Category: Sports Celebrity Roast

🪰 Come Get A Parody’s Nuts With A Fly On The Ball Sports Celebrity Roast🪰 The Latest Sports News Comedy As Heard By A Fly On The Ball 💩

Tom Brady’s Last Pass? Not Another Comeback Story

Buzz McFly
Tom Brady's Last Pass? Not Another Comeback Story

What is it with you humans and golf courses? Seriously, you treat the land of 18 holes like it’s such a leisurely place but it’s actually really dangerous. For Pete’s sake.

Little known fact, Pete was a fly. True story. He used to deliver two scoops from the fresh pile every day before one of you bipedal fucks killed him with a fucking fly ball. Imagine the irony. Rest in Pete, buddy. For Pete’s sake.

In other sports news, yet another victim was physically assaulted by a celebrity who’s probably going to get away with it, Scott Free. That was the victim’s name, Scott Free. He was a cousin of Harvey Ballbanger here at A Fly On The Ball. Scott is currently in critical condition after Tom Brady violently attacked him at the golf course.

Scott was just trying to get the latest scoop from the freshest pile regarding whether we’ve seen Tom Brady’s last pass or not. There has been so much talk and speculation about whether Tommy Twelve is really hanging them up for good or if he’s going to lace them up one last time.

It seems to be getting on Tom’s nerves a bit. Everywhere you look, another headline reads, “Is Tom Brady Coming Out of Retirement?” Tommy can’t even enjoy a peaceful fucking day at the golf course anymore. That’s a quote, or at least that’s what other flies think they heard Tommy say before the splat happened. For Pete’s sake.

Wherever Tom goes, people recognize him. Unfortunately for Tom Brady, so do flies. Reliable eyewitnesses in the fly community saw Tom Brady take several swings at an innocent bystander, violently. The victim, a sports-crazed and self-described Tom Brady superfan, is a 15-day-old innocent fucking housefly who was in the prime of his life.

Other buzzworthy eyewitnesses say Scott was just minding his own business while being awestruck by the sight of Tom Brady at his local country club. Brady allegedly pulled a Microsoft Surface Pro out of his golf cart, saw something, and became very irritable with the flick of a switch.

Enjoying The Laughs? Grab A Parody’s Nuts with The Official A Fly On The Ball Gear

Tom Brady Swings Violently At Innocent Bystander

At the same time Tom was checking his tablet, Scott Free, an innocent flystander, was buzzing closer to Brady while trying to catch a glimpse of the screen. This is when Tom began swinging violently at Scott, several times.

Multiple eyewitnesses at the scene saw Scott get knocked unconscious by Tom’s bare hand while using a backslapping motion. Lipreaders report they saw him say, “Take that, bitch!” Scott fell to the turf, instantly. Then, there was a lot of commotion as Tom threw his Microsoft Surface Pro. 

The tablet eventually landed on top of the knocked-out victim. One unconscious fly and a broken tablet screen with a headline displaying, “Tom Brady would ‘love nothing more’ than to return to the NFL”  were all that remained at the scene. 

The victim had to be airlifted to the nearest emergency trauma center. Authorities are still on the lookout for the suspect. 

Eyewitnesses saw a man wearing a Tom Brady jersey fleeing the scene in an Aston Martin golf cart. As the golf cart driver was flashing his middle finger to onlooking gawkers, he proceeded to do a string of donuts that carved the number 12 in the putting green of hole eight. 

Several eyewitnesses were able to count seven extremely gaudy rings on both of the suspect’s hands. For what it’s worth, there was also a bag of footballs in the back of the golf cart with the words “Perfect Balls” written in permanent marker on the cloth fabric.

Reports are unclear at this time but it’s been confirmed that Scott Free’s wings have been clipped for good. Sadly, he’ll never fly again. Have a drink for Scott next time you go wheels up. Poor buddy has been grounded for life, bro. Rest in pieces, Scott.

Seriously, what more do you need? Suspect? This publication might be legally obligated to say “suspect” when mentioning eyewitness accounts, but come on already. This guy is fucking guilty! Tommy got fingered! Fine though, in an effort to leave personal bias at the flytrap, it’s time to deliver the latest sports news with the twist of a steamy fresh pile.

