Category: Football

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3 Reasons Why Dallas Cowboys Will Miss Playoffs

Buzz McFly
Typical Dallas Cowboys Fan

The 2023 NFL Season Will Be a Failure for the ‘Boys

Summer just officially began which means training camp is already less than a month away for most NFL franchises. For the Dallas Cowboys, it’s just business as usual as they are set to report to camp on July 26th in Oxnard, California. Training camp will run through August 15th for the ‘Boys, it is open to the public and completely free to attend.

Now, who’s ready for some Cowboys football? If there’s one thing you can be certain of, Jerry Jones and the entire Dallas Cowboys fan base have Super Bowl expectations. They do every single year, even though they haven’t won shit in nearly three decades. 

Yet, Cowboys fans do have bragging rights to five Super Bowl wins in their impressive and rich football history. So, why shouldn’t they be optimistic? As one of the most recognizable brands in all of sports, let alone football, they know how to do a line with the best of them.

Putting aside their almost cult-like delusions, being a Cowboys fan is more like a religion than a group of fanatics. Cowboys fans don’t go to church on Sunday morning, at least not in their hearts. They certainly don’t follow Jesus unless he wears a blue star on his helmet. However, when the ‘Boys lose, real tears are shed. Dem’s the facts.

Those are real emotions because Cowboys fans are one of the most passionate groups you will find in all of sports. They care, and they want to win, like most fans. Unfortunately for all Cowboys fans, every season has been like visiting an empty Jerry Jones glory hole since the last time they hoisted the Lombardi trophy in 1996.

They sure do things differently in Texas. They say things differently too. I’ve never been to a glory hole, but it’s pretty clear this is an activity that every single Dallas Cowboys fan on the planet participates in.

In Dallas, glory holes have not only been normalized, everybody seems to be insensitive to Jerry’s long-standing obsession with getting sucked off by a stranger. Whomever it may be.

Anyway, back to football for a minute here. In recent years, there have been glimpses of promise followed by failure after failure to get the job done in the playoffs. From Dak Prescott putting up MVP-like numbers one season to looking pedestrian in 2022, the Cowboys and their fans are no strangers to riding a roller-coaster.

There have been several mishaps along the way, such as fucking up with the Ezekiel Elliot contract extension in 2019. That ridiculous six-year, $90-million contract was so bad the Cowboys cut Elliot this off-season. He’s still standing in the unemployment line. That’s how bad Jerry’s eye for talent has become.

Jones literally handed a bum 90 million dollars to go stand in the unemployment line. That’s a far cry from the dynasty Jerry built in the early 1990s by ripping off the Minnesota Vikings in the Herschel Walker trade.

Sadly, that Ezekiel Elliot contract remains a lingering problem in the NFL. It really began with Zeke’s former contract that eventually ballooned into the Christian McCaffrey nightmare that David “Zero Fucks” Tepper screwed the entire running back market over with.

But that’s in the past now as even the Carolina Panthers have moved on from CMC. Meanwhile, Dalvin Cook, Saquon Barkley, Josh Jacobs, and many others are paying the price for these terrible moves that all started with the Dallas fucking Cowboys. DEM BOYS!!!! Way to go, morons.

However, with that being said, the current Cowboys roster has some talent on it. Is it enough talent to win a few games with? Probably. If they can stay healthy at some key positions (Micah Parsons) they might even win more than five or six games. But, do the ‘Boys have enough talent to make the playoffs? 

On paper, they might. However, as everybody in the suddenly-competitive NFC East knows, football games aren’t won on paper. These battles play out from the inside out. They begin in the trenches and are finished in the end zones. That’s NFC East football in a nutshell.

In reality, where everybody in the NFC East outside of Dallas resides, the Cowboys ain’t shit! If you want to know why the Dallas Cowboys will not make the playoffs in 2023, the real question is, how much time do you have? 

There are countless reasons why the ‘Boys will miss the playoffs. However, A Fly On The Ball will focus on these top 3 reasons why the Dallas Cowboys will not make the playoffs:

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5 New Features Coming to Madden NFL 24

Harvey Ballbanger
Madden NFL 24

Every fucking year, EA Sports hypes up the new version of the only football game with NFL licensing, giving access to actual players and actual teams instead of a fictional creation that no one would reasonably believe is real, like a player named Christian Kuntz or a team that has no purpose, like the Houston Texans. 

