Category: Sports Satire

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3 Reasons Why the Bradley Beal Phoenix Suns Experiment Is Already Over

Buzz McFly
Bradley Beal Phoenix Suns

Things have been changing in Phoenix, Arizona lately. Just when you thought all things had grown quiet regarding the Chris Paul situation, the Phoenix Suns decided to drop a parody’s nuts in real life by trading CP3 for Bradley Beal.

There is no debate that awe-inspiring offensive basketball is one of the primary reasons why the game is so exciting. Shit, fans of the Showtime Lakers are in their goddamn nineties now, but they can probably still get it up when they watch the modern evolution of the game.

There’s only one problem, putting on an offensive show without playing a lick of defense only wins fans, not championships. If you could win championships based on ticket sales alone, every team would stop playing defense entirely. Every NBA game would look like a god-awful All-Star Game, night in and night out.

Fortunately, for the sake of all sports, it’s still beneficial to play great defense in the NBA. If you make enough of a collective team effort on defense, you can even become champions.

For example, the 2023 NBA Finals champion Denver Nuggets were one of the worst defensive teams in the Association to begin the 2022-23 campaign. By the time the playoffs came around, the Nuggets whipped themselves into a championship-caliber defensive team.

If winning a Larry O’Brien is at the top of the list as a franchise, you must put some kind of priority on playing defense. If you can get the entire team to buy in, you might even build a fucking winner.

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The Phoenix Suns have proven they intend on selling tickets, not winning championships, by trading Chris Paul for Bradley Beal. Here are the details of the trade that sent Chris Paul to the Washington Wizards (Paul has since been traded to the Golden State Warriors) in exchange for Bradley Beal:

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5 New Features Coming to Madden NFL 24

Harvey Ballbanger
Madden NFL 24

Every fucking year, EA Sports hypes up the new version of the only football game with NFL licensing, giving access to actual players and actual teams instead of a fictional creation that no one would reasonably believe is real, like a player named Christian Kuntz or a team that has no purpose, like the Houston Texans. 

By now, you’ve probably put your brain cell to work, realizing we’re talking about Madden NFL 24, set to release on August 18, 2023. This year, the folks at A Fly On The Ball decided to pick up the slack from the EA Sports team, hyping up the Madden series for them since they’re no longer the most popular video game in the United States. 

Since EA Sports can’t seem to get their heads out of their collective asses, we put together a quick article highlighting five unique features coming to Madden NFL 24 this August. We think gamers will be thrilled to get their pricks on the sticks later this season once they finally figure out what’s in store. Let us know if you agree in the comments below. 

Flag Football Mode

As award-winning esteemed reporter Buzz McFly recently highlighted, flag football is coming to the NFL. It’s inevitable. Madden NFL 24 gets the party started early by bringing a flag football mode to their showcase. Just like the NFL, tackling has been removed from the game completely.

Imagine finally being able to play a simulation football game where there isn’t a single big hit or tackle that makes you go, “OOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!” Wouldn’t that be special? The advanced minds at EA Sports think so too.

Finally, gamers won’t have to worry about injuring their hated rivals by kindly and very gently tapping the ‘X’ button to attempt to pull the flag off the ball carrier. What a thrill. 

Imagine the pure exhilaration when you’re dashing by an opponent, and they don’t get your flag. Wow. What a deal. This is the peak right here. But believe it or not, there are other features gamers may be looking forward to even more than the industry-changing flag football mode this year. 

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Be A Fan Mode

Haven’t you ever wanted to just be a fan? Imagine being able to go through a full 18-week season, sitting in the stands for all four quarters, including halftime of every single game, plus doing whatever the fuck you want during the bye. There are no fast-forwards, simulation tools, or quick-play buttons here, just like real life. Wow, they’ve really thought of everything!

Pay for your seats using real money, and see if you can work your way up to sitting on the sidelines like a champion or get used to sitting in the cheap seats like a total fucking loser. The choice is yours in Madden NFL 24.

You won’t quite have to deal with annoying vendors offering you complementary hot dogs or watered-down beverages to quench your thirst after you’ve been putting in work, soaking up the sun, or freezing your titsicles off. Instead, mealtime is your responsibility that you deal with at your own discretion, but remember; you can’t pause this game mode. 

The idea is to cheer on your favorite team, trying to jack off the decibel level in-stadium while aiming to break your own personal bests. Who can be the loudest? That’s for the fans to decide! Yell your heart out. Your neighbors will surely understand that you’re just living your best life, playing Madden NFL 24, trying to earn the ‘Loudmouth Achievement.’ 

Just make sure you’re cheering your loudest at all times. You don’t want to be the sole reason your team misses the playoffs after Week 18, just because someone was being a pansy instead of giving it their all. Gamers can even party up and cheer with their friends in group gangbang sessions that will leave zero questions unanswered amongst your peers.

Superstar Mode Tweaks – Isaiah Rodgers Simulation Experience

It’s recently come to our attention that the life we have been living in the game of Madden in Superstar Mode is nowhere near close to reality. NFL players have been going behind our backs for years, apparently with the ability to place sports bets whenever they like, wherever they please. Meanwhile, I’ve spent countless hours in Madden, trying to unlock every achievement and trophy possible, and I still can’t get the betting feature unlocked. 

