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The great hockey forefathers always knew this day would come and it’s finally here. Back in 1875, Canada claimed it invented the sport of ice hockey. Maybe that’s true but the country’s performance on the ice at the sport’s highest level says otherwise.
Continue reading “Stanley Cup Finally Belongs to America for 30 Consecutive Years”
It’s finally happened folks. Aliens are here in Las Vegas, just in time for the NBA Summer League action. But there’s no reason to worry because it turns out they’re big basketball fans too.
Perhaps it’s time to rewatch Space Jam and reconsider the possibility that Michael Jordan and the Tune Squad teaming up with Newman from Seinfeld was indeed a true story instead of a silly fairytale meant to entertain.
Could you imagine if Jordan actually got stuck and had to become the latest, greatest attraction on Moron Mountain? The Bulls would have never had their historic threepeat from 1996-98. Clearly, he had some additional fuel that we didn’t learn about until years later.
But enough about MJ. Back to the fucking aliens man.
Continue reading “Aliens Arrive in Basketball-Shaped Spaceship at NBA Summer League in Las Vegas”
From getting booed at every single NFL Draft to drawing the ire of Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, it’s clear that absolutely nobody in the entire world respects or likes Roger Goodell. It seems as though other NFL owners are beginning to form a coup against Goodell as Jolly Roger’s welcome is wearing thin.
Appointed as the commissioner in 2006 by default, Goodell literally fell ass-backward into the sport’s most elusive gig: being the ultimate ball-licker to billionaires. Have you ever tasted the salty sweetness of billionaire balls? Well, Roger Goodell has, and he keeps lining up for more.
When legendary Hall of Fame commish Paul Tagliabue retired in 2006, a massive void was left behind. There was no doubt it was going to be impossible to fill Paul’s shoes. From 1989 to 2006, he oversaw one of the greatest eras in the history of football.
During this time, Paul allowed the John Madden video game franchise to raise the sport to new heights forever. That move alone catapulted football in front of baseball as America’s new favorite pastime, and nobody is interested in looking back anymore. Once steroids left baseball, people stopped watching.
However, the NFL is not as dumb as they look. They had a plan grooming for Paul’s eventual replacement long before Tagliabue ever became the commish. This leads us to the very first of three conclusive pieces of evidence providing proof that Roger Goodell is actually a clown:
Continue reading “Proof That Roger Goodell Is Actually a Clown”
A few people think Stephen Curry is good for the NBA, but they couldn’t be more wrong. While it’s true that Curry changed basketball, we can all agree he hasn’t positively influenced the game.
Chef Curry has completely wrecked the future of basketball. We may not see it yet, but eventually, there will be no more dunkers. The Dunk Contest? We’re already seeing it phased out. When was the last time you saw a truly jaw-dropping dunk?
It’s because no one even knows how to throw it down anymore. Think about it. The young generation is smart. They can do basic math. For everyone else, the numbers don’t quite match up. Here’s why:
Continue reading “How Stephen Curry Ruined the NBA”
Typically at A Fly On The Ball, all our content is produced by either Harvey Ballbanger or Buzz McFly. Today we have a fan submission by an M. Slater from Boston. He titled it ‘3 Things Bill Belichick Doesn’t Understand About Special Teams’. So without further ado, here is the passionate work written by a Mr. Slater from Boston.
After being relegated to EFL League Two following a pathetic effort in 2022-23 League One, the Forest Green Rovers have decided to hand the keys to a new leader. Out with the old and in with Hannah Dingley, who is set to become the very first woman to coach a men’s soccer team in English Football League history.
Something had to change. This sorry lot needs to learn how to grow a parody’s nuts, and who better to teach them than Dingley? She runs a tight ship, and her first order of business will be to whip these losers into shape. If anybody can tell the Rovers to grow a pair, it’s Dingley.
Who knows? Perhaps Dingley can even get the FGR F.C. to play with some fucking heart for once. It would help if the players actually showed some fucking enthusiasm and passion for the game. Just look at this sorry lot give the game away to the Oxford United last season:
Continue reading “Hannah Dingley Becomes First Woman To Coach Men’s Soccer Team in English Football League History”
Before the 2023 MLB season began, the New York Mets were generating a lot of buzz because Uncle Steve opened up the checkbook for pretty much anyone not named Jacob deGrom. Casual and bandwagon fans entered the season actually believing the Mets, of all franchises, successfully bought the 2023 World Series Championship before opening day.
However, real fans of both the Mets and baseball in general know better. First of all, it’s impossible to buy a championship in baseball. The Yankees try to do this every single year and they haven’t won since 2009. Perhaps Cohen hasn’t been introduced to the Steinbrenner family yet, who knows, but they’ve been in the baseball business for a minute.
