SPORTS MEMES, SATIRE & PARODY
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The entire football world remains shocked that Tom Brady hasn’t announced he’s coming out of retirement yet. As everybody else is waiting for Brady to announce his comeback for another season, we’ve recently learned there may be more going on behind the scenes than meets the fly.
Continue reading “Tom Brady Busy Tossing Kim Kardashian’s Salad, Not Footballs”
Few things can spike ratings more than controversy, which is literally the only reason Skip Bayless still has a job on television. At a time when ESPN is slashing payroll faster than it takes Michael Myers to find his knife, the freakshow Bayless is somehow commanding a ridiculous salary from FOX Sports.
Skip Bayless is known for his hot takes that sound like they were schemed by a psychopathic contrarian, just to gauge reactions. In modern times, these controversial takes make waves while the entire world looks to Twitter or wherever the Scarecrow talking head is spewing his bullshit.
The irony here is that Skip actually thinks he is a well-liked guy with popular opinions. That couldn’t be further from the truth. In reality, the whole world is actually making fun of Bayless, not laughing with him.
When it comes to pretty much anything, this guy is the dictionary definition of a shithead. Here are the 4 reasons why Skip Bayless is full of shit:
Continue reading “4 Reasons Why Skip Bayless Is Full of Shit”
From getting booed at every single NFL Draft to drawing the ire of Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, it’s clear that absolutely nobody in the entire world respects or likes Roger Goodell. It seems as though other NFL owners are beginning to form a coup against Goodell as Jolly Roger’s welcome is wearing thin.
Appointed as the commissioner in 2006 by default, Goodell literally fell ass-backward into the sport’s most elusive gig: being the ultimate ball-licker to billionaires. Have you ever tasted the salty sweetness of billionaire balls? Well, Roger Goodell has, and he keeps lining up for more.
When legendary Hall of Fame commish Paul Tagliabue retired in 2006, a massive void was left behind. There was no doubt it was going to be impossible to fill Paul’s shoes. From 1989 to 2006, he oversaw one of the greatest eras in the history of football.
During this time, Paul allowed the John Madden video game franchise to raise the sport to new heights forever. That move alone catapulted football in front of baseball as America’s new favorite pastime, and nobody is interested in looking back anymore. Once steroids left baseball, people stopped watching.
However, the NFL is not as dumb as they look. They had a plan grooming for Paul’s eventual replacement long before Tagliabue ever became the commish. This leads us to the very first of three conclusive pieces of evidence providing proof that Roger Goodell is actually a clown:
Continue reading “Proof That Roger Goodell Is Actually a Clown”
Nikola Jokić just led the Denver Nuggets to the 2022-23 NBA championship. He is on top of the world but he doesn’t plan on staying in Denver very long. A Fly On The Ball was buzzing around the team’s championship celebration last night and overheard some stirring comments from someone described with a very distinct Serbian accent:
“Playing this season made me realize how much I miss my horses. Horses have such a short lifespan compared to us, I don’t want to waste the best years of my life playing a meaningless game.”
– Voice with Distinct Serbian Accent
First of all, congratulations to Nikola Jokić and the Denver Nuggets for winning the ‘chip. This was Denver’s first NBA Finals appearance in franchise history. The fact that these quotes are circulating after such a glorious accomplishment is sending shockwaves throughout the sports world.
A Fly On The Ball reports hearing even more telling quotes from the same Serbian voice during the team’s championship celebration:
“I have already proven I am the best, what’s left for me to prove at this point? I have always dreamed of becoming a jockey at the Kentucky Derby. It’s finally time for me to fulfill my dream so I’m moving home, to Serbia, to begin my jockey training.”
– Voice with Same Distinct Serbian Accent
If these sources prove to be reliable, Jokić steps away as a champion in the prime of his playing career. The Joker played his heart out, taking his Denver Nuggets all the way to the 2022-23 NBA Finals and ultimately winning the Larry O’Brien trophy, all by himself. These recent quotes suggest he is satisfied with calling it a career at this point.