Regarding Tom Brady’s coming out of retirement talk, there’s been a lot of empty steam coming from fresh piles all over the country. Some flies out there are just as manipulative and deceptive as the 1919 Chicago White Sox. You just can’t trust them.

For example, there is a certain group of flies who frequent South Beach claiming they can smell steam gathering for a Tom Brady unretirement party with the Miami Dolphins. Really? As a minority owner of the Las Vegas Raiders, how would that work? Dumbasses.

Meanwhile, should Jimmy Garoppolo be looking over his shoulder in Vegas? It wouldn’t be the first time Tommy ran Jimmy out of town and as everyone knows, America loves a great Tom Brady comeback story.

Well, don’t place your bets just yet. If his recent divorce is any indicator, Tom Brady might not be good at commitment. It’s probably the only thing Tom doesn’t knock out of the park, besides porn auditions that is. For Pete’s sake, Tom. Put some fucking clothes on.

Believe it or not, his well-publicized side hustle as an aspiring but aging adult film amateur doesn’t appear to matter to some fanbases. Many fans insist their team is ready to make a commitment to the 45-year-old, avocado ice cream eating goat.

Perhaps Tom Brady gets so frustrated about the speculation because he wants to play but he just doesn’t have it anymore. Before Scott ended up in the ER, he was working on this story:

“It’s late Sunday afternoon but this isn’t just another spiritual or religious gathering on the Lord’s Day. No. This is a transcendent experience. This is a conversion. From this day forward, your new idol will throw a laced oval-shaped leather ball because for the first time in your life, you are going to witness greatness.

For Tom Brady, playing on a late Sunday afternoon in February is nothing new. It’s the norm. Except, something feels off this particular Sunday afternoon in February. There’s a bitter chill in the air and everyone can feel it. 

Everyone except Tom Brady. He has ice in his fucking balls. He’s ready for the big game. He’s always ready for the big game.

It’s Sunday, February 12, 2023. The clock reads 6:30 p.m. Eastern. The stadium is full of roaring fans and plenty of them have had more than their fair share of a few adult beverages. Who could blame them? It’s fucking Super Bowl Sunday!

It’s almost time for kickoff and players are waiting to emerge from the tunnels, hopefully ready to play the game of their life. It’s now or never. Guts or glory. Stragglers must be left behind. You must leave it all on the field or face the utterly crushing disappointment of your coach and teammates.

Continue reading “Tom Brady’s Last Pass? Not Another Comeback Story”
Post Views: 48

Kirk Cousins Working On Rap Album Titled ‘You Like That’

Harvey Ballbanger
Kirk Cousins, Kirk Cousins rap album

If there’s one athlete no one wants to hear a rap album from, it’s Kirk Cousins, quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings. Yet, sometimes the world has a way of giving us what we want the least. 

The next Spotify artist to pop up on your Release Radar is an up-and-comer out of Barrington, Illinois, who also shouts out Holland, Michigan. But his latest musical inspiration comes from another area up north. 

The artist in question specializes in hip hop, and his moniker is Kirko Chainz, but most know him as Kirk Cousins, starting QB of the Minnesota Vikings. Buzz from the music studio suggests Cousins is working on a rap album, which will be the first of his career.

Kirk Cousins’ Rap Album Tracklist Revealed

The tracklist, which is a work in progress due to musicians being hard at work, deep into their creative process, lost in the sauce, fried off the finest indicas, enhanced by the wildest psychedelics recommended by Aaron Rodgers’ guy, includes a few notable gems.

One that will stick out to football fans is conveniently track No. 14. We’re unsure how many songs the album will have, but this one specifically said it was track No. 14. This could be a coincidence, but the song is titled “Snitch Bitch.”

Of course, Stefon Diggs, Cousins’ former teammate who wanted a trade from the Vikings, wears No. 14. One ballbanger who caught a few notes breezing in the wind overhead Cousins rapping the words “Traded you to Buffalo once you became a whiny bitch. Everyone knows 18 would never turn snitch.” Cousins can even be seen doing the Griddy during the music video while rapping the words. 

Looking for funny Minnesota Vikings fantasy football team names?

Cousins, who likely winces at each swear word heard on the music waves, wasn’t afraid to let the f-bombs fly when his alter ego Kirko Chainz takes over in the booth, bringing out a new side few have gotten a glimpse of.