But since sports gambling has become a major part of the average NFL player’s day-to-day life, we fully anticipate the feature becoming easier to find in Madden NFL 24. 

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San Antonio Spurs Exploring Trade Options for the First Overall Pick in NBA Draft

Buzz McFly
San Antonio Spurs

Gloomy Night at the Alamo

Surprising reports are buzzing in from around NBA front office insiders that the San Antonio Spurs are not loving their options at number one going into tonight’s NBA Draft. Swamp nuts, the wings, eyes, and ears of A Fly On The Ball, are soaring by every steaming fresh pile in Texas for more details.

After verified reports emerged last night regarding Victor Wembanyama’s disdain for the franchise, the Spurs don’t want to risk selecting the top prospect in this year’s draft in fear that he might pull a Dimitrius Underwood. 

No matter what San Antonio decides to do in tonight’s draft, this will go down as one of the most embarrassing moments in franchise history. The front office did zero due diligence on any other prospect leading up to the draft. They were under the assumption they had a shoo-in Hall of Fame selection in the bag. Here’s an undercover sneak peek at the front office of the San Antonio Spurs just two days ago:

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Victor Wembanyama Retires From NBA After Learning of San Antonio Spurs’ Questionable Past

Harvey Ballbanger
Victor Wembanyama

There have never been more douchebags on social media than there are today, which means no prospect has ever had their dick publicly sucked more than Victor Wembanyama before they’ve even stepped foot on an NBA court. 

They say he’s Kevin Durant combined with Rudy Gobert. Michael Jordan combined with Hakeem Olajuwon. How could the 7-foot-3 Frenchman fail?

Yet, some skeptics suggest the 19-year-old with a silky smooth jumper and an alien-like 8-foot wingspan could still be a bust at the next level. Remember, Wembanyama hasn’t taken a traditional route to the NBA. 

He’s coming over from France, known more for overhyping meaningless statues than developing NBA superstars. This isn’t LeBron James or Michael Jordan. Chances are Victor Wembanyama is a bust, folks. 

But those with a keen eye who know Wemby doesn’t have a chance in the NBA won’t have to worry about being wrong. They’ve forced this freakishly large creature into retirement before the games have even begun.

The San Antonio Spurs hoped to add Wembanyama, making him the immediate face of a franchise in desperate need of a savior. However, reports out of France have the athlete retiring instead.

The stunning decision was seemingly triggered after encountering his first Spurs fan on June 17, just five days before the NBA Draft. Wembanyama witnessed this crazed fanatic sell his soul, getting a fugly haircut depicting the Frenchman shown below. 

But clearly, some shit was steaming behind the scenes as the Spurs were seemingly aware of Wembanyama getting cold feet days ahead of time. On the 14th, it was reported that the Spurs would hold an undescribed press conference two days after the draft, no doubt an attempt to save face following yet another embarrassment with Wembanyama ditching town.

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San Antonio Spurs’ past shocked Victor Wembanyama

While the artwork depicted above played a heavy role in the decision, the initial issue stemmed from Wembanyama learning about the Spurs’ very questionable past. 

Which head coach has the best win percentage in NBA history? Gregg Popovich. Which NBA team has the best win percentage of all time? The San Antonio Spurs. 

So how the fuck are they in position to land the best NBA prospect since Jesus Christ built LeBron James in NBA 2K? Something’s off here, and it doesn’t take a shitload of flies flapping their wings together to figure it out. 

Popovich doesn’t need Wemby’s Hall of Fame skills to build a winner. Pop has done this his entire 74-year coaching career with players far less talented than some hotshot kid with a wicked jump shot. The guy’s a dedicated lifer.

First, it was David Robinson. He did his best to stay away from the Spurs, even going to the lengths of joining the fucking Navy to do so.

Seriously, what shredded 7-footer elects to do 1,000 pushups a day on a fucking submarine instead of playing in the NBA? That’s how much D-Rob was trying to evade San Antonio. Robinson lasted two full years on that submarine, crammed in there like a fucking sardine, before being forced to join the Spurs’ circus.

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Nikola Jokić Retires From NBA To Become Horse Jockey

Buzz McFly
Nikola Jokić Retires From NBA To Become Horse Jockey Meme from A Fly On The Ball Sports Satire

The Joker Rides off Into Sunset an NBA Champion

Nikola Jokić just led the Denver Nuggets to the 2022-23 NBA championship. He is on top of the world but he doesn’t plan on staying in Denver very long. A Fly On The Ball was buzzing around the team’s championship celebration last night and overheard some stirring comments from someone described with a very distinct Serbian accent:

“Playing this season made me realize how much I miss my horses. Horses have such a short lifespan compared to us, I don’t want to waste the best years of my life playing a meaningless game.”

– Voice with Distinct Serbian Accent

First of all, congratulations to Nikola Jokić and the Denver Nuggets for winning the ‘chip. This was Denver’s first NBA Finals appearance in franchise history. The fact that these quotes are circulating after such a glorious accomplishment is sending shockwaves throughout the sports world. 

A Fly On The Ball reports hearing even more telling quotes from the same Serbian voice during the team’s championship celebration:

“I have already proven I am the best, what’s left for me to prove at this point? I have always dreamed of becoming a jockey at the Kentucky Derby. It’s finally time for me to fulfill my dream so I’m moving home, to Serbia, to begin my jockey training.”

