How Zion Williamson’s Fast Food Diet is Supersizing His Game

Back in December of 2023, Zion Williamson’s strict diet of fast food made clickbait headlines again. Like Slim Fast commercials back in the day, Williamson’s diet, or lack thereof, always seems to be overplayed. Luckily, Williamson shrugs it off with the kind of cool you’d expect from the Big Easy. Enjoy that new nickname, Zion, you’ve earned it.

Needless to say, Williamson’s physique remains a topic of conversation whether the NBA superstar is active or sidelined by injuries. Much like Williamson’s weight, the speculation regarding how Zion’s obesity affects his play is getting out of control.

In fact, rumor has it Jenny Craig reached out to Williamson to gauge his interest in becoming their new spokesperson. A Fly On The Ball reached out to Williamson’s representatives to confirm whether the rumor is true, but much like a Zion airball, any kind of a response seems to have been lost like a queef in the wind.

Many expected Williamson to have a bounce back season after making the decision to become abstinent. Even Moriah Mills couldn’t break his focus, Williamson was determined to limit his scoring to on-court opportunities. However, Williamson quickly relapsed.

For a while, the “Zion Williamson is a sex addict” rhetoric distracted everyone from his diet. It didn’t stop people from questioning whether the Big Easy could stay healthy this season though. Many thought Zion would take his usual place on the bench at some point this year.

Yet, in a shocking turn of events, the New Orleans Pelicans star has proven his secret to staying healthy throughout the 2023-24 NBA season while ballin’ out is actually a steady diet of fast food. While nutritionists worldwide may be jacked to the tits in disbelief, Williamson’s game insists that his grease-laden regimen is the key to his on-court dominance.

Zion clearly believes in thinking outside the bun without abandoning them. Why settle for kale shakes, rabbit food, or risking getting a nut yeast infection when you could just have chicken and beer instead? Athletes need fuel, some more than others.

There’s no doubt Williamson’s dietary habits have raised more than a few eyebrows among health-conscious athletes and nutritionists alike. However, his performance on the court speaks volumes. His game has gone next level. 

Williamson’s ability to take over a game while hovering around the rim is proving he has the kind of gravity the league hasn’t seen since Charles Barkley and Shaq waddled their way through (and eventually off) the court. Even the hardwood floor begs for mercy from 300-pounders like those guys.

Defenders bounce off Williamson like a trampoline while the basketball orbits around him like one of Jupiter’s moons. Somehow, offensive rebounds go to his hands like an asteroid destined for Planet Zion. Mostly because nobody can get anywhere near the ball thanks to the circumference of the Big Easy.

Then, there is Williamson’s improved ability to focus when it comes to scoring the basketball. He knows he gets to feast on the team’s new all-you-can-eat junk food sideline buffet as soon as he scores enough points to give the Pelicans a chance. If nothing else, Williamson’s numbers prove there might be some merit to his unconventional diet for an athlete.

Despite Williamson shooting the worst field goal percentage of his career this year, he’s actually on pace to play in the most games during a season yet. His previous career high was 61 games played during the 2020-21 season. This season? Williamson has already played 56 games and counting by the time of publishing this article. That’s progress.

As is often the case, Williamson can be seen huffing and puffing down the court with a cheeseburger in one hand and the basketball in the other. This is why Zion is actually setting new career highs in assists this season. 

The New Orleans Pelicans realized if they give Williamson the food he craves during the game, he will pass the ball to his teammates more often. He already has 283 assists this year. His previous career high was 226 dimes in 2020-21.

Of course, there are some downsides to having greased-up palms during a game. Butterfingers Zion Williamson is on pace to set a new career high in turnovers. The Pelicans are currently the 5 seed in a very tight Western Conference race to the playoffs. If the Pelicans make the playoffs, who cares if Zion is scoring the lowest points-per-36 minutes of his career at 26.3?

In a bid to capitalize on Williamson’s successful dietary philosophy, fast food chains have wasted no time in courting the basketball prodigy. Offers for endorsement deals have flooded in, with promises of unlimited bacon cheeseburgers, fries, and milkshakes for life.

That’s not enough incentive for Williamson who reportedly wants Long John Silver’s to step up and offer him his own river with a lifetime supply of salmon. Like any Pelican, he will watch them struggle to swim upstream and then go in for the kill. After all, Zion is a huge fan of salmon.

It’s not just the endorsement offers that have been pouring in, Williamson seems to be raising the bar when it comes to athletic nutrition. Reports have surfaced of other athletes ditching their meticulously curated meal plans in favor of a more laissez-faire approach to nutrition. More specifically, offensive and defensive linemen in football.

Meanwhile, as the rest of the world continues being guinea pig experiments for Ozempic, Williamson is getting endorsement deals by sticking to what he loves: Popeyes. That takes balls. Who even eats spinach anyway? Yuck.

As Williamson continues to soar to new heights on the court and scales, skeptics are left scratching their balls. Could it be that the path to athletic glory comes with a side of fried shrimp poppers? Only time will tell. For now, one thing is certain: Zion Williamson is proving that when it comes to basketball greatness, sometimes you just have to supersize it.

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Buzz McFly

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Buzz McFly hears all the latest buzz through his impressive network consisting of millions of flies swarming near every pile of shit in the entire world. When shit goes down, Buzz has eyes on the scene waiting to bask in the latest filth and dirt. Growing up an avid sports fan, his credibility in the field is second to none. He comes from a long line of spectator sporting event reporters willing to lay it all on the line for a fresh scoop of the latest news before it breaks wind anywhere else.

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