For those who managed to stay with the rollercoaster season that saw the Vikings play 12 one-score games in 2023, there was no cockier figure than Cousins. He’d start the season by getting a brand-new whip, and the previously dormant devout Christian suddenly had a new off-field persona, where he’d be seen strutting around the team plane with his shirt off, even wearing other athletes’ lavish thousand-dollar chains around his neck.

As far as we know, making rap music is yet another new territory for the soon-to-be 35-year-old QB. Who knows? The four-time Pro Bowler is headed into the final year of his contract with the Vikings. It’s possible that Cousins, widely regarded as one of the most financially wise players in pro sports history, could be thinking about life after football.

Craving more Ballbangers? – Kirk Cousins Rap Album Leaks Vikings Diss Tracks

As we’ve seen far too many times than we’d like to admit, life comes at you fast. Even one of the NFL’s trendsetters doesn’t know when his health will force him into retirement. 

He can plan to play as long as he wants, but if teams don’t come calling when free agency arrives, Cousins will have no choice but to hang up his cleats. This will lead him down a natural path toward picking up the microphone to spit more bars and inevitably clap the cheeks. Once the rap game gets a taste of his talent, the Kirko Chainz fans will demand more content. We’ve never been more sure of anything in our lives.

Will you be getting Kirk Cousins’ rap album, titled You Like That By Kirko Chainz, when it arrives on streaming devices? We won’t be able to resist finding out what other beef may be revealed or which brand of jeans he prefers.

More Minnesota Vikings Sports Satire – 3 Reasons Why the Minnesota Vikings Will Never Win a Super Bowl

Enjoy The Laughs? Grab A Parody’s Nuts with The Official A Fly On The Ball Gear

Post Views: 112

LeBron James Absolutely Prefers Watching NBA Finals Over Competing at 38 Years Old

Harvey Ballbanger
LeBron James, NBA Finals

For the tenth time in his career, LeBron James has chosen not to participate in the NBA Finals. With four championship rings sitting at home, you won’t hear even a buzz of the 19-time All-Star being interested in another NBA title run any time soon.

After the Los Angeles Lakers’ 58th failure to win an NBA championship, the complacent James is once again gleefully settling back into his imprinted couch groove, where he could be found in each of the past three years, an annual trend at this point in the former high school great’s career.

Despite the NBA’s desire for James to play on the Association’s biggest stage, evidenced by the Lakers having the highest free throw differential in 2023, this is a player-driven league. The Lakers have enough titles, and James isn’t in it for the accolades. He’s made that clear several times.

Enjoying The Laughs? Grab A Parody’s Nuts with The Official A Fly On The Ball Gear

Nothing LeBron James Would Rather Do Than Watch NBA Finals

At this point, after being in the league for 20 seasons, there is nothing James would rather do than watch the NBA Finals instead of competing for a chance to win another clunky championship ring. 

After all, he’s managed to avoid having to lift the roughly 30-pound Larry O’Brien Trophy in 16-of-20 NBA seasons. Now 38 years old, that additional day of lifting takes a true toll on the wilting former Florida resident. 

Life hasn’t been entirely miserable for James since Adam Silver took over as commissioner from David Stern in 2014. Under Silver’s control, James has only had to lift the NBA Finals Trophy once. Meanwhile, James’ hand was forced three times under Stern’s narrative. 

Somehow, Silver fooled the public in 2020, sneaking everyone away to a concealed bubble and rigging the system so James had to take the trophy home one last time. But the former Cleveland Cavaliers’ No. 1 pick hadn’t forgotten his roots. 

Later, in 2023, when the Lakers would be locked into paying him $44.4 million whether James led L.A. to an NBA Finals appearance or not, LBJ finally put his foot down and made sure the Lakers wouldn’t stand a chance of advancing to the final stage by once again putting together a roster of misfits. 

The thing is, he already played 55 games during the regular season and 16 more in the playoffs. Anything more than that, and James runs the risk of nearly playing a full 82-game season. That’s just not enticing for the 2004 NBA Rookie of the Year. Where’s the incentive? 

Get the latest Buzz: Did Bob Myers Reject Golden State Warriors’ Record Offer to Focus on Golf?

James Less Grumpy When He Can Rest in June

Besides, based on several local ballbangers close to the situation, James is emotionally in a much better place when he can get his rest days at the start of June when the NBA’s best are playing for a chance at a title. 