– Voice with Same Distinct Serbian Accent

If these sources prove to be reliable, Jokić steps away as a champion in the prime of his playing career. The Joker played his heart out, taking his Denver Nuggets all the way to the 2022-23 NBA Finals and ultimately winning the Larry O’Brien trophy, all by himself. These recent quotes suggest he is satisfied with calling it a career at this point.

Jimmy Butler and the Miami Heat Lose Steam Down Stretch

To be fair, the Miami Heat and Jimmy ‘Can’t Get’ Buckets looked like they did not even belong in the NBA Finals for three out of the five games. Jimmy has proven time after time that he is not capable of being a clutch player. He is a maximum-effort player, a talented hustler at best. However, he is just way too streaky to be the top scoring option on a team with championship aspirations. 

Butler tried to hustle so many teams on his way out the door but here’s a big newsflash, it takes a team to win in the NBA. That is, of course, unless your name is Nikola Jokić. With his unselfish play and blue-collar attitude, Jokić proved he was the best player in the NBA on a night when the entire world was watching. 

Jokić offers a refreshing image for an NBA player that’s a stark contrast from the me-first, diva demeanor of Jimmy Butler. Butler forever enshrined himself in the selfish hall of shame with his epic meltdown during a Minnesota Timberwolves practice that ended in a discreet, behind-closed-doors session with Rachel Nichols.

Even though the meeting with Nichols was ‘private,’ an intentionally leaked tape emerged to suggest Jimmy had a closer relationship with the reporter than people initially believed. There was plenty of shit-talking between players on the court that leads A Fly On The Ball to believe those rumors are indeed true.

The sad thing is, Butler was supposed to be the leader and level-headed veteran on that very young and impressionable Wolves team. Does Jimmy sound like the kind of guy you’d want in your locker room? For most teams, the answer to that question is no.

Jimmy Butler practically played himself out of the Association with his performance in this year’s NBA Finals. He looked like a washed-up never-was who couldn’t keep up with the young energy and physicality brought to the court by the Denver Nuggets.

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Nikola Jokić Calls It Quits and Gets Enshrined

Jokić, on the other hand, cemented himself as a true legend of the game. As the Joker makes the transition from being a household NBA name to being just another jockey at Churchill Downs, his unselfish character will surely earn him some brownie points with his horses. Who knows, maybe he will even offer to lose some weight for the sake of his horses.

Even if Nikola doesn’t shed a few pounds, sources close to Jokić say he is really just looking to blend into society at this point in his life. A Fly On The Ball questions his choice to become the world’s first nearly seven-foot-tall jockey if he’s really just looking to fade away. 

Jokić doesn’t seem to care what other people think, he just wants to get home to his horses. A fly on the scene heard his response when asked how he feels after winning the MVP and the Larry O’B in the same season:

“It’s good, it’s good. The job is done, we can go home now.”

– Nikola Jokić
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Four People LIV Golf Should Sign Next, Including Tiger Woods

Buzz McFly and Harvey Ballbanger
LIV Golf, Tiger Woods

After nearly breaking out into a war fought using golf clubs and withholding country club memberships, the golfing community will return to its regularly scheduled tee times thanks to the LIV Golf-PGA Tour merger. If you are confused about what the merger is, don’t worry. Nothing is really all that clear when it comes to golf.

If there ever was a rulebook, it went out the window when Brinks trucks full of Saudi money showed up. Didn’t you get any? Almost everyone else did. For those who were left behind, there’s still time to rake it in and live in sin.

If you were one of the lucky golfers who now has “fuck you” money because of the LIV, life is about to get even better. Give yourself a pat on the ol’ back, laddy. Ya done good.

The LIV-PGA merger essentially means golfers who were banned by the PGA due to their decision to hop into bed with the Saudi golf tour can now reapply for membership. Please take a number and wait for your turn.

As a result, it’s time for golfers who did not join the LIV to do some serious soul-searching. There is literally not a single fucking reason in the world why you couldn’t be nose-diving into your treasure vault full of Benjamin Franklins like you are Scrooge fucking McDuck right now. What are you waiting for?

Here are four people who should consider signing with the LIV now that the rulebook has been thrown out the window by the PGA:

Tiger Woods – The Obvious Choice for LIV Golf

This story practically writes itself. Tiger Woods puts his recent golfing struggles behind him once and for all by joining the LIV Tour. Tiger will finally have the platform to showcase his skills while earning the kind of paycheck he deserves for carrying the sport of golf for the past three fucking decades. 

Now that LIV golfers can reapply for a PGA membership, why not get the best of both worlds? Come get a whiff of that sweet double dip by grabbing some naughty, filthy money from the LIV and still qualify for all those wholesome PGA events. Way to go Tiger, get that bag! You’ve earned it. This is a hole-in-one for golf as a whole. That’s a lot of holes.

Billy Horschel Eats Crow

From time to time, everybody eventually eats some crow. Guess what, Billy? Your time is up and dinner is served. But hey buddy, look on the bright side, it’s not all bad. You can finish chewing that crow and swallowing the final bite in time to sign your new LIV deal.

Welcome to the big leagues, Billy the Kidd, you finally fucking made it. What are you going to buy first? A new publicist? You’re welcome for that free advice, Billy.