By now, you’ve probably put your brain cell to work, realizing we’re talking about Madden NFL 24, set to release on August 18, 2023. This year, the folks at A Fly On The Ball decided to pick up the slack from the EA Sports team, hyping up the Madden series for them since they’re no longer the most popular video game in the United States. 

Since EA Sports can’t seem to get their heads out of their collective asses, we put together a quick article highlighting five unique features coming to Madden NFL 24 this August. We think gamers will be thrilled to get their pricks on the sticks later this season once they finally figure out what’s in store. Let us know if you agree in the comments below. 

Flag Football Mode

As award-winning esteemed reporter Buzz McFly recently highlighted, flag football is coming to the NFL. It’s inevitable. Madden NFL 24 gets the party started early by bringing a flag football mode to their showcase. Just like the NFL, tackling has been removed from the game completely.

Imagine finally being able to play a simulation football game where there isn’t a single big hit or tackle that makes you go, “OOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!” Wouldn’t that be special? The advanced minds at EA Sports think so too.

Finally, gamers won’t have to worry about injuring their hated rivals by kindly and very gently tapping the ‘X’ button to attempt to pull the flag off the ball carrier. What a thrill. 

Imagine the pure exhilaration when you’re dashing by an opponent, and they don’t get your flag. Wow. What a deal. This is the peak right here. But believe it or not, there are other features gamers may be looking forward to even more than the industry-changing flag football mode this year. 

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Be A Fan Mode

Haven’t you ever wanted to just be a fan? Imagine being able to go through a full 18-week season, sitting in the stands for all four quarters, including halftime of every single game, plus doing whatever the fuck you want during the bye. There are no fast-forwards, simulation tools, or quick-play buttons here, just like real life. Wow, they’ve really thought of everything!

Pay for your seats using real money, and see if you can work your way up to sitting on the sidelines like a champion or get used to sitting in the cheap seats like a total fucking loser. The choice is yours in Madden NFL 24.

You won’t quite have to deal with annoying vendors offering you complementary hot dogs or watered-down beverages to quench your thirst after you’ve been putting in work, soaking up the sun, or freezing your titsicles off. Instead, mealtime is your responsibility that you deal with at your own discretion, but remember; you can’t pause this game mode. 

The idea is to cheer on your favorite team, trying to jack off the decibel level in-stadium while aiming to break your own personal bests. Who can be the loudest? That’s for the fans to decide! Yell your heart out. Your neighbors will surely understand that you’re just living your best life, playing Madden NFL 24, trying to earn the ‘Loudmouth Achievement.’ 

Just make sure you’re cheering your loudest at all times. You don’t want to be the sole reason your team misses the playoffs after Week 18, just because someone was being a pansy instead of giving it their all. Gamers can even party up and cheer with their friends in group gangbang sessions that will leave zero questions unanswered amongst your peers.

Superstar Mode Tweaks – Isaiah Rodgers Simulation Experience

It’s recently come to our attention that the life we have been living in the game of Madden in Superstar Mode is nowhere near close to reality. NFL players have been going behind our backs for years, apparently with the ability to place sports bets whenever they like, wherever they please. Meanwhile, I’ve spent countless hours in Madden, trying to unlock every achievement and trophy possible, and I still can’t get the betting feature unlocked. 

But since sports gambling has become a major part of the average NFL player’s day-to-day life, we fully anticipate the feature becoming easier to find in Madden NFL 24. 

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How Kneeling Led to NFL Popularity Being at an All-Time High

Harvey Ballbanger
NFL

Despite Tom Brady’s unforeseen retirement, the NFL’s popularity is at an all-time high heading into the 2023 season. There isn’t a single indicator suggesting otherwise. How did we get here? It’s actually quite obvious. 

Rewind back to September 1, 2016, when San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick took a knee during the national anthem to call attention to police brutality and racial inequality issues. 

Despite the effort gaining steam from athletes in the NFL and sports worldwide, Kaepernick’s decision to kneel drew the ire of several others who were completely butthurt by the act.