James is a massive basketball fan, and June is when enthusiasts can tune into the biggest NBA event of the season. Who wouldn’t want to be in your element (for James, that’s at home) during one of the most-anticipated matchups of the year? That’s when the greats are at work. 

Of course, James’ early vacation is in addition to taking several millennial days off in-season, where the Akron, Ohio native has masterfully gone 19 years without playing all 82 games.

Instead of being forced to play by the league office, James gets to enjoy a few brewskis with the fellas or just get couch-locked when the edibles kick in as he sails smoothly into the evening while binge-watching something on Netflix. 

The Chosen One lives on his own terms. Jumping when he chooses, firing teammates on sight, and making trades when someone gets too close to uncovering his plot. These are the facts. 

James may return to the NBA Finals later in his career, but it won’t be by choice. He’d much rather be at home, watching the greatest athletes of our generation put it all on the line as they chase their dream, making the kind of memories true fans of the game will never be able to forget instead.

As we know, sitting out of the Finals is what he’s best at, even if he’s led some misinformed sports ‘fans’ to believe otherwise. And that’s why LeBron James is the GOAT. 

Continue reading “LeBron James Absolutely Prefers Watching NBA Finals Over Competing at 38 Years Old”
Post Views: 39

NFL Insiders Preparing for Shift to Flag Football

Buzz McFly
NFL Flag Football

It’s the offseason which means the NFL has nothing better to do with their time. While twiddling their thumbs over cocktails at the annual spring meeting, team owners approved a new kickoff rule without any regard for the fans or the game itself.

The new kickoff rule essentially eliminates the return game as a weapon in special teams. Each year, the NFL takes steps to drastically reduce the chances of another Bill Belichick ever rising through the ranks by eliminating special teams altogether.

Belichick cut his teeth in the NFL as an assistant special teams coach with the Detroit Lions and Denver Broncos back in the 1970s. He continued his journey as the New York Giants‘ special teams coordinator from 1979 to 1984. Today, the entire football world pretty much agrees that Bill Belichick of the New England Patriots is the goat of NFL head coaches in the modern era, if not of all time.

However, he got his humble beginnings as an assistant special teams coordinator. If there is anybody in the entire league who understands the importance of special teams, it’s Billy Goat. Ask Belichick a question about anything related to the game that was just played and you will be stonewalled with a cold blank stare or a response so short, you’ll miss it if you blink.

However, Billy Goat once famously gave a 1,039-word response to a question about what it was like for Gino Cappelletti to kick field goals back in the 1960s. The fucking sixties, man. Billy Goat would have been a schoolboy at the time.

A friend of a friend was buzzing around one of the Super Bowl game balls on Belichick’s mantle when news broke of the kickoff rule changes. Rumor has it, his facial expression was unchanged but there was a sense of disappointment in the air to complement the stench of second-hand clam chowder fumes.

Other coaches went public with their displeasure over the rule changes. Andy Reid, the head coach of the defending Super Bowl champion Kansas City Chiefs, didn’t hold back his suspicions while addressing the press through the league-owned NFL Network.

“My thing is, where does it stop, right?” Reid said. “We start taking pieces and we’ll see how this goes. But you don’t want to take too many pieces away, or you’ll be playing flag football.”

Is there a conspiracy brewing in Roger Goodell’s favorite coffee? Big Red is suggesting there might be a plan in place to gradually shift the game toward flag football permanently. Fans are in an uproar as reported by flies hovering around fresh steamy piles all over the world. Nobody wants to see the game become more suitable for fucking pussies.

Current and former players are chiming in on the issue right now. Pat McAfee, a former punting and drunken skinny-dipping standout of the Indianapolis Colts, gave zero fucks with his on-the-record response, “It’s the most amateur, bush-league-looking bullshit I have seen in a long time when it comes to the NFL.”

This really shouldn’t come as a surprise to people who have been following the rule changes of the game over the past few decades. The NFL has essentially made grabassin’ illegal, as outgoing Washington Commanders owner Dan Snyder can attest to.

In the past, other rule changes have sparked outrage amongst the most elite NFL alumni members. Other players have come out in full support of making the game as safe as possible, even if that includes bubble wrap and manicures. 