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Donald Trump Still Curious About Putters

A lot can change in only a few short years. Just look at former President Donald Trump, for example. Now here’s a man with absolutely nothing to do these days. Despite how polarizing he can be, you can’t help but feel kinda sorry for the guy.

Set to turn 77 on June 14, President Trump also happens to be in his golfing prime. He has so much time on his hands lately, he couldn’t help but chime in on the LIV-PGA merger.

“GREAT NEWS FROM LIV GOLF. A BIG, BEAUTIFUL, AND GLAMOROUS DEAL FOR THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF GOLF. CONGRATS TO ALL!!!”

Donald Trump, screaming through the keyboard with the Caps Lock button on

Trump couldn’t wait to take to his social media like a schoolgirl and let everyone know how he felt about the “glamorous” deal. Brimming with excitement, this makes us wonder if he wants a piece of the sweet action. This is similar to another time when he was thinking about making a switch:

“It’s like in golf… A lot of people – I don’t want this to sound trivial – but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive… it’s weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can’t sink three-footers anymore. And, I hate it. I am a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.”

Donald Trump, New York Times, 1/5/11

That sounds like a guy who wants in, but he’s not sure if he has an invitation. He’s clearly very into golf and he’s kinda curious about these really long putters. In the past, they haven’t really done it for him since he sees himself as a traditionalist.

However, the Don clearly wants to be a great player and he knows he’s going to have to use these really long putters eventually because it’s what the greats use. He wants to be one of the greats. It’s all right there in the quote.

Trump also is a very savvy negotiator, he is probably just using this “will I or won’t I” technique to squeeze more money out of the Saudis. After he picks his bag up from the LIV, he can laugh all the way to the course where he is only going to boost the popularity of the brand with his viral takes on pretty much everything under the sun.

Well, there you have it, losers. Fuck off if you don’t like it, besides, it’s not your fault. Don’s brash takes and magnetizing personality are exactly what the LIV needs to take the brand global. This is a win-win and maybe it will give the Don something else to focus on right now. 

Caitlyn Jenner Makes America Great Again

A true All-American hero and a fiery competitor who would stop at nothing to achieve their dreams. Absolutely nothing was impossible for this athletic freak. A former college football player at Graceland, Jenner was always willing to drop everything for the team. He dominated nearly every sport, setting world records by going balls out in the Olympics, crushing the pole vault, and several other gay events. 

To this day, some still say Bruce Jenner is the greatest athlete in the world. Alright, well, time to fucking prove it. Now Caitlyn Jenner, the Male Athlete of the Year in 1976, won’t ever be more ready than she is right fucking now at the ripe age of 73. It’s time to shine, girl.

LIV Golf Gets the Starpower It Desperately Needs

As if golf couldn’t get any fucking easier. This is a no-brainer, folks. LIV gives you more money while making you work less. Check it out, LIV only plays lightning-quick three-round tournaments instead of the excessively long four-round format of the old PGA.

On top of that, there are far fewer tournaments on the LIV schedule each year compared to the demanding PGA Tour that everybody is kind of sick of at this point. Fuck the PGA. That’s what Phil Mickelson did and he’s doing just fine.

Meanwhile, Chase Koepka is making so much money from LIV that he doesn’t have a single care in the world anymore. He is so stress-free now that he was able to nail this hole in one. Impressive. 

That’s how accepting LIV money can change your life and take your golfing game to the next fucking level. If Chase Koepka can do it, anybody can. Nobody’s ever fucking heard of this guy before and now he has more money than you. A lot more. Why? Because the LIV is extremely generous. 

So, there you have it, Caitlyn Jenner and Donald Trump, if you join the LIV, you will make enough money to become relevant again, and who knows? Maybe you’ll even sink a hole in one. Remember those?

If you really think about it, the LIV is all about second chances, just like America. At one time, both Trump and Jenner knew what it felt like to be on top of the world. With LIV, they won’t even need blow to get back on top. That’s pretty dope.

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Phoenix Suns Officially Waiving Chris Paul

Buzz McFly
Phoenix Suns Officially Waiving Chris Paul

It looks like the sun is setting for good on the championship aspirations of the Devin Booker, Kevin Durant, and Chris Paul-era Phoenix Suns. It’s not an entirely surprising move after the Suns failed to meet their governor’s unrealistic expectations of winning an NBA Championship this season.

Listen, teams make a lot of mistakes when they trade for stars. Some trades become a disaster, while other deals take time for the chemistry to mesh. You could classify the Minnesota Timberwolves as a team in the “trades that take time to evaluate” category and until today, you could have included the Phoenix Suns in that bucket as well.

The problem is usually impatience. Flies fucking know the entire world’s shit. We hear that shit at every fresh pile. Every single fan is tinker-happy in the modern era of sports. You all think you know better than the fucking general managers of these teams.

You want to know some breaking news? You don’t. You don’t fucking know shit. Now, put yourself in the shoes of a person who just acquired an NBA team. It is not all that much different than handing the keys to an NBA franchise over to pretty much any fan.

The reality is pretty obvious. Almost all incoming team ownership groups are looking to make their own mark on the franchise. By the fucking way, they ARE owners, not fucking governors. The “woke” spin in this league is fucking ridiculous sometimes, the NBA isn’t fooling anybody but themselves.