Everyone in the Yankees organization probably found it pretty amusing to watch Cohen counting his chickens before they hatched. Steve announced his intentions to win a World Series during his introductory press conference after purchasing the New York Mets in 2020.
“If I don’t win the World Series in the next 3-5 years, I’d like to make it sooner, I would consider that slightly disappointing.”
– Steve Cohen
However, the very fact that Steve Cohen opened up the checkbook shouldn’t be a surprise to anybody. The guy could literally wipe his ass with Benjamin Franklin’s face and earn that $100 back before he folds the bill for a clean surface. Shit, he probably wouldn’t even fold, he just gets a crisp bill out for the next wipe. That’s how rich Uncle Steve is.
Yet, he spent a lot of money on big-name free agents knowing that you can’t buy a World Series. Or, at least he acted like he knew that in 2020:
“I can promise you we’re going to act like a major market team. Are we going to act like drunken sailors in the marketplace? No. We want to be thoughtful. You can spend a lot of money today and tie up your team for the next five years.
You build champions, you don’t buy them.”
– Uncle Steve Cohen
Which leads me to the very first way the New York Mets are exceeding expectations at almost the halfway point of the 2023 MLB season:
Continue reading “3 Ways the New York Mets Are Exceeding Expectations This Season”
We asked the same question every single year with Damian Lillard on the roster. Will the Portland Trail Blazers be any good this season?
Without Lillard, there’s no question at all. The Blazers will suck balls. Accept it. Own it.
But at least we know that from the start instead of clinging for hope during the past 11 seasons of turmoil.
Now we can move on with our lives, updating our social media profiles to say “Former Blazers fan” and taking the pledge to never watch another NBA game again.
Some may be upset, but let’s be real. It’s about damn time Dame Time is up. Let him be another franchise’s problem now.
Maybe the Blazers could even transform into the Seattle SuperSonics so NBA fans could have a team someone wouldn’t be embarrassed to root for again.
Meanwhile, it’s time to find a new hobby for the fans who won’t be included in the trade. Such is life.
But this is YOUR opportunity to get back at your ex. Show Lillard you never relied on him for happiness to begin with.
Besides, it’s not like the Blazers were ever winners before. Who even needed Lillard in their lives anyway!? To hell with him. The Blazers and their fanbase are much better off now than ever before.
Do you want to know what rooting for a team with Dame is like? It’s like believing a climax exists but never reaching it. Every single night. Congratulations to fans of whichever team Dame goes to, you’re about to give up orgasms for a while.
Craving More Ballbangers? – One NBA Free Agency Signing Every Team Still Needs To Make
Enjoyed The Laughs? Grab A Parody’s Nuts with The Official A Fly On The Ball Gear
The Race for Baseball’s Best Two-Way Player Since Babe Ruth Is On
Major League Baseball is about a month away from its annual trade deadline. For the 2023 MLB season, the trade deadline is August 1st. Every single year there are teams trying to buy a World Series Championship at the trade deadline, but history has proven that rarely works. This year, every team in baseball should be calling the Angels about their asking price for Shohei Ohtani.
Insightful advanced analytics provided by A Fly On The Ball’s team of Swamp Nuts suggest there may be a wiser alternative to this trade-deadline madness. This modern Moneyball approach could prove more beneficial to teams looking to build the foundation for long-term success, and it’s easy to understand why when you break it down.
You see, the way your grandfather built baseball teams is a little bit different than the way advanced metrics suggest you should do it. The idea is to work smarter, not harder. It’s actually a really simple concept to grasp.
Everyone thinks the shitty teams should be sellers, but that just doesn’t make sense if you look at the only stat that matters in sports, the W column. If your team sucks, you need to do whatever it takes to get better. Immediately.
In reality, the MLB trade deadline offers the perfect opportunity to bolster your roster for next season and beyond. Before you roll your eyes, you might want to make sure you’re not becoming your parents with your perspective.
If your goal as a baseball team is really to win the World Series, you need to start getting better now. Not getting worse. You might as well roll the dice on a star player with an expiring contract to see if you should throw the bag at him in the offseason.
You see, these current millennial GMs have forgotten that you used to be able to rent a movie at Blockbuster before buying it. It’s time to get back to the basics and make a Blockbuster trade for Shohei Ohtani.
There can only be one winner. This year, it was the Denver Nuggets, but now even the defending champions face massive challenges heading into NBA free agency.
For teams who didn’t make a splash in the NBA draft or via trade, the free agent market is the next best option. This year’s crop of talent includes a lot of key players, like James Harden and Kyrie Irving. But there’s a wide collection of athletes who have largely snuck under the radar and can help win an NBA championship next season.
Here is one realistic NBA free agency signing every team needs to make this summer. Is there a name we missed? Or perhaps a player who you feel is a better fit for your favorite team? Let us know in the comment section below.
