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3 Reasons Why the Minnesota Vikings Will Never Win a Super Bowl

October 16, 2023May 10, 2024 Harvey Ballbanger

Some ships are made of metal. Some ships are made of wood. But the best ships–championships– don’t belong to Vikings. Imagine if they could?

On second thought, no. Don’t do that.

There’s no point in wasting an ounce of energy dreaming about living in some fantasy world. Nothing has changed since the day you came into this world as a soggy mess no one wanted anything to do with. The Minnesota Vikings didn’t have any Super Bowl wins then, and the same will remain true when you leave this earth, when no one will want anything to do with you again, as your team remains a complete loser. That’s just life for a Vikings fan.

Yet, believe it or not, there are still some sick fucks out there (their term is a “glutton for punishment” oofta) who hold out hope that the Vikings will not only win a Super Bowl but possibly even later this season. We’re not joking. It’s a real condition several suffer from. Perhaps you’ve heard of Skoliosis?

Unlike cowbell, there really is no prescription. Not that you need to fuck yourself up any further. You’re already a Vikings fan, for god’s sake. You betcha, it doesn’t get any worse than that donchaknow.

Anyway, here are three reasons why the Minnesota Vikings will never win a Super Bowl.

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Why the Washington Commanders Will Win the Super Bowl This Season

October 15, 2023December 2, 2023 Harvey Ballbanger

After decades of fielding a near NFL-caliber roster aside from quarterback, the Washington Commanders have stumbled into their franchise savior with Sam Howell. He joins Ron Rivera, one of the best coaches in the league, finally operating under an ownership group that gives a damn about winning instead of rimming (well, maybe not Magic Johnson, but he’s Magic).

So far, we’ve seen the expected bumps and bruises from the Commanders. Moments when they show the potential of an elite passing offense. Then there are times when the Commanders make the Chicago Bears look like a playoff team. That’s life in the NFL.

But A Fly On The Ball has seen enough to know that the Commanders are on a unique path that leads to a Super Bowl win in February of 2024. Here’s why we’ll all be celebrating a Commanders Super Bowl win later this season.

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Jimmy Butler Retires from NBA to Start Emo Band

October 14, 2023May 3, 2024 Buzz McFly

Band Tentatively Titled: Jimmy Escapes World

Jimmy Butler recently used the NBA’s media day to unveil a new look while announcing his retirement from being a man to focus on his new emo band, Jimmy Escapes World. It’s no secret the Miami Heat are in a difficult position entering the 2023-24 NBA season. Butler’s shocking retirement certainly isn’t going to help.

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Aaron Rodgers Launching Trippindales Franchise

October 9, 2023November 19, 2023 Buzz McFly

New York’s Hottest Club Is a Steamy Ayahuasca Retreat

It’s no secret Aaron Rodgers has had a lot of extra time on his hands lately. A bit too much time, perhaps? He’s been seen frequently on the sidelines and in the luxury suites of New York Jets games this season, everywhere but on the field. Don’t worry though, he still has plenty of time to make his weekly appearance on The Pat McAfee Show, where one thing becomes very clear.

At the end of the day, the guy really just wants to play football, but unfortunately, Father Time told Rodgers to take a little time out. Since moving to the business mecca of the world, Rodgers is looking to take his marketing savvy to the stratosphere after taking a pay cut this year. In other words, Rodgers wants to be more a little more productive during his downtime.

In an effort to bolster his retirement portfolio, Aaron Rodgers is launching a brand new speakeasy-style nightclub known as Trippindales. The Grand Opening for the first Trippindales location in New York City is expected to occur sometime in the Spring of 2024. Rodgers plans on franchising the ayahuasca retreat brand to take his visions nationwide.

Beings from any dimension, galaxy, or universe are welcome to gather at Trippindales for some adult-themed entertainment complemented by a gourmet menu of exotic hallucinogens from across the multiverse. Even Rick and Morty are expected to stop by for the epic Grand Opening.

Granted, this trip is a little bit different than the journey Jets fans were expecting to experience throughout the 2023 NFL season. Their season was over after only four offensive snaps, but that doesn’t mean they have to stay grounded in reality. Rodgers wants to help them lift their spirits after being blindsided by heartbreak.

