City of Milwaukee Wants Schlitz Lager Sponsorship To Promote Local Brewing

Since being traded from the Portland Trail Blazers to the Milwaukee Bucks, Damian Lillard is the talk of Brew Town. The only problem is, the buzz generated by Lillard hasn’t exactly been positive publicity. Lillard is making headlines for all the wrong reasons because of the company he keeps off the court.

It’s no secret the City of Milwaukee prides itself on being a town of drunkards with a rich brewing history. If you want to fit in, your favorite beer better be from Milwaukee. None of that foreign imported shit flies in America’s armpit. It doesn’t matter if it’s brewed from some rare Himalayan glacier or the beautiful natural golden grains of Mexico, it ain’t beer if it’s not from Milwaukee. Period.

That’s why Damian Lillard is struggling to fit in. He rode into town as a basketball savior, a bona fide Jesus. However, he also brings a beer sponsorship with him that is frowned upon in the city where the Milwaukee, Menomonee, and Kinnickinnic Rivers flow with plenty of beer and piss.

Obviously the Bucks didn’t think this through before landing the superstar point guard through the blockbuster trade that shook up the NBA Eastern Conference. Ironically, the trade indirectly paved the way for the Boston Celtics to land Jrue Holiday from the Blazers less than a week later.

The real winners here are NBA fans. If the Celtics and Bucks remain healthy and play to their full potential, the NBA Eastern Conference Finals are shaping up to be the bout of the 2023-24 season.

As for the other heavyweight bout shaping up in Milwaukee, things could turn ugly quickly if Lillard doesn’t change his beer sponsorship. It doesn’t matter that Modelo Cerveza tastes better than any of the pisswater Milwaukee pumps out. “Get that shit outta here,” say the locals.

In Milwaukee, they don’t want the Mark of a Fighter anywhere near their basketball courts. Fighters are champions and Milwaukee would rather shart their way to the finish line on the empty cans of Schlitz Lager. Nothing gives you beer shits like Schlitz. That’s a guarantee.

Off-court marketing dollars are a major source of additional revenue for an athlete such as Lillard. It will be interesting to see if he goes with the globally popular Modelo sponsorship or if he signs up with Schitz Lager.

In the red corner, you have Schlitz Lager, the pride and joy of Milwaukee’s brewing abilities. Many say that Schlitz is Milwaukee’s most famous beer. Even Milwaukee Magazine agrees that Schlitz is the shit, so it must be true.

Meanwhile, in the blue corner, you have the delicious, tough, and marketable Modelo Cerveza. This tasty brew is quickly replacing a certain woke light beer who can’t even sell a six-pack anymore as the most popular beer in America. 

Go figure. When you do something right, you’re going to move plenty of product. That’s Modelo. This is that. You can literally taste the Mark of a Fighter with every refreshing sip.

That’s what’s going to make this decision so difficult for Damian Lillard. Will he go with the eventual heavyweight champion Modelo or the local favorite, beer Schitz Lager? 

There are obviously more marketing dollars available with the Modelo partnership. Let’s be honest, having a better reach is an advantage in any boxing match. However, the drunken Milwaukee crowds could run Dame Time right out of town if he doesn’t win a championship in year one with a Modelo partnership.

With a Schlitz partnership, Lillard would be leaving millions of dollars on the table. Consider this, you can get an entire case of shitty ass Schlitz Lager for a Def Leppard cassette and some moldy cheese. In fact, Schlitz Lager was so bad that the company had to shut down in 1982. If they sign Lillard to a partnership, there is no doubt history will repeat itself.

Of course, Miller High Life and Pabst Blue Ribbon deserve honorable mentions when mentioning the most popular brews from the drunkest city on Earth. These are literally part of every healthy midwestern diet as well as a staple for breakfast, lunch, and dinner in Milwaukee. Perhaps they could step to the plate and offer Lillard a little milk money.

Schlitz, Miller High Life, and PBR are literally the best beers Milwaukee has to offer, don’t even bother with that microbrewery bullshit. Those guys don’t have any experience compared to the big three. Ironically, the Pabst Brewing Company currently makes Schlitz. 

It’s no secret Pabst has been looking for ways to boost the Schlitz brand again. That’s why they are making such an aggressive push to sign Lillard with a lifelong supply of Schlitz Beer in exchange for his marketing prowess. 

Here’s to hoping Damian Lillard refuses to drink his lifetime supply of Schlitz on days when the Milwaukee Bucks wear their white uniforms. If he fails to follow this wise advice, you’ll be seeing a lot more highlights such as this one again:

Not Buzzed Enough Yet? – Jimmy Butler Retires from NBA to Start Emo Band

One Buzz Over the Line – 4 Reasons Why Skip Bayless Is Full of Shit

More NBA Sports Satire – Zion Williamson Gives Up Sex To Take NBA Career Seriously

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Buzz McFly

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Buzz McFly hears all the latest buzz through his impressive network consisting of millions of flies swarming near every pile of shit in the entire world. When shit goes down, Buzz has eyes on the scene waiting to bask in the latest filth and dirt. Growing up an avid sports fan, his credibility in the field is second to none. He comes from a long line of spectator sporting event reporters willing to lay it all on the line for a fresh scoop of the latest news before it breaks wind anywhere else.

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