Giants Fans Want Mike Kafka Relieved of Play-Calling Duties Immediately
It’s no secret that New York Giants offensive coordinator Mike Kafka spends his time off the football field as one of the most evil people on the planet, Lex Luthor. The very first time you see Kafka’s satanic eyebrows, you’re left wondering when Spock went full bald eagle. At least when Kafka gets fired from the Giants, he will be able to resume his role as Spock in the upcoming Star Trek film:
If first impressions leave a lasting mark, the Giants should have known to steer clear from this degenerate from the start. Everyone knows that Lex Luthor and the Legion of Doom are always scheming something.
This time, Kafka, a.k.a. Lex Luthor, is successfully implementing his diabolical plan to sabotage the Giants offense while leaving it in shambles. Everyone knows Mike Kafka used to hold the clipboard for the Philadelphia Eagles as a backup quarterback where he pledged his undying loyalty to Philly Cheesesteak, the Liberty Bell, and Wawa. It’s obvious that Kafka is a mole planted by the Eagles.
Just look at the ego combined with the complete lack of common sense by Lex Kafka, as demonstrated by his amateur showboat play-calling. A classic example can be found in the opening offensive drive of the Giants’ embarrassing loss to the Las Vegas Raiders in Week 9 of the NFL season.
Before pointing out the obvious play-calling mistake that has become a pattern with Kafka, you have to realize the Giants have Saquon Barkley in their backfield. For most offensive coordinators in the NFL, having this beast as your running back would be like playing with Bo Jackson in Tecmo Bowl. He’s a home run threat on every touch.
Keep in mind, the first 10 to 20 offensive plays are usually scripted in advance, before most NFL teams play their games. So, how do you think Lex Luthor-Kafka started the game against the Raiders, who were experiencing locker room turmoil of their own? He called three passing plays, resulting in two incompletions and a very frustrating three-and-out possession.
What’s even worse is, when you go back and watch the tape, you can see the offense line up for the very first snap without making very many adjustments. This play call was a premeditated pass and it was, of course, an incompletion.
As for the second offensive snap of the game, again, you can see Danny reading the coverage from the moment he gets in position. This play is clearly going to be a pass when Jones should have had the freedom to check into a run here.
What happens? The same thing you’ve seen all season long, pass protection breaks down immediately resulting in a forced incomplete pass at the feet of Wan’Dale Robinson. Now the Giants were facing the arch-rival of every offense in the NFL, third and long.
They really could have benefited from gaining three or four yards from Barkley on the ground up to this point. Why? Because they completed a nine-yard pass to Daniel Bellinger on third and 10. Then, they lined up to go for it on fourth and inches only to commit a false start penalty, backing them up enough to force a punt.
Sadly, this pathetic sequence of scripted plays in the first drive set the tone for the entire game. If the 2023 New York Giants offensive line were a prophylactic, they would be pulled off the shelves immediately for being defective.
Now, the entire team and its fanbase must suffer the consequences of incompetent O-Line play. Their failure to protect Jones led to the Giants losing their starting quarterback with a torn ACL for the remainder of the season. The moral of this story for the franchise is, for fuck’s sake, protect your goddamn quarterback in the future. It should be priority one from this day forward.
As for Kafka, he always calls runs when he should pass and he calls passes when he should run the ball. Why? Because Kafka actually thinks he’s cute. The problem is, he puts too much goddamn makeup on out there and ends up getting fucked, game-in and game-out.
It all began with the Giants’ surprisingly successful 2022 NFL season, which saw the team make the playoffs under inspired play from Jones and Kafka’s offense. Then, Kafka’s name started getting tossed around as a potential head coaching candidate.
Believe it or not, this clown even got some interviews. Hell, the Arizona Cardinals gave Kafka two interviews but you can see how many Lombardis that franchise has in their trophy case, in case you need any clarity on that decision.
As is often the case, this small sliver of success went to Kafka’s shiny but seemingly empty head. This happens to nearly every villain in the history of the world. Kafka is trying to show the NFL world his “creativity” and that his system is “unpredictable” but ultimately, some seemingly minute miscalculation called an inflated ego always gets in the way.
In other words, Kafka is literally just calling plays in an attempt to land a head coaching job instead of concerning himself with putting his offensive players in the best position to succeed as a team. That’s the problem with some of these unproven self-appointed “offensive geniuses”, they don’t have a clue when it comes to teamwork or balance.
For Giants fans, they are waiting on their hero, Super-Mara, to step in and correct the problem. Unfortunately, Super-Mara has fallen far out of favor with Big Blue citizens over the course of the past decade or so. Many people do not even believe in him anymore, it’s almost as if the past glory and Lombardi trophies are only ancient mythology at this point.
John Mara said they had done everything to screw the trajectory of Jones’ career up heading into the 2023 NFL season. Well, congrats to you, Mara. You managed to fuck it up even more.
Although it would be too embarrassing for you to cut bait on Joe Schoen and Brian Daboll so soon, you can still play the role of Santa Claus for Giants fans. Thankfully, Mara the Red-Nosed Owner can still save the holidays.
What Giants fans really want for the holidays is for you to exile Mike Kafka to the Island of Misfit Toys. It’s time to see if head coach Brian Daboll really is an offensive guru by allowing him to call the plays from now on. If the offense still sucks balls, it will be time to fire Daballs.
Sorry Dabes, this is a results-driven business and your offense looks like shit under Kafka. As far as Giants fans are concerned, Kafka belongs on the Island of Misfits with the rest of the rejects. If a spade is a spade then Kafka is a proven loser. As for Brian Daboll, it’s time he finally sings for his dinner. Game, set, match.
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