Sports Satire - A FLY ON THE BALL

Rudy Gobert Reveals Minnesota Timberwolves’ Plot To Dominate NBA With 3-Point Shooting

July 31, 2023January 15, 2024 Harvey Ballbanger

The Minnesota Timberwolves are going balls deep this season. They already have the best shooting big man in the NBA with Karl-Anthony Towns, and now they have another ace in the hole with Rudy Gobert.

Previously, the biggest knock on the three-time Defensive Player of the Year’s game was his lack of an offensive game, but it’s obvious The Stifle Tower plans to erase all weaknesses. Just look at how graceful his three-point shot is here.

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How the New York Giants Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone This Year

July 31, 2023December 5, 2023 Buzz McFly

Dexter Lawrence is going to be balls deep in every opposing team’s backfield on almost every snap. That means all the New York Giants need to do is pound the fucking rock. Over and over again. Rinse. Repeat.

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3 New York Jets Hard Knocks Storylines To Watch This Season

July 31, 2023September 21, 2023 Harvey Ballbanger

Every year the NFL picks one team they’d like to see get to the Super Bowl by featuring them on HBO’s Hard Knocks. Last year they wisely picked the Detroit Lions, and their Lombardi aspirations damn near came true, going from a three-win team to one with nine victories.

Now that Aaron Rodgers is ready to take a bite out of the Big Apple, we turn our attention to the New York Jets, the NFL’s next poster child. But unfortunately, he didn’t bring a Super Bowl trophy with him, and Joe Namath isn’t suiting up any time soon. In fact, Broadway Joe couldn’t care less about how the team performs. He’s made that clear while chasing other dreams.

But it’s clear to everyone within earshot of Fireman Ed that the Jets have a Super Bowl or bust mentality heading into head coach Robert Saleh’s third season as head coach. Yet it’s been 54 years since the last time the Jets won the big game, and if you really want to get technical, they’ve never won a Super Bowl in the NFL. Pretty pathetic, huh?

None of that matters because J-E-T-S Jets! fans don’t remember the past. All they care about is what’s happening this minute and the next. And what’s next is Hard Knocks. But what will the three biggest topics be during this season’s training camp special? We have all the answers.

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Manning Infant Signs Largest NIL Deal in Sports History

July 29, 2023September 21, 2023 Harvey Ballbanger

When you know, you know. That’s the case with the latest golden arm to drop out of the womb. That’s right. There’s another Manning in town.

First, it was Archie Manning. Then came his sons Peyton and Eli Manning. Later, the grandson, Arch Manning, son of Cooper. Now another legend has been crafted.

Sure, this newest Manning may still be in the infant stage, but he’s already under the spotlight, thanks to signing the largest Name, Image, and Likeness (NIL) endorsement deal in sports history.

The actual terms of the agreement have not yet been disclosed, but it’s clear we have another winner here, folks. The five-star recruit is already projected to be the No. 1 pick in the 2044 NFL Draft by the Cleveland Browns or Detroit Lions if they’re still allowed to continue their attempt at avoiding their first Super Bowl appearance.

Yet, there’s always hope of this Manning phenom pulling an Eli power move, refusing to play for such a shitty franchise like the Los Angeles Chargers.

For now, all we can do is plan to save up for front-row tickets to all his football sporting events. It is not yet known which elementary school he will attend, but you can imagine the enticing offers he’s already considering from programs across the nation.

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4 Key Storylines Entering 2023 NFL Preseason

July 28, 2023September 21, 2023 Buzz McFly

4 Key Headlines Entering 2023 NFL Preseason

Are You Ready for Some Football?

Whether you want to look forward or back in time, imagine this, it’s the buttcrack of dawn on a sunny August morning. You’re taking inventory of the skies, there’s only a few clouds in sight.

It’s going to be a hot day and you can feel it as you’re trotting across the blacktop, in your socks, on your way to greener pasture. With your cleats in one hand and your helmet in the other, there’s only one question remaining, are you ready for some football?

The freshly cut field awaits for you to seize the moment of opportunity with every drop of sweat and every ounce of effort in your body. Ladies and gentlemen, football is in the air. From high school teams all the way to the pros, it’s the time of year when dreams are made or crushed, one play at a time.

There’s a haze in the air with only a slight breeze to cool you down. The high heat hasn’t hit yet but you’re already breaking a sweat under your pads. With gnats nibbling at your ankles, you begin to dig your cleats into the dirt to stretch before putting your fingers in the grass.

Oh yeah baby, football is finally back and it’s your time to shine. This is your story. This is your rise to glory.

Every year, countless athletes train in the late summer heat for their upcoming battles in the trenches. Every team starts with a blank slate. The same record. They all share the same goal. The allure of winning it all is worth leaving it all on the field, every single day. It all begins now.

4 Key Storylines Entering 2023 NFL Preseason

LET ‘EM HANG – FREE THE BALLS Beer Can Cooler – Purple with Yellow Font

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1. You Can Blame a Dog for the Minnesota Vikings’ Off-Field Drama

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Patrick Mahomes Shows He’s Scared of NFL Defenders in Netflix ‘Quarterback’ Special

July 27, 2023May 20, 2024 Harvey Ballbanger

At this point, we all know who Patrick Mahomes is, right? The guy who Netflix made famous after featuring him as the sidekick to Kirk Cousins on the Quarterback series? Yeah, you remember now, he looks like Trey Lance and sounds kinda froggish? Yeah, that’s him.