Kaepernick’s movement would be intensely amplified by several other NFL athletes joining in after former President Donald Trump took offense to the gesture and criticized the movement, leading to over 130 players kneeling or sitting just on one NFL Sunday. Here were Trump’s comments that sparked the increased volume of participants: 

“Wouldn’t you love to see one of these NFL owners, when somebody disrespects our flag, to say, ‘Get that son of a bitch off the field right now, out? He’s fired. You know, some owner is going to do that. He’s gonna say, ‘That guy disrespects our flag, he’s fired.’ And that owner, they don’t know it. They don’t know it. They’re friends of mine, many of them. They don’t know it. They’ll be the most popular person, for a week. They’ll be the most popular person in the country.”

Of course, the former president failed to realize that Kaepernick was never protesting the national anthem or the American flag. He just wanted to protest police brutality and racial inequality. Yet, it didn’t matter. The faces of certain NFL fans turned red as they turned their ears off and unplugged their televisions so they could get back to their previously scheduled Klan meetings. 

Years later, we still have the receipts of those who said they would no longer watch the NFL from those who planned to boycott the league over the ‘kneeling issue.’ 

According to Sports Insider, Mississippi, Florida, and Iowa hilariously led the charge of states who intended to boycott the NFL. Well, the joke is on them, as they’re too illiterate to understand the NFL has been boycotting Mississippi and Iowa since its inauguration in 1920. And, like Donald Trump, Florida can just go fuck off. Florida sure seemed to be watching when Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers won Super Bowl LV in 2021.

As for the fans who reportedly planned to boycott the NFL? It seems they too have kindly fucked off without anyone noticing their much-appreciated absence. 

Since then, we’ve seen the NFL add another game to their schedule, now playing 17 regular season contests, proving fans crave more football than ever. 

It’s time for these losers to face it. The NFL’s popularity is at an all-time high. Coaches and players are paid more than ever before. The NFL signed their biggest television deal in league history, a contract worth more than $100 billion, and TV ratings are at an all-time high. In fact, no other TV production is able to draw more viewers than an NFL game.

The NFL’s salary cap ballooned again this past offseason to a new record-high $224.8 million per team, per season. Once again, it’s obvious that Colin Kaepernick’s decision to kneel directly led to the NFL’s popularity reaching record highs. Anyone trying to argue otherwise isn’t woke.

But the league’s newfound popularity is not what these ill-advised tweeters were expecting years ago. 

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These Tweets Didn’t Age Well

While all these other tweets are from YEARS ago, this one from Brigitte Gabriel is amazingly from this past April. That is, April of 2023 for an issue that was so seven fucking years ago.

Umm… What the fuck? Does she know Kaepernick hasn’t played in the NFL for over seven years? The 35-year-old QB isn’t a huge threat to bother you on draft day in April, you know, seven fucking years after he’s been on the field. But no, get your dry-ass panties in a bunch about this one, Brigitte. Go get your attention elsewhere because the NFL doesn’t fucking care about you either.

Well, you heard it here first. Football is officially dead, folks. No one likes Patrick Mahomes, seeing Justin Jefferson doing the Griddy, or watching Lamar Jackson put on a dazzling display with his arm and his legs on gameday. No one. Goodbye NFL… Someone no one cares about (Eric Trump) is no longer watching. Oh heavens, how will the league ever recover?

Like Andrew Luck and Mike Pence, we’d leave an Indianapolis Colts game before kickoff too. This is a team that won just four games that season and four games again in 2022, even allowing the largest comeback in NFL history. Luck would walk out for good one year later. But that’s a fresh pile for a different time. 

The point is the NFL has never been bigger than it is today, and we have no one else to thank for this than the kneeling movement, which helped draw more attention to the league than ever before. Because honestly, who gives a fuck about whether someone decides to kneel or stand? Like sitting or standing, it sounds like a personal preference that we couldn’t fucking care less about. Play fucking ball.

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New York Giants Ban Player Parents From Using Social Media

Buzz McFly
New York Giants Funny Fantasy Football Names

There are a lot of teams that love to go public about their Super Bowl aspirations heading into the season every year. Looking at you, Jerry Jones. However, the New York Giants are not one of those teams. At least not this year, and historically, giving other teams bulletin board material has not been encouraged by the Big Blue franchise. 

