Buzz McFly hears all the latest buzz through his impressive network consisting of millions of flies swarming near every pile of shit in the entire world. When shit goes down, Buzz has eyes on the scene waiting to bask in the latest filth and dirt. Growing up an avid sports fan, his credibility in the field is second to none. He comes from a long line of spectator sporting event reporters willing to lay it all on the line for a fresh scoop of the latest news before it breaks wind anywhere else.
Few things can spike ratings more than controversy, which is literally the only reason Skip Bayless still has a job on television. At a time when ESPN is slashing payroll faster than it takes Michael Myers to find his knife, the freakshow Bayless is somehow commanding a ridiculous salary from FOX Sports.
Skip Bayless is known for his hot takes that sound like they were schemed by a psychopathic contrarian, just to gauge reactions. In modern times, these controversial takes make waves while the entire world looks to Twitter or wherever the Scarecrow talking head is spewing his bullshit.
The irony here is that Skip actually thinks he is a well-liked guy with popular opinions. That couldn’t be further from the truth. In reality, the whole world is actually making fun of Bayless, not laughing with him.
When it comes to pretty much anything, this guy is the dictionary definition of a shithead. Here are the 4 reasons why Skip Bayless is full of shit:
1926 NHL Stanley Cup Treaty Gives United States Full Ownership of Hockey
The great hockey forefathers always knew this day would come and it’s finally here. Back in 1875, Canada claimed it invented the sport of ice hockey. Maybe that’s true but the country’s performance on the ice at the sport’s highest level says otherwise.
From getting booed at every single NFL Draft to drawing the ire of Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, it’s clear that absolutely nobody in the entire world respects or likes Roger Goodell. It seems as though other NFL owners are beginning to form a coup against Goodell as Jolly Roger’s welcome is wearing thin.
Appointed as the commissioner in 2006 by default, Goodell literally fell ass-backward into the sport’s most elusive gig: being the ultimate ball-licker to billionaires. Have you ever tasted the salty sweetness of billionaire balls? Well, Roger Goodell has, and he keeps lining up for more.
When legendary Hall of Fame commish Paul Tagliabue retired in 2006, a massive void was left behind. There was no doubt it was going to be impossible to fill Paul’s shoes. From 1989 to 2006, he oversaw one of the greatest eras in the history of football.
During this time, Paul allowed the John Madden video game franchise to raise the sport to new heights forever. That move alone catapulted football in front of baseball as America’s new favorite pastime, and nobody is interested in looking back anymore. Once steroids left baseball, people stopped watching.
However, the NFL is not as dumb as they look. They had a plan grooming for Paul’s eventual replacement long before Tagliabue ever became the commish. This leads us to the very first of three conclusive pieces of evidence providing proof that Roger Goodell is actually a clown:
The Forest Green Rovers Appoint Hannah Dingley as Caretaker Manager
After being relegated to EFL League Two following a pathetic effort in 2022-23 League One, the Forest Green Rovers have decided to hand the keys to a new leader. Out with the old and in with Hannah Dingley, who is set to become the very first woman to coach a men’s soccer team in English Football League history.
Something had to change. This sorry lot needs to learn how to grow a parody’s nuts, and who better to teach them than Dingley? She runs a tight ship, and her first order of business will be to whip these losers into shape. If anybody can tell the Rovers to grow a pair, it’s Dingley.
Who knows? Perhaps Dingley can even get the FGR F.C. to play with some fucking heart for once. It would help if the players actually showed some fucking enthusiasm and passion for the game. Just look at this sorry lot give the game away to the Oxford United last season:
Before the 2023 MLB season began, the New York Mets were generating a lot of buzz because Uncle Steve opened up the checkbook for pretty much anyone not named Jacob deGrom. Casual and bandwagon fans entered the season actually believing the Mets, of all franchises, successfully bought the 2023 World Series Championship before opening day.
However, real fans of both the Mets and baseball in general know better. First of all, it’s impossible to buy a championship in baseball. The Yankees try to do this every single year and they haven’t won since 2009. Perhaps Cohen hasn’t been introduced to the Steinbrenner family yet, who knows, but they’ve been in the baseball business for a minute.
Everyone in the Yankees organization probably found it pretty amusing to watch Cohen counting his chickens before they hatched. Steve announced his intentions to win a World Series during his introductory press conference after purchasing the New York Mets in 2020.
“If I don’t win the World Series in the next 3-5 years, I’d like to make it sooner, I would consider that slightly disappointing.”