When you’re a badass dude like Patrick Mahomes, one would think there’s nothing in this world you can’t face head-on. He’s already managed to become the greatest quarterback in NFL history despite having to overcome dealing with a douchebag brother for nearly his entire life.

Believe me, I know what that’s like, and it’s not fun.

But Mahomes at least has a cannon for an arm, which he uses to dominate the football landscape, and he could easily step in and play baseball if he wanted, too. The rest of us don’t have these options.

Some might think that with Andy Reid carrying him to two Super Bowl rings and the QB managing to earn one by marriage, there is nothing Mahomes is afraid of in this life. But that couldn’t be further from the truth.

If there’s one major takeaway everyone realized after watching the Netflix Quarterback special, it’s that Mahomes is a complete pussy, dawg.

Looking for funny fantasy football names for the Kansas City Chiefs?

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3 Wicked Washington Commanders Name Change Ideas

July 23, 2023December 2, 2023 Harvey Ballbanger

Nothing About The Washington Commanders Makes Sense

OK, so the Washington Commanders. That’s kinda cool. We have the Seattle Seahawks and also the Commanders, clearly a third-rate team.

What’s that? They’re on the east coast? Oh, ok, so like Washington D.C., sure. That’s neat.

Wait, hold on, the Washington (D.C.) Commanders’ official operations are in Ashburn, Virginia? Yet, when it’s actually time to play football, they travel over 50 miles away to Landover, Maryland, at FedEx Field?

How does that make any fucking sense? Everyone knows Maryland is Ravens country.

Obviously, Daniel Snyder’s head has been up his ass and possibly up some others too. Clearly, the biggest loser among the NFL ownership group, Snyder has finally been voted off the island after 24 years, and the world couldn’t be any happier.

This is bonkers! I can’t believe what I’m seeing!!

Josh Harris on stage slapping hands with Commanders fans.

Dan Snyder is long gone!!! pic.twitter.com/H0JWaSGeaJ
— Scott Abraham (@Scott7news) July 21, 2023

Now with the Josh Harris ownership group taking over, not only is it finally cool to be a fan of the Washington football team again, the organization is quickly trying to forget about its fugly past.

With that, we’re already discussing a Washington name change for the third time in the past four years. If so, what are some of the best Washington Commanders name change ideas in existence? They’re right here baby.

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Connor McDavid Trade Request Looming Over Edmonton Oilers

July 21, 2023December 20, 2023 Buzz McFly

Will The Chosen One Follow The Great One Out Of The City Of Champions?

It’s no secret that Connor McDavid is the greatest player in hockey by a mile. For those who are geographically challenged, that equals approximately 1.6 kilometers, but nobody uses those anymore.

That kind of talent deserves to win championships, but the Stanley Cup has not been in Edmonton, Alberta, since 1990. In fact, the Stanley Cup has not been held by a team in Canada for 30 years and counting.

During the 2022-23 NHL season, the Edmonton Oilers finished strong with a record of 53 wins, 23 losses, and 9 overtime/shootout losses. That was good enough for 109 points on the season, which only qualified for second place in the competitive Pacific Division of the Western Conference.

Fortunately, it was good enough to qualify for the postseason, where it doesn’t matter what your record was. The only thing that matters in playoff hockey is doing whatever it takes to win. Just ask the Vegas Golden Knights, they know what it takes to win.

The Edmonton Oilers, on the other hand, just didn’t have the balls it takes to swing big dicks in the playoffs. In the NHL, defense can still help you win championships, especially if you can score the puck while stopping the other team’s advances.

Edmonton had to dig deep just to beat the Los Angeles Kings in the first round of the NHL. Connor McDavid and the Oilers ultimately proved victorious in the series, winning four games after literally handing the Kings two of the games, for free, by choosing to lose in overtime. Did they throw those two games?

Then, the Edmonton Oilers fell flat against the eventual Stanley Cup champion Vegas Golden Knights in the second round of the playoffs. What’s even worse is their pathetic performance was against a recent NHL expansion team. Expansion teams should never win championships, yet the Knights were skating circles around the oil slicks, causing them to lose the series four games to two.

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Dak Prescott Guarantees Fans He Will Not Throw ANY Interceptions This Year

July 17, 2023December 8, 2023 Buzz McFly

Dak Prescott Throws Dallas Cowboys Receivers Under Bus

It’s that time of year when football is in the air because training camp is almost here. Are you ready for some football? Dak Prescott sure is. In fact, Dak is ready for the season to begin today, he’s already in mid-season form in his own mind.

Hell, he probably thinks he’s in the best shape of his life. We’re not sure what kind of fairy dust the Dallas Cowboys are snowing upon their players this season but it sure has them feeling invincible.

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Russell Wilson’s Smartwatch Reveals QB Hasn’t Slept Since End of 2022 Season

July 16, 2023December 9, 2023 Harvey Ballbanger

Every once in a while, you hear a rippin’ good yarn about an athlete who obsesses over perfecting their craft a tit too much. Unfortunately, Denver Broncos quarterback Russell Wilson has become the latest victim of this maddening malady.

You know the facts. Like how he’ll spend every waking moment rehabbing, to the point where Russ graciously gallops around the team plane when no one needs any rest, relaxation, or goddamn peace and quiet.

What an admirable competitor. This tireless dedication is exactly why Russ led the Broncos to a —checks notes— 4-11 record last season.

Nevertheless, Wilson’s nonstop ‘Let’s Ride’ mentality is a more severe case than we’ve ever caught wind of here at A Fly On The Ball. We’ve uncovered some titillating details after gaining access to data from Russell Wilson’s watch, more accurately, his Nike smartwatch.

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