SPORTS MEMES, SATIRE & PARODY
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Jimmy Butler recently used the NBA’s media day to unveil a new look while announcing his retirement from being a man to focus on his new emo band, Jimmy Escapes World. It’s no secret the Miami Heat are in a difficult position entering the 2023-24 NBA season. Butler’s shocking retirement certainly isn’t going to help.
Continue reading “Jimmy Butler Retires from NBA to Start Emo Band”
The Minnesota Timberwolves are going balls deep this season. They already have the best shooting big man in the NBA with Karl-Anthony Towns, and now they have another ace in the hole with Rudy Gobert.
Previously, the biggest knock on the three-time Defensive Player of the Year’s game was his lack of an offensive game, but it’s obvious The Stifle Tower plans to erase all weaknesses. Just look at how graceful his three-point shot is here.
Continue reading “Rudy Gobert Reveals Minnesota Timberwolves’ Plot To Dominate NBA With 3-Point Shooting”
Few things can spike ratings more than controversy, which is literally the only reason Skip Bayless still has a job on television. At a time when ESPN is slashing payroll faster than it takes Michael Myers to find his knife, the freakshow Bayless is somehow commanding a ridiculous salary from FOX Sports.
Skip Bayless is known for his hot takes that sound like they were schemed by a psychopathic contrarian, just to gauge reactions. In modern times, these controversial takes make waves while the entire world looks to Twitter or wherever the Scarecrow talking head is spewing his bullshit.
The irony here is that Skip actually thinks he is a well-liked guy with popular opinions. That couldn’t be further from the truth. In reality, the whole world is actually making fun of Bayless, not laughing with him.
When it comes to pretty much anything, this guy is the dictionary definition of a shithead. Here are the 4 reasons why Skip Bayless is full of shit:
Continue reading “4 Reasons Why Skip Bayless Is Full of Shit”
Zion Williamson is just four years into his NBA career, and at this point, he’s known more for what he does off the court than on the waxed wood. It’s a hard but honest truth for the former No. 1 overall pick out of Duke.
Williamson grinded through just 29 games last season because he was consumed with banging out the best sex tape we’ve seen since Reggie Bush teamed up with Kim Kardashian for a memorable and inspiring performance. Scouts say this explosive tale has the potential to win Oscars.
Continue reading “Zion Williamson Gives Up Sex To Take NBA Career Seriously”
It’s finally happened folks. Aliens are here in Las Vegas, just in time for the NBA Summer League action. But there’s no reason to worry because it turns out they’re big basketball fans too.
Perhaps it’s time to rewatch Space Jam and reconsider the possibility that Michael Jordan and the Tune Squad teaming up with Newman from Seinfeld was indeed a true story instead of a silly fairytale meant to entertain.
Could you imagine if Jordan actually got stuck and had to become the latest, greatest attraction on Moron Mountain? The Bulls would have never had their historic threepeat from 1996-98. Clearly, he had some additional fuel that we didn’t learn about until years later.
But enough about MJ. Back to the fucking aliens man.
Continue reading “Aliens Arrive in Basketball-Shaped Spaceship at NBA Summer League in Las Vegas”
A few people think Stephen Curry is good for the NBA, but they couldn’t be more wrong. While it’s true that Curry changed basketball, we can all agree he hasn’t positively influenced the game.
Chef Curry has completely wrecked the future of basketball. We may not see it yet, but eventually, there will be no more dunkers. The Dunk Contest? We’re already seeing it phased out. When was the last time you saw a truly jaw-dropping dunk?
It’s because no one even knows how to throw it down anymore. Think about it. The young generation is smart. They can do basic math. For everyone else, the numbers don’t quite match up. Here’s why:
Continue reading “How Stephen Curry Ruined the NBA”
Madison Square Garden has never witnessed a true winner walk through those doors. Without one of these trades, they may never see one, especially if they continue to ignore our well-thought-out free agency recommendations. That’s the sad reality, and New York Knicks fans know it all too well.
But we won’t harp on the fact that, historically, the New York Knickerbockers are losers, with a career win rate below .500. We’re certainly not going to go on and on about how the Knicks have existed for 77 seasons yet have only won the NBA championship a measly two times. That’s a success rate of just 2.5%.