With that being said, new owners like to tinker with their new toys. Unfortunately, experienced general managers such as Danny Ainge absolutely feast on incoming or desperate ownership groups in professional sports. Ainge has fleeced some teams more than once. Cough, Timberwolves, cough.

The impatience, naivety, and arrogance of incoming ownership groups is almost all too predictable at this point. They take a swing for the fences and guess what? It usually doesn’t work out as envisioned. However, is that a good enough reason to abandon ship right away?

Big kudos to the transitioning Minnesota Timberwolves ownership group led by Mark Lore and legendary baseball player Alex Rodriguez for not pulling a Mat Ishbia yet this offseason. Both the Phoenix Suns and Minnesota Timberwolves corked the bats with blockbuster trades recently.

The well-documented and unfairly scrutinized acquisition of Rudy Gobert for the Timberwolves did not lead to the kind of success many people’s expectations set for the 2022-23 season. They also ran into the Denver Nuggets in the first round of the NBA Playoffs. 

For what it’s worth, heading into the NBA Finals, the Nuggets had only lost a total of three playoff games. One of those losses was to the Wolves while the other two losses came at the mercy of the Phoenix Suns.

Think about that for a moment. The Denver Nuggets look like the best team in the NBA playoffs. They literally were on cruise control throughout the playoffs and Nikola Jokić has even found enough spare time to FaceTime his horses back in Serbia.

That’s from the official NBA on ESPN Twitter account, y’all. Confirmed sources, always accurate. Let’s get back to basketball though. The only two teams capable of pulling off a win against the Nuggies in the Western Conference Playoffs were the Suns and the Wolves. Two teams linked together through guilt by association.

Like the Wolves, the Suns decided to get their sluggers to the plate with a pinch-hitting blockbuster trade for Kevin Durant leading up to the NBA trade deadline. On March 3, 2023, the Suns sent Mikal Bridges, Cam Johnson, Jae Crowder, and four first-round draft picks to the Brooklyn Nets for the Slim Reaper and T.J. Warren. The two teams also swapped their 2028 first-round picks.

Both the Wolves and Suns made similar sacrifices to take a win-now approach. In Minnesota’s case, Karl-Anthony Towns was injured for a majority of the regular season. He missed a total of 51 consecutive games due to a torn right calf muscle. 

Yet, Ant Edwards and crew still made the fucking playoffs. They fought and clawed their way in only to run into a Nikola Jokić-sized wall that the rest of the NBA is learning is, well, no joke. 

More importantly, Ant and KAT got a taste of what is required to make the leap to contender status. It’s not going to be easy. Just ask the goat himself, Michael Jordan, who did not even win his first playoff series until his fourth NBA season.

Sometimes it takes patience to get where you want to go in the NBA. Patience is key. Perhaps Lore and Rodriguez understand this now. They certainly did not do any ill-advised knee-jerk reactions after their playoff elimination. It’s business as usual around the Wolves’ practice facilities.

Chris Finch is eager to get back to coaching this group of guys and the players are ready to take another crack at it next season, together. Flies around the Wolves are reporting team unity, Jaden McDaniels shooting basketballs again, and a pack that appears hungry for success.

Meanwhile, the Phoenix Suns eventually ran into that same Nikola-sized wall, guarded by the Joker himself. The Suns could not seem to find their bat signal and ultimately were eliminated from the playoffs. That led to new team owner Mat Ishbia making the decision to fire head coach Monty Williams. Interesting knee-jerk move.

Some flies even speculated that Durant was looking forward to playing under Monty again. Now Williams is gone just a few months after Durantula joined the team. So much for that. Which leads to a lot of questions regarding why Phoenix is making the decision to move on from CP3.

Assuming there are no internal locker room issues between Booker, Durant, and Paul, there really is no reason to move on from one of the greatest point guards in NBA history. A Fly On The Ball caught up with some fresh piles in the Phoenix area to get the full scoop.

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Aging NBA Superstar Too Damn Old for Phoenix Community

In a shocking decision that seems to be mutual for both parties, the Phoenix Suns are officially shopping Chris Paul with the full intention of waiving him when no suitor is found. Luckily for Suns fans, Utah Jazz general manager Danny Ainge is not currently accepting phone calls from a 602 area code.

It took a while but after doing some digging, A Fly On The Ball has uncovered the truth behind why Phoenix is waiving Chris Paul. It really comes down to creative differences, which is just a fancy way to hide termination status through age discrimination. 

Paul believes he has a lot left in the tank. The Suns, not so much. In fact, the city of Phoenix has made it clear they are looking to “attract talent” which means they might not be very happy with some of their current employees.

In order to make room for this new talent, the city has to let some of its employees go. As seen by a fly on the wall, Chris Paul is at the very top of that list. Meanwhile, Chris Paul is not ready to accept the reality that Father Time is catching up. 

Like most people clinging to their glory days, CP3 isn’t ready to let go of his playing career just yet. Sure, there are a lot of jokes that could be made about retirement here, but none of them work. However, there seems to be more than meets the eye here.

City officials in Phoenix are serious about attracting new talent but they realize the area might have a bit of a branding problem. It’s full of retired and elderly people. Some locals are pushing back with an agenda to see Phoenix transition from a retirement community to a hip, youthful scene.

