3 Reasons Why Dallas Cowboys Will Miss Playoffs

Buzz McFly
Typical Dallas Cowboys Fan

The 2023 NFL Season Will Be a Failure for the ‘Boys

Summer just officially began which means training camp is already less than a month away for most NFL franchises. For the Dallas Cowboys, it’s just business as usual as they are set to report to camp on July 26th in Oxnard, California. Training camp will run through August 15th for the ‘Boys, it is open to the public and completely free to attend.

Now, who’s ready for some Cowboys football? If there’s one thing you can be certain of, Jerry Jones and the entire Dallas Cowboys fan base have Super Bowl expectations. They do every single year, even though they haven’t won shit in nearly three decades. 

Yet, Cowboys fans do have bragging rights to five Super Bowl wins in their impressive and rich football history. So, why shouldn’t they be optimistic? As one of the most recognizable brands in all of sports, let alone football, they know how to do a line with the best of them.

Putting aside their almost cult-like delusions, being a Cowboys fan is more like a religion than a group of fanatics. Cowboys fans don’t go to church on Sunday morning, at least not in their hearts. They certainly don’t follow Jesus unless he wears a blue star on his helmet. However, when the ‘Boys lose, real tears are shed. Dem’s the facts.

Those are real emotions because Cowboys fans are one of the most passionate groups you will find in all of sports. They care, and they want to win, like most fans. Unfortunately for all Cowboys fans, every season has been like visiting an empty Jerry Jones glory hole since the last time they hoisted the Lombardi trophy in 1996.

They sure do things differently in Texas. They say things differently too. I’ve never been to a glory hole, but it’s pretty clear this is an activity that every single Dallas Cowboys fan on the planet participates in.

In Dallas, glory holes have not only been normalized, everybody seems to be insensitive to Jerry’s long-standing obsession with getting sucked off by a stranger. Whomever it may be.

Anyway, back to football for a minute here. In recent years, there have been glimpses of promise followed by failure after failure to get the job done in the playoffs. From Dak Prescott putting up MVP-like numbers one season to looking pedestrian in 2022, the Cowboys and their fans are no strangers to riding a roller-coaster.

There have been several mishaps along the way, such as fucking up with the Ezekiel Elliot contract extension in 2019. That ridiculous six-year, $90-million contract was so bad the Cowboys cut Elliot this off-season. He’s still standing in the unemployment line. That’s how bad Jerry’s eye for talent has become.

Jones literally handed a bum 90 million dollars to go stand in the unemployment line. That’s a far cry from the dynasty Jerry built in the early 1990s by ripping off the Minnesota Vikings in the Herschel Walker trade.

Sadly, that Ezekiel Elliot contract remains a lingering problem in the NFL. It really began with Zeke’s former contract that eventually ballooned into the Christian McCaffrey nightmare that David “Zero Fucks” Tepper screwed the entire running back market over with.

But that’s in the past now as even the Carolina Panthers have moved on from CMC. Meanwhile, Dalvin Cook, Saquon Barkley, Josh Jacobs, and many others are paying the price for these terrible moves that all started with the Dallas fucking Cowboys. DEM BOYS!!!! Way to go, morons.

However, with that being said, the current Cowboys roster has some talent on it. Is it enough talent to win a few games with? Probably. If they can stay healthy at some key positions (Micah Parsons) they might even win more than five or six games. But, do the ‘Boys have enough talent to make the playoffs? 

On paper, they might. However, as everybody in the suddenly-competitive NFC East knows, football games aren’t won on paper. These battles play out from the inside out. They begin in the trenches and are finished in the end zones. That’s NFC East football in a nutshell.

In reality, where everybody in the NFC East outside of Dallas resides, the Cowboys ain’t shit! If you want to know why the Dallas Cowboys will not make the playoffs in 2023, the real question is, how much time do you have? 

There are countless reasons why the ‘Boys will miss the playoffs. However, A Fly On The Ball will focus on these top 3 reasons why the Dallas Cowboys will not make the playoffs:

1. DAK PRESCOTT LOST HIS BALLS

You might think you can laugh at the headline, but to Dallas Cowboys fans, this is no laughing matter. Dak has been distracted lately, and the reason behind it has not been made public. Not until now. 

There was a time in Prescott’s career when he was slinging the rock like a true David versus Goliath. In his 2021 campaign, Dak completed 68.8 percent of his passes, accounting for 4,449 yards through the air. That’s outstanding stuff and certainly good enough to put you in the elite quarterback conversation.

Then, when you add the 37 touchdown passes he had in ‘21 into the mix, some MVP murmurs begin gaining traction. Especially since he managed to be a successfully daring gunslinger to the tune of only 10 interceptions. His passer rating was an above-average 104.2, the best mark of his roller-coaster career.

