From getting booed at every single NFL Draft to drawing the ire of Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, it’s clear that absolutely nobody in the entire world respects or likes Roger Goodell. It seems as though other NFL owners are beginning to form a coup against Goodell as Jolly Roger’s welcome is wearing thin.

Appointed as the commissioner in 2006 by default, Goodell literally fell ass-backward into the sport’s most elusive gig: being the ultimate ball-licker to billionaires. Have you ever tasted the salty sweetness of billionaire balls? Well, Roger Goodell has, and he keeps lining up for more.

When legendary Hall of Fame commish Paul Tagliabue retired in 2006, a massive void was left behind. There was no doubt it was going to be impossible to fill Paul’s shoes. From 1989 to 2006, he oversaw one of the greatest eras in the history of football. 

During this time, Paul allowed the John Madden video game franchise to raise the sport to new heights forever. That move alone catapulted football in front of baseball as America’s new favorite pastime, and nobody is interested in looking back anymore. Once steroids left baseball, people stopped watching.

However, the NFL is not as dumb as they look. They had a plan grooming for Paul’s eventual replacement long before Tagliabue ever became the commish. This leads us to the very first of three conclusive pieces of evidence providing proof that Roger Goodell is actually a clown:

Roger Goodell Is a Cyborg

Long before the world became infatuated with chatGPT, the NFL knew robots and artificial intelligence were the future. That’s why, on February 19, 1959, the NFL secretly hired the world’s top technology experts at the time to develop the very first human-like, artificially intelligent robot.

You may not realize it at first, but Roger is actually a robot. Just think about it though, he always sports this dumbass look on his face like he is trying to process information in real-time, but his technology limits his processing capabilities. After all, he was built in the 1950s. Roger Goodell is as outdated as it gets.

Then, think about his very robotic-like mannerisms. The proof is always in the pudding. Notice how he talks at the audience and not to them in the video below:

As if an apology isn’t awkward enough. Sending a literal robot out in the face of damage control is about as awkward as it gets. Especially when he has to constantly check his notes while his RAM is buffering.

Roger Goodell’s Middle Name Is Stokoe

Nobody even knows how to fucking pronounce this shit. Roger Stokoe Goodell? What the fuck kind of name is that? If I had to guess, it is pronounced STOW-ko. Well, that pretty much makes this piece of evidence as easy as possible to prove. Remember Bozo the Clown? Well, meet STOKOE the CLOWN:

Just look at ol’ Stokoe sweat as he begins to realize his cover is blown. The cat’s out of the bag, Rog. You’re Stokoe the Clown and everyone fucking knows it!

Goodell Refuses To Acknowledge Tom Brady’s Perfect Balls

Never once has Goodell publicly acknowledged the fact that Tom Brady’s balls are indeed perfect. Not only did Roger blow his chances of ever getting an autograph from the GOAT, he continues to act like this incident is behind him. It isn’t.

Want proof? Roger Goodell made Tom show up with bags full of shitty balls after suspending Brady for a ridiculous four games. Why? Because Roger Goodell demanded to know Tom Brady’s secret to having perfect balls.

Of course, Tom wasn’t going to share his secret! Roger got so jealous of Tom’s perfect balls that he actually suspended Brady over this grade-school shit.

What was Tom’s response? He came back from his suspension on an absolute tear. He took Roger Goodell’s shitty balls and made them look perfect! Just look at his post-suspension numbers:

Now everybody thinks Tom Brady has old, saggy, washed-up balls but it’s just not true. If Roger Goodell would finally acknowledge Brady’s perfect fucking balls, Tom might actually make a comeback.

So, there you have it. The three reasons proving that Roger Goodell is actually a clown are facts. Just think, if you never get the pleasure of watching Brady whip his perfect balls around again, you’ll have one more reason to boo Stokoe the Clown, a.k.a. Roger Goodell. Bring on the booze!

Not Buzzed Enough Yet? – 3 Reasons Why Dallas Cowboys Will Miss Playoffs

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Buzz McFly

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Buzz McFly hears all the latest buzz through his impressive network consisting of millions of flies swarming near every pile of shit in the entire world. When shit goes down, Buzz has eyes on the scene waiting to bask in the latest filth and dirt. Growing up an avid sports fan, his credibility in the field is second to none. He comes from a long line of spectator sporting event reporters willing to lay it all on the line for a fresh scoop of the latest news before it breaks wind anywhere else.

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