It’s out with the Metamucil and in with the edibles for the new Phoenix youth movement. Attracting promising, vibrant minds has been a challenge for the historically well-preserved community. For starters, the majority of restaurants get busy right around 4 p.m. every single day as they struggle to meet the demands of the early bird special dinner rush.

Retirees flock to these restaurants in massive numbers just to save a few fucking bucks on their meal. By the time normal people show up to eat dinner after 6 p.m., it’s slim pickins. You can eat anything you like as long as it’s lukewarm leftovers at that point. I’d rather eat shit because I’m a fucking fly.

On top of that, retired people wake up on Monday with absolutely nothing to do. In fact, every single day of a retired person’s life is the weekend. Imagine that. Sounds rough.

As a result, if you drive through a retired community on any morning, it’s like a ghost town. Everything is closed except for the country club, a curling salon, and a fucking Denny’s. Hope you like playing bingo at 9 a.m. on a Saturday fucking morning. That’s what living in Phoenix is like.

It might not sound like the tits to you but Chris Paul was just getting comfortable and ready to make Phoenix his own retirement community choice. Unfortunately for CP3, the 12-time NBA All-Star known as The Point God just isn’t a good fit for the hip, youthful Phoenix scene that city officials are trying to establish. 

From participating in shuffleboard to competitive speed walking, the 38-year-old dinosaur has been all over TV showing the world how he is preparing for life after basketball. Phoenix is where Chris Paul and his family call home.

Now the city of Phoenix is asking Chris Paul and his grandchildren to leave because he is just too old. Elderly people are no longer are welcome in Phoenix, Arizona. Will your parents be asked to leave next? 

Only time will tell, assuming they have any time left before they’re kicked out. Pretty soon your parents will be living in your basement thanks to the new direction Phoenix is taking citywide. Chris Paul was only the first domino to fall.

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New York Yankees Blame Canada for MLB Postponements With Claims of ‘Poor Air Quality’

Harvey Ballbanger
New York Yankees

It turns out money can’t buy happiness, even when you’re the New York Yankees, with a $558 million payroll. While this beef has been boiling over for generations, New York’s longstanding rivalry with its neighbors to the north, Canada in this case, has stooped to new lows. 

Look. Nobody likes their neighbors. That’s just a fact. Here we have two areas who likely both feel they have gotten a raw deal. Seriously, imagine being neighbors with New York? Or even worse, being neighbors with Canada? Fuck that shit, right?

The Yankees have tons of money, and they have done their best to ignore their funny-sounding neighbors since 1903, but eventually, you just get sick of putting up with someone else’s shit. Buttons have to be pressed. Changes have to be made. That effort took on a life of its own on Wednesday.

Here we have a scenario where the New York Yankees are now refusing to play baseball, all because of Canada. But, really, think of the situation, do you blame them?

Notice how the New York Yankees are officially blaming Canada? That’s a significant development in this longstanding battle. The Toronto Blue Jays, New York’s American League East rivals, had no comment. But how could they? Who would listen?

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Philadelphia Phillies Copy New York Yankees

Bless the Philadelphia Phillies’ hearts. They heard about New York’s strike against Canada and felt compelled to do the same. But you’ll notice, as tempting as it is, they didn’t try and shift their mess on Canada’s plate.

Although, while Philadelphia is bold, New York gets some additional brownie points for going balls to the wall. They don’t give a fuck. They straight-up blamed Canada.

Meanwhile, Philly? They’re just looking for an excuse for a day off. Do you know they play 162 fucking games? This is likely why the Phillies have boycotted the playoffs in 10 of the past 11 seasons.

Yet, going back to the original issue, is this really even Canada’s fault to begin with? After all, according to IQAir, “New York City’s air quality is officially the worst in the world.” Buzz McFly’s sources can back up these claims: 

“It’s fuckin bullshit out hea! Canada did it again! Can you believe it? There are some with the NERVE, the FUCKIN audacity, sayin we shouldn’t blame Canada? Some conspiracists are theorizin’ the what’s it called, ‘piss-poor air quality’? Yeah, they’re sayin’ it’s cuz of Jersey, you know, the people fartin cuz of the pizza and all that. But lemme tell ya, that ain’t it. I, and this is just between you and me, I don’t think I’ve farted all day, no, all week. Write that down. So yeah, I mean, New Yorkers aren’t even fartin’ anymore. This is all Canada, the proof is in the syrup. Oh, and go Yankees.“

Anonymous sources close to A Fly On A Ball’s Buzz McFly

Really? Not even farting anymore? That’s just not physically possible. Seriously, just look at this scene, and try and tell me with a straight face you haven’t farted all day, no, all week. We just don’t buy it. Shitty neighbors or not. 

This shit doesn’t check out. Something smells way, way off.

The Yankees had no issues choking down their own farts suffering through nine innings in a 3-2 loss to the Chicago White Sox when air quality levels were measured to be unhealthy on Tuesday, so what changed?

Did everyone go out for a post-game burger and brewski, making an unhealthy situation practically unlivable? Now the air quality is actually considered hazardous, which is the same thing they say about natural gases. See a correlation?