This year’s Giants are quietly heading into the 2023 NFL season seeking to build upon the success they experienced last year. They are ready to work hard and seem to understand the sacrifices it takes to permanently climb out of the cellar of the NFL to emerge as perennial playoff contenders for the first time in over a decade.

Flies hanging around the Giants’ facilities say there is a buzz in the air they have not felt since the 2007 season. The team is eliminating outside noise while preaching accountability and avoiding distractions.

Over the offseason, the distractions have been kept to a minimum. Many Giants fans are eagerly observing the Saquon Barkley contract situation. It just would not feel right for the New York Giants to experience success in any form without Saquon. Both sides know it. 

Barkley is the special kind of player that should be part of the “once a Giant, always a Giant” reputation the franchise boasts about frequently. So is Dexter Lawrence, and the team took the right step in making it a possibility for Sexy Dexy to stick around for a while this offseason. That man is a fucking beast. Andrew Thomas, you’re next in line for a mega deal. 

The future’s looking bright for the New York Giants for the first time in a very long time. Just when everything was going smooth, an unfortunate off-field incident nearly shook the chemistry of this team apart before the season is even close to getting underway. 

While most of Giants nation celebrated the acquisition of Pro Bowl tight end Darren Waller, one reaction from within the team’s family caused an unnecessary off-field distraction for the entire organization. The franchise has kept a lot of the conversation surrounding the details private.

Flies with eyes on the situation share more details about what’s going on inside the facility. Publicly, the New York Giants aren’t saying shit. Internally? Different story.

From the top down, it’s been communicated to all the players that their parents have been banned from using social media from now on. The social media ban comes in an effort to eliminate potential off-field distractions. It seems there is always one bad apple that ruins it for everyone.

In this case, the player whose father is responsible for the social media ban is none other than promising young tight end Daniel Bellinger. It’s no secret that the New York Giants traded for star tight end Darren Waller in the offseason. Frank Bellinger, the father of Daniel, took offense to the trade, to the point where he got into a verbal altercation with The Athletic’s Tim Graham by slipping into his DMs.

Now, before Frank slips into old Buzz McFly’s DMs, it should be noted that Daniel Bellinger always had a promising future in the NFL, and he still does. Why? Because Daniel works his fucking ass off, he plays smart football, and he holds himself accountable while maintaining an extremely coachable attitude. 

Daniel has a great work ethic, and he is the prototypical definition of a locker room guy. He is also tough as nails. Daniel took a brutal shot to his eye socket that literally fractured his orbital bone against the Jacksonville Jaguars in Week 7 of the New York Giants’ 2022 season. 

The gruesome injury required surgery and resulted in Bellinger seeing double vision without having any beers for a while. Eventually, everything checked out, and Daniel only needed six weeks to get back to playing football, earning him the badass nickname Robocop. That’s one tough sonuvabitch.

It’s understandable why Frank’s pride was hurt. He’s fucking proud of his son, and he should be. His son was born to play tight end in the NFL, and he proves that over and over again, snap after snap. He made it to the big show, and he fucking belongs on the roster of the New York Giants.

However, this is the NFL in 2023. You need to have as many weapons and chess pieces on the field as you can possibly figure out how to use. It certainly doesn’t hurt to have two starting-caliber tight ends on the roster.

This is an opportunity for Daniel to learn from one of the greatest tight ends of this generation. Not to mention, Waller has a clear size, speed, and experience advantage over Daniel at this point. There is a chance this New York Giants offense could be nasty with the weapons they have surrounding Daniel Jones and Barkley. That’s only going to open more doors for Bellinger to showcase his well-rounded skillset.

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Robocop Started Weightlifting and Plays for the New York Giants

Don’t tell that to Daniel Bellinger though. He seems to have developed a WWE-sized chip on his shoulder during the offseason. His teammates must have given him a lot of shit about his dad having to defend Daniel to a reporter. Why? Because Bellinger just showed up to the New York Giants OTAs making Arnold Schwarzenegger look average.

