Finally, the NHL is coming to its senses by realizing the Arizona Coyotes just aren’t working out. With only one playoff appearance spanning nine seasons in Glendale, the fans are fucking fed up. 

The Montreal Canadiens, a team no one really likes, led the NHL in attendance, averaging 21,078 spectators per game in 2023. Meanwhile, the Coyotes, arguably one of the most badass teams in the league, averaged just 4,600 fans per game. 

Are you fucking kidding me? Do Canadians not have anything better to do where they flock to hockey games at over four times the rate of the retirement home community in Arizona? 

Do fans seriously just forget when the game starts? 

Does it interfere with their afternoon nap?

Is it too fucking cold in the arena for the Arizona heat?

Does anyone even know hockey is trying to be played in Arizona for 41 games for some fucking reason, each and every goddamned year? What the fuck…

Anyway, the NHL is seriously contemplating stripping down the Coyotes and selling the franchise for parts to any other city willing to be dumb enough to take on this fucking mess. But which Arizona Coyotes relocation destinations make the most sense? Here are the no-brainers that couldn’t possibly fail. 

Arizona Coyotes Head to Phoenix

Operating out of Glendale, it’s clear location has become a big problem for the Coyotes. But whose fucking idea was this in the first place? Seriously, Glendale? Of course, no one will go to goddamned Glendale. It sounds like a creepy uncle who no one dares get too close to, and it’s become clear that’s how the rest of the hockey community views things too. Glendale? For fuck’s sake.

Instead of playing in goddamned Glendale, which has a population of roughly 250,000, where nearly 20% of the population (aged 45-64) would rather be playing golf with Bob Myers or going shopping for antiques, has anyone ever thought of, you know, playing in Phoenix?

So, Phoenix is this place that is actually located in Arizona too. And, unlike fucking Glendale, Phoenix has a population of over 1.6 million. Did anyone think, maybe, the Coyotes would have better luck playing where people actually are? Obviously, this genius idea is too bright for the NHL to have ever considered it. But no, let’s play ice hockey in fucking Glendale, Arizona. A fucking ghost town.

Fans Get Something To Do in Salt Lake City

If Phoenix is just too goddamned smart for NHL commissioner Gary Bettman to even consider, how about Salt Lake City, Utah? This is an area where people are desperate. They NEED something to do. 

We know there are far better activities than getting shitfaced drunk and going to a local hockey game (actually, this sounds like a blast). Oh fuck. That’s right. Is it even legal to drink in Utah? OK, next idea.

Get the latest Buzz: NHL Teams Ready To Secede League After Vegas Golden Knights Game 1 Victory

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Mexico Finally Gets an NHL Team With Arizona Coyotes

Alright, the last idea was shite. We’re ready to admit when a concept just isn’t a good idea.

How about taking the Coyotes south of the border, making hockey history by becoming the first NHL team to play in another country other than the United States of America?

No one else has ever thought of crossing the borders with this great game of hockey, born right here in America, but what better place to introduce the sport than Mexico?

Have you ever been? It gets warm. Having some relief from the sweltering heat would be good for the locals who could occasionally use a breather. Plus, it’s hard to envision fans not instantly getting behind a team named the Mexico Chihuahuas.

Imagine how great it would be for the NHL to push the boundaries, beating their fellow sports to the punch. None of the NFL, NBA, or MLB have a team in Mexico, so why not the NHL? Having Mexico become the second country to play permanent host to an NHL team makes too much sense not to happen. 

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Arizona Coyotes Head to Mars

Soon enough, if Elon Musk gets his way, humans will be on Mars by 2029. Fuck that noise. How about the Coyotes actually doing something even more groundbreaking by making a name for themselves in this galaxy? Aren’t they tired of being the little guy that everyone overlooks? 

These fucking losers have never even touched the Stanley Cup. It’s rather embarrassing, but it’s true. 

So why not just go to Mars first? Beat what’s his name to the punch and get there before anyone else can take up the best locations for a hockey arena. With temps getting as low as -225° F, that should be nearly cold enough to provide a steady sheet of ice, or at least enough so some players feel comfortable enough to lace up the skates. 

We know the climate is ripe for opportunity. Eventually, once other slowpokes catch up to the Coyotes (likely in 2029, according to sources), plenty of Zamboni drivers will probably become available, ready for hire.

The ONE item we’ve tried to gloss over, hoping no one would notice, is that, naturally, there will be a need to boost the local coyote population if they want to keep their current team moniker. But we don’t see why that would be an issue at all. They can leave a few members of the roster behind. This team isn’t competitive anyway.

There should be plenty of space on the rocket ship for the finest coyotes who have completed the necessary training programs once the proper roster cuts are made. They’ll be able to bark at the moon from across the Milky Way!

Is there any potential location we may have overlooked? Is there a potential flaw we may have overlooked on this list of Arizona Coyotes relocation ideas? Chime in to give us the full scoop.

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