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How the Miami Dolphins Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone This Year

Buzz McFly
How the Miami Dolphins Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone - TUA TAGOVAILOA CELEBRATES BIRTH OF SON NAMED BILL BELICHICK

Tua Tagovailoa Celebrates Birth of Son Named Bill Belichick

With a healthy Tua Tagovailoa, the Miami Dolphins should have no trouble getting balls deep in that end zone for the remainder of this season and beyond. The bigger challenge will be finding a way to keep Tua’s head in the game. That burden falls on the shoulders of the Dolphins’ offensive line.

So far, so good. Mike McDaniel’s scheme is righteous. His press conferences are must-see TV. Too bad Hard Knocks can’t get this guy on there, it might actually boost ratings. As for the Dolphins’ ability to slip it in there, it’s mating season in South Beach. 

This offense is rolling. The Dolphins have jet-ski wideouts in Tyreek Hill and Jaylen Waddle. Tagovailoa has been lighting up the skies with his aerial attack. Even the ground attack is getting the job done when called upon.

After all, the Dolphins are 2-0 after taking down the New England Patriots in primetime on Sunday Night Football in Week 2 of the 2023 NFL season. Tagovailoa absolutely owns the Patriots in his career thus far, boasting a perfect 5-0 record against the once-mighty AFC East dynasty.

Ironically, Tagovailoa celebrated the birth of his second child on Sunday night. The newborn arrived minutes after emerging victorious over the Patriots for the fifth time in a row. 

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Brandon Staley Calls Fire Department To Report Flames Under His Seat

Buzz McFly
Brandon Staley Calls Fire Department To Report Flames Under His Seat - Brandon Staley Flushes Chargers Job Down Toilet

Los Angeles Chargers Head Coach Already On Hot Seat

What happens when you are a defensive-minded head coach in the NFL who has one of the elite young quarterbacks in the league? High expectations. Both the fans and front office expect the defense to keep its young gunslinger in every single game. Unfortunately, for Brandon Staley and the Los Angeles Chargers, Justin Herbert can’t sling it and play defense. It’s not his job.

Things haven’t exactly been going smoothly for the Bolts this season, which only adds fuel to the fire after the Chargers lost their Wild Card playoff game in historical fashion last season. Even Staley is feeling the pressure, which is why he called his local fire department to report flames under his seat after watching film of his squad’s latest loss.

Once the fire department arrived, they could not find any signs of a potential fire whatsoever. As a result, the LAFD recommended Staley seek professional help to help him with his panic attacks, Todd Haley-level paranoia, and hallucinogenic trauma. Even the LAFD can see the writing on the wall, they want him fired just as much as the rest of Los Angeles.

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Why the Indianapolis Colts Will Win the Super Bowl This Season

Harvey Ballbanger
Indianapolis Colts

The Indianapolis Colts have the third-worst Super Bowl odds this season, and it’s fuckin’ bullshit. The entire world is sleeping on the Colts, and I’m here to set the record straight.

Yeah, I realize the Colts haven’t won the Super Bowl since 2007. Fans know they haven’t won more than one playoff game since 2014. Sure, the last time we saw the Colts, they couldn’t even muster five wins. Last year, Jeff Saturday was more interested in tanking for Anthony Richardson while allowing the greatest comeback in football history, but that only sets up a more inspiring tale for Shane Steichen and Co. in 2023.

I won’t spend any time dwelling on the somber notes. Let’s cut to the chase. I’m not afraid to tell you what no one else has the cojones to say. The Indianapolis Colts are winning Super Bowl 58. Here’s why. 

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How Patrick Mahomes and the Kansas City Chiefs Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone This Year

Buzz McFly
How Patrick Mahomes and the Kansas City Chiefs can get balls deep in that end zone this year - Kadarius Toney Drops Balls Deep Dimes On Patrick Mahomes - With Text

Yikes. The 2023 NFL Season kicked off with an upset and it’s no secret Patrick Mahomes looks like he’s in mid-season form. He was slinging it like the MVP he is out there but somehow the Kansas City Chiefs couldn’t get balls deep in the end zone like they’re used to.

On a Thursday night season opener in a very hostile Arrowhead Stadium, the Detroit Lions came out of the locker room ready to get physical. They played hard-nosed football for 60 minutes but even they tried to give the Chiefs the game several times.

While marching down the field and shoving the football down the throats of the Chiefs’ defense during the 2023 NFL Season Kickoff Game, the Lions Goffed up a snap and somehow recovered. Then, just as Lions fans could taste the end zone, Marvin Jones Jr. Goffed up the football to give Mahomes another chance. That’s when things got a little weird.

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3 Reasons Why the Los Angeles Chargers Will Never Win a Super Bowl

Harvey Ballbanger
Los Angeles Chargers

The Los Angeles Chargers have existed, in some form, since the very first Super Bowl. Despite being around for 58 years, the Bolts have failed every single time in their quest to win a Lombardi Trophy, as amazing as it sounds.

At some point, one has to wonder if the Chargers are even trying to win a Super Bowl, but that just couldn’t be possible, right? Yeah, we didn’t think so either.

However, I, Harvey Ballbanger, am willing to bet that the Los Angeles Chargers will never win a Super Bowl. Here’s why: 

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How the Arizona Cardinals Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone This Year

Buzz McFly
How the Arizona Cardinals can get balls deep in that end zone - Arizona Cardinals Go Balls Deep Into Tank Mode - With Text

Without Kyler Murray, how could the Arizona Cardinals possibly expect to get balls deep in any end zone? It’s hard enough when your starting QB has to use Extenze just to get it in there. Keeping it up has become a problem for the Cardinals. Perhaps every team takes the identity of its fanbase, in one way or another.

Did you know the Cardinals don’t even know what it’s like to let ‘em hang? It’s true, the Cardinals have never won the Super Bowl. They’ve been to the big dance but they just didn’t have the stamina to last a full four quarters against the rock-hard Pittsburgh Steelers. 

Of course, that was ages ago and these aren’t your father’s Cardinals. Everybody assumed Colt McCoy would be able to ride off into the sunset as the starter for the Cardinals to hold the fort down until Murray returns from his surgery. Then, the Cards pulled a total dick move by waiving McCoy. 

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3 Reasons Why the Detroit Lions Will Never Win a Super Bowl

Harvey Ballbanger
Detroit Lions

Did you know the Detroit Lions are one of just two NFL franchises existing since 1946 to have never made a Super Bowl appearance? It’s pathetic but true. If you’re wondering, the Cleveland Browns are the other team mired in sadness. 

But being a Lions fan means you’re at rock bottom. Unlike the Browns, the Lions have existed since 1930, meaning they’ve been failing to win Super Bowls for almost 20 more years. In other words, it doesn’t get any worse than following the Lions if you’re a football fan. 

This isn’t some secret. It’s right out there in the open. The Lions are the worst franchise in NFL history, and it’s not even close. But this year is ‘different’. Detroit has a head coach with a Lion-sized chip on his shoulder and a talented roster ready to roar. It’s led to enormous expectations in The Mitten.

Detroit is looking to prove they not only deserve a chance to avoid relegation to Canada for the 95th year in a row but also that the Lions are ready to compete for the NFC North division crown. If all goes well, they could be taking their first-ever trip to the Super Bowl, but I’m here to tell you not to get your hopes up this year if you’ve somehow stumbled into being a Lions fan. Here are just three reasons why the Lions will never win a Super Bowl. 

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How the Jacksonville Jaguars Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone This Year

Buzz McFly
How the Jacksonville Jaguars can get balls deep this year - Trevor Lawrence Goes Balls Deep with Hippies - with Text - Final

When you have the fuckin’ Jesus on your bowling team, you never lose. It’s a league game, Smokey, there are rules. This isn’t ‘Nam, but nobody knows what it’s like to smell napalm in the morning more than Trevor Lawrence. T-Law be droppin’ bombs all day. He is the fuckin’ Jesus, man.

That’s why the Jacksonville Jaguars will have no problem getting balls deep in that end zone all season long. In fact, the Jaguars are the obvious pick to win the AFC South by a longshot. Who knows? If Lawrence and the Shaguars get hot, they might even have what it takes to finally let ‘em hang.

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How the Houston Oilers Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone To Reach Paydirt

Buzz McFly
How the Houston Oilers Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone Again

Listen, the Houston Oilers have not been balls deep in any end zone since 1996. That’s pathetic. If Oilers fans want to change that, there is a path to redemption. You may think the very notion of the Oilers ever scoring a touchdown again is asinine, but believe it or not, the door is not completely closed.

First things first, Houston needs to start marking their goddamn territory. Show the world that Houston has that dawg in them. Then, Rocket Town needs to take their team back. The truth is out there: the Tennessee Titans belong to Houston. Everyone knows that. Until that happens, Houston, we have a problem. 

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How the Tampa Bay Buccaneers Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone This Year

Buzz McFly
How the Tampa Bay Buccaneers Can Get Balls Deep In That End Zone - Baker Mayfield Brings The Clap To Tampa Bay

Tom Brady is busy tossing salad, not footballs. That means the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have a very slim chance of getting balls deep in that end zone this year. Baker Mayfield? Are you fucking kidding me?

Listen, if you’re debating between Mayfield and Kyle Trask as your starting quarterback, you’re not getting balls deep into anything this year. Sorry Tampa, it’s going to be a while before you let ‘em hang again. At least you have two in the rafters, that’s more than the Buffalo Bills will ever have.

Not to rain on your parade, but rumor has it that not even Mayfield’s ex-wife thinks he can score anymore. If you are a Bucs fan, do you really think Baker can put a dozen in the oven each game, or do you think he doesn’t have the yeast? 

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