Sports Satire - A FLY ON THE BALL

3 Reasons Why the Detroit Lions Will Never Win a Super Bowl

September 4, 2023November 21, 2023 Harvey Ballbanger

Did you know the Detroit Lions are one of just two NFL franchises existing since 1946 to have never made a Super Bowl appearance? It’s pathetic but true. If you’re wondering, the Cleveland Browns are the other team mired in sadness.

But being a Lions fan means you’re at rock bottom. Unlike the Browns, the Lions have existed since 1930, meaning they’ve been failing to win Super Bowls for almost 20 more years. In other words, it doesn’t get any worse than following the Lions if you’re a football fan.

This isn’t some secret. It’s right out there in the open. The Lions are the worst franchise in NFL history, and it’s not even close. But this year is ‘different’. Detroit has a head coach with a Lion-sized chip on his shoulder and a talented roster ready to roar. It’s led to enormous expectations in The Mitten.

Detroit is looking to prove they not only deserve a chance to avoid relegation to Canada for the 95th year in a row but also that the Lions are ready to compete for the NFC North division crown. If all goes well, they could be taking their first-ever trip to the Super Bowl, but I’m here to tell you not to get your hopes up this year if you’ve somehow stumbled into being a Lions fan. Here are just three reasons why the Lions will never win a Super Bowl.

Post Views: 1,310

How the Jacksonville Jaguars Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone This Year

September 3, 2023November 26, 2023 Buzz McFly

How the Jacksonville Jaguars can get balls deep this year - Trevor Lawrence Goes Balls Deep with Hippies - with Text - Final

When you have the fuckin’ Jesus on your bowling team, you never lose. It’s a league game, Smokey, there are rules. This isn’t ‘Nam, but nobody knows what it’s like to smell napalm in the morning more than Trevor Lawrence. T-Law be droppin’ bombs all day. He is the fuckin’ Jesus, man.

That’s why the Jacksonville Jaguars will have no problem getting balls deep in that end zone all season long. In fact, the Jaguars are the obvious pick to win the AFC South by a longshot. Who knows? If Lawrence and the Shaguars get hot, they might even have what it takes to finally let ‘em hang.

Post Views: 59

How the Houston Oilers Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone To Reach Paydirt

August 30, 2023May 15, 2024 Buzz McFly

How the Houston Oilers Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone Again

Listen, the Houston Oilers have not been balls deep in any end zone since 1996. That’s pathetic. If Oilers fans want to change that, there is a path to redemption. You may think the very notion of the Oilers ever scoring a touchdown again is asinine, but believe it or not, the door is not completely closed.

First things first, Houston needs to start marking their goddamn territory. Show the world that Houston has that dawg in them. Then, Rocket Town needs to take their team back. The truth is out there: the Tennessee Titans belong to Houston. Everyone knows that. Until that happens, Houston, we have a problem.

CJ Stroud BULLISH Psychedelic Meme T-Shirt Heavy Cotton Tee Gildan – Houston Texans

Select options

Post Views: 38

How the Tampa Bay Buccaneers Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone This Year

August 29, 2023November 26, 2023 Buzz McFly

How the Tampa Bay Buccaneers Can Get Balls Deep In That End Zone - Baker Mayfield Brings The Clap To Tampa Bay

Tom Brady is busy tossing salad, not footballs. That means the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have a very slim chance of getting balls deep in that end zone this year. Baker Mayfield? Are you fucking kidding me?

Listen, if you’re debating between Mayfield and Kyle Trask as your starting quarterback, you’re not getting balls deep into anything this year. Sorry Tampa, it’s going to be a while before you let ‘em hang again. At least you have two in the rafters, that’s more than the Buffalo Bills will ever have.

Not to rain on your parade, but rumor has it that not even Mayfield’s ex-wife thinks he can score anymore. If you are a Bucs fan, do you really think Baker can put a dozen in the oven each game, or do you think he doesn’t have the yeast?

Post Views: 53

3 Reasons Why the Jacksonville Jaguars Will Never Win a Super Bowl

August 28, 2023November 26, 2023 Harvey Ballbanger

The Jacksonville Jaguars are tied for being the third-youngest franchise in the NFL, so it’s understandable that they have yet to win a Super Bowl. Then again, if the Baltimore Ravens can do it, there’s no excuse for the Jaguars’ perpetual failures. As we saw back in 2014 when the Jaguars drafted Blake Bortles over Derek Carr, Aaron Donald, or Zack Martin, settling for less is just what Jacksonville does.

