The Race for Baseball’s Best Two-Way Player Since Babe Ruth Is On
Major League Baseball is about a month away from its annual trade deadline. For the 2023 MLB season, the trade deadline is August 1st. Every single year there are teams trying to buy a World Series Championship at the trade deadline, but history has proven that rarely works. This year, every team in baseball should be calling the Angels about their asking price for Shohei Ohtani.
Insightful advanced analytics provided by A Fly On The Ball’s team of Swamp Nuts suggest there may be a wiser alternative to this trade-deadline madness. This modern Moneyball approach could prove more beneficial to teams looking to build the foundation for long-term success, and it’s easy to understand why when you break it down.
You see, the way your grandfather built baseball teams is a little bit different than the way advanced metrics suggest you should do it. The idea is to work smarter, not harder. It’s actually a really simple concept to grasp.
Everyone thinks the shitty teams should be sellers, but that just doesn’t make sense if you look at the only stat that matters in sports, the W column. If your team sucks, you need to do whatever it takes to get better. Immediately.
In reality, the MLB trade deadline offers the perfect opportunity to bolster your roster for next season and beyond. Before you roll your eyes, you might want to make sure you’re not becoming your parents with your perspective.
If your goal as a baseball team is really to win the World Series, you need to start getting better now. Not getting worse. You might as well roll the dice on a star player with an expiring contract to see if you should throw the bag at him in the offseason.
You see, these current millennial GMs have forgotten that you used to be able to rent a movie at Blockbuster before buying it. It’s time to get back to the basics and make a Blockbuster trade for Shohei Ohtani.
Here Are Six Teams That Should Trade For Shohei Ohtani Immediately
1. Minnesota Twins
Wait, this team wasn’t contracted with the Expos? Member how awesome Kirby Puckett was, Twins fans? Sigh. Savor those memories because Byron Buxton isn’t Kirby. Sorry. The Twins haven’t been relevant since 1991 at the championship level.
The Twins are perennial playoff choke artists and they are barely clinging to their division lead in the AL Central. Sure, they had some nice seasons with Mauer and Morneau, but then they fucked everything up by trading the literal reincarnation of Ted Williams for a guy with a fucking 4.24 ERA.
Meanwhile, Luis Arráez is making every single baseball in the league his fucking bitch down in Miami:
“Who’s your papi?”
– Luis Arráez every time he hits that shit
If the Twins organization is really serious about making fans forget what a clown show they have in the front office, the ONLY solution is swinging a deal for Shohei Ohtani. If the Twins don’t land Ohtani, they might as well close up shop because they will be the laughingstock of the entire league until people forget who Luis Arráez is. Which will be NEVER!
Think about it this way, do you still know who Ted Williams is? Exactly. Who’s your papi, Twins fans? It will be Shohei Ohtani if the Twins can bring some fucking balls to the negotiating table.
2. Oakland Athletics
As of right now, the Oakland Athletics are the absolute laughingstock of the entire league. It’s not even funny anymore, these fuckin’ bums make the Bad News Bears look like the damn Yankees.
Luckily, the A’s are bailing on Oakland because they can’t convince a single person to come watch a game anymore. As a result, the A’s are moving to Sin City, and they’re going to need some major starpower to compete with the corrupt grasp the Golden Knights have on the local fanbase.
What better way to show your one-ups-manship than rolling into Las Vegas with the Japanese-born reincarnation of Babe Ruth? If you bring Shohei Ohtani with you, they will build any stadium the Athletics request to play in.
Even a Field of Dreams is possible here, there’s nothing but worthless desert for miles and miles. Put a nice little baseball stadium in Vegas and Ohtani will make sure there are butts in the seats. It’s literally his job and he’s really fucking good at it.
3. Kansas City Royals
What the fuck happened to the Royals? First, they fuck up the Chicago Cubs’ chances to fulfill the prophecy as told by the Grays Sports Almanac in Back to the Future II. They had no business winning the World Series in 2015. Then, they somehow decided to stop trying to win altogether. Make up your fucking mind already!
It’s time to stop being a cheapskate, John Sherman. Open the fucking checkbook and get this done. While you’re at it, just build the new stadium already. Summer is almost over and you’re going to want that baby built before you acquire Ohtani.
As one of the worst teams in baseball, it’s time to show your fans that you’re actually trying to win a game or two. You should probably stop serving hot dogs leftover from last season too but hey, eat those at your own risk, Royals fans. Flies love that shit, so more for us if you can somehow refrain.
4. Washington Nationals
The Nationals play in the nation’s capital so they should have some fucking pride. Unfortunately, they are completely content with putting on a show of mediocrity. What a pathetic effort. They say a city’s sports teams are a reflection of the largest industry within that same city. In Washington D.C., that’s politics. Always politics. Fucking lame but they take that shit pretty seriously:
Whoa. Dem’s fightin’ words. Considering that tweet was from a decade ago, one can only imagine the city has become more and more desperate for followers, residents, and well, anybody who will fucking listen. Shohei, if you go to D.C., people like this Spicy creep will demand that you follow them. Everywhere. They will call you a coward if you don’t.
That’s why teams like the Pittsburgh Steelers remain rocksteady for decades. Way to go Steel City! Why isn’t Pittsburgh the nation’s capital anyway? They’ve won a total of six Lombardi trophies. That’s a city to be proud of!
Shohei, you don’t want to play in D.C. Next question.
5. Colorado Rockies
Sure, living in Denver has its perks. There’s unlimited weed, John Elway, and one of the most controversial airports in the world. There’s also a baseball team that everybody assumes is a mountain range for some reason. They’re known as the Colorado Rockies.
They play in a stadium where you can launch home runs like you’re Barry Bonds on roids. It’s pretty fucking awesome. Shohei could really pad his offensive numbers if he played for the Rockies. The only problem is, he might give up a few more home runs.
Shohei needs to decide what’s more important to him, hitting home runs or not coughing them up. If he gets traded to the Rockies, he won’t have a choice. But he will single-handedly save baseball by turning the clock back to the exciting Sammy Sosa versus Mark McGwire raging hormone battles in the summer of ’98.
Those days included everything from a linebacker posing as Sammy Sosa using corked bats to BALCO. Baseball was king. Remember those days? Nobody does because football wears the crown now and who wants to reminisce about the boring days of sports?
6. Dallas Cowboys
Speaking of football, is there anything Shohei Ohtani couldn’t do? At 6-foot-4, Ohtani has the ideal height to play the most important position in all of sports: quarterback. He’s got the arm. Nobody questions that.
Considering Dak Prescott has lost his balls, signing Ohtani away from the MLB is exactly the kind of move ol’ Jerry Jones has waiting up his sleeve. Jerry loves to win and if he’s serious about adding another Lombardi or two before he hands the reins to Stephen, he must trade for Shohei Ohtani.
Los Angeles Angels, expect a call from a 214 area code within the next 24 hours. Jerry Jones is on the line. If he can learn the playbook, this guy will go down as the greatest athlete of all time. Move over Caitlyn Jenner, you might have some serious competition for that Male Athlete of the Year title if Ohtani suits up for the Dallas Cowboys.
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