Before the 2023 MLB season began, the New York Mets were generating a lot of buzz because Uncle Steve opened up the checkbook for pretty much anyone not named Jacob deGrom. Casual and bandwagon fans entered the season actually believing the Mets, of all franchises, successfully bought the 2023 World Series Championship before opening day.
However, real fans of both the Mets and baseball in general know better. First of all, it’s impossible to buy a championship in baseball. The Yankees try to do this every single year and they haven’t won since 2009. Perhaps Cohen hasn’t been introduced to the Steinbrenner family yet, who knows, but they’ve been in the baseball business for a minute.
Everyone in the Yankees organization probably found it pretty amusing to watch Cohen counting his chickens before they hatched. Steve announced his intentions to win a World Series during his introductory press conference after purchasing the New York Mets in 2020.
“If I don’t win the World Series in the next 3-5 years, I’d like to make it sooner, I would consider that slightly disappointing.”
– Steve Cohen
However, the very fact that Steve Cohen opened up the checkbook shouldn’t be a surprise to anybody. The guy could literally wipe his ass with Benjamin Franklin’s face and earn that $100 back before he folds the bill for a clean surface. Shit, he probably wouldn’t even fold, he just gets a crisp bill out for the next wipe. That’s how rich Uncle Steve is.
Yet, he spent a lot of money on big-name free agents knowing that you can’t buy a World Series. Or, at least he acted like he knew that in 2020:
“I can promise you we’re going to act like a major market team. Are we going to act like drunken sailors in the marketplace? No. We want to be thoughtful. You can spend a lot of money today and tie up your team for the next five years.
You build champions, you don’t buy them.”
– Uncle Steve Cohen
Which leads me to the very first way the New York Mets are exceeding expectations at almost the halfway point of the 2023 MLB season:
1. The New York Mets Are Finally Old Enough To Drink
Despite saying he was going to build a champion instead of attempting to buy one, Steve Cohen became as impatient as every single Mets fan in the world. He decided to try a shortcut instead.
Mets fans should be thrilled they don’t have to sit through years of tanking and rebuilding through the draft or farm system. This is an opportunity to prove to the Yankees that their little brother is all grown up now. The Mets don’t need the fucking farm system anymore, they have Uncle Steve!
On top of that, as it turns out, Uncle Steve happens to be a bit of a drunken sailor. That means he can actually be a fun uncle, even if he gets you in a bit of trouble sometimes.
Thanks to the conflicting advice and example set by Uncle Steve, Mr. Met cashed in his old fake ID for the real deal. He bought every single bottle of rum he could carry on his way to place his first big bet.
Like drunken sailors, Mr. Met and his up-to-no-good Uncle Steve placed the biggest bet in MLB history. They slid their chips to the center of the table, to the tune of $349,586,342, counting on the Mets winning it all.
Yes, that’s almost 350 million dollars. Don’t worry, that’s mere pocket change for Uncle Steve. He can afford to lose it, unlike Uncle Wilpon.
2. The New York Mets Have the Most Expensive Payroll in Baseball
There are few ways you can exceed expectations for a fanbase of any sport more than going into the season with the largest payroll in the league’s history. Impressive stuff. Mets fans should be a lot more positive about this, you have a higher payroll than the fuckin’ Yankees!
Like a fraternity trust-fund douchebag, the new grown-up Mets are going to party hard, play casual, and ignore the fundamentals. When they fuck up, they are happy letting their rich Uncle Steve bail them out every time, until they never learn their lesson.
There is no way any Mets fan could have seen this kind of behavior coming from Mr. Met. Believe it or not, even Mrs. Met is shocked. Don’t tell Mr. Met, but she has been seeing other mascots:
If you rewind the clock to the string of losing seasons the Mets had from 2009 to 2014, there’s not a single NYM fan who would believe what’s going on in 2023. Except for one thing. They would definitely throw their arms up in disgusted acceptance of yet ANOTHER losing season in the works once July rolled around.
There is absolutely no chance in hell true Mets fans, from before the Cohen era, would have believed the Mets would ever lead the league in payroll. It’s not even Bobby Bonilla’s fault anymore, even though he just collected his annual “thanks for playing for the Mets once upon a time” bonus on July 1st.
That’s the second way the New York Mets have exceeded expectations in the 2023 season. The Mets have their OWN goddamn checkbook now and Uncle Steve will cash any fucking check they write. Even if it ties the Mets up for the next five years.
3. The Mets Didn’t Hand deGrom $185 Million To Blow His Elbow Out
Speaking of tying the Mets up for the next five years, how many Mets fans were disappointed to see Jacob deGrom sign with the Texas Rangers on a $185-million deal spread over five years? Talk about dodging a train.
Perhaps the biggest way the New York Mets are exceeding expectations is that they are not on the hook for yet another expensive player who is gone for the entire season (and the start of next season). Phew. Close call, right fans?
At least you still get to watch two of the greats in Justin Verlander and Max Scherzer, even if they are both a shell of their former selves. Don’t worry, you are only paying Scherzer and Verlander a paltry $43.333333 million. Each.
How has this massive investment by Uncle Steve been paying off? Well, after playing their game on July 4, 2023, the Mets have a pathetic team record of 39-46. Scherzer is actually pitching okay with an 8-2 record and a 4.02 ERA. Not too shabby.
Verlander, on the other hand, he’s struggling while hurling sub-500 ball to the tune of a 3-4 record with a 3.66 ERA. Maybe he needs a little more of a pick-me-Upton to get his confidence back, who knows? Then again, it’s probably impossible to maintain focus when this is eagerly waiting for you to get home:
The only thing more obvious than how much of a distraction Kate Upton can be is the fact that the New York Mets aren’t winning the World Series any time soon. With or without Uncle Steve.
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Buzz McFly hears all the latest buzz through his impressive network consisting of millions of flies swarming near every pile of shit in the entire world. When shit goes down, Buzz has eyes on the scene waiting to bask in the latest filth and dirt. Growing up an avid sports fan, his credibility in the field is second to none. He comes from a long line of spectator sporting event reporters willing to lay it all on the line for a fresh scoop of the latest news before it breaks wind anywhere else.