The NFL’s own golden boy, Brett Favre, chimed in on the state of the game recently as well. It seems as though he supports the NFL’s eventual shift to flag football.

“You have to believe that every time a kid is tackled, that she or he is doing detrimental things to their brain that may be irreversible.” Favre continued, “That is really scary.”

When he’s not busy putting all the mustard on it, Favre still manages to stay in the headlines years after the glory of his playing days have long gone. He really can do no wrong, so it makes sense that he’s in on the conspiracy to swap the NFL rulebook out for a flag football manual.

From his upstanding off-field reputation combined with his Super Bowl winning year in Green Bay to his unforgettable season as a New York Jet, you’d have to dig really deep to find any dirt on one of the greatest cheeseheads to ever grace the gridiron. That’s probably why the league is using Brett Favre as the player safety spokesperson for their shift to flag football.

Continue reading “NFL Insiders Preparing for Shift to Flag Football”
Post Views: 1,331

Will Bob Myers Reject Golden State Warriors’ Record Offer to Focus on Golf?

Buzz McFly
Bob Myers

If you’re reading this right now, you might be in the same boat as Bob Myers, the president and GM of the Golden State Warriors. Do you seriously have nothing better to do right now than sniff around this pile?

Well, whatever you’re doing, you’d probably rather be playing golf. That’s what Bob Myers would rather do than deal with the upcoming decisions looming the once proud modern day dynasty that is the Dubs. I heard it through a friend of a friend who was buzzing around the back nine where Bob was swinging his clubs when the Warriors’ extension offer came through. 

He allegedly read the offer and proceeded to give his tee shot a wicked slice that went into the rough. Bob was not pleased, to say the least. There were some profanities followed by a club that went flying toward a fellow fly. Apparently, the club appeared to have been bent over a knee, violently.

Some of the words heard included frustrated rumblings regarding why somebody would have the nerve to bother somebody at the fucking golf course. There were bits about needing more time to work on their golf game and even what seemed like pointed comments regarding the new CBA and how the aging Warriors are fucked.

Continue reading “Will Bob Myers Reject Golden State Warriors’ Record Offer to Focus on Golf?”
Post Views: 1,229

Why Do the Arizona Diamondbacks Keep Murdering Birds?

Harvey Ballbanger
Arizona Diamondbacks

What is it with the Arizona Diamondbacks and murdering birds? It’s clearly been a long-instilled principle of the franchise that was founded back in 1998. Yet their urges to commit violent acts managed to go unnoticed until 2001 when hitman Randy Johnson pulled off the crime of the century before millions of witnesses. 

Johnson used his flamethrowing fastball, which topped out at 102 mph, to absolutely blow up an anonymous bird. When tried to reach for comment, not a single birder doing a big year was willing to speak on the matter. 

Obviously, we are at the foot of a major coverup, folks.

Yet, the D-Bags seem to think everyone had forgotten about when Randy Johnson’d a bird and have found another crony willing to stoop to their levels. 

In his fifth season with the D-Backs, poor Zac Gallen has been caught red-handed trying to drastically reduce the population of the feathered flying critters. 

Check out this clip of Gallen totally Randy Johnsoning a bird during a pre-game warmup on May 17.

What’s really crazy, and how we KNOW something is fishy here, is that Gallen didn’t even take the mound that day. It was supposed to be his day off. 

So why is he randomly going around, putting on pre-game circus acts like he’s part of the Harlem Globetrotters? This season has proven we’re in Zac Gallen’s world, not one catered to the winged wankers.

Not all members of the Diamondbacks have completely bought into the organizational mantra, which, as you’re probably well aware, is to hunt birds. Yet, these snakes still managed to find two hired guns in Johnson and Gallen, to carry out their vision.

Johnson raked in a whopping $84 million from 1998-2005 with the Diamondbacks. Gallen is set to earn $5.6 million in 2023, but now that he’s thrown his way into the Randy Johnson bird club, is it enough?

Unlike the Arizona Diamondbacks, no birds were harmed in the making of this article. 

This article was 100% satire, and nothing you have read on this page should be taken seriously.

Enjoying The Laughs? Grab A Parody’s Nuts with The Official A Fly On The Ball Gear

Craving more Ballbangers? – Pop Warner Parent Bails on Son’s Football Game at Halftime After ‘Too Much Disappointment’

Post Views: 1,155