– Steve Cohen
However, the very fact that Steve Cohen opened up the checkbook shouldn’t be a surprise to anybody. The guy could literally wipe his ass with Benjamin Franklin’s face and earn that $100 back before he folds the bill for a clean surface. Shit, he probably wouldn’t even fold, he just gets a crisp bill out for the next wipe. That’s how rich Uncle Steve is.
Yet, he spent a lot of money on big-name free agents knowing that you can’t buy a World Series. Or, at least he acted like he knew that in 2020:
“I can promise you we’re going to act like a major market team. Are we going to act like drunken sailors in the marketplace? No. We want to be thoughtful. You can spend a lot of money today and tie up your team for the next five years.
You build champions, you don’t buy them.”
– Uncle Steve Cohen
Which leads me to the very first way the New York Mets are exceeding expectations at almost the halfway point of the 2023 MLB season:
Rookie Driver Wins His First Ever NASCAR Cup Series Race Without Even Trying
A Fly On The Ball would like to congratulate Shane van Gisbergen on becoming the first driver since 1963 to win his inaugural NASCAR race. Van Gisbergen proved to the entire world that NASCAR racing is not very difficult at all.
Like a real-life version of Days of Thunder, Shane van Gisbergen had never driven a stock car in a NASCAR race before July 2, 2023.
The Race for Baseball’s Best Two-Way Player Since Babe Ruth Is On
Major League Baseball is about a month away from its annual trade deadline. For the 2023 MLB season, the trade deadline is August 1st. Every single year there are teams trying to buy a World Series Championship at the trade deadline, but history has proven that rarely works. This year, every team in baseball should be calling the Angels about their asking price for Shohei Ohtani.
Insightful advanced analytics provided by A Fly On The Ball’s team of Swamp Nuts suggest there may be a wiser alternative to this trade-deadline madness. This modern Moneyball approach could prove more beneficial to teams looking to build the foundation for long-term success, and it’s easy to understand why when you break it down.
You see, the way your grandfather built baseball teams is a little bit different than the way advanced metrics suggest you should do it. The idea is to work smarter, not harder. It’s actually a really simple concept to grasp.
Everyone thinks the shitty teams should be sellers, but that just doesn’t make sense if you look at the only stat that matters in sports, the W column. If your team sucks, you need to do whatever it takes to get better. Immediately.
In reality, the MLB trade deadline offers the perfect opportunity to bolster your roster for next season and beyond. Before you roll your eyes, you might want to make sure you’re not becoming your parents with your perspective.
If your goal as a baseball team is really to win the World Series, you need to start getting better now. Not getting worse. You might as well roll the dice on a star player with an expiring contract to see if you should throw the bag at him in the offseason.
You see, these current millennial GMs have forgotten that you used to be able to rent a movie at Blockbuster before buying it. It’s time to get back to the basics and make a Blockbuster trade for Shohei Ohtani.
Here Are Six Teams That Should Trade For Shohei Ohtani Immediately
There can only be one winner. This year, it was the Denver Nuggets, but now even the defending champions face massive challenges heading into NBA free agency.
For teams who didn’t make a splash in the NBA draft or via trade, the free agent market is the next best option. This year’s crop of talent includes a lot of key players, like James Harden and Kyrie Irving. But there’s a wide collection of athletes who have largely snuck under the radar and can help win an NBA championship next season.
Here is one realistic NBA free agency signing every team needs to make this summer. Is there a name we missed? Or perhaps a player who you feel is a better fit for your favorite team? Let us know in the comment section below.
The 2023 NFL Season Will Be a Failure for the ‘Boys
Summer just officially began which means training camp is already less than a month away for most NFL franchises. For the Dallas Cowboys, it’s just business as usual as they are set to report to camp on July 26th in Oxnard, California. Training camp will run through August 15th for the ‘Boys, it is open to the public and completely free to attend.
Now, who’s ready for some Cowboys football? If there’s one thing you can be certain of, Jerry Jones and the entire Dallas Cowboys fan base have Super Bowl expectations. They do every single year, even though they haven’t won shit in nearly three decades.
Yet, Cowboys fans do have bragging rights to five Super Bowl wins in their impressive and rich football history. So, why shouldn’t they be optimistic? As one of the most recognizable brands in all of sports, let alone football, they know how to do a line with the best of them.