On September 11th, it was the silence heard around the world as all eyeballs watched Grandpa Rodgers falling to the ground after a viciously calculated attack. Rodgers laid helplessly in ruins, defeated by the evil turf of JetLife stadium.

Sadly, this moment proved to be the Achilles heel of the season for the Jets. This day will live on in infamy for Jets fans all over the world. Hell, even casual football fans will never forget where they were on 9/11 while witnessing the collapse of tower No. 8.

As is usually the case, Rodgers remains optimistic. After all, a true battle-tested warrior never lets a petty heel injury stop them from positive manifestation. Rodgers even has his eye on an early return to the battlefield this season thanks to an experimental SpeedBridge procedure.

The only problem with that mentality is the Jets would actually have to make the playoffs for Rodgers to make a meaningful return to the field this season. Perhaps Rodgers is mixing his ayahuasca a little too strong because the 2023 Jets are currently sitting at 2-3.

Playoffs? You kidding me? Mr. Rodgers, you play in the same neighborhood as the Miami Dolphins and the Buffalo Bills. You and the rest of your fleet of single-engine Cessnas should just worry about getting to .500 for now. Don’t talk about playoffs.

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Zach Wilson Seeks Travis Kelce’s Mom’s Number Following New York Jets’ Loss to Kansas City Chiefs

October 3, 2023May 20, 2024 Harvey Ballbanger

Zach Wilson almost shocked the world with a near victory over the Kansas City Chiefs on Sunday Night Football. Wilson finally showed some spunk, looking like the former No. 2 overall pick he was drafted to be. But no one saw the New York Jets QB’s biggest play of the night, which actually came after the game ended.

A Fly On The Ball in the Jets’ facility reports Wilson stepped foot in the film room this week, knowing a special guest would be in the house. Despite the extra preparation, Wilson still had pre-game jitters thanks to a heightened desire to perform for what he hoped to be his new dime piece.

Did you think we were talking about Taylor Swift? She’s just not Wilson’s type. He’s never been a Swiftie, plus Wilson prefers a bit more seasoning on his chalupa.

Instead, Wilson had his eye on Travis Kelce’s mom, Donna Kelce, who attended the Chiefs-Jets game from a private suite at MetLife Stadium. If you look closely, you can see Wilson winking at her after each completion.

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Sean Payton Searches Denver Broncos Lost and Found for Locker Room

September 27, 2023December 9, 2023 Buzz McFly

It’s no secret around the NFL that Sean Payton is turning in the absolute worst coaching job in the history of the league this season. After an embarrassing Week 3 blowout at the hands of the Miami Dolphins to the tune of 70-20, the 2023 Denver Broncos have already checked out on their coach and teammates.

This season’s results shouldn’t be much of a surprise to anyone following the Broncos since the clickbait hire of crybaby Payton during the offseason. First, Payton threw the previous regime under the bus, as pointed out by A Fly On The Ball a few weeks ago. That takes brass balls, which Payton clearly doesn’t have but he did it anyway.

You see, the NFL coaching pool is a tight-knit fraternity. They stand up for each other and look out for each other. On top of that, they understand each other. When somebody throws one of their own to the wolves, the rest of the pack takes notice.

By declaring former Broncos coach Nathanial Hackett’s 2022 squad as the “worst-coached team in football”, you can only imagine how much crow Payton was eating on the evening of September 24, 2023. As if the 50-point deficit wasn’t enough, the entire internet made the same exact joke toward Payton and his miserable coaching job.

When asked about the significance of the Broncos’ historic loss to the Fins, Payton’s response was running a bit thin on patience, to say the least. The good news is he’s aware of the historical significance, the bad news for Broncos fans is their franchise is still the worst-coached team in football.

You can watch Payton’s post-game press conference for more details. He really just wants to know what the question is, regardless of being aware of his historic loss as well as his previous comments and the lingering effect they are having.

You can clearly see the lack of accountability from the Broncos head coach. Sadly, he sets the tone for the entire team but what else should you expect from a guy who had to use under-the-table bribes to win his only Super Bowl?

