism as he tries to set a goal of winning more than six games again. Russ hasn’t been sleeping at all, so what has the Broncos’ signal-caller been up to?
The first item on his list was comparing mental and physical complexities between seahawks and broncos. Russ grew to know the seahawk well but realized he knew nothing of the bronco. That became all too clear after posting a career-worst completion rate his first season in Denver.
Wilson planned to spend a fortnight living on a local Colorado ranch, whose landowners were happy to oblige. He didn’t bring a single item except for his football and his pads.
While Aaron Rodgers was going on his isolation darkness retreat, Wilson was dancing with wolves and, of course, riding with the Broncos. It was pure bliss.
Wilson arrived home, happy to boast about his accuracy being “machine-like” while noting team chemistry is at an all-time high with the recent winning streak.
Obviously, no one had the heart to tell him how horses and the Denver Broncos football team are much, much different in reality and that the NFL season has yet to even kick off.
Don’t forget, it took Wilson just two seasons to immerse himself within Seattle’s culture before winning Super Bowl XLVIII, becoming known as the 12th Man by anyone who footballs (or at least that’s how he saw it). Will we see similar success in Broncos Country this season? Go Hawks! Or, I mean, Let’s Ride!
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Harvey Ballbanger loves to shoot the shit. If he were bigger, he’d probably be a baller. Hell, if he hadn’t gotten a wing clipped, he’d be Ballbangin’ for the NFL right now, messing around with triple-doubles in his downtime in the NBA. But that isn’t the case. Instead, Ballbanger’s letting it all hang out, delivering fresh piles, from one throne to another.