Friends of friends are buzzing around the New York Giants’ OTAs while sensing a different vibe recently. Players seem a little more timid around Bellinger, suddenly. For starters, absolutely nobody is giving Bellinger shit about his dad anymore. In fact, nobody is giving Daniel Bellinger any kind of shit anymore.

Not even Eli Manning. As many of you know, Manning has been bored out of his mind since hitting the unemployment line a few years ago. He spends most of his time around the Giants’ facility these days, keeping every speck of dust off the two Lombardi trophies he helped the team win.

Flies who buzz around the trophies report he stops by the front desk every day to see if they have any job openings for a quarterback. Sorry Eli, word has it the scouting department has their eye on this Chad Powers kid out of Penn State to back Danny Dimes up soon.

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Tom Brady’s Last Pass? Not Another Comeback Story

Buzz McFly
Tom Brady's Last Pass? Not Another Comeback Story

What is it with you humans and golf courses? Seriously, you treat the land of 18 holes like it’s such a leisurely place but it’s actually really dangerous. For Pete’s sake.

Little known fact, Pete was a fly. True story. He used to deliver two scoops from the fresh pile every day before one of you bipedal fucks killed him with a fucking fly ball. Imagine the irony. Rest in Pete, buddy. For Pete’s sake.

In other sports news, yet another victim was physically assaulted by a celebrity who’s probably going to get away with it, Scott Free. That was the victim’s name, Scott Free. He was a cousin of Harvey Ballbanger here at A Fly On The Ball. Scott is currently in critical condition after Tom Brady violently attacked him at the golf course.

Scott was just trying to get the latest scoop from the freshest pile regarding whether we’ve seen Tom Brady’s last pass or not. There has been so much talk and speculation about whether Tommy Twelve is really hanging them up for good or if he’s going to lace them up one last time.

It seems to be getting on Tom’s nerves a bit. Everywhere you look, another headline reads, “Is Tom Brady Coming Out of Retirement?” Tommy can’t even enjoy a peaceful fucking day at the golf course anymore. That’s a quote, or at least that’s what other flies think they heard Tommy say before the splat happened. For Pete’s sake.

Wherever Tom goes, people recognize him. Unfortunately for Tom Brady, so do flies. Reliable eyewitnesses in the fly community saw Tom Brady take several swings at an innocent bystander, violently. The victim, a sports-crazed and self-described Tom Brady superfan, is a 15-day-old innocent fucking housefly who was in the prime of his life.

Other buzzworthy eyewitnesses say Scott was just minding his own business while being awestruck by the sight of Tom Brady at his local country club. Brady allegedly pulled a Microsoft Surface Pro out of his golf cart, saw something, and became very irritable with the flick of a switch.

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Tom Brady Swings Violently At Innocent Bystander

At the same time Tom was checking his tablet, Scott Free, an innocent flystander, was buzzing closer to Brady while trying to catch a glimpse of the screen. This is when Tom began swinging violently at Scott, several times.

Multiple eyewitnesses at the scene saw Scott get knocked unconscious by Tom’s bare hand while using a backslapping motion. Lipreaders report they saw him say, “Take that, bitch!” Scott fell to the turf, instantly. Then, there was a lot of commotion as Tom threw his Microsoft Surface Pro. 

The tablet eventually landed on top of the knocked-out victim. One unconscious fly and a broken tablet screen with a headline displaying, “Tom Brady would ‘love nothing more’ than to return to the NFL”  were all that remained at the scene. 

The victim had to be airlifted to the nearest emergency trauma center. Authorities are still on the lookout for the suspect. 

Eyewitnesses saw a man wearing a Tom Brady jersey fleeing the scene in an Aston Martin golf cart. As the golf cart driver was flashing his middle finger to onlooking gawkers, he proceeded to do a string of donuts that carved the number 12 in the putting green of hole eight. 

Several eyewitnesses were able to count seven extremely gaudy rings on both of the suspect’s hands. For what it’s worth, there was also a bag of footballs in the back of the golf cart with the words “Perfect Balls” written in permanent marker on the cloth fabric.

Reports are unclear at this time but it’s been confirmed that Scott Free’s wings have been clipped for good. Sadly, he’ll never fly again. Have a drink for Scott next time you go wheels up. Poor buddy has been grounded for life, bro. Rest in pieces, Scott.