Of course, New Yorkers are the smartest, most in-touch sports fans in the entire world. I don’t need to remind them of the Knicks now having gone 50 consecutive years without winning a goddamned thing.
It’s clear the Knicks don’t know what they’re doing when building a basketball team. They’re a developmental squad fit for the G League more than belonging with winners in the NBA. The Knicks are the Flint City Tropics. Hands down.
Players around the association view the Knicks as a stepping stone, where players do a stint in New York, then go on to win a championship not long after, as DeAndre Jordan just did in Denver. No one actually takes the Knicks seriously. We certainly don’t and you shouldn’t either.
That’s why it’s so important for the Knicks to land one, just one, of these five players this summer. Let us know if you agree. Like the Knicks, we love nothing more than to hear from our passionate fanbase.
Continue reading “5 Unique Stars New York Knicks Need to Trade for Next”
We asked the same question every single year with Damian Lillard on the roster. Will the Portland Trail Blazers be any good this season?
Without Lillard, there’s no question at all. The Blazers will suck balls. Accept it. Own it.
But at least we know that from the start instead of clinging for hope during the past 11 seasons of turmoil.
Now we can move on with our lives, updating our social media profiles to say “Former Blazers fan” and taking the pledge to never watch another NBA game again.
Some may be upset, but let’s be real. It’s about damn time Dame Time is up. Let him be another franchise’s problem now.
Maybe the Blazers could even transform into the Seattle SuperSonics so NBA fans could have a team someone wouldn’t be embarrassed to root for again.
Meanwhile, it’s time to find a new hobby for the fans who won’t be included in the trade. Such is life.
But this is YOUR opportunity to get back at your ex. Show Lillard you never relied on him for happiness to begin with.
Besides, it’s not like the Blazers were ever winners before. Who even needed Lillard in their lives anyway!? To hell with him. The Blazers and their fanbase are much better off now than ever before.
Do you want to know what rooting for a team with Dame is like? It’s like believing a climax exists but never reaching it. Every single night. Congratulations to fans of whichever team Dame goes to, you’re about to give up orgasms for a while.
Craving More Ballbangers? – One NBA Free Agency Signing Every Team Still Needs To Make
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There can only be one winner. This year, it was the Denver Nuggets, but now even the defending champions face massive challenges heading into NBA free agency.
For teams who didn’t make a splash in the NBA draft or via trade, the free agent market is the next best option. This year’s crop of talent includes a lot of key players, like James Harden and Kyrie Irving. But there’s a wide collection of athletes who have largely snuck under the radar and can help win an NBA championship next season.
Here is one realistic NBA free agency signing every team needs to make this summer. Is there a name we missed? Or perhaps a player who you feel is a better fit for your favorite team? Let us know in the comment section below.
Things have been changing in Phoenix, Arizona lately. Just when you thought all things had grown quiet regarding the Chris Paul situation, the Phoenix Suns decided to drop a parody’s nuts in real life by trading CP3 for Bradley Beal.
There is no debate that awe-inspiring offensive basketball is one of the primary reasons why the game is so exciting. Shit, fans of the Showtime Lakers are in their goddamn nineties now, but they can probably still get it up when they watch the modern evolution of the game.
There’s only one problem, putting on an offensive show without playing a lick of defense only wins fans, not championships. If you could win championships based on ticket sales alone, every team would stop playing defense entirely. Every NBA game would look like a god-awful All-Star Game, night in and night out.
Fortunately, for the sake of all sports, it’s still beneficial to play great defense in the NBA. If you make enough of a collective team effort on defense, you can even become champions.
For example, the 2023 NBA Finals champion Denver Nuggets were one of the worst defensive teams in the Association to begin the 2022-23 campaign. By the time the playoffs came around, the Nuggets whipped themselves into a championship-caliber defensive team.
If winning a Larry O’Brien is at the top of the list as a franchise, you must put some kind of priority on playing defense. If you can get the entire team to buy in, you might even build a fucking winner.
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The Phoenix Suns have proven they intend on selling tickets, not winning championships, by trading Chris Paul for Bradley Beal. Here are the details of the trade that sent Chris Paul to the Washington Wizards (Paul has since been traded to the Golden State Warriors) in exchange for Bradley Beal:
Continue reading “3 Reasons Why the Bradley Beal Phoenix Suns Experiment Is Already Over”