To be fair, the Miami Heat and Jimmy ‘Can’t Get’ Buckets looked like they did not even belong in the NBA Finals for three out of the five games. Jimmy has proven time after time that he is not capable of being a clutch player. He is a maximum-effort player, a talented hustler at best. However, he is just way too streaky to be the top scoring option on a team with championship aspirations.
Butler tried to hustle so many teams on his way out the door but here’s a big newsflash, it takes a team to win in the NBA. That is, of course, unless your name is Nikola Jokić. With his unselfish play and blue-collar attitude, Jokić proved he was the best player in the NBA on a night when the entire world was watching.
Jokić offers a refreshing image for an NBA player that’s a stark contrast from the me-first, diva demeanor of Jimmy Butler. Butler forever enshrined himself in the selfish hall of shame with his epic meltdown during a Minnesota Timberwolves practice that ended in a discreet, behind-closed-doors session with Rachel Nichols.
Even though the meeting with Nichols was ‘private,’ an intentionally leaked tape emerged to suggest Jimmy had a closer relationship with the reporter than people initially believed. There was plenty of shit-talking between players on the court that leads A Fly On The Ball to believe those rumors are indeed true.
The sad thing is, Butler was supposed to be the leader and level-headed veteran on that very young and impressionable Wolves team. Does Jimmy sound like the kind of guy you’d want in your locker room? For most teams, the answer to that question is no.
Jimmy Butler practically played himself out of the Association with his performance in this year’s NBA Finals. He looked like a washed-up never-was who couldn’t keep up with the young energy and physicality brought to the court by the Denver Nuggets.
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Jokić, on the other hand, cemented himself as a true legend of the game. As the Joker makes the transition from being a household NBA name to being just another jockey at Churchill Downs, his unselfish character will surely earn him some brownie points with his horses. Who knows, maybe he will even offer to lose some weight for the sake of his horses.
Even if Nikola doesn’t shed a few pounds, sources close to Jokić say he is really just looking to blend into society at this point in his life. A Fly On The Ball questions his choice to become the world’s first nearly seven-foot-tall jockey if he’s really just looking to fade away.
Jokić doesn’t seem to care what other people think, he just wants to get home to his horses. A fly on the scene heard his response when asked how he feels after winning the MVP and the Larry O’B in the same season:
Continue reading “Nikola Jokić Retires From NBA To Become Horse Jockey”“It’s good, it’s good. The job is done, we can go home now.”
– Nikola Jokić
What is it with you humans and golf courses? Seriously, you treat the land of 18 holes like it’s such a leisurely place but it’s actually really dangerous. For Pete’s sake.
Little known fact, Pete was a fly. True story. He used to deliver two scoops from the fresh pile every day before one of you bipedal fucks killed him with a fucking fly ball. Imagine the irony. Rest in Pete, buddy. For Pete’s sake.
In other sports news, yet another victim was physically assaulted by a celebrity who’s probably going to get away with it, Scott Free. That was the victim’s name, Scott Free. He was a cousin of Harvey Ballbanger here at A Fly On The Ball. Scott is currently in critical condition after Tom Brady violently attacked him at the golf course.
Scott was just trying to get the latest scoop from the freshest pile regarding whether we’ve seen Tom Brady’s last pass or not. There has been so much talk and speculation about whether Tommy Twelve is really hanging them up for good or if he’s going to lace them up one last time.
It seems to be getting on Tom’s nerves a bit. Everywhere you look, another headline reads, “Is Tom Brady Coming Out of Retirement?” Tommy can’t even enjoy a peaceful fucking day at the golf course anymore. That’s a quote, or at least that’s what other flies think they heard Tommy say before the splat happened. For Pete’s sake.
Wherever Tom goes, people recognize him. Unfortunately for Tom Brady, so do flies. Reliable eyewitnesses in the fly community saw Tom Brady take several swings at an innocent bystander, violently. The victim, a sports-crazed and self-described Tom Brady superfan, is a 15-day-old innocent fucking housefly who was in the prime of his life.