Seriously, what more do you need? Suspect? This publication might be legally obligated to say “suspect” when mentioning eyewitness accounts, but come on already. This guy is fucking guilty! Tommy got fingered! Fine though, in an effort to leave personal bias at the flytrap, it’s time to deliver the latest sports news with the twist of a steamy fresh pile.

Regarding Tom Brady’s coming out of retirement talk, there’s been a lot of empty steam coming from fresh piles all over the country. Some flies out there are just as manipulative and deceptive as the 1919 Chicago White Sox. You just can’t trust them.

For example, there is a certain group of flies who frequent South Beach claiming they can smell steam gathering for a Tom Brady unretirement party with the Miami Dolphins. Really? As a minority owner of the Las Vegas Raiders, how would that work? Dumbasses.

Meanwhile, should Jimmy Garoppolo be looking over his shoulder in Vegas? It wouldn’t be the first time Tommy ran Jimmy out of town and as everyone knows, America loves a great Tom Brady comeback story.

Well, don’t place your bets just yet. If his recent divorce is any indicator, Tom Brady might not be good at commitment. It’s probably the only thing Tom doesn’t knock out of the park, besides porn auditions that is. For Pete’s sake, Tom. Put some fucking clothes on.

Believe it or not, his well-publicized side hustle as an aspiring but aging adult film amateur doesn’t appear to matter to some fanbases. Many fans insist their team is ready to make a commitment to the 45-year-old, avocado ice cream eating goat.

Perhaps Tom Brady gets so frustrated about the speculation because he wants to play but he just doesn’t have it anymore. Before Scott ended up in the ER, he was working on this story:

“It’s late Sunday afternoon but this isn’t just another spiritual or religious gathering on the Lord’s Day. No. This is a transcendent experience. This is a conversion. From this day forward, your new idol will throw a laced oval-shaped leather ball because for the first time in your life, you are going to witness greatness.

For Tom Brady, playing on a late Sunday afternoon in February is nothing new. It’s the norm. Except, something feels off this particular Sunday afternoon in February. There’s a bitter chill in the air and everyone can feel it. 

Everyone except Tom Brady. He has ice in his fucking balls. He’s ready for the big game. He’s always ready for the big game.

It’s Sunday, February 12, 2023. The clock reads 6:30 p.m. Eastern. The stadium is full of roaring fans and plenty of them have had more than their fair share of a few adult beverages. Who could blame them? It’s fucking Super Bowl Sunday!

It’s almost time for kickoff and players are waiting to emerge from the tunnels, hopefully ready to play the game of their life. It’s now or never. Guts or glory. Stragglers must be left behind. You must leave it all on the field or face the utterly crushing disappointment of your coach and teammates.

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Kirk Cousins Working On Rap Album Titled ‘You Like That’

Harvey Ballbanger
Kirk Cousins, Kirk Cousins rap album

If there’s one athlete no one wants to hear a rap album from, it’s Kirk Cousins, quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings. Yet, sometimes the world has a way of giving us what we want the least. 

The next Spotify artist to pop up on your Release Radar is an up-and-comer out of Barrington, Illinois, who also shouts out Holland, Michigan. But his latest musical inspiration comes from another area up north. 

The artist in question specializes in hip hop, and his moniker is Kirko Chainz, but most know him as Kirk Cousins, starting QB of the Minnesota Vikings. Buzz from the music studio suggests Cousins is working on a rap album, which will be the first of his career.

Kirk Cousins’ Rap Album Tracklist Revealed

The tracklist, which is a work in progress due to musicians being hard at work, deep into their creative process, lost in the sauce, fried off the finest indicas, enhanced by the wildest psychedelics recommended by Aaron Rodgers’ guy, includes a few notable gems.

One that will stick out to football fans is conveniently track No. 14. We’re unsure how many songs the album will have, but this one specifically said it was track No. 14. This could be a coincidence, but the song is titled “Snitch Bitch.”

Of course, Stefon Diggs, Cousins’ former teammate who wanted a trade from the Vikings, wears No. 14. One ballbanger who caught a few notes breezing in the wind overhead Cousins rapping the words “Traded you to Buffalo once you became a whiny bitch. Everyone knows 18 would never turn snitch.” Cousins can even be seen doing the Griddy during the music video while rapping the words. 

