Category: Sports Satire

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Why Do the Arizona Diamondbacks Keep Murdering Birds?

Harvey Ballbanger
Arizona Diamondbacks

What is it with the Arizona Diamondbacks and murdering birds? It’s clearly been a long-instilled principle of the franchise that was founded back in 1998. Yet their urges to commit violent acts managed to go unnoticed until 2001 when hitman Randy Johnson pulled off the crime of the century before millions of witnesses. 

Johnson used his flamethrowing fastball, which topped out at 102 mph, to absolutely blow up an anonymous bird. When tried to reach for comment, not a single birder doing a big year was willing to speak on the matter. 

Obviously, we are at the foot of a major coverup, folks.

Yet, the D-Bags seem to think everyone had forgotten about when Randy Johnson’d a bird and have found another crony willing to stoop to their levels. 

In his fifth season with the D-Backs, poor Zac Gallen has been caught red-handed trying to drastically reduce the population of the feathered flying critters. 

Check out this clip of Gallen totally Randy Johnsoning a bird during a pre-game warmup on May 17.

What’s really crazy, and how we KNOW something is fishy here, is that Gallen didn’t even take the mound that day. It was supposed to be his day off. 

So why is he randomly going around, putting on pre-game circus acts like he’s part of the Harlem Globetrotters? This season has proven we’re in Zac Gallen’s world, not one catered to the winged wankers.

Not all members of the Diamondbacks have completely bought into the organizational mantra, which, as you’re probably well aware, is to hunt birds. Yet, these snakes still managed to find two hired guns in Johnson and Gallen, to carry out their vision.

Johnson raked in a whopping $84 million from 1998-2005 with the Diamondbacks. Gallen is set to earn $5.6 million in 2023, but now that he’s thrown his way into the Randy Johnson bird club, is it enough?

Unlike the Arizona Diamondbacks, no birds were harmed in the making of this article. 

This article was 100% satire, and nothing you have read on this page should be taken seriously.

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