Harvey Ballbanger

Harvey Ballbanger loves to shoot the shit. If he were bigger, he’d probably be a baller. Hell, if he hadn’t gotten a wing clipped, he’d be Ballbangin’ for the NFL right now, messing around with triple-doubles in his downtime in the NBA. But that isn’t the case. Instead, Ballbanger’s letting it all hang out, delivering fresh piles, from one throne to another.

LeBron James Absolutely Prefers Watching NBA Finals Over Competing at 38 Years Old

Harvey Ballbanger
LeBron James, NBA Finals

For the tenth time in his career, LeBron James has chosen not to participate in the NBA Finals. With four championship rings sitting at home, you won’t hear even a buzz of the 19-time All-Star being interested in another NBA title run any time soon.

After the Los Angeles Lakers’ 58th failure to win an NBA championship, the complacent James is once again gleefully settling back into his imprinted couch groove, where he could be found in each of the past three years, an annual trend at this point in the former high school great’s career.

Despite the NBA’s desire for James to play on the Association’s biggest stage, evidenced by the Lakers having the highest free throw differential in 2023, this is a player-driven league. The Lakers have enough titles, and James isn’t in it for the accolades. He’s made that clear several times.

Enjoying The Laughs? Grab A Parody’s Nuts with The Official A Fly On The Ball Gear

Nothing LeBron James Would Rather Do Than Watch NBA Finals

At this point, after being in the league for 20 seasons, there is nothing James would rather do than watch the NBA Finals instead of competing for a chance to win another clunky championship ring. 

After all, he’s managed to avoid having to lift the roughly 30-pound Larry O’Brien Trophy in 16-of-20 NBA seasons. Now 38 years old, that additional day of lifting takes a true toll on the wilting former Florida resident. 

Life hasn’t been entirely miserable for James since Adam Silver took over as commissioner from David Stern in 2014. Under Silver’s control, James has only had to lift the NBA Finals Trophy once. Meanwhile, James’ hand was forced three times under Stern’s narrative. 

Somehow, Silver fooled the public in 2020, sneaking everyone away to a concealed bubble and rigging the system so James had to take the trophy home one last time. But the former Cleveland Cavaliers’ No. 1 pick hadn’t forgotten his roots. 

Later, in 2023, when the Lakers would be locked into paying him $44.4 million whether James led L.A. to an NBA Finals appearance or not, LBJ finally put his foot down and made sure the Lakers wouldn’t stand a chance of advancing to the final stage by once again putting together a roster of misfits. 

The thing is, he already played 55 games during the regular season and 16 more in the playoffs. Anything more than that, and James runs the risk of nearly playing a full 82-game season. That’s just not enticing for the 2004 NBA Rookie of the Year. Where’s the incentive? 

Get the latest Buzz: Did Bob Myers Reject Golden State Warriors’ Record Offer to Focus on Golf?

James Less Grumpy When He Can Rest in June

Besides, based on several local ballbangers close to the situation, James is emotionally in a much better place when he can get his rest days at the start of June when the NBA’s best are playing for a chance at a title. 

James is a massive basketball fan, and June is when enthusiasts can tune into the biggest NBA event of the season. Who wouldn’t want to be in your element (for James, that’s at home) during one of the most-anticipated matchups of the year? That’s when the greats are at work. 

Of course, James’ early vacation is in addition to taking several millennial days off in-season, where the Akron, Ohio native has masterfully gone 19 years without playing all 82 games.

Instead of being forced to play by the league office, James gets to enjoy a few brewskis with the fellas or just get couch-locked when the edibles kick in as he sails smoothly into the evening while binge-watching something on Netflix. 

The Chosen One lives on his own terms. Jumping when he chooses, firing teammates on sight, and making trades when someone gets too close to uncovering his plot. These are the facts. 

James may return to the NBA Finals later in his career, but it won’t be by choice. He’d much rather be at home, watching the greatest athletes of our generation put it all on the line as they chase their dream, making the kind of memories true fans of the game will never be able to forget instead.

As we know, sitting out of the Finals is what he’s best at, even if he’s led some misinformed sports ‘fans’ to believe otherwise. And that’s why LeBron James is the GOAT. 

Continue reading “LeBron James Absolutely Prefers Watching NBA Finals Over Competing at 38 Years Old”
Post Views: 39

Pop Warner Parent Bails on Son’s Football Game at Halftime After ‘Too Much Disappointment’

Harvey Ballbanger
football

Here’s one we don’t see every day on the gridiron. Somewhere, on a football field near you, a parent just bailed on his kid during a Pop Warner game. We’ll leave our judgment at the door.

