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How the Arizona Cardinals Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone This Year

Buzz McFly
How the Arizona Cardinals can get balls deep in that end zone - Arizona Cardinals Go Balls Deep Into Tank Mode - With Text

Without Kyler Murray, how could the Arizona Cardinals possibly expect to get balls deep in any end zone? It’s hard enough when your starting QB has to use Extenze just to get it in there. Keeping it up has become a problem for the Cardinals. Perhaps every team takes the identity of its fanbase, in one way or another.

Did you know the Cardinals don’t even know what it’s like to let ‘em hang? It’s true, the Cardinals have never won the Super Bowl. They’ve been to the big dance but they just didn’t have the stamina to last a full four quarters against the rock-hard Pittsburgh Steelers. 

Of course, that was ages ago and these aren’t your father’s Cardinals. Everybody assumed Colt McCoy would be able to ride off into the sunset as the starter for the Cardinals to hold the fort down until Murray returns from his surgery. Then, the Cards pulled a total dick move by waiving McCoy. 

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3 Reasons Why the Detroit Lions Will Never Win a Super Bowl

Harvey Ballbanger
Detroit Lions

Did you know the Detroit Lions are one of just two NFL franchises existing since 1946 to have never made a Super Bowl appearance? It’s pathetic but true. If you’re wondering, the Cleveland Browns are the other team mired in sadness. 

But being a Lions fan means you’re at rock bottom. Unlike the Browns, the Lions have existed since 1930, meaning they’ve been failing to win Super Bowls for almost 20 more years. In other words, it doesn’t get any worse than following the Lions if you’re a football fan. 

This isn’t some secret. It’s right out there in the open. The Lions are the worst franchise in NFL history, and it’s not even close. But this year is ‘different’. Detroit has a head coach with a Lion-sized chip on his shoulder and a talented roster ready to roar. It’s led to enormous expectations in The Mitten.

Detroit is looking to prove they not only deserve a chance to avoid relegation to Canada for the 95th year in a row but also that the Lions are ready to compete for the NFC North division crown. If all goes well, they could be taking their first-ever trip to the Super Bowl, but I’m here to tell you not to get your hopes up this year if you’ve somehow stumbled into being a Lions fan. Here are just three reasons why the Lions will never win a Super Bowl. 

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How the Jacksonville Jaguars Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone This Year

Buzz McFly
How the Jacksonville Jaguars can get balls deep this year - Trevor Lawrence Goes Balls Deep with Hippies - with Text - Final

When you have the fuckin’ Jesus on your bowling team, you never lose. It’s a league game, Smokey, there are rules. This isn’t ‘Nam, but nobody knows what it’s like to smell napalm in the morning more than Trevor Lawrence. T-Law be droppin’ bombs all day. He is the fuckin’ Jesus, man.

That’s why the Jacksonville Jaguars will have no problem getting balls deep in that end zone all season long. In fact, the Jaguars are the obvious pick to win the AFC South by a longshot. Who knows? If Lawrence and the Shaguars get hot, they might even have what it takes to finally let ‘em hang.

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How the Houston Oilers Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone To Reach Paydirt

Buzz McFly
How the Houston Oilers Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone Again

Listen, the Houston Oilers have not been balls deep in any end zone since 1996. That’s pathetic. If Oilers fans want to change that, there is a path to redemption. You may think the very notion of the Oilers ever scoring a touchdown again is asinine, but believe it or not, the door is not completely closed.

First things first, Houston needs to start marking their goddamn territory. Show the world that Houston has that dawg in them. Then, Rocket Town needs to take their team back. The truth is out there: the Tennessee Titans belong to Houston. Everyone knows that. Until that happens, Houston, we have a problem. 

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How the Tampa Bay Buccaneers Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone This Year

Buzz McFly
How the Tampa Bay Buccaneers Can Get Balls Deep In That End Zone - Baker Mayfield Brings The Clap To Tampa Bay

Tom Brady is busy tossing salad, not footballs. That means the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have a very slim chance of getting balls deep in that end zone this year. Baker Mayfield? Are you fucking kidding me?

Listen, if you’re debating between Mayfield and Kyle Trask as your starting quarterback, you’re not getting balls deep into anything this year. Sorry Tampa, it’s going to be a while before you let ‘em hang again. At least you have two in the rafters, that’s more than the Buffalo Bills will ever have.

Not to rain on your parade, but rumor has it that not even Mayfield’s ex-wife thinks he can score anymore. If you are a Bucs fan, do you really think Baker can put a dozen in the oven each game, or do you think he doesn’t have the yeast? 

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3 Reasons Why the Jacksonville Jaguars Will Never Win a Super Bowl

Harvey Ballbanger
Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jacksonville Jaguars are tied for being the third-youngest franchise in the NFL, so it’s understandable that they have yet to win a Super Bowl. Then again, if the Baltimore Ravens can do it, there’s no excuse for the Jaguars’ perpetual failures. As we saw back in 2014 when the Jaguars drafted Blake Bortles over Derek Carr, Aaron Donald, or Zack Martin, settling for less is just what Jacksonville does.

Yet, fans still have hope, and why shouldn’t they? Trevor Lawrence is him. Everyone always thinks Jesus is coming back. Little do they know he’s finally arrived in Duval County. But does that mean the Jags have what it takes to shag a Super Bowl? Not now, and not ever. Here’s why.

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How the Denver Broncos Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone This Year

Buzz McFly
How the Denver Broncos can get balls deep - Sean Payton Can't Get Balls Deep Without Bounties

Sean Payton is an ignorant egotistical asshole. There is also evidence suggesting he is a psychopath from his time overlooking the Bountygate-era New Orleans Saints.

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How the New England Patriots Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone This Year

Buzz McFly
How the New England Patriots can get balls deep in that end zone - Mac Jones Can't Get Balls Deep

It’s no secret that Bill Belichick has assembled a top-notch defense for the New England Patriots, yet again. However, their offensive struggles have been well-documented since the departure of a certain Tom Brady. To be blunt, it’s been a while since the Patriots have gone balls deep in the playoffs so they can let ‘em hang again.

Unfortunately, Brady is too distracted to play football right now which means the Patriots’ offense is stuck with Mac Jones. Everyone knows Mac Jones can’t get balls deep. Malik Cunningham looks like the only player willing to jumpstart some life into this stagnant offense. 

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How the Houston Texans Can Finally Get Balls Deep in That End Zone

Buzz McFly
How the Houston Texans Can Finally Get Balls Deep in That End Zone - hOUSTON TEXANS CAN'T GET BALLS DEEP

If you tuned in to the first NFL preseason game for the Houston Texans, it’s probably pretty clear they will not be getting balls deep in that end zone anytime soon. Houston, we have a problem. 

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How the Detroit Lions Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone This Year

Buzz McFly
How the Detroit Lions can get balls deep in that end zone - Dan Campbell Goes Balls Deep with Lions

No one will ever get balls deeper in that end zone than Dan Orlovsky in the history of the Detroit Lions. However, the 2023 Lions might actually win a few games. In fact, they almost could have had what it takes to compete for the NFC North crown.

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