Yet, fans still have hope, and why shouldn’t they? Trevor Lawrence is him. Everyone always thinks Jesus is coming back. Little do they know he’s finally arrived in Duval County. But does that mean the Jags have what it takes to shag a Super Bowl? Not now, and not ever. Here’s why.

Post Views: 1,000

3 Reasons Why the Buffalo Bills Will Never Win a Super Bowl

August 24, 2023December 5, 2023 Harvey Ballbanger

If there’s one team that deserves to win a Super Bowl more than any other NFL franchise, it’s the Buffalo Bills, hands down. As Bills Mafia knows all too well, Buffalo has a long, storied history in the NFL’s biggest game. But it’s not a tale anyone wants to re-live.

Despite existing since the first Super Bowl was played back in 1967, the Bills have never earned a Lombardi Trophy. It’s not like they haven’t tried. The Bills have given it their all, becoming just one of two teams to lose all four times they’ve reached the final stage. Aside from maybe following the Cleveland Browns, it doesn’t get any worse than being a Bills fan.

Let’s be honest. Bills Mafia deserves a Super Bowl for their trolling alone. This is the best fanbase in football. But trophies aren’t won by fans busting their asses by launching into tables in the classiest ways. Not that the Bills would know what it takes to win anything. Even though you won’t find a team more desperate, here are three reasons why the Bills will never achieve their goal of winning a Super Bowl.

Post Views: 1,187

Why the Arizona Cardinals Will Win the Super Bowl This Season

August 23, 2023November 30, 2023 Harvey Ballbanger

The Arizona Cardinals have existed, in some form, since 1920. But they’ve never won a Super Bowl. Sure, they managed to lose one back in 2008, but who cares about the past? Life is all about the future. Using my birds-eye view, I see a Cardinals Super Bowl win coming at the end of the 2023-24 NFL season.

Steve Keim is no longer working the roster into a drunken stupor, and Kliff Kingsbury isn’t coaching this team anymore. It’s all uphill from here, with zero setbacks holding this franchise back.

Post Views: 1,054

How the Denver Broncos Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone This Year

August 21, 2023December 9, 2023 Buzz McFly

How the Denver Broncos can get balls deep - Sean Payton Can't Get Balls Deep Without Bounties

Sean Payton is an ignorant egotistical asshole. There is also evidence suggesting he is a psychopath from his time overlooking the Bountygate-era New Orleans Saints.

Post Views: 92

How the New England Patriots Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone This Year

August 20, 2023November 27, 2023 Buzz McFly

How the New England Patriots can get balls deep in that end zone - Mac Jones Can't Get Balls Deep

It’s no secret that Bill Belichick has assembled a top-notch defense for the New England Patriots, yet again. However, their offensive struggles have been well-documented since the departure of a certain Tom Brady. To be blunt, it’s been a while since the Patriots have gone balls deep in the playoffs so they can let ‘em hang again.

Unfortunately, Brady is too distracted to play football right now which means the Patriots’ offense is stuck with Mac Jones. Everyone knows Mac Jones can’t get balls deep. Malik Cunningham looks like the only player willing to jumpstart some life into this stagnant offense.

Post Views: 57

Pro Football Hall of Fame Realizes Monumental Mistake With Ronde Barber HOF Induction

August 16, 2023November 26, 2023 Harvey Ballbanger

On a memorable summer afternoon in early August, Ronde Barber and eight other legends were inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio. For many, like the Barber family, it’s a day they’ll celebrate forever. But for the Pro Football Hall of Fame, it’s a day they’ll never forget due to their monumental mistake.

Ronde and Tiki Barber are identical twins born seven minutes apart. But once they took to the gridiron, the individualities couldn’t be more different.

Tiki, the all-purpose running back who found joy in fumbling the Giants’ Super Bowl chances away, and Ronde, the hard-hitting cornerback who actually did have what it takes to win a Lombardi Trophy, led quite different NFL careers.

Post Views: 1,087