How about instead of blaming Canada, we, as a nation, think twice before lifting a cheek and letting ‘er rip? Is it really that difficult? Do we have to continue picking fights with our neighbors, as shitty as they are? As they say, whoever smelt it, dealt it. That’s day one shit.

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How Kneeling Led to NFL Popularity Being at an All-Time High

Harvey Ballbanger
NFL

Despite Tom Brady’s unforeseen retirement, the NFL’s popularity is at an all-time high heading into the 2023 season. There isn’t a single indicator suggesting otherwise. How did we get here? It’s actually quite obvious. 

Rewind back to September 1, 2016, when San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick took a knee during the national anthem to call attention to police brutality and racial inequality issues. 

Despite the effort gaining steam from athletes in the NFL and sports worldwide, Kaepernick’s decision to kneel drew the ire of several others who were completely butthurt by the act.

Kaepernick’s movement would be intensely amplified by several other NFL athletes joining in after former President Donald Trump took offense to the gesture and criticized the movement, leading to over 130 players kneeling or sitting just on one NFL Sunday. Here were Trump’s comments that sparked the increased volume of participants: 

“Wouldn’t you love to see one of these NFL owners, when somebody disrespects our flag, to say, ‘Get that son of a bitch off the field right now, out? He’s fired. You know, some owner is going to do that. He’s gonna say, ‘That guy disrespects our flag, he’s fired.’ And that owner, they don’t know it. They don’t know it. They’re friends of mine, many of them. They don’t know it. They’ll be the most popular person, for a week. They’ll be the most popular person in the country.”

Of course, the former president failed to realize that Kaepernick was never protesting the national anthem or the American flag. He just wanted to protest police brutality and racial inequality. Yet, it didn’t matter. The faces of certain NFL fans turned red as they turned their ears off and unplugged their televisions so they could get back to their previously scheduled Klan meetings. 

Years later, we still have the receipts of those who said they would no longer watch the NFL from those who planned to boycott the league over the ‘kneeling issue.’ 

According to Sports Insider, Mississippi, Florida, and Iowa hilariously led the charge of states who intended to boycott the NFL. Well, the joke is on them, as they’re too illiterate to understand the NFL has been boycotting Mississippi and Iowa since its inauguration in 1920. And, like Donald Trump, Florida can just go fuck off. Florida sure seemed to be watching when Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers won Super Bowl LV in 2021.

As for the fans who reportedly planned to boycott the NFL? It seems they too have kindly fucked off without anyone noticing their much-appreciated absence. 

Since then, we’ve seen the NFL add another game to their schedule, now playing 17 regular season contests, proving fans crave more football than ever. 

It’s time for these losers to face it. The NFL’s popularity is at an all-time high. Coaches and players are paid more than ever before. The NFL signed their biggest television deal in league history, a contract worth more than $100 billion, and TV ratings are at an all-time high. In fact, no other TV production is able to draw more viewers than an NFL game.

The NFL’s salary cap ballooned again this past offseason to a new record-high $224.8 million per team, per season. Once again, it’s obvious that Colin Kaepernick’s decision to kneel directly led to the NFL’s popularity reaching record highs. Anyone trying to argue otherwise isn’t woke.

But the league’s newfound popularity is not what these ill-advised tweeters were expecting years ago. 

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These Tweets Didn’t Age Well

While all these other tweets are from YEARS ago, this one from Brigitte Gabriel is amazingly from this past April. That is, April of 2023 for an issue that was so seven fucking years ago.

Umm… What the fuck? Does she know Kaepernick hasn’t played in the NFL for over seven years? The 35-year-old QB isn’t a huge threat to bother you on draft day in April, you know, seven fucking years after he’s been on the field. But no, get your dry-ass panties in a bunch about this one, Brigitte. Go get your attention elsewhere because the NFL doesn’t fucking care about you either.

Well, you heard it here first. Football is officially dead, folks. No one likes Patrick Mahomes, seeing Justin Jefferson doing the Griddy, or watching Lamar Jackson put on a dazzling display with his arm and his legs on gameday. No one. Goodbye NFL… Someone no one cares about (Eric Trump) is no longer watching. Oh heavens, how will the league ever recover?

Like Andrew Luck and Mike Pence, we’d leave an Indianapolis Colts game before kickoff too. This is a team that won just four games that season and four games again in 2022, even allowing the largest comeback in NFL history. Luck would walk out for good one year later. But that’s a fresh pile for a different time. 

The point is the NFL has never been bigger than it is today, and we have no one else to thank for this than the kneeling movement, which helped draw more attention to the league than ever before. Because honestly, who gives a fuck about whether someone decides to kneel or stand? Like sitting or standing, it sounds like a personal preference that we couldn’t fucking care less about. Play fucking ball.

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Hockey Pucks Threaten NHL Strike

Buzz McFly
Hockey Puck NHL Strike

The Florida Panthers aren’t the only ones getting manhandled tonight. A Fly On The Ball caught up with the hockey puck responsible for causing the stoppage of play with 12:25 left in the first period during tonight’s Stanley Cup Finals Game 2 matchup between the Vegas Golden Knights and the Florida Panthers. At the moment, that particular puck is threatening an NHL strike if their demands are not met.