Putting aside their almost cult-like delusions, being a Cowboys fan is more like a religion than a group of fanatics. Cowboys fans don’t go to church on Sunday morning, at least not in their hearts. They certainly don’t follow Jesus unless he wears a blue star on his helmet. However, when the ‘Boys lose, real tears are shed. Dem’s the facts.
Those are real emotions because Cowboys fans are one of the most passionate groups you will find in all of sports. They care, and they want to win, like most fans. Unfortunately for all Cowboys fans, every season has been like visiting an empty Jerry Jones glory hole since the last time they hoisted the Lombardi trophy in 1996.
They sure do things differently in Texas. They say things differently too. I’ve never been to a glory hole, but it’s pretty clear this is an activity that every single Dallas Cowboys fan on the planet participates in.
In Dallas, glory holes have not only been normalized, everybody seems to be insensitive to Jerry’s long-standing obsession with getting sucked off by a stranger. Whomever it may be.
Anyway, back to football for a minute here. In recent years, there have been glimpses of promise followed by failure after failure to get the job done in the playoffs. From Dak Prescott putting up MVP-like numbers one season to looking pedestrian in 2022, the Cowboys and their fans are no strangers to riding a roller-coaster.
There have been several mishaps along the way, such as fucking up with the Ezekiel Elliot contract extension in 2019. That ridiculous six-year, $90-million contract was so bad the Cowboys cut Elliot this off-season. He’s still standing in the unemployment line. That’s how bad Jerry’s eye for talent has become.
Jones literally handed a bum 90 million dollars to go stand in the unemployment line. That’s a far cry from the dynasty Jerry built in the early 1990s by ripping off the Minnesota Vikings in the Herschel Walker trade.
Sadly, that Ezekiel Elliot contract remains a lingering problem in the NFL. It really began with Zeke’s former contract that eventually ballooned into the Christian McCaffrey nightmare that David “Zero Fucks” Tepper screwed the entire running back market over with.
But that’s in the past now as even the Carolina Panthers have moved on from CMC. Meanwhile, Dalvin Cook, Saquon Barkley, Josh Jacobs, and many others are paying the price for these terrible moves that all started with the Dallas fucking Cowboys. DEM BOYS!!!! Way to go, morons.
However, with that being said, the current Cowboys roster has some talent on it. Is it enough talent to win a few games with? Probably. If they can stay healthy at some key positions (Micah Parsons) they might even win more than five or six games. But, do the ‘Boys have enough talent to make the playoffs?
On paper, they might. However, as everybody in the suddenly-competitive NFC East knows, football games aren’t won on paper. These battles play out from the inside out. They begin in the trenches and are finished in the end zones. That’s NFC East football in a nutshell.
In reality, where everybody in the NFC East outside of Dallas resides, the Cowboys ain’t shit! If you want to know why the Dallas Cowboys will not make the playoffs in 2023, the real question is, how much time do you have?
There are countless reasons why the ‘Boys will miss the playoffs. However, A Fly On The Ball will focus on these top 3 reasons why the Dallas Cowboys will not make the playoffs:
Things have been changing in Phoenix, Arizona lately. Just when you thought all things had grown quiet regarding the Chris Paul situation, the Phoenix Suns decided to drop a parody’s nuts in real life by trading CP3 for Bradley Beal.
There is no debate that awe-inspiring offensive basketball is one of the primary reasons why the game is so exciting. Shit, fans of the Showtime Lakers are in their goddamn nineties now, but they can probably still get it up when they watch the modern evolution of the game.
There’s only one problem, putting on an offensive show without playing a lick of defense only wins fans, not championships. If you could win championships based on ticket sales alone, every team would stop playing defense entirely. Every NBA game would look like a god-awful All-Star Game, night in and night out.
Fortunately, for the sake of all sports, it’s still beneficial to play great defense in the NBA. If you make enough of a collective team effort on defense, you can even become champions.
For example, the 2023 NBA Finals champion Denver Nuggets were one of the worst defensive teams in the Association to begin the 2022-23 campaign. By the time the playoffs came around, the Nuggets whipped themselves into a championship-caliber defensive team.
If winning a Larry O’Brien is at the top of the list as a franchise, you must put some kind of priority on playing defense. If you can get the entire team to buy in, you might even build a fucking winner.
The Phoenix Suns have proven they intend on selling tickets, not winning championships, by trading Chris Paul for Bradley Beal. Here are the details of the trade that sent Chris Paul to the Washington Wizards (Paul has since been traded to the Golden State Warriors) in exchange for Bradley Beal:
