Before Sean Payton could turn the tides around for the Denver Broncos, he needed to become one with the culture Colorado natives have embraced. This was Nathaniel Hackett’s biggest oversight during his brief stint in the Centennial State.
But not Payton. He’d make sure the vibes were different at Mile High this year.
Payton began laying the groundwork in the offseason. Before he even blew his first whistle in the thin, haze-filled Colorado air, Payton learned how to breathe. Or, to translate for those outside of the 420 area code, Payton learned how to inhale.
The Penguin of South Beach Already Planning His Next Big Move
This just in. Reports emerging out of Miami, Florida, have several eyewitness accounts of Jaylen Waddle frequenting the Miami Beach Boardwalk. The star Miami Dolphins wide receiver has certainly made a name for himself in South Beach.
Since emerging from the rolling Tuscaloosa tide, The Penguin of South Beach has waddled his way to fortune, fame, and respect. It’s still entirely unclear how a penguin is able to move with such lightning-quick speed, his elusiveness continues to puzzle the defense department. It seems as though nobody can catch Waddle, slow him down, or stop him.
Since 2021, Jaylen Waddle has snagged over 236 certified airmail packages while racking up over 3,114 yards of distance, on webbed feet. Over that timespan, The Penguin of South Beach has reached paydirt 17 times and counting. That’s a lot of waddles.
In 2023 alone, authorities have already credited 57 successful swipes by The Penguin of South Beach while estimating Waddle has covered at least 743 yards with the package in his possession. They even say he’s successfully delivered on his promises for at least three jobs requiring a touchdown approach, thus adding even more valuables to his vault this season.
As for his next big move, it’s no secret that Jaylen Waddle and his crew of Miami Dolphins have their eyes on the biggest prize of them all. That’s why Waddle has been seen frequenting the Miami Beach Boardwalk along with his hench-penguins lately.
Highlights From Accomplished NFL Career Cements Prestigious Honor For LT
If you are lucky enough to remember the 1986 Super Bowl Champion New York Giants, then Lawrence Taylor needs no introduction to you. LT was an absolute wrecking ball throughout the 1985 season on the football field. Sadly, many fans still don’t understand the toll that championship season had on Taylor.
New York Giants head coach Bill Parcells assembled a stellar staff of coaches for the 1985 NFL season, including pegging Bill Belichick as his defensive coordinator. 1985 was Belichick’s first season as the defensive coordinator of the Giants, he had already been a linebacker and special teams coach with Big Blue since 1979 up to that point.
Of course, much of Belichick’s rapid ascension in the NFL’s pecking order can probably be attributed to Lawrence Taylor’s otherworldly performance on the field. Despite Belichick’s massive success since those days, that fact has not been lost on old Bill over the years.
To this day, Bill Belichick still insists Lawrence Taylor is the greatest defensive player in the history of the NFL. Who are you to argue with the GOAT of modern head coaches? Even if you tried to make a case for somebody else, you’d lose all credibility debating against Belichick wearing a hoodie with the sleeves ripped off like a dollar store special. To quote Kendrick Lamar, “Sit down. Be humble.”
You don’t have to be a football guru to see Lawrence Taylor played like a man possessed by something on the football field. Just check out any LT highlight reel while you do a little line dancing of your own so you can feel the impact of every bone-crunching big hit.
Think you could handle a big hit from Lawrence Taylor?
If you want proof that cocaine fueled Taylor to a Hall Of Fame football career, it’s all right here. As a personal hero of mine, LT’s story inspires me to seek a big ol’ pile of blow to land in and see if a goddamn fly can make it in the NFL. It’s time for old Buzz McFly to hit the shake weight room.
Official Lawrence Taylor Shake Weight Endorsement Photo Shoot
Unfortunately, according to Taylor, Buzz McFly wouldn’t get away with it:
Carolina Panthers owner David Tepper isn’t exactly known for having patience. He may be a billionaire, but Tepper’s not capable of looking in the mirror and realizing where the real problem lies.
In addition to owning the Panthers, Tepper also owns Charlotte FC, a professional soccer team that’s actually been to the playoffs. Since they’ve only played two seasons, this is a notable feat. Especially considering the Panthers have missed the playoffs all six seasons since Tepper got involved.
Since Tepper’s ownership, the Panthers have played six seasons, and Charlotte has played two. In that time, Tepper has fired a total of five coaches.
At what point does he realize where the real problem lies?
Now you see him, now you don’t. It isn’t magic or grease on his jersey. That’s just the story of Barry Sanders, juking NFL defenders out of their cleats.
Between the lines, Sanders is in his own world. Just ask John Lynch.
Would-be tacklers thought they had the 5-foot-8 running back in their grasp, but just like Detroit LionsSuper Bowl wins, Sanders always seemed to find a new way out.
Then, one day, at the peak of his career, Sanders suddenly slipped away from the NFL for a moment, too.
Imagine this, you work hard your entire life, amassing millions of dollars throughout your career, only to retire with nothing more than a spacious little farm in Mississippi. Now you have more land and time than you know what to do with.
In the end, retirement isn’t always the peaceful fairytale ending everyone hopes for. Just ask Brett Favre, who has had more than just a little trouble finding ways to make ends meet since retiring. That’s why you’ll see Brett Favre starring as TheMustard Man to pay debts back.
For a while there, people were not even entirely convinced Favre actually retired from football, the game that gave him everything in life. Many people still think Favre could return to his old gunslinger ways any day now, there’s no doubt he still has that old cannon locked and loaded.
Imagine Brett Favre slinging it at Lambeau again now that Aaron Rodgers is out of the picture for good. Just the thought of it makes John Madden perk up a bit from the Great Beyond, he’s grilling some bratwursts and slow-roasting a turducken outside his bus just to get ready for the big game. Rumor has it, if Favre ever decides to play again, you might be able to hear Madden calling the game through a spirit box.
There has been plenty of speculation surrounding Mac Jones’ job security as the starting quarterback for the New England Patriots lately. Whether you are on the Jones bandwagon or not is irrelevant once you watch the tape. Facts are facts.
Jones simply isn’t the guy. His noodle-arm can’t push the ball down the field on a calm, sunny day in September. What makes anyone think he will be able to do it through the wicked swirling winds that come with a classic New England Nor’easter in the playoffs? Seriously, the tape never lies:
The Cincinnati Bengals have made it to the Super Bowl three times, but they’ve never been the better team, always failing to win on the NFL’s biggest stage. It’s an embarrassing fact for an up-and-coming franchise that has one of the league’s best quarterbacks on the roster with Joe Burrows.
But the Bengals were in the Super Bowl two years ago and came just four points away from changing the franchise’s status as a lifetime loser forever. The fans in Cincinnati haven’t given up hope since, clinging to the dream of joining the big leagues as a respectable NFL franchise.
Yet, the Bengals fanbase might want to re-evaluate their loyalty because those waiting on a Super Bowl will end up wasting all their time on a franchise that doesn’t have the same level of commitment to winning. Here are just three reasons why the Cincinnati Bengals will never win a Super Bowl, as sad as it sounds.
Giants Fans Want Mike Kafka Relieved of Play-Calling Duties Immediately
It’s no secret that New York Giants offensive coordinator Mike Kafka spends his time off the football field as one of the most evil people on the planet, Lex Luthor. The very first time you see Kafka’s satanic eyebrows, you’re left wondering when Spock went full bald eagle. At least when Kafka gets fired from the Giants, he will be able to resume his role as Spock in the upcoming Star Trek film:
Do you remember when Bryce Young stood tall among his peers as the best quarterback prospect available in the 2023 NFL Draft?
The Chicago Bears remember because they earned the first overall pick. Yet, with a franchise QB already in place, the Bears could smell desperation from the Carolina Panthers, with David Tepper eager to make another investment that had the potential to go to the moon.
But so far, investing in Bryce Young’s stock has gone tits up.