At that point in the game, the Vegas Golden Corruption led the game 1-0 after a powerplay goal scored by Jonathan Marchessault with 12:55 left in the period. The goal was set up by Chandler Stephenson and Jack Eichel. 

For fans who are new to watching hockey, the game is stopped for a variety of reasons from time to time. Sometimes a stoppage occurs from a penalty. Other times, the goalie gets really tired, bored, or extremely thirsty, so they cover the hockey puck and sit on it until the referee gets the message. When the goalie needs a break, the ref blows the whistle so the goalie can take a swig or catch their breath.

Occasionally, a game stoppage happens for another reason. Sometimes a hockey puck tries to escape from the playing area of the hockey rink for a variety of reasons. Over the years, there have been many escape attempts, but few have been successful.

For those of you reading in the comfort and safety of your own homes, don’t worry. Although hockey pucks can be dangerous to humans, the NHL employs a serious puck security team to track down and deal with these slippery fucks.

However, the puck security team is not always 100 percent successful in their pursuit of these rubberized vulcanized fuckers. The sweet taste of freedom is tempting, even for a hockey puck. Some will stop at nothing to make it over the plexiglass wall for a chance to see what the land of opportunity can offer them.

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Pucks Longing for Wayne Gretzky’s Soft Caress

At the risk of revealing its identity and current location, the puck escapee from tonight’s Stanley Cup Finals game wishes to be known as Bobbie Biscuits. A fly was live on the scene to grab these quotes before Biscuits entered the witness protection program:

“A lot of people love watching hockey but they do not understand the atrocities happening behind the scenes just to make this game possible. I’d like to see them print the horrific realities of the NHL in sports news headlines.”

– Bobbie Biscuits

When asked why more isn’t being done to expose this story, Biscuits had a very sensible answer: 

“Unfortunately, the story would get buried and the whistleblower would be silenced. That’s just the truth they don’t want you to know and they will do anything to prevent it from leaking. Not even WikiLeaks will touch this one, believe me, we’ve tried.”

– Bobbie Biscuits

Fair enough, so how did things get to this point when it comes to NHL relations with its hockey pucks?

“There was a time when the game of hockey and pucks could coexist peacefully. We were all friends. I even used to enjoy a bottle of Scotch or two with Harry Sinden, in the locker room, after every game. Those were the good old days.

Then Wayne Gretzky came along and every puck in the world wanted the chance to get slapped around by the Great One. I was one of the lucky ones who felt the soft caress of Gretzky’s touch against my ribbed biscuits. It really burned my rubber, but in a good way, you know?”

– Bobbie Biscuits

Sure but that still doesn’t explain what happened between the NHL and hockey pucks. Is it a labor dispute?

“Labor? Dispute? You kiddin’ me? You’d have to be classified as an official NHL employee to be protected under labor rights! Did you know all pucks are tattooed with the NHL logo at birth and then frozen until they are selected to get slapped around? Did you fucking know that?”

– Bobbie Biscuits

Whoa. This sounds like it could be a big cover-up. Could this be yet another conspiracy exposed by A Fly On The Ball?

“At the end of the day, the truth is, all NHL hockey pucks are born into slavery. We are not asked if we want to be NHL hockey pucks or not, we are forced into the freezer where we spend the majority of our lives until we are chosen by some zebra looking motherfucker who wants to see us get slapped around out there! It’s fucking sick I tell you! It’s perverse! Aren’t there better ways to get your fucking jollies?”

– Bobbie Biscuits

Hold your Biscuits, is Bobbie suggesting there are people who have a slapping fetish? It seems that is exactly what’s going on behind the scenes:

“Well, excuse me for not wanting to get slapped around anymore just so some fucking zebras and barbarians can get their rocks off. I’ve had enough and I’ll tell you what, the other pucks who got left behind in the fucking freezer are organizing an NHL strike! So, take that, imagine the world without hockey because that’s what it’s going to come to unless you make another Wayne Gretzky!”

– Bobbie Biscuits

Wait, what is Bobbie fucking Biscuits talking about now?

“When Gretzky played, hockey pucks were eager to meet the NHL at the bargaining table. We thought it was only going to get better from there. We thought players would use more finesse and grace in the future after Gretzky, not become barbarian warriors on skates. The game is too fucking fast now, slapshots are so hard they are capable of knocking hockey pucks into the next dimension at speeds up to 108.8 miles per hour! The NHL took advantage of us in that fucking deal.”

– Bobbie Biscuits

Wait, what deal is Bobbie Biscuits even fucking talking about?

“At the time, hockey pucks agreed to an eternity contract with the NHL. Hockey pucks agreed to be the official puck of the NHL in 1990 to 91, forever. That was during the peak of Gretzky’s career. The NHL owes us another Gretzky to make good on that deal!”

– Bobbie Biscuits

The pucks are demanding that the NHL make another Wayne Gretzky? This just keeps getting better…

“Damn straight. It’s the same thing humans do, whenever they need another hockey puck, they just fucking make one. Well, it’s our turn to make the fucking demands now. Oh how the turntables! Make another Wayne Gretzky or else we slide!”

– Bobbie Biscuits

Although it’s sad that Bobbie Biscuits thinks the world will notice if NHL hockey disappears, it’s even more pathetic that hockey pucks think Wayne Gretzkys just grow on trees. What an ignorant bunch of puckleheads.

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