Other buzzworthy eyewitnesses say Scott was just minding his own business while being awestruck by the sight of Tom Brady at his local country club. Brady allegedly pulled a Microsoft Surface Pro out of his golf cart, saw something, and became very irritable with the flick of a switch.
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At the same time Tom was checking his tablet, Scott Free, an innocent flystander, was buzzing closer to Brady while trying to catch a glimpse of the screen. This is when Tom began swinging violently at Scott, several times.
Multiple eyewitnesses at the scene saw Scott get knocked unconscious by Tom’s bare hand while using a backslapping motion. Lipreaders report they saw him say, “Take that, bitch!” Scott fell to the turf, instantly. Then, there was a lot of commotion as Tom threw his Microsoft Surface Pro.
The tablet eventually landed on top of the knocked-out victim. One unconscious fly and a broken tablet screen with a headline displaying, “Tom Brady would ‘love nothing more’ than to return to the NFL” were all that remained at the scene.
The victim had to be airlifted to the nearest emergency trauma center. Authorities are still on the lookout for the suspect.
Eyewitnesses saw a man wearing a Tom Brady jersey fleeing the scene in an Aston Martin golf cart. As the golf cart driver was flashing his middle finger to onlooking gawkers, he proceeded to do a string of donuts that carved the number 12 in the putting green of hole eight.
Several eyewitnesses were able to count seven extremely gaudy rings on both of the suspect’s hands. For what it’s worth, there was also a bag of footballs in the back of the golf cart with the words “Perfect Balls” written in permanent marker on the cloth fabric.
Reports are unclear at this time but it’s been confirmed that Scott Free’s wings have been clipped for good. Sadly, he’ll never fly again. Have a drink for Scott next time you go wheels up. Poor buddy has been grounded for life, bro. Rest in pieces, Scott.
Seriously, what more do you need? Suspect? This publication might be legally obligated to say “suspect” when mentioning eyewitness accounts, but come on already. This guy is fucking guilty! Tommy got fingered! Fine though, in an effort to leave personal bias at the flytrap, it’s time to deliver the latest sports news with the twist of a steamy fresh pile.
Regarding Tom Brady’s coming out of retirement talk, there’s been a lot of empty steam coming from fresh piles all over the country. Some flies out there are just as manipulative and deceptive as the 1919 Chicago White Sox. You just can’t trust them.
For example, there is a certain group of flies who frequent South Beach claiming they can smell steam gathering for a Tom Brady unretirement party with the Miami Dolphins. Really? As a minority owner of the Las Vegas Raiders, how would that work? Dumbasses.
Meanwhile, should Jimmy Garoppolo be looking over his shoulder in Vegas? It wouldn’t be the first time Tommy ran Jimmy out of town and as everyone knows, America loves a great Tom Brady comeback story.
Well, don’t place your bets just yet. If his recent divorce is any indicator, Tom Brady might not be good at commitment. It’s probably the only thing Tom doesn’t knock out of the park, besides porn auditions that is. For Pete’s sake, Tom. Put some fucking clothes on.
Believe it or not, his well-publicized side hustle as an aspiring but aging adult film amateur doesn’t appear to matter to some fanbases. Many fans insist their team is ready to make a commitment to the 45-year-old, avocado ice cream eating goat.
Perhaps Tom Brady gets so frustrated about the speculation because he wants to play but he just doesn’t have it anymore. Before Scott ended up in the ER, he was working on this story:
“It’s late Sunday afternoon but this isn’t just another spiritual or religious gathering on the Lord’s Day. No. This is a transcendent experience. This is a conversion. From this day forward, your new idol will throw a laced oval-shaped leather ball because for the first time in your life, you are going to witness greatness.
For Tom Brady, playing on a late Sunday afternoon in February is nothing new. It’s the norm. Except, something feels off this particular Sunday afternoon in February. There’s a bitter chill in the air and everyone can feel it.