Believe it or not, he was on pace to have a similarly successful season in 2020, but then COVID happened, and Dak decided not to play in 11 of the team’s regular season games. This should have been the first red flag that Dak Prescott lost his goddamn balls. Hopefully he can find them so he can return to form, for the sake of that poor crying Cowgirls fan.

Fast forward to the 2022 season, and something changed. At times, Dak looked like a deer in the headlights out there. He was more interested in seeing if he could pass the ball to the opposing team’s players rather than toss touchdowns for the ‘Boys. He actually threw for 15 interceptions compared to only 23 TD passes in the 2022 season.

So, what happened? Some flies buzzing around fresh piles in Dallas claim it could be due to a contract dispute. I don’t buy it. Just watch the fucking tape. The tape never lies. Dak Prescott lost his fucking balls, and he can’t seem to find them.

He is afraid out there. He’s not sure where his receivers are going to be, he’s worried somebody is going to break his nails if they hit him, and he would rather slide when scrambling than make a game-saving play. That was in the fucking playoffs, man. With time expiring! MAKE A FUCKING EFFORT. What a clown Jerry World.

That play alone proves that Dak Prescott has lost his balls. Just watch the tape. I rest my case.

2. IT’S ALWAYS SNOWY IN DALLAS

Listen, the Dallas Cowboys have a well-documented history with powder. Not sure how it becomes so accessible to Cowboys players but one can only assume it’s a top-down issue. It’s also probably top-shelf. Unfortunately, world-class blow doesn’t put trophies on the shelf. It never will. 

However, it can make certain players feel invincible, on and off the field. If the Dallas locker room can handle their yeyo responsibly, this could prove to be a non-issue. If they time their lines right, they might even be able to squeak into the playoffs as long as they focus on the white lines. Don’t run the ball outside those lines, and don’t hit anybody outside those lines, and you won’t get pulled over guys. It’s real fuckin’ simple.

If the Dallas Cowboys have any hope of seeing the postseason after the 2023 NFL Regular Season, they are going to need to manage their cocaine consumption like responsible adults. You can’t have things getting too out of hand, remember to use a password for entry this time. Then maybe you won’t get caught.

3. TOO MUCH PRESSURE

Perhaps Jerry Jones prefers glory holes because when it comes time to perform, old Jonesy has trouble rising to the occasion. Some say diamonds are made under pressure. In Dallas, that’s just not the case. In Dallas, Texas, pressure leads to glory holes.

That kind of ability to crack under pressure is rare. You certainly never saw that kind of performance from Tom Brady, who is actually contemplating a comeback as we speak. The league better be on the lookout for that one.

Then there are examples such as the Kansas City Chiefs, a well-oiled machine whose entire roster is immune to pressure. Why? Probably because Andy Reid keeps it so loose. There’s no pressure and no expectations at Arrowhead. See: Patrick Mahomes. Cool as a cucumber at all times. Leader. Winner.

Over the years, there have been many Super Bowl-winning quarterbacks to pass through the locker rooms at Jerry World. These are clutch quarterbacks capable of delivering the biggest balls in crunch-time moments when the entire universe is watching. Unfortunately, those QBs don’t play for Dallas.

Even guys like Nick fucking Foles are immune to pressure. He won a Super Bowl. Like it or not, Foles fell ass-backward into success like Cosmo Kramer. That’s more than the Dallas Cowboys have done since the goddamn Clinton Administration. The CLINTON ADMINISTRATION! Fucking boomers!

Once everybody in Dallas realizes it’s another lost season, there’s no doubt every truck stop in Dallas County will be booked solid until this time next year. That’s a lot of glory holes to fill, more than anybody could ever count or keep track of. 

At least they can still get their rocks off, even if it means eating crow after setting such lofty expectations to begin with. Don’t worry, Cowboys fans don’t need your sympathy. They do this every year. Lather, rinse, repeat.

If there is one thing that’s certain, the Dallas Cowboys do not have what it takes to make the playoffs in a stacked NFC East. They certainly don’t have the balls it takes to win a fucking Super Bowl. 

To all you delusional Cowboys fans who think otherwise, all I have left to say is Good Fucking Luck. GFL. Get Fuckin’ Lost. There’s always next year, losers. Next question.

Not Buzzed Enough Yet? – NFL Insiders Preparing for Shift to Flag Football

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Buzz McFly hears all the latest buzz through his impressive network consisting of millions of flies swarming near every pile of shit in the entire world. When shit goes down, Buzz has eyes on the scene waiting to bask in the latest filth and dirt. Growing up an avid sports fan, his credibility in the field is second to none. He comes from a long line of spectator sporting event reporters willing to lay it all on the line for a fresh scoop of the latest news before it breaks wind anywhere else.

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