There has been plenty of speculation surrounding Mac Jones’ job security as the starting quarterback for the New England Patriots lately. Whether you are on the Jones bandwagon or not is irrelevant once you watch the tape. Facts are facts.
Jones simply isn’t the guy. His noodle-arm can’t push the ball down the field on a calm, sunny day in September. What makes anyone think he will be able to do it through the wicked swirling winds that come with a classic New England Nor’easter in the playoffs? Seriously, the tape never lies:
To add more fuel to the fire, Mac Jones is losing endorsements like his virginity on prom night lately. You can add Noodles and Company to the list of franchises who are done with Jones for good. That’s right, Noodles & Co. is benching Jones for a popular New England Patriots backup menu item.
You can no longer order the infamous Sauceless Mac Jones and Cheese Entrée from the Noodles & Co. menu. In case you’ve never had the pleasure before, the Sauceless Mac Jones and Cheese Entrée features one spindly, weak spaghetti noodle with no sauce. Never spirals.
That’s because Noodles and Company does not allow you to substitute a spiral noodle in place of the spaghetti with the Sauceless Mac Jones and Cheese Pasta. In fact, here is how the actual entrée previously appeared on the menu:
Sauceless Mac Jones and Cheese – No Zip. No Flavor. No Style. No Spirals. A single bland spaghetti noodle cooked al dente with lightly grated Parmesan served on a silver platter. No sauce allowed.
All the authenticity without the bells and whistles. Will look the part and talk the talk. Will NOT walk the walk. Perfect for an afternoon of three-and-outs, stagnant offense, and turnover-prone mistakes. Looks better and better with each glass of Scotch until you take a bite and begin swearing like a sailor. No refunds. You drafted him, now you have to live with it.
No Butter. Oil-Free.
Chef’s Note:
You may not substitute a spiral noodle for the spaghetti noodle as it would compromise the integrity of the dish.
A company spokesperson declined to comment on the reasoning behind the decision to bench the Sauceless Mac Jones and Cheese item from the active menu. Locals say they haven’t ordered the Sauceless Mac Jones and Cheese Pasta in ages and they don’t know anyone who ever would.
It is rumored that sales of the Sauceless Mac Jones and Cheese dish peaked immediately following the 2021 NFL Draft. Patriots everywhere were singing its praises. “We landed the second coming of Tom Brady!”, echoed through the streets of New England the moment Jones was drafted by football guru Bill Belichick.
“Mac Jones is the second coming of Tom Brady!”
– Every New England Patriots Fan After Divorcing Tom Brady
The honeymoon with Jones was uneventful, to say the least. Imagine if you were blowing up an inflatable sex doll and your little prick somehow poked a hole in it before you ever got to blow your load. That’s kinda what happened here. Completely deflated.
Since then, the flames have dwindled and any evidence of that passion remains a distant, fading memory. Then began a slow decline that eventually came to a screeching halt. Let’s just say there is not a single wet San Diago left in all of New England anymore.
It wasn’t even a downward spiral from there since Jones doesn’t know how to throw a nice tight ball. The scenario played out more like a wobbly pick six factory turning into a catastrophic crash and burn. This is what rock bottom looks like, folks:
Now you see why Noodles & Co. had to make the decision to pull the plug on Jones. The New England Patriots would be wise to follow suit. In place of the now extinct Sauceless Mac Jones and Cheese menu item, Noodles and Company has added a tasteful new option:
New England Crow Chowder – Introducing our all-new New England Crow Chowder which is essentially New England clam chowder with crow substituted for the clams.
This is for all you god-forsaken, cocky-ass New England Patriots fans who blindly stayed loyal to their guy, noodle-arm Mac Jones. You all thought he would lead you to the promised land and now you get to eat crow. Revenge is a dish best served cold, bitches. Enjoy.
Just think, in the time it took you to get to this point, Mac Jones has already thrown another pick six. And another. Then, he dropped this dime to the other team while you were refilling your whiskey:
Let’s face it, Mac Jones is a JAG. Just a guy. He is just another Brock Purdy only without nearly as much talent around him. Jones also never got to play in an actual NFL offense, unlike fellow noodle-armer Purdy, who plays in one of the nastiest schemes in the game.
Just like his former offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels, Jones is another shameful dog with his tail between his legs at this point. He’s toast, which actually would have been a pretty decent side for the Sauceless Mac Jones and Cheese dish from Noodles & Co. Oh well, that ship has sailed while carrying Jones’ career out to sea, where it will eventually walk the plank.
First, Peashooter Jones lost games. Then, he lost the locker room. Now he is about to lose his job. Who knows? Perhaps Jones can stumble into a thriving career as a spokesperson for Noodles. Jones and his noodle-arm will be joining the unemployment line sooner than later.
He could even get one step ahead by filling out a job application now. It wouldn’t hurt to try and it certainly sounds better than subjecting himself to more humiliation on Sundays. It’s finally time to admit that Mac Jones is a bust.
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Buzz McFly hears all the latest buzz through his impressive network consisting of millions of flies swarming near every pile of shit in the entire world. When shit goes down, Buzz has eyes on the scene waiting to bask in the latest filth and dirt. Growing up an avid sports fan, his credibility in the field is second to none. He comes from a long line of spectator sporting event reporters willing to lay it all on the line for a fresh scoop of the latest news before it breaks wind anywhere else.
