The Cleveland Browns have a big problem on their hands, and we’re not talking about the fear their massage therapist has to deal with at work. Two years ago, the little brown elves traded three first-round picks, two thirds, and a fourth-round selection for Deshaun Watson. It ended up being arguably the worst trade in NFL history. 

Watson was supposed to be a savior for a franchise that couldn’t tell the difference between a quarterback and a leprechaun on mushrooms. The Browns even made history by drafting the oldest player ever in the first round of the NFL Draft, a 28-year-old baseball player. 

The last quarterback to throw 4 interceptions for the Browns was Brandon Weeden in his first NFL start in 2012 when he got swallowed by the American flag. pic.twitter.com/cq5ELpWy5L

— Pardon My Take (@PardonMyTake) December 27, 2021

Adding insult to injury, Cleveland also gave Watson the richest fully-guaranteed contract ever, pissing off every NFL owner in the biz. Unlike your local massage parlor, the Browns couldn’t tell Watson to piss off, even if they wanted to. They can’t afford it. 

Now two years later, Watson and the Browns are the butt of the joke. They didn’t become Super Bowl contenders. In 2023, they had to pull a 38-year-old grandpa off the couch just to drag their lardasses to the playoffs. 

The Cleveland #Browns with 38 year-old QB Joe Flacco and 15 players on IR rolling into Week 15 of the AFC Wild Card race today #DawgPound pic.twitter.com/PRsb5zNQqv

— Roberto Shenanigans (@Rob_Shenanigans) December 17, 2023

During his time in Houston, Watson became known for being the most chronic cock-warbler known to man, trying to convince women to give happy endings at any massage parlor that allowed him to creep through those doors. 

Yet, Watson finally had his keys taken away when his sexual assault allegations went public. Now, everyone knows he’s more dangerous than a priest. He can no longer beg for HJs, BJs, and whatever else folks are doing with their ding-dongs these days. His days of treating women like they work in the red-light district are done, leading to significant health problems. 

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Barred From Massage Parlors, Deshaun Watson Turned To Masturbation, A Lot Of It

It’s incredible, how far the mighty have fallen after the latest Deshaun Watson injury. During his climax, Watson was a legitimate MVP candidate. Everyone wanted to be his friend. But now, his rooster is sick, and no one wants to lend a helping hand. 

Not even his Uncle, Jack. Which is sad. I mean, if your Uncle Jack helped you off an elephant, would you help your Uncle Jack off an elephant? It’s a serious dilemma. 

Nevertheless, Watson’s loneliness has led to him developing a new hobby. Mr. Miyagi taught the art of waxing on, but Watson always finished by whacking off. 

Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger. Choking the chicken. Five-knuckle shuffle. Flogging the dolphin. Jacking the beanstalk. Letting the kids out. Making it snow ranch dressing. Playing tug-o-war with cyclops. Putting Mr. Kleenex’s kids through college. Sailing the mayonnaise seas. Shaking hands with the devil. Spanking the monkey. Believe it or not, Watson has mastered them all. 

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But all that homework didn’t turn Deshaun into a dull boy. Instead, Watson developed Arthritic Tennis Elbow. In both arms. Watson will be a game-time decision for the rest of his playing career because his elbow tends to flare up before games and after them.

Don’t feel bad. Don’t feel sorry. Armed with a more expensive OnlyFans bill than anyone could ever imagine, Watson dug his own milky grave, and he just doesn’t know how to stop. That’s what addiction does. Is that the doorbell? I think another pallet of passionfruit-scented lotion just arrived…

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Harvey Ballbanger

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Harvey Ballbanger loves to shoot the shit. If he were bigger, he’d probably be a baller. Hell, if he hadn’t gotten a wing clipped, he’d be Ballbangin’ for the NFL right now, messing around with triple-doubles in his downtime in the NBA. But that isn’t the case. Instead, Ballbanger’s letting it all hang out, delivering fresh piles, from one throne to another.

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