After the blowout loss to the Dolphins, it’s clear that nobody wants to play for Blockhead Coach Payton anymore. A Fly On The Ball in the Broncos locker room reports the problems really began percolating when Payton began publicly throwing quarterback Russell Wilson under the bus.

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Entire Minnesota Vikings Team Reported Missing

September 26, 2023May 10, 2024 Buzz McFly

Viking Ship Struck By Lightning On Home Turf

Before the 2023 NFL season began, if you told any Minnesota Vikings fan that they would be 0-3 after Week 3, they would have asked you what you’re smoking. After all, the Vikings went 13-4 in 2022 while boasting an impressive 11-0 record in one-score games. They even completed the biggest comeback in NFL history against the Indianapolis Colts.

Then, you have to ask yourself, what kind of a team falls behind 33-0 against the 2022 Colts in the first place? That should have been the first red flag but many Vikings fans were basking in denial over being the fastest bicycle with training wheels.

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How the Miami Dolphins Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone This Year

September 22, 2023December 20, 2023 Buzz McFly

Tua Tagovailoa Celebrates Birth of Son Named Bill Belichick

With a healthy Tua Tagovailoa, the Miami Dolphins should have no trouble getting balls deep in that end zone for the remainder of this season and beyond. The bigger challenge will be finding a way to keep Tua’s head in the game. That burden falls on the shoulders of the Dolphins’ offensive line.

So far, so good. Mike McDaniel’s scheme is righteous. His press conferences are must-see TV. Too bad Hard Knocks can’t get this guy on there, it might actually boost ratings. As for the Dolphins’ ability to slip it in there, it’s mating season in South Beach.

This offense is rolling. The Dolphins have jet-ski wideouts in Tyreek Hill and Jaylen Waddle. Tagovailoa has been lighting up the skies with his aerial attack. Even the ground attack is getting the job done when called upon.

After all, the Dolphins are 2-0 after taking down the New England Patriots in primetime on Sunday Night Football in Week 2 of the 2023 NFL season. Tagovailoa absolutely owns the Patriots in his career thus far, boasting a perfect 5-0 record against the once-mighty AFC East dynasty.

Ironically, Tagovailoa celebrated the birth of his second child on Sunday night. The newborn arrived minutes after emerging victorious over the Patriots for the fifth time in a row.

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Brandon Staley Calls Fire Department To Report Flames Under His Seat

September 21, 2023December 16, 2023 Buzz McFly

Los Angeles Chargers Head Coach Already On Hot Seat

What happens when you are a defensive-minded head coach in the NFL who has one of the elite young quarterbacks in the league? High expectations. Both the fans and front office expect the defense to keep its young gunslinger in every single game. Unfortunately, for Brandon Staley and the Los Angeles Chargers, Justin Herbert can’t sling it and play defense. It’s not his job.

Things haven’t exactly been going smoothly for the Bolts this season, which only adds fuel to the fire after the Chargers lost their Wild Card playoff game in historical fashion last season. Even Staley is feeling the pressure, which is why he called his local fire department to report flames under his seat after watching film of his squad’s latest loss.

Once the fire department arrived, they could not find any signs of a potential fire whatsoever. As a result, the LAFD recommended Staley seek professional help to help him with his panic attacks, Todd Haley-level paranoia, and hallucinogenic trauma. Even the LAFD can see the writing on the wall, they want him fired just as much as the rest of Los Angeles.

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How Patrick Mahomes and the Kansas City Chiefs Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone This Year

September 13, 2023December 21, 2023 Buzz McFly

Yikes. The 2023 NFL Season kicked off with an upset and it’s no secret Patrick Mahomes looks like he’s in mid-season form. He was slinging it like the MVP he is out there but somehow the Kansas City Chiefs couldn’t get balls deep in the end zone like they’re used to.

On a Thursday night season opener in a very hostile Arrowhead Stadium, the Detroit Lions came out of the locker room ready to get physical. They played hard-nosed football for 60 minutes but even they tried to give the Chiefs the game several times.

While marching down the field and shoving the football down the throats of the Chiefs’ defense during the 2023 NFL Season Kickoff Game, the Lions Goffed up a snap and somehow recovered. Then, just as Lions fans could taste the end zone, Marvin Jones Jr. Goffed up the football to give Mahomes another chance. That’s when things got a little weird.

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