As you can imagine, more details are needed. Did the parent have an emergency to get to? Maybe they’re headed to scoop up a nice, hearty post-game meal that wipes the little tiger out after such an exhausting evening. 

Nope. Those excuses would have been acceptable, perhaps even celebrated in some cases. Instead, what this father chose to do took a much different turn. He simply didn’t like what he witnessed, saw his opportunity with a bit of extra commotion at halftime, and just left. He didn’t come back and he never planned to. The coach later had to give the kid a ride back home to a very, very disappointed father. 

“Listen, he’s no Manning. You saw him out there. I’ve already sat through too much disappointment from him this season. This kid’s got no heart and he’s soft as hell. I heard one guy, near where I was sitting, tell him to stick to Legos. Between you and me, I couldn’t agree more. This kid’s got no future and you know what? I blame his mother.“

“Are you kidding me? I put in nine fucking hours of work, dealing with my asshole boss, then I have to bust my balls to get to this shitty place, night after fucking night, just to watch my son put forth no fucking effort at all?”

He insisted on continuing… “Like, what are we doing here? How did he even make the team? Who’s coaching these assholes? Pardon my language, I’m not usually like this, but this is complete bullshit. Someone has to do something, and it’s time I stand up for every parent out there without a voice. I know my kid won’t keep getting away with this. So, yeah, you know what, I left, and I’ll fucking do it again.”

Wow, well, the language is a bit much here, and for the record, Pop Warner rules regulate that there are no tryouts, and everyone makes the team. So, as bad as this clumsy creature may be at football, his dad won’t be getting his wish of his son getting cut from the team any time soon. He might have to keep toughing these horrific evenings out, “night after fucking night.”

To some, what this random father did may sound distasteful. He may not have handled some aspects well, but to others, in some ways, his act could inspire an entire nation. One that is sick and tired of sitting through pathetic performances, night after fucking night. 

What say you, is it time to start a trend of going home at halftime (or sooner if you’re stuck with a REALLY bad dud)? Chances are, you wouldn’t be the first, and you won’t be the last.

For parents who gasped when reading this, you should know there are thousands of other disappointed adults out there just like you, who are sick and tired of sitting through pathetic performances night after fucking night, but no, we haven’t, like, ditched our kids at the ball game or anything, not completely anyway. But we’ve thought about it. A LOT.

Craving more Ballbangers? – Why Do the Arizona Diamondbacks Keep Murdering Birds?

Enjoy The Laughs? Grab A Parody’s Nuts with The Official A Fly On The Ball Gear

Post Views: 40

Why Do the Arizona Diamondbacks Keep Murdering Birds?

Harvey Ballbanger
Arizona Diamondbacks

What is it with the Arizona Diamondbacks and murdering birds? It’s clearly been a long-instilled principle of the franchise that was founded back in 1998. Yet their urges to commit violent acts managed to go unnoticed until 2001 when hitman Randy Johnson pulled off the crime of the century before millions of witnesses. 

Johnson used his flamethrowing fastball, which topped out at 102 mph, to absolutely blow up an anonymous bird. When tried to reach for comment, not a single birder doing a big year was willing to speak on the matter. 

Obviously, we are at the foot of a major coverup, folks.

Yet, the D-Bags seem to think everyone had forgotten about when Randy Johnson’d a bird and have found another crony willing to stoop to their levels. 

In his fifth season with the D-Backs, poor Zac Gallen has been caught red-handed trying to drastically reduce the population of the feathered flying critters. 

Check out this clip of Gallen totally Randy Johnsoning a bird during a pre-game warmup on May 17.

What’s really crazy, and how we KNOW something is fishy here, is that Gallen didn’t even take the mound that day. It was supposed to be his day off. 

So why is he randomly going around, putting on pre-game circus acts like he’s part of the Harlem Globetrotters? This season has proven we’re in Zac Gallen’s world, not one catered to the winged wankers.

Not all members of the Diamondbacks have completely bought into the organizational mantra, which, as you’re probably well aware, is to hunt birds. Yet, these snakes still managed to find two hired guns in Johnson and Gallen, to carry out their vision.

Johnson raked in a whopping $84 million from 1998-2005 with the Diamondbacks. Gallen is set to earn $5.6 million in 2023, but now that he’s thrown his way into the Randy Johnson bird club, is it enough?

Unlike the Arizona Diamondbacks, no birds were harmed in the making of this article. 

This article was 100% satire, and nothing you have read on this page should be taken seriously.

Enjoying The Laughs? Grab A Parody’s Nuts with The Official A Fly On The Ball Gear

Craving more Ballbangers? – Pop Warner Parent Bails on Son’s Football Game at Halftime After ‘Too Much Disappointment’

Post Views: 1,155