Everyone except Tom Brady. He has ice in his fucking balls. He’s ready for the big game. He’s always ready for the big game.
It’s Sunday, February 12, 2023. The clock reads 6:30 p.m. Eastern. The stadium is full of roaring fans and plenty of them have had more than their fair share of a few adult beverages. Who could blame them? It’s fucking Super Bowl Sunday!
It’s almost time for kickoff and players are waiting to emerge from the tunnels, hopefully ready to play the game of their life. It’s now or never. Guts or glory. Stragglers must be left behind. You must leave it all on the field or face the utterly crushing disappointment of your coach and teammates.
Continue reading “Tom Brady’s Last Pass? Not Another Comeback Story”
If there’s one athlete no one wants to hear a rap album from, it’s Kirk Cousins, quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings. Yet, sometimes the world has a way of giving us what we want the least.
The next Spotify artist to pop up on your Release Radar is an up-and-comer out of Barrington, Illinois, who also shouts out Holland, Michigan. But his latest musical inspiration comes from another area up north.
The artist in question specializes in hip hop, and his moniker is Kirko Chainz, but most know him as Kirk Cousins, starting QB of the Minnesota Vikings. Buzz from the music studio suggests Cousins is working on a rap album, which will be the first of his career.
The tracklist, which is a work in progress due to musicians being hard at work, deep into their creative process, lost in the sauce, fried off the finest indicas, enhanced by the wildest psychedelics recommended by Aaron Rodgers’ guy, includes a few notable gems.
One that will stick out to football fans is conveniently track No. 14. We’re unsure how many songs the album will have, but this one specifically said it was track No. 14. This could be a coincidence, but the song is titled “Snitch Bitch.”
Of course, Stefon Diggs, Cousins’ former teammate who wanted a trade from the Vikings, wears No. 14. One ballbanger who caught a few notes breezing in the wind overhead Cousins rapping the words “Traded you to Buffalo once you became a whiny bitch. Everyone knows 18 would never turn snitch.” Cousins can even be seen doing the Griddy during the music video while rapping the words.
Looking for funny Minnesota Vikings fantasy football team names?
Cousins, who likely winces at each swear word heard on the music waves, wasn’t afraid to let the f-bombs fly when his alter ego Kirko Chainz takes over in the booth, bringing out a new side few have gotten a glimpse of.
For those who managed to stay with the rollercoaster season that saw the Vikings play 12 one-score games in 2023, there was no cockier figure than Cousins. He’d start the season by getting a brand-new whip, and the previously dormant devout Christian suddenly had a new off-field persona, where he’d be seen strutting around the team plane with his shirt off, even wearing other athletes’ lavish thousand-dollar chains around his neck.
As far as we know, making rap music is yet another new territory for the soon-to-be 35-year-old QB. Who knows? The four-time Pro Bowler is headed into the final year of his contract with the Vikings. It’s possible that Cousins, widely regarded as one of the most financially wise players in pro sports history, could be thinking about life after football.
Craving more Ballbangers? – Kirk Cousins Rap Album Leaks Vikings Diss Tracks
As we’ve seen far too many times than we’d like to admit, life comes at you fast. Even one of the NFL’s trendsetters doesn’t know when his health will force him into retirement.
He can plan to play as long as he wants, but if teams don’t come calling when free agency arrives, Cousins will have no choice but to hang up his cleats. This will lead him down a natural path toward picking up the microphone to spit more bars and inevitably clap the cheeks. Once the rap game gets a taste of his talent, the Kirko Chainz fans will demand more content. We’ve never been more sure of anything in our lives.
Will you be getting Kirk Cousins’ rap album, titled You Like That By Kirko Chainz, when it arrives on streaming devices? We won’t be able to resist finding out what other beef may be revealed or which brand of jeans he prefers.
More Minnesota Vikings Sports Satire – 3 Reasons Why the Minnesota Vikings Will Never Win a Super Bowl
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