When you have the fuckin’ Jesus on your bowling team, you never lose. It’s a league game, Smokey, there are rules. This isn’t ‘Nam, but nobody knows what it’s like to smell napalm in the morning more than Trevor Lawrence. T-Law be droppin’ bombs all day. He is the fuckin’ Jesus, man.
That’s why the Jacksonville Jaguars will have no problem getting balls deep in that end zone all season long. In fact, the Jaguars are the obvious pick to win the AFC South by a longshot. Who knows? If Lawrence and the Shaguars get hot, they might even have what it takes to finally let ‘em hang.
Of course, the Jaguars will have to move to London before that dream becomes a reality. Until then, enjoy the second coming of Jesus. Blonde or not, this guy will eventually lead the Jags to the promised land.
Even though he looks like a long-lost member of the Doobie Brothers, T-Law might be legit. Surf’s up, dude! They just can’t afford another “Wipe Out” in the playoffs if they want to get balls deep and make it to the Super Bowl.
Duuuuvaaaaal! Am I right? Or should it be the London Shaguars? Who the fuck cares as long as Lawrence balls the fuck out. This guy is the chosen one, and he ain’t no false prophet. Of course, there is no such thing as a one-man team in the NFL.
Lawrence needs a few people to step it up to make the next leap. For starters, if Calvin Ridley can resist the urge to call his bookie, he might actually help the Jaguars get balls deep in the end zone instead of gambling debt this season.
All eyes are still on 2021 first-round draft pick Travis Etienne Jr. this season. This guy is an electric running back when healthy and can provide the dual-threat T-Law needs to open the rest of the field in the passing game.
More importantly, this offensive line needs to step the fuck up to succeed in 2023. Outside of
Brandon Scherff, this O-line is full of unproven bums. Bums with potential, though. It’s time to develop a pocket for your future HOF quarterback once and for all.
This team’s success will literally ride or die with the offensive line this year. Besides all that, Evan Engram just needs to stay healthy to remain one of the most underrated weapons in the National Football League.
Perhaps there is no solution available in the present. Most Jaguars fans need to reminisce about the glory days to even stay afloat. The Jags have sucked balls for decades now. Maybe it’s time to look to the past to dream about the future if you’re a Jags fan.
Think about it, if you fire Madden 24 up, you could literally build a dream team with a few create-a-players. If you root for the Jags, this is your only chance to win a Super Bowl this year. So, which legend are you going to bring back to life? This is kind of like a Choose Your Own Adventure book at this point.
Poll:
Sure, it will read like an Ouija board, but there’s no doubt T-Law delivers dark magic between the hash marks. It’s the witching hour in Duval. The news headlines will read, “Trevor Lawrence Summons Jaguars Legends To Get Balls Deep.” Yet, the question remains, was “Mr. Crowley” involved? We’ll leave that to the tin-foil hat people and the broom-riders otherwise known as Buffalo Bills fans.
This racy headline might sell clicks, but until the Shags win meaningful games, it’s not time to roll it up, bro. Lawrence doesn’t quite look like he grasps that concept yet. Maybe it’s the hippie hair, I don’t know.
In reality, the headline reads, “Trevor Lawrence Goes Balls Deep With Hippies”, which really just sounds like an old-school orgy. Somehow, Woodstock would be proud. That’s the Jimi Hendrix era Woodstock from 1969, not the 1999 shitshow.
Listen, Lawrence can smoke a Marley after the Jaguars win the Lombardi, but until then, keep an eye on Shad Khan’s ‘stache. If a single gray hair emerges, Doug Pederson is definitely on the hot seat, and there is no Jesus that will be able to save him from that fire and brimstone.
Perhaps prayer can help. If you are a believer, pray for the Jacksonville Jaguars. They need your help. There is no way this team can overcome proven winners such as the Kansas City Chiefs, Cincinnati Bengals, Buffalo Bills, or Houston Oilers without the power of divine intervention this season.
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