Viking Ship Struck By Lightning On Home Turf

Before the 2023 NFL season began, if you told any Minnesota Vikings fan that they would be 0-3 after Week 3, they would have asked you what you’re smoking. After all, the Vikings went 13-4 in 2022 while boasting an impressive 11-0 record in one-score games. They even completed the biggest comeback in NFL history against the Indianapolis Colts. 

Then, you have to ask yourself, what kind of a team falls behind 33-0 against the 2022 Colts in the first place? That should have been the first red flag but many Vikings fans were basking in denial over being the fastest bicycle with training wheels.

Of course, this also led many to believe the 2022 Vikings were frauds, which, of course, proved to be true. They were ultimately exposed by the New York Giants in the Wild Card round of the NFL Playoffs. 

As the entire league prepares to enter Week 4, the Vikings are indeed a paltry 0-3 which has many Skol faithful ready to throw in the towel. There’s already talk of tanking, plenty of people are willing to pull the plug on Kirk Cousins via trade, and there’s even chatter about pressing the reset button with a rebuild beginning with a new front office.

While everybody in Vikings nation is quick to press the panic button (as they always have been) they should probably stop setting such high expectations for their team each season in the first place. Why keep setting yourself up for disappointment? Doesn’t it get old?

If you set more realistic expectations heading into each season, maybe you can sit back and enjoy the ride. Success in sports always happens in waves. There are good years and there are bad years and then there are the Chicago Bears. Yikes. Talk about a shitshow. At least you’re not Da Bears.

Listen, the Vikings have a lot of problems with holes all over the roster that are obvious to any social media GM. They also lack discipline, execution, and ball security. If there is one thing the 2023 Vikings know how to do, it’s shoot themselves in the foot. They’re really good at it. 

Through the first three contests, the Vikings have lost a total of seven fumbles alone. To say this season has been a disaster would be an understatement. From watching starting right guard Ed Ingram struggle with pass protection to witnessing him slap the football out of Cousins’s hands in a slow-motion replay, the offensive line play has been pathetic.

In reality, the Vikings’ season has been slipping away one fumble at a time since Week 1. Most fans were not ready to admit it yet though. What’s even worse, fans can’t even blame the team’s lack of success on Cousins which has many in Skol kingdom baffled. Vikings fans are foaming at the mouth, but they can’t even blame the one guy they have made the scapegoat for everything else since he arrived.

The truth is, there are not a lot of quarterbacks who could have the kind of season Kirko Chainz is having behind this turnstile offensive line play but sadly, that isn’t translating to wins. The defense isn’t helping with their lackadaisical tackling effort either. As far as facing Justin Herbert goes, there is no defense for perfect passes. Herbert was slinging dots like candy at Halloween out there. 

Yet, somehow, as they typically do, the Vikings fight to stay in their games or make a mighty comeback effort. In their Week 3 game against the Los Angeles Chargers, the Vikings had the glorious taste of victory within their grasp. Time was running out, all they had to do was get their shit together and right the ship to make one final attack. 

Kirk Cousins Blames Minnesota Vikings Fans for Sinking Ship

As the Viking warriors lined up for battle, they suddenly became disoriented. Their sideline general appeared to be frozen while their field general clearly had not been trained in this specific scenario. The surrounding Vikings villages were never known for their intelligence. This lack of awareness proved to be the sword of death for the home battlefield.

In the end, the fans were too stupid to shut the fuck up. This loss is obviously on them, not on T.J. Hockenson’s butterfingers or Cousins’s wildly inaccurate, short-of-the-goal-line throw. It’s certainly not because of the Vikings’ historic ability to turn the ball over. Just ask Cousins who is to blame, does he look like the kind of dad who would lie? Fuck no. You like that?

Back to the battlefield where the Vikings stumbled to arm themselves, unsure of which marching formation to use because of the crowd gathering around them. They exchanged confusing looks with each other along with a few shoulder shrugs. Their field general was seen covering his ears, licking his fingers, and stomping his foot. He was literally grabassin’ when he should have been focused and poised.

Needless to say, the entire Vikings squadron failed to raise their sails in time to launch a strategic attack on the electric enemy. Just as they fired the cannon, a terrifying bolt of lightning struck the Vikings’ ship, burning it to the ground and turning their home turf over to the enemy as time ran out.

After foolishly making so much noise that the field general couldn’t even hear the commands from the sidelines, the entire Viking village suddenly gasped in disbelief. You could hear a pin drop from a mile away as the entire village watched their unsinkable purple ship drowning faster than the Titanic. The bittersweet taste of defeat has since sunk in, as can be heard from the pissing and moaning all across the Purple Sea.

Since then, the entire Vikings team has been reported missing. To this day, nobody knows if they will show up to another battle, ever again. They certainly have been nowhere to be found in one-score games, clutch moments, or the win column this season. Oh well, as they say, there’s always next year.

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Buzz McFly

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Buzz McFly hears all the latest buzz through his impressive network consisting of millions of flies swarming near every pile of shit in the entire world. When shit goes down, Buzz has eyes on the scene waiting to bask in the latest filth and dirt. Growing up an avid sports fan, his credibility in the field is second to none. He comes from a long line of spectator sporting event reporters willing to lay it all on the line for a fresh scoop of the latest news before it breaks wind anywhere else.

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