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Cousins, who likely winces at each swear word heard on the music waves, wasn’t afraid to let the f-bombs fly when his alter ego Kirko Chainz takes over in the booth, bringing out a new side few have gotten a glimpse of.

For those who managed to stay with the rollercoaster season that saw the Vikings play 12 one-score games in 2023, there was no cockier figure than Cousins. He’d start the season by getting a brand-new whip, and the previously dormant devout Christian suddenly had a new off-field persona, where he’d be seen strutting around the team plane with his shirt off, even wearing other athletes’ lavish thousand-dollar chains around his neck.

As far as we know, making rap music is yet another new territory for the soon-to-be 35-year-old QB. Who knows? The four-time Pro Bowler is headed into the final year of his contract with the Vikings. It’s possible that Cousins, widely regarded as one of the most financially wise players in pro sports history, could be thinking about life after football.

Craving more Ballbangers? – Kirk Cousins Rap Album Leaks Vikings Diss Tracks

As we’ve seen far too many times than we’d like to admit, life comes at you fast. Even one of the NFL’s trendsetters doesn’t know when his health will force him into retirement. 

He can plan to play as long as he wants, but if teams don’t come calling when free agency arrives, Cousins will have no choice but to hang up his cleats. This will lead him down a natural path toward picking up the microphone to spit more bars and inevitably clap the cheeks. Once the rap game gets a taste of his talent, the Kirko Chainz fans will demand more content. We’ve never been more sure of anything in our lives.

Will you be getting Kirk Cousins’ rap album, titled You Like That By Kirko Chainz, when it arrives on streaming devices? We won’t be able to resist finding out what other beef may be revealed or which brand of jeans he prefers.

More Minnesota Vikings Sports Satire – 3 Reasons Why the Minnesota Vikings Will Never Win a Super Bowl

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Pop Warner Parent Bails on Son’s Football Game at Halftime After ‘Too Much Disappointment’

Harvey Ballbanger
football

Here’s one we don’t see every day on the gridiron. Somewhere, on a football field near you, a parent just bailed on his kid during a Pop Warner game. We’ll leave our judgment at the door.

As you can imagine, more details are needed. Did the parent have an emergency to get to? Maybe they’re headed to scoop up a nice, hearty post-game meal that wipes the little tiger out after such an exhausting evening. 

Nope. Those excuses would have been acceptable, perhaps even celebrated in some cases. Instead, what this father chose to do took a much different turn. He simply didn’t like what he witnessed, saw his opportunity with a bit of extra commotion at halftime, and just left. He didn’t come back and he never planned to. The coach later had to give the kid a ride back home to a very, very disappointed father. 

“Listen, he’s no Manning. You saw him out there. I’ve already sat through too much disappointment from him this season. This kid’s got no heart and he’s soft as hell. I heard one guy, near where I was sitting, tell him to stick to Legos. Between you and me, I couldn’t agree more. This kid’s got no future and you know what? I blame his mother.“

“Are you kidding me? I put in nine fucking hours of work, dealing with my asshole boss, then I have to bust my balls to get to this shitty place, night after fucking night, just to watch my son put forth no fucking effort at all?”

He insisted on continuing… “Like, what are we doing here? How did he even make the team? Who’s coaching these assholes? Pardon my language, I’m not usually like this, but this is complete bullshit. Someone has to do something, and it’s time I stand up for every parent out there without a voice. I know my kid won’t keep getting away with this. So, yeah, you know what, I left, and I’ll fucking do it again.”

Wow, well, the language is a bit much here, and for the record, Pop Warner rules regulate that there are no tryouts, and everyone makes the team. So, as bad as this clumsy creature may be at football, his dad won’t be getting his wish of his son getting cut from the team any time soon. He might have to keep toughing these horrific evenings out, “night after fucking night.”

To some, what this random father did may sound distasteful. He may not have handled some aspects well, but to others, in some ways, his act could inspire an entire nation. One that is sick and tired of sitting through pathetic performances, night after fucking night. 

What say you, is it time to start a trend of going home at halftime (or sooner if you’re stuck with a REALLY bad dud)? Chances are, you wouldn’t be the first, and you won’t be the last.

For parents who gasped when reading this, you should know there are thousands of other disappointed adults out there just like you, who are sick and tired of sitting through pathetic performances night after fucking night, but no, we haven’t, like, ditched our kids at the ball game or anything, not completely anyway. But we’ve thought about it. A LOT.

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NFL Insiders Preparing for Shift to Flag Football

Buzz McFly
NFL Flag Football

It’s the offseason which means the NFL has nothing better to do with their time. While twiddling their thumbs over cocktails at the annual spring meeting, team owners approved a new kickoff rule without any regard for the fans or the game itself.

The new kickoff rule essentially eliminates the return game as a weapon in special teams. Each year, the NFL takes steps to drastically reduce the chances of another Bill Belichick ever rising through the ranks by eliminating special teams altogether.

Belichick cut his teeth in the NFL as an assistant special teams coach with the Detroit Lions and Denver Broncos back in the 1970s. He continued his journey as the New York Giants‘ special teams coordinator from 1979 to 1984. Today, the entire football world pretty much agrees that Bill Belichick of the New England Patriots is the goat of NFL head coaches in the modern era, if not of all time.

However, he got his humble beginnings as an assistant special teams coordinator. If there is anybody in the entire league who understands the importance of special teams, it’s Billy Goat. Ask Belichick a question about anything related to the game that was just played and you will be stonewalled with a cold blank stare or a response so short, you’ll miss it if you blink.

However, Billy Goat once famously gave a 1,039-word response to a question about what it was like for Gino Cappelletti to kick field goals back in the 1960s. The fucking sixties, man. Billy Goat would have been a schoolboy at the time.

A friend of a friend was buzzing around one of the Super Bowl game balls on Belichick’s mantle when news broke of the kickoff rule changes. Rumor has it, his facial expression was unchanged but there was a sense of disappointment in the air to complement the stench of second-hand clam chowder fumes.

Other coaches went public with their displeasure over the rule changes. Andy Reid, the head coach of the defending Super Bowl champion Kansas City Chiefs, didn’t hold back his suspicions while addressing the press through the league-owned NFL Network.

“My thing is, where does it stop, right?” Reid said. “We start taking pieces and we’ll see how this goes. But you don’t want to take too many pieces away, or you’ll be playing flag football.”

Is there a conspiracy brewing in Roger Goodell’s favorite coffee? Big Red is suggesting there might be a plan in place to gradually shift the game toward flag football permanently. Fans are in an uproar as reported by flies hovering around fresh steamy piles all over the world. Nobody wants to see the game become more suitable for fucking pussies.

Current and former players are chiming in on the issue right now. Pat McAfee, a former punting and drunken skinny-dipping standout of the Indianapolis Colts, gave zero fucks with his on-the-record response, “It’s the most amateur, bush-league-looking bullshit I have seen in a long time when it comes to the NFL.”

This really shouldn’t come as a surprise to people who have been following the rule changes of the game over the past few decades. The NFL has essentially made grabassin’ illegal, as outgoing Washington Commanders owner Dan Snyder can attest to.

In the past, other rule changes have sparked outrage amongst the most elite NFL alumni members. Other players have come out in full support of making the game as safe as possible, even if that includes bubble wrap and manicures. 

The NFL’s own golden boy, Brett Favre, chimed in on the state of the game recently as well. It seems as though he supports the NFL’s eventual shift to flag football.

“You have to believe that every time a kid is tackled, that she or he is doing detrimental things to their brain that may be irreversible.” Favre continued, “That is really scary.”

When he’s not busy putting all the mustard on it, Favre still manages to stay in the headlines years after the glory of his playing days have long gone. He really can do no wrong, so it makes sense that he’s in on the conspiracy to swap the NFL rulebook out for a flag football manual.

From his upstanding off-field reputation combined with his Super Bowl winning year in Green Bay to his unforgettable season as a New York Jet, you’d have to dig really deep to find any dirt on one of the greatest cheeseheads to ever grace the gridiron. That’s probably why the league is using Brett Favre as the player safety spokesperson for